I got this idea for a kind of blog thing from a Style fic I read. I don't even watch South Park. But I read this awesome Kyman and got hooked. And then I read Style and got hooked. And now I read fanfiction for a show I don't even watch. I make ALL the sense!

What is with me and my Authors Notes dragging on and on forever? No one reads them anyway. Suppose I should get to the story, huh?

Disclaimer: If I owned Phineas and Ferb, it would become one big gay-fest. So, no, I don't own it. Unfortunately.

Xoxoxo

January 3rd

This is my first blog post. I suppose I'll look back on this and reminisce on all the good times, and even on all the bad times. Either that or scoff at how stupid I was.

This whole thing started because of a suggestion made by an old friend. Really, on my list on friends, Django is no where near the top. That's not to say he's a bad friend, it's just I have so many of them and I'm closer to a whole bunch of them than I am to him. But we sit at the same lunch table and we share a few classes, so it's not unusual for me to be talking to him, and it's not unusual for him to suggest things.

Anyway, I had been complaining that lately I've had to bottle things up inside because the two people I confide in the most- my step-brother Ferb and my girlfriend Isabella- suddenly became the source of my recent problems. And its really the sort of thing that makes me quail at the thought of sitting down with them and talking it through. I can totally imagine how well that would go. So I couldn't talk about my problems because I didn't trust anyone with them.

So Django told me to start a blog.

It seems stupid, really. Why should I tell complete strangers my darkest secrets when I can't even tell my friends? But there's something comforting about knowing that the people reading this don't even know me, so even if they judge me and hate me, it's no skin off my back because I've never met them before in my life, right?

I'm really good with computers. I don't mean to sound up myself, but I'm really good with a lot of things. Anyway, I managed to meddle with the settings on this blog and change it so that no one in the Tri-State Area can access it, apart from my own computer of course. I then went ahead and did the same with areas that contain people who know me. I feel safe enough now that I can write about anything and everything and not have to worry that someone like Isabella- God forbid- will read this.

With the boring back story over and done with, I can finally get to the real reason I'm here. My problems. Brace yourselves, random strangers, because this is a doozy.

I may or may not have feelings- romantic feelings- for my step-brother.

Now do you understand why I couldn't tell them? Because Ferb will hate me forever and Isabella will throw a fucking fit. I'm not kidding, she will go crazy. I don't know why, but since we've hit high school her temper has gotten worse and worse. I'm mostly okay because she likes me and wants to impress me, but other's have been known to wet themselves in fear when she throws a tantrum at them. Maybe that's a bit of an over exaggeration, but still, she's fucking scary.

Anyway, I know how it will go down. If everyone finds out, I'll be labeled as a freak and be shunned. My parents will be disgusted, although I'm hoping they wouldn't be cruel enough to throw me out. I don't think they are, but you never know until you're in the situation. My step-brother, Ferb, would try and stick by me. I mean, we've been through thick and thin together and we're closer than most blood-brothers. But in the end it would be too much for him. It would disgust him too much. And slowly he'd stop spending as much time with me until eventually he'd stop talking to me all together.

And Isabella would freak out, get all paranoid on me, and probably have a fit at Ferb. Because it's totally his fault I think I may like him.

It's not his fault he's grown into a six foot British fucking god. Seriously, it still puzzles me how he managed to turn from the awkward, strange-haired little boy with a too-big nose into the hottie that he is now. He's about a head taller than me- which irks me to no end and he constantly reminds me about- and a hell of a lot broader, too. But that's not saying much, because I'm this short, skinny redhead with a gigantic fucking nose- that makes me a hypocrite for talking about his nose, I guess- and no muscle whatsoever. Honestly, I don't even know what Isabella sees in me.

I know what you're thinking, random strangers. All three of you. Because how many people want to read some kid's blog, right? Anyway, I know what you're thinking. That I'm a disgusting little freak who's into incest and is going to burn in hell or whatever. Exactly the reason I disabled commenting. I don't believe in God anyway, so I'm not worried about hell. And we're not blood related, so technically it isn't incest. I'm still a bit of a freak, though. But I'm okay with that.

I feel better already. Who knew writing (ranting) about my problems could be so therapeutic? I bet Buford would tease the hell out of me if he knew. About the blog, not the semi-incest maybe-crush I have. Buford is one of my closer friends, although I don't know why. He's the school's bully and is pretty much an asshole all the time. But we're all safe because he saves his bullying for his 'nerd' Baljeet, who is another of my closer friends.

Their relationship is... weird, to say the least. I think there might be something going on there, but I really have no idea. What Buford classes as 'bullying' is really just semi-nasty teasing and a bit of play fighting. And Baljeet's so used to it that it just rolls off his back. But the real weird thing is that Baljeet is intensely clingy of his 'bully'. Seriously, Buford's a bit of a jerk to everyone, but if he shows any special interest in bullying anyone else, Baljeet has a fit and starts asking him questions like "Am I not good enough for you?"

