"You're kidding nobody."
"How would you know? - You haven't seen me for months!"
The words of their argument reverberated around both their heads – echoing. Her eyes had flashed dangerously, making him nervous. Her tone had been as sharp as the implements she used in the cutting room - and his silence in response to her fury had been deafening. It had been greatly unpleasant and ruthless – born of the pent-up anger they both held.
Nikki's words had been fierce and relentless – harsh – and Jack's failure to provide her with the words of comfort she so desperately seeked, was devastating. With unconcentrated anger reigning, hurtful things were said on both sides – and though the words belonged to Nikki, Jack's silence was just as hurtful.
Earlier, whilst at a crime scene...
"Thomas made me see a counsellor. I didn't want to talk about it with anyone except you. No one else understands – but you – you went through some of it too. You heard how scared I was, but after we came back, that was it! Not even a phone call or a text! Not even a bloody letter, Jack! Thomas came to see me – Clarissa did – and even Max. We had coffee, they invited me to theirs and regularly sent me texts – but you? Nothing!"
Jack just stared at her, taken aback by the raging woman in front of him.
Nikki shook her head at him. "I get that you're angry because I tricked you into saving the others instead of me – but pretending I don't exist is bloody offensive!...And I thought you were my best friend!"
"I am!" He exclaimed – finally giving an answer.
"Where have you been then?!" She shot back at him. "Where the hell have you been?! This is just like what Harry did – he swanned off to America and forgot all about me. I never heard from him again!"
It was one of the most hurtful comparisons she could make – for Leo had told Jack how fond of Harry she had been – and how upset she was when he left and never contacted her. At the time, Nikki had pretended not to be that bothered – because Nikki was always fine. She didn't know how to be anything else, but she had cared about Harry and he had let her down, but again, Jack didn't know what to say, so he said nothing.
"Actually, this is worse!" She continued, her anger growing with his inability to respond. "Because it's not Harry – it's you..." That stabbed at his heart. He stood up as she continued. "And you're not in America – you're here!...Then again..." She added furiously. "Perhaps you've decided that having me as a friend is just to much trouble – maybe you secretly wish I had died in Mexico, but you can't bring yourself to say it?" Jack stared at her in horror. "Well, you know what?" She added, her temper boiling over, "I hate you and I don't care any more!"
Jack tried to grab her hand as she turned away, but she pulled it away from him. "Nikki-"
"No!" She turned back angrily and jabbed her finger at him. "Maybe that would have suited you better, huh, Jack? Is that what it is? You would have preferred finding my rotting corpse in the box!"
"No!"
"Thomas doing my post-mortem..."
"Stop it!"
"Finding something to read at my funeral..."
"Please-please stop!" he whispered.
Nikki stopped when she realised he was crying. She'd made him cry. Friend's don't do that either. She had turned him into a blubbering mess. Shocked by the state she got him into and the things she'd said to her best friend, Nikki turned on her heel and fled.
Rounding the wall of a building, she stopped and leaned against it – exhausted and sobbing. She had never been that angry before and it scared her. It scared her the most because she had directed it at Jack and she had nearly slapped him. And she'd made him cry. She slid down the wall, her body wracked with broken sobs. "What's happening to me?" She cried into the silence.
Jack had driven them there – so she had to go back eventually. She wouldn't look at him for the fear of seeing how much she'd hurt him and he could see that she had been crying too, but chose not to speak to her either – so they drove back to the Lyell in complete silence.
Back at the Lyell...
The atmosphere between Nikki and Jack was as obvious as the stars on a clear night. There were no words spoken between the two of them, there was no eye contact and unusually, neither held the door open for the other or made an offer of coffee when they got in. They walked in with closed, unwelcoming postures – as though they both carried the weight of the world on their shoulders.
Thomas raised a concerned but somewhat exasperated eye at Clarissa, before addressing the situation that seemed to have fallen into his lap. "I take it you two have had an argument?"
Nikki threw her discarded coat and bag on her chair. "You could say that!" she retorted, before leaving the room.
Jack plopped down in his desk chair and leaned on his desk. Thomas sighed at his despondent, bent-over frame. "How bad?"
"Have you seen 'Pearl Harbour?" Jack muttered miserably.
Clarissa moved closer to him. "So, what happened?"
He shrugged. "I more or less told her that she wasn't coping and she shouldn't be back at work. She was...angry. I thought she'd lost her temper in Mexico – but this was something else."
"I'm not surprised." Clarissa remarked.
"What?" That hadn't been the answer Jack had been expecting.
"The way you've been behaving towards her since Mexico – I think it's a bloody miracle she's coping as well as she is!" Clarissa exclaimed.
Jack jumped to his feet. "What the hell is that supposed to me?" He retorted hotly.
