She stared at her body. Disgusting. Ugly. Fat. These words whispered in her head every time she saw her reflection. She let out a shaky breath and got on her knees in front of the porcelain bowl. Was this wrong? She didn't care anymore.
She took two fingers and put them in her mouth, sticking them as far back as she could, applying pressure, until her entire lunch came up. She felt hot tears sliding down her face as she stood up and looked in the mirror. She was a wreck.
She turned on the faucet and scrubbed her hands until they were red raw and brushed her teeth. Her phone vibrated on the counter. She picked it up and flipped it open, reading the text on the screen.
From: Eli
You want to hang out?
Clare smiled and typed back a response, her fingers still trembling slightly.
From: Clare
Sure. Pick me up in 10?
From: Eli
I'll be there, Blue Eyes.
She took another look at her reflection and grabbed her makeup, attempting to make herself look normal. Inside, however, she was a mess. Her phone vibrated again.
From: Eli
Your Prince Charming has arrived. Come on down.
Clare giggled and rolled her eyes. She grabbed her bag and ran down the stairs, meeting Eli by his hearse.
"Hey Clare Bear." Eli said, smirking at her and opening the passenger door. She cringed slightly at the old nickname. She got in the car and watched Eli walk around to the other side and slide behind the wheel.
He was beautiful. A dark angel. But she knew he didn't feel that way about her. Why would he? She was nothing.
They pulled into the Dot and Clare felt her stomach rumble with hunger. She paid no attention. Pain was the price to pay for perfection. They got out of the car and walked into the Dot.
"Baby Edwards!" Peter smiled as he walked up to them. He opened his arms out and she gave him a hug.
"Hey, Peter. This is my friend Eli." She said. Peter's smile remained as he nodded in Eli's direction.
Eli and Clare sat down at one of the tables and Peter grabbed a pen and a notepad to take their orders. After Eli had ordered, Peter turned toward Clare. Her hands shook as she put down the menu.
"I'm not really hungry." She mumbled. Eli shot her a curious glance. Peter only nodded and walked away.
"You sure you don't want anything to eat?" Eli asked. She nodded, avoiding his emerald eyes. Eli's food came out and Eli looked at her suspiciously.
"At least take a bite of my sandwich." Eli said, holding out half of his sandwich. Clare eyed the food warily, terrified of the amount of calories in it. But she didn't want anyone coming in the way of this world she had set up for herself.
She grabbed the sandwich and cautiously and took a bite. She handed the sandwich back to Eli and chewed slowly, almost crying as she swallowed the large bite. She didn't want this. She didn't want to shatter her control.
"Are you positive you don't want anything? You didn't really eat much for lunch…" Eli said and Clare nodded quickly. She got up from her seat.
"I have to go to the bathroom." She said quietly and walked faster than normal to the bathroom. When she got inside, she checked to make sure she was the only on in there and went into the stall at the very end.
She got on her knees and did the same thing she did earlier that day, throwing up the bite of the sandwich and some bile. She was empty. She was clean. She flushed the toilet and washed her hands, pulling a wisp out of her purse and brushing her teeth.
She walked back out to Eli and sat down at the table. She couldn't take this. It had only been a few weeks and she was already breaking. No. She wouldn't give up. Not yet. She had to be strong.
"You okay?" Eli asked, concern etched on his face. Clare forced a smile and nodded.
"Everything's fine, Eli. Really." She said quietly, trying to hold herself together. She couldn't get caught. She wouldn't. She wouldn't shatter this control.
I told another lie today I need you to know I don't know the first time I felt unbeautiful I need you to know You should know you're not on your own I need you to know
And I got through this day
No one saw through my games
I know the right words to say
Like "I don't feel well," "I ate before I came"
Then someone tells me how good I look
And for a moment, for a moment I am happy
But when I'm alone, no one hears me cry
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be OK
Together we can make it through another day
The day I chose not to eat
What I do know is how I've changed my life forever
I know I should know better
There are days when I'm OK
And for a moment, for a moment I find hope
But there are days when I'm not OK
And I need your help
So I'm letting go
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be OK
Together we can make it through another day
These secrets are walls that keep us alone
I don't know when but I know now
Together we'll make it through somehow
(together we'll make it through somehow)
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be OK
Together we can make it through another day