So You Want to Be a Death Eater

Disclaimer: I am sorry to say that I do not own the rights to Harry Potter. He belongs to J. K. Rowling. In fact, since I became a Death Eater, I do not own any rights at all.

Hey you! How would you like to be a Death Eater?

Death Eater- noun. A being that gave up its soul to serve Voldemort for the rest of their puny sadistic lives.

Being a Death Eater has lots of benefits, such as:

Living a puny, sadistic life.

The thrill of the kill.

Having a wonderful role-model.

Being allowed to use the Forbidden Curses because the government already wants to kill you.

Being off Voldemort's "To Kill" list and onto his "Immediately Kill if Disobeys Me" list.

Now to get a better understanding of the job, we'll follow Natalie Kabra as she becomes a Death Eater.

So, Natalie, why do you want to be a Death Eater?

"Well, I'm a Slytherin, so it was the first job the came up when I got my OWLs back. And I thought, Mummy will be so proud, 'My daughter is a Death Eater, the perfect job, oh, it's much better than your little baby's doctor job'."

So you are perfectly fine with killing people?

"Of course! Here, hand me a gun."

You shot your foot!

"No I didn't, it doesn't hurt at all."

Your foot is bleeding!

"No, that's just the lovely elderly couple from 2C."

What about the lovely elderly couple for 2B?

"Oh, they were killed by some llama with a hat."

And 2A?

"That was my parents, undercover so they could kill the lovely elderly couple from 2C."

Oh, that clears up so much! So now, would you like to get your free Death Eater robes! Here is your first set, every one after this is $20.99.

"What! This isn't Prada. Or Gucci. Or Kobra. Or Koboi. Or Evil Freak. Or Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated!"

Sorry. You can get your own set of designer robes from Volder Nos Fashion for only $999,999,999,999,999.99. But because you're a new recruit, I'll give you a discount. Now it's only 999,999,999,999,999.98!

"Oh, you didn't have to give me the discount. It's only 100 times the national debt!"

Great! Now, let's work on your evil laugh. It needs to sound insane and threatening.

"Oh, I'm amazing at evil laughs. Watch- MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! YOU PUNY MORTALS WILL NEVER DEFEAT ME!"

Impressive. Where did you learn that?

"I learned it from my mother, who learned it from her mother, who learned it from her mother, who learned it from her sister, who learned it from her brother, who learned it from his mother, etc., until you get to Mrs. Vesper-Slytherin, who was the first Vesper and the first Slytherin.

Great! I see you come from a very good background. Now, the final task in becoming a Death Eater is putting on the Dark Mark.

"Wait. Are you suggesting you put a blemish on my otherwise perfect skin!"

It's a simple tattoo. It will only hurt a lot!

"No way will I put a tattoo on my arm. This is an insult to the Kabra family! I quit!"

Did I forget to tell you there is a certain code you need to know to quit?

"What is it?"

AVADA KEDAVRA!

So if you want to be a Death Eater, just go to the Ministry of Magic and ask for the Person Who Others Fail to Realize Is a Death Eater Who Is Helping, But Not a Huge Influence, On Corrupting The Ministry.

Join at your own risk. Voldemort is completely responsible for all deaths. After joining the Death Eaters, there is no backing out. There is no reward for joining the Death Eaters. Immortality, plotting against Voldemort, and hatred of all things Voldy are not allowed. See .com for further details. NOTE: said site does not have details, but rather a non-existing hint on where the details are.