"Don't you shout at me, young man!" Clarissa responded sharply.
Jack sat down again. "Sorry...but-but what do you mean?"
"You two were so close before Mexico – and you spent so long racing around over there to try and find her...We promised her we wouldn't say anything to you before – but now that she's back..." Clarissa shook her head at him.
Thomas took his cue. "Every time we've seen her – or texted – or called on the phone, she's asked after you. 'Is Jack ok?' 'How is Jack?' Every time – because she's never heard from you or seen you – not once! You just 'abandoned' her when you got back – your best friend - is it any surprise she's angry? So we understand about Nikki – but you, Jack?"
"We don't get what's going on with you." Clarissa agreed. "Why did you shut her out like that? - Your best friend!"
Once again Jack couldn't answer. "The things we said...she said...and I-I didn't answer...I need some air!" he mumbled, hurriedly leaving the room.
Nikki saw Jack leave just as she came back in the room. She rubbed her face tearfully and sat back at her desk. Thomas and Clarissa waited, sensing that she was going to speak. "I was so nasty...I didn't mean any of it...he'll never forgive me...I was so angry – I nearly slapped him. - and I made him cry."
"I'm sure Jack knows that you didn't mean it, Nikki." Thomas told her soothingly. "We all say hurtful things when we're angry."
"But Jack didn't." She murmured. "I was yelling – and he just said nothing."
"And as for nearly slapping him..." Clarissa added, helpfully. "I've felt that way before – many times! Anyway, it's something that he's not exactly new to! He certainly gets plenty slaps when he's cage-fighting!"
Nikki nodded. "Do you mind if I go and sit in the canteen for a bit?"
"No – take as long as you need." Thomas answered. "And when you come back, you can come and assist me with the post-mortem, ok?"
"Ok." Nikki turned back at the door. "I don't want to lose my best friend – I love him to bits...If only I could take back the horrible things I said..."
About ten or fifteen minutes later...
"So...are you going to tell us what Nikki said?" Clarissa asked when Jack came back in.
"She said a lot of things."
"Like what?"
"She hates me and doesn't care any more..." He mumbled. "She thinks that I wish she had died in Mexico, because she's too much trouble to be friends with – and that's why I haven't seen her for months...then she ran off..." He sniffed.
"Well, she obviously came back." Thomas pointed out. "Did you go after her?"
"No." Jack muttered. "I wanted to – but she was just so angry! I was driving us back here, so she just came back on her own eventually...she'd been crying – she won't even look at me now."
"She didn't mean what she said, Jack – any of it." Thomas said quietly. "She was in here just now saying so – she was in tears because of the things she said."
"She was." Clarissa agreed.
Jack sniffed again. "Where is she then?"
"She's gone to sit in the canteen for a bit to calm down – and then she's going to help me with a post-mortem." Thomas explained. "She's not angry any more, Jack."
Nikki and Jack continued to avoid eye contact and verbal communication when she came back. Although the icy atmosphere seemed to have thawed slightly, neither knew what to say to the other in order to heal from their bitter row.
Seeing how uncomfortable they both were at present sitting opposite each other, Thomas came out of his office. "Right, Nikki – I'm going to start the post-mortem – do you want to scrub-in?"
"Yeah." Nikki agreed, glancing at Jack leaning over his desk.
"She couldn't wait to get away from me!" Jack mumbled to Clarissa after they'd left.
"Oh – nonsense, Jack" The older woman responded. "She feels awkward because she knows she hurt you – and she doesn't know if she can put it right."
"No, she hates me." He growled back. "She said so!"
Clarissa sighed. "She loves you to bits – you idiot! She said that to. You know – you can only hurt the people you love."
In the cutting room...
The post-mortem was halfway through. Nikki was much calmer now that she was focusing on a post-mortem and Thomas was glad to see that it was helping her.
In the process of examining a brain, he looked up. "Nikki..." He indicated through the viewing window into the meeting room.
Jack was sat at the table with his back to them and from his posture and the way his shoulders were shaking, he was sobbing. She looked at Thomas questioningly and he nodded.
"Go on. I can manage here."
"I'm going to make Jack some coffee." Nikki commented passing Clarissa on the way to her office. "Want one?"
So she made Clarissa coffee and headed to the meeting room with Jack's.
Nikki bit her lip and put her free hand on his shoulder. "I just want to say I'm so sorry for everything I said – I didn't mean itand I wish so much that I could take it back." She pushed the steaming mug into his hands. Having handed out her olive branch, she left the room again after comfortingly squeezing his shoulder.
"Thanks." He muttered as she left.
"Well?" Thomas and Clarissa asked as Nikki collapsed into her chair – indicating the coffee she'd made Thomas on her desk. He picked it up.
