Disclaimer: I do not own Animal House.
This is a fanfiction for National Lampoon's Animal House. It's in a style I used to do more often, the "Twenty Truths" style. But I changed some plans, fiddled, and it came out to be thirty-three. Including people besides the Deltas.
It's supposed to be part angst, part humor. It's a oneshot.
I'm not sure, but I think this is the first Animal House fanfiction on this website. If it isn't, please let me know before I go off bragging about it. :)
33 Things You Didn't Know About Faber Collegians
1. D-Day has been growing that moustache since he was eleven.
2. Boon once conducted a study to see how long Otter spent combing his hair. He could not get any exact figures because Otter told him there were so many factors that affected this, humidity being one.
3. Greg Marmalard is gay.
4. While we're still on the subject of him, Greg gets extremely upset when people call him Greg Marmalade or write it this way. He got so upset when this was on his latest report card that he kicked a huge dent into the side of his car. The Deltas decided to do him a favor and fill up the dent. With orange marmalade, of course. The trunk, too.
5. Stork's IQ is 71.
6. D-Day has a hand grenade, a trench spike, a Shaolin spade, one of the largest sets of screwdrivers you've ever seen, a newspaper from 1910, pepper spray, a handbook of exotic diseases, and something growing in aforementioned moustache.
7. Hoover is the most well-endowed of any man in the house.
8. Flounder got laid before Pinto.
9. People in Delta House rarely get angry drunk (except for Bluto, who gets 'everything' drunk), but they sometimes get "weird drunk". Boon is the most notable. On one particular "weird drunk day" (for the record, alcohol wasn't the only thing he had), Boon did the following:
• Made "Delta tea", enough for the entire house.
• Crammed for a final on a subject he didn't take.
• Drew a likeness of Flounder on one of the couches, which actually turned out to be pretty good.
• Squirted toothpaste on the inside of Otter's sheets.
• Successfully stole all the canned food out of the Omega House, despite their all being in the house.
• Attempted to rip D-Day's hair off his head in an effort to prove that it was Katy in disguise, spying on him.
• Tried to convince Otter to let him try on his lipstick, not believing that Otter didn't wear lipstick.
• Lit Otter's hairspray on fire, while Otter was trying (and failing) to apply it.
All in under an hour, too. These Weird Drunk Boon shenanigans are fun for everybody in the household, except for Otter and D-Day.
10. Neidermeyer is lactose intolerant.
11. To help him get over his lactose intolerance, which is impossible, the Deltas put fifteen open cartons of milk in his room (in Omega House) when he went away for a week and a half. The other Omegas didn't notice or didn't care.
12. Mrs. Wormer's favorite drink is Peppermint Schnapps.
13. The same goes for Clorette DePasto.
14. Otter hates Katy. More on this later.
15. Looking at Bluto, one may think he came from a family with an alcoholic parent or something, but he didn't. He came from a middle-class family with two parents who are still together and a brother and they had a couple dogs over the years in their two-story house in Pennsylvania. Bluto's parents continued to pay for his college tuition after his fourth year, and after the fifth year, and after the sixth… maybe they're the type of parents that go into denial every time their child messes up, or maybe they just couldn't care less that he's failing so long as he's out of his house, or maybe they're just too stupid to notice. Whichever it is, it may explain a bit.
16. The Deltas have lost count of the pranks they've played on the Omegas. Some were total successes, others didn't end up being that funny or didn't get off the ground, and others resulted in someone from Delta House getting the shit beaten out of them.
• A semi-funny one involved putting a ladybug magnet, a Florida sun magnet, a puppy magnet, and other embarrassing trinkets of magnets all over Neidermeyer's helmet.
• One of the ones that ended in a beating involved Boon in a panda costume. The rest is history.
17. Boon: (noun) 1. something to be thankful for; blessing; benefit. 2. Something that is asked; a favor sought.
18. Pinto: (adjective) 1. marked with spots of white and other colors; mottled; spotted. (noun) 2. A pinto horse. 3. a variety of the common bean, Phaseolus vulgaris, having mottled or spotted seeds: grown chiefly in the southern U.S.