Seriously, just like a fucking married couple. And when Buford got a girlfriend, Baljeet freaked out. He was terrified that she'd take him away and take up all his time. So he demanded that Buford break up with her. And Buford actually did it. He broke up with his girlfriend for Baljeet. How weird is that?

Reading over this, I realize I got way off topic. Really quickly, too. So I'm going to go back to the main reason I'm writing, and that's my brother and my girlfriend.

Isabella. She's sweet (when she wants to be), she's funny, she's tough, she's determined, she's beautiful, she's popular. She can always come up with a plan in under ten seconds. No, really. I fell out of a haunted building that was suspended in the air (long story) and she managed to create a safety net in the few seconds it took me to fall back down to earth. That girl saved my life. It's not that I don't like her- I do. She's amazing and I enjoy being with her and I was extremely happy when we finally started dating.

It's just I might have feelings for Ferb, too. I don't know, its hard to tell. I mean, before Isa and I started dating and after I realized I liked her, I would always think about her. Whenever I got a text from her I'd smile like crazy and answer within the minute, and then wait anxiously for the reply. My heart beat was fucking crazy whenever she got too close and I was always a nervous tongue-tied wreck whenever she asked me questions. Even stupid ones like "what'd you have for dinner last night?" would leave me stammering for a response. I've gotten used to her by now but every now and again I still get nervous around her. She finds it cute, thank god.

With Ferb it's different. I never get tongue-tied around him, I always know what to say. I always know what he wants to say, too. He doesn't talk much- at least, not around other people. When it's just us he opens up and tells me anything and everything. Nothing is secret between us (except my maybe-feelings for him and this blog, of course). Sometimes I do get nervous around him and sometimes my heart goes a little bit too fast, but not all the time. It's weird. Some days I won't even give him a second thought and some days I'll be daydreaming about us kissing. I don't know what's up with my freaking mind lately. Maybe I'm going insane.

We don't text much because we see each other all the time and we kind of live together so there's not much point, but when we do, sometimes I do get that special little jolt when I check my phone and see his name. Sometimes I don't. It's like my body's like "you have a crush on your brother!" and then the next minute it turns around and says "nope, sorry, false alarm". It's so frustrating because I just want to fucking know if I do or not. I should be able to tell if I have feelings for someone, right? Something must be seriously wrong with me.

I don't know what I'd do if I did know for sure, though. I mean, obviously if I don't have feelings for him I can just go back to normal and continue dating Isabella happily and never think of this again. But if I do have feelings for him? What would I even do, then? I still like Isa a lot. I don't know if I'd want to dump her for him. And then there's the whole HE'S MY BROTHER thing. Which means the chances of him liking me back are completely nil. Well, maybe like one percent or something. And it also means even if he did like me back, what could we do? It's not like we could date or anything. We're brothers. I'm pretty sure absolutely no one would be supportive of it. Except Perry. Because he's my pet platypus and they don't do much. They certainly don't judge you for having unnatural feelings.

I should probably wind this up now because it's getting pretty late and Ferb just came into our bedroom and is getting ready for bed. Yeah, we share a room. That makes this even more fucked up because I could watch him change if I wanted to. Not that I do, because that's a complete violation of his privacy and I'm not sure I even want to see that. Still, I stare at his chest a lot. I try to tell myself it's because I'm jealous that I'm so scrawny and his chest is just so damn perfect, but... Well. You know. Most people don't get boners over their brother's chest because they're jealous.

Too much information? Well too bad. I'm not going to censor a damn thing. Not that I have anything overly juicy to write about because I'm still a virgin and Isabella is a firm believer in the whole 'waiting till marriage' thing. Go figure, right?

It's a good thing Ferb doesn't bother to check what I'm doing when he asks. I said I was editing my english homework. Which lead to me frantically minimizing this and pulling up my english homework, just in case he did come over to check. But he only chuckled, said, "like you need to" and switched off the light. I can hear him tossing and turning in his bed and I know its because the light from my laptop is pissing him off, but he won't say anything. I wonder if he thinks I'll get upset or something.

Anyway, I'm not about to purposely piss him off any longer. I don't know how often I'll update this blog, but it's not likely to be every day. I'm just so busy, I don't have the time. But knowing my luck, something awful will happen and I will just have to come on here and rant about it because this is actually making me feel a lot better.

Bye for now,

-Phin.

Xoxoxo

I hope I captured the way he feels correctly. We've all had that one crush where you're not entirely sure if you actually like them, right? No? Maybe I'm just crazy.

Anyway, review! Tell me what you think! Tell me anything you want me to put in! Reviews are much loved.