"I tried." Nikki muttered, sipping her coffee. "But like I said, I don't think he's going to forgive me for the things I said..." She sniffed tearfully. "Thomas...I think it would be-best if I left..."
There was a shocked silence as Nikki's bombshell sunk in. Thomas cleared his throat. "Is that what you want?"
"No." she answered. "It's not. But it's what Jack wants."
"He said that, did he?" Clarissa commented.
"He didn't need to. You've got a great team here, Thomas..."
Thomas sighed. "Yes – I have – and you're part of it, Nikki."
"Look – I love being here – working with the three of you – and I hadn't planned on leaving, but I can't stay if he doesn't want me here." She rubbed her hot, tear-stained face. "Please don't ask me to, Thomas - I can't spend everyday sitting opposite him – knowing how much I've hurt him – and that he'll never forgive me. It's worse then being trapped in that bloody box!"
"What are you going to do instead?" Clarissa asked quietly.
Nikki stood up and took her mug over to the sink. "I don't know – like I said, I hadn't planned on leaving – but anything's got to be better than this. It won't be a problem for you Thomas – you can ring Helen and ask her to replace me...Don't worry – I'm used to it. The men in my life have always left – starting with my Dad. This time it's me who's leaving – that's all." she sniffed. "I wish I'd never gone to Mexico."
"Why don't you go and have a shower, Nikki – give you time to think." Thomas suggested.
She nodded. "Ok - but that won't change my mind."
"No" Thomas agreed. "I think there's only one person who can do that."
Nikki turned back at the door. "But he won't, will he – not if he doesn't want to. I'll have the letter on your desk in the morning – with immediate effect. It's better for Jack if I just go."And with that she left the room.
Thomas sighed. "Clarissa, I can't stop her from leaving if she's made her mind up."
"What?" They turned to see Jack standing in the doorway that Nikki had just vacated.
"She's leaving, Jack." Clarissa told him as he sat at his desk. "Nikki's leaving."
"Why-why would she do that?" he stammered.
"Because she thinks that's what you want." Clarissa remarked.
"She can't think that!"
"She does." Clarissa answered. "And she's already got her replacement 'booked'."
"She did seem pretty certain that it's what you want, Jack." Thomas sighed. "and she said that she can't spend every day sitting opposite you – knowing how much she hurt you and that you'll never forgive her."
"I forgave her ages ago." Jack muttered.
"Have you told her that?" Clarissa commented.
"So you don't want her to leave?" Thomas asked.
"No!" Jack practically yelled – leaping to his feet.
Thomas winced at the volume. "Jack – please don't shout. Maybe you need to tell her that you want her to stay – because she's not going to believe it from anyone else." Thomas went into his office to get his coat.
Jack sat down again, noticing that Nikki's coat was still on the back of her chair. "Where is she?"
"I sent her for a shower – to think this through." Thomas explained, closing his office door behind him and pulling his coat on. "I believe she intends to write the letter before she goes home and leave it on my desk for the morning. So please Jack – just talk to her."
Jack stared around their office like a lost puppy after Thomas and Clarissa had left. He couldn't let her leave. He couldn't bear the thought of sharing their office with anyone other than Nikki.
The Lyell was dark in most places when Nikki finished her shower. She suspected that everyone else had gone home. She would have to lock up – it would be the last time, but at least she had quiet in which to write her letter. The end of an era, she thought miserably. It wasn't just a job she loved that she was losing. The Lyell team were her family – not just her friends. Thomas, Clarissa and Max – by extension – and Jack. Jack – her best friend in the whole world. Leaving them was painful and a clean break would be best for Jack. She would have to move away.. Far away, somewhere. No more contact.
At the pub...
"You look like you've both had a hard day." Max commented, kissing his wife's head.
Thomas sighed. "I'll let you explain! I'll get the drinks – normal?"
Clarissa and Max nodded.
Max sat down, "Well?"
"Nikki and Jack have fallen out – big time!" Clarissa explained. "The mother of all rows. No eye contact – they won't speak to each other and Nikki's threatening to leave."
"Oh dear." Max muttered. "I don't suppose it has anything to do with the fact that Jack's been ignoring her since they got back from Mexico?"
Clarissa nodded. "I believe that's the long and short of it. Jack told her she wasn't coping and she confronted him about the way he's been acting."
Thomas arrived back with the drinks and sat down. "Words were exchanged..." He added. " – mostly Nikki's words by the sound of it. Jack answered with silence, which I don't think helped Nikki's temper. Anyway, Nikki completely regrets the things she said now and doesn't think he will forgive her for them, so she's decided that he wants her to leave."
"And he doesn't?" Max asked.