19. To put things simply, Otter didn't get enough love and physical affection as a child.
20. Otter hates Katy because he thinks she greatly resembles a chicken and doesn't serve much of a purpose to Boon other than to make him miserable… okay, she buys him food, too. That's okay. But most puzzling to Otter is how Boon just made up with Katy after she cheated on him. He doesn't understand who the dumber one is in that relationship now. Maybe if Boon handled love and sex the way Otter did, he would be happier. The same applies to the rest of the world. To Otter, the rest of the world sure seems to handle sex weirdly – yes, his girl-a-night method makes perfect sense. No obligation to call the next day. No hurt feelings because it can't possibly be about love. You don't have to bother with the girl again unless they were really good (like in Mandy's case). He's right. It's the rest of the world that's out of order.
21. Chip is dead inside. By his graduation, this became true seven times over.
22. You may wonder just why Neidermeyer hates the Deltas so much. Interestingly enough, when you get down to it, he doesn't hate them all that much. He's just a hateful man. You can't get around it. We could spend a lot of time digging into his past, but the answer would still be the same: Neidermeyer's an asshole.
23. It's been just a few days since Dean Wormer and Mrs. Wormer had sex, but they haven't had it with each other since their honeymoon.
24. There's been some dwelling on Otter and Bluto's pasts, so you may be wondering about the others. To make things fast, Greg grew up in a perfect family, Mandy's family was even more perfect, Babs had no mother, Boon wore girls' pajamas and caught hell from his father for it, Flounder's brother was a total fuck-up and Flounder ended up being sheltered because of this, Katy's mother was a hippie, Hoover was an eldest sibling and everyone expected everything of him, D-Day was raised by ocelots, and there's nearly nothing notable in all the years of childhood and adolescence of Pinto.
25. Bluto can bake cookies. Or, he used to be able to. Either way, it would be fun to see him try.
26. Boon lied; there's barely anything he's done that Katy doesn't know about.
27. The Omegas talk with their fists when conversations don't go their way, as you would expect pretty jocks to do. But not to girls. Actually, you never know. Check back in a few years.
28. The Omegas don't always enjoy talking with their fists, though. It gets tedious, the teachers may find out, your reputation could go sour, if you lose then it's humiliating, and your knuckles start to hurt after a while. They enjoy doing that to the Deltas, though. It's fun. And thoroughly satisfying (oh, not in that way, at least not to everybody besides Marmalard and maybe Neidermeyer). They always say you should try it sometime; they only live a couple houses away.
29. Okay, fine, there's another reason. It angers the Omegas deep within their blackened little jock souls that despite the facts that the Omegas are more athletic, generally better-looking, get more dates (except for Otter), come from wealthier families, get better grades, are on much better terms with the dean and other adults in general, and probably have healthier livers (and let's not forget that the Omegas win more fights), the Deltas are still much happier.
30. D-Day has, to date, appeared on America's Most Wanted, France's Most Wanted, Canada's Most Wanted EVER, Belgium's Most Wanted, South Africa's Most Wanted, Japan's Most Wanted, and North Korea's Least Wanted. Also Deal or no Deal and The Price is Right. What a fame hound.
31. Flounder has gotten twenty-nine wedgies in his lifetime. Yes, he's kept count.
32. The Faber student who came up with the slogan 'When Better Women Are Made, Faber Men Will Be There To Make Them' would later go on to write the screenplay of 'The Stepford Wives'. It's probably a fetish or something.
33. Beer itself is a tradition in Delta House. And why not? Dean Wormer is too uptight. He'd be as happy as they are if he had a drink every once in a while. Look at his wife. She's happy when she drinks. And Clorette. Clorette was beyond happy. All it takes for that blissful drunken feeling to take over, as all the Deltas know (especially Bluto), is a simple formula: they take a sip for everyone that makes them miserable.
A sip for their parents.
A sip for Dean Wormer.
A sip for Greg Marmalard.
A sip for Neidermeyer.
A sip for Katy.
And a sip for themselves.