Thomas shook his head. "No – he doesn't. He told us so. The problem is that he hasn't told Nikki. Her letter's going to be on my desk in the morning – effective immediately."
"You could always make Nikki work her notice – that would give us a little time." Clarissa suggested thoughtfully.
Thomas sighed. "Considering that she's supposed to be still on leave, Clarissa – I don't think I'll be able to argue that one."
"You think she'll go through with it?" Max asked. "You've still got tonight – and Jack's smart, he can talk her out of it."
"Yes, he's smart." Clarissa agreed. "But you know what he's like when he's upset. He tends to act first and think later!"
"And that's what I'm worried about!" Thomas exclaimed. "He might talk to her, but when he's upset, he just as likely to do something stupid like trying to resign before she can!"
"So, you think that one of them will." Clarissa nodded.
"Yes – or we'll end up with both of them resigning."
Back at the Lyell...
Nikki stopped at the doorway of their office. Jack was sitting on the floor of the office, his back against the wall - in the dark,with a bottle of white wine – Thomas's favourite kind of white wine. They made eye contact for the fist time since their argument.
"Can I join you?" Nikki whispered eventually. He nodded and she sat down next to him. "Where'd you get the wine?"
"My desk." He muttered. "It was meant to be Thomas's Christmas present last year, but I forgot where it was, so I bought him another."
"Well, let's have a taste then!" She commented and he handed it over. She took a swig and handed it back. "Mmm, not bad...So what's this in aid of?"
He shrugged. "Thomas said you were leaving."
She bit her lip. "I won't if you don't want me to."
"I don't – ever!" He told her ferverently.
She leaned her head on his shoulder. "I miss you."
He draped his arm over here shoulder. "I miss you to – I'm sorry I didn't come and see you – or call..."
"Shh" She whispered. "You don't have to explain. You didn't deserve any of the things I said..."
He sighed. "I don't think I could explain – I don't know why..."
"It happened to you as well, Jack." Nikki whispered softly. "Maybe we just dealt with it in different ways."
"Yeah – I guess..." He laughed suddenly.
"What?" She asked, surprised.
"I was going to hide all your pens, - or put the centre in lock-down, so you couldn't leave!" He chuckled. "But I thought I might get in trouble for that!"
Nikki giggled. "That's what I love about you! You try to deal with things in theuniquely, 'Jack Hodgson way'!"
The next morning...
"So, how many resignation letters do you think I'll find?" Thomas commented as he opened the door for Clarissa.
"Well..." She answered, stopping in the doorway of Jack and Nikki's shared office. "Either they're both staying...or they're both leaving!" She chuckled at the sight which met her eyes.
They were both still sat against the wall – on the floor of their office – except it was no longer dark in there, now that daylight had well and truly set in. Jack's arm was draped over Nikki – who was fast asleep on his shoulder and his head was on hers -snoring gently in a contented manner - the empty bottle of wine on the floor next to him.
Thomas walked over. "I'm not entirely sure whether an empty bottle of wine is a good sign!" He sighed, picking up the empty bottle. "Oh – my favourite!" He added reading the label.
"Stand back, Thomas!" Thomas looked up to see Clarissa holding her phone out at the two sleeping figures and he gave an exasperated sigh as she took a snapshot of them.
"The question is are they still drunk?" Thomas remarked, gently shaking Jack by the shoulder.
"Huh?" Jack opened a sleepy eye as Nikki also stirred. "Thomas, What?-ow!" He muttered holding his head.
"Urgh! Paraceptamol!...coffee!" Nikki groaned.
"Do I need to send you two home – or are you fit enough to work?!" Thomas inquired.
"Ow – no, we just need painkillers – that's all!" Nikki retorted.
Thomas sighed "Not if your systems are still full of alcohol, Nikki."
"They're not. We're fine, Thomas."
"Out the way, Thomas – this calls for an expert!" came Clarissa's voice.
Jack groaned, still holding his head. "Oh no – what's she going to do to us?!" Nikki sniggered as Thomas stepped out the way.
"Blow down the tube, young lady!" Clarissa instructed Nikki – holding out an object to her.
"What?!"
"Blow!" Clarissa repeated sternly. Nikki rolled her eyes at Jack and blew. "Right, good." She held out a second object to Jack."Your turn young man!...Come on, Jack – that's feeble! You can do better than that!" She turned to Thomas. "They're fine – just hungover!"
Thomas stared at her for a minute. "Right."
"I come prepared for any and all eventualities..." Clarissa retorted. "I'm going to go and put that photo on the Lyell website." She added, chuckling heartily. "Oh, and Jack?" She looked back at the three speechless faces staring at her and feigned disgust – pausing for dramatic effect.
"You were dribbling when we came in."