1- English is not my first language, so i'm sorry if it's not very good :)
2- This can be read as a platonic Demi/Selena thing or just a friendship fic. I personally like the platonic side of it better xD
She took a deep breath before opening the door. The sunlight hit her eyes and she mentally cursed herself for forgetting her sunglasses. But there were fans waiting outside, so she faked the smile she had learned to fake years ago, back when she didn't need to fake it as much as nowadays, and walked out, head up high and thank you's ready to be spoken.
Inside, she was crying. But she knew she couldn't cry, not in front of all those people. Not in front of anybody.
She sucked it up and pretended everything was fine, like she wasn't breaking inside everytime someone said you are my role model.Because if they knew, they would never say it.
She was a terrible role model.
"Do you think it's true?" Brian had asked her, his iPad in hands.
Selena was dead silent for long seconds after it, she just couldn't believe. She honestly never considered Demi would do it again.
"Sel, I'm just showing you because maybe it's true and you were friends…"
"No."
"Sel..."
"No, dad." she cut him off. "It's just not possible. Demi was nevera cutter. Believe me."
"She may not have been years ago, Sel, but this time you cannot be sure. And I know it's been a long time since you guys have talked, I'm just showing you this because maybe she needs a friend." Brian insisted.
"Yeah...it's been a long time" she whispered, more to herself than Brian.
She didn't exactly know when and how it all had started but, sometimes, she found herself locked in the bathroom, sitting on a corner with a razor blade in her hands. The cuts were never too deep, just enough so she could see and mostly feel the blood running out. A few red spots on the always so shiny white floor.
But when the door suddenly opened with a bang, surprising her when the blade was just starting to cut through her skin, the cut ended up being a little deeper than she had intended.
"Damn it." She complained, trying to fix the damage and trying to hide it at the same time.
"Sel?" Demi whispered.
Selena could see the shock in her slightly young friend's eyes. She couldn't believe she had forgotten to close the door.
"Demi, could you wait for me outside? Please? I'll be there soon." she said while pressing a bunch of toilet papers to her wrists – she could not use a towel, her mother would notice it.
Demi didn't move.
"Sel, what were you doing?" she asked, almost too low for Selena to hear.
"Nothing. I'm fine, I swear." The older girl faked a smile. "Just wait outside, Demi, please." She begged.
"No." Demi shook her head and walked to Selena, gently taking her friends wrists in her hands. "No."
She looked at the deep cut on Selena's wrist for a few seconds, before taking to herself the task to make it stop bleeding, so gently and careful Selena almost cried. It was the first time anyone had cleaned the cuts for her, and Selena couldn't help but thinking it felt almost good and not humiliating as it always had. When Demi finished, a single tear felt on Selena's hand, and she wasn't exactly sure whether it was hers or Demi's.
"Sel, were you –"Demi's voice broke. She looked to Selena with tears on her face. "Were you trying to kill yourself?"
"What?" Selena gasped. "No! No, Demi, I swear!" she desperately denied and she wasn't lying. She had never thought about killing herself.
"So, what were you doing, Sel?"
"I –I don't know, Demi. It's just something I –" She breathed out. "I swear I wasn't trying to kill myself, Demi. It's not like that."
"Well, it seems like it is. This is a pretty deep cut, Sel." Her voice was still too low.
"That's because you kinda scared me. I thought I had locked the door." Selena felt ashamed.
"It was my fault?" Demi asked, more to herself than to Selena. She looked to Selena shocked, scared and apologetic. "I'm sorry, Sel, I shouldn't hav-"
"No!" Selena stopped her, throwing her sore arms around Demi's neck, feeling guilty. It was just like Demi to take the fault for everything, even when it obviously wasn't. Selena should have known better than saying that. "It wasn't your fault, Demi. It wasn't. It's me. I was the one cut –doing it. Not you. Don't blame yourself." She said through her tears, her voice muffled by Demi's hair.
"You promise me you weren't trying to kill yourself?" Demi asked with her head buried on Selena's neck.
"I do."
"Ok. Ok." But she didn't let go of Selena, she just hugged her tighter. "Maybe we should talk to someone, Sel. Someone who can help you."
"No! You have to promise me you won't tell anyone, Demi, please. I won't do it anymore, I won't. But please don't tell anyone."
"Ok, I won't, but you can't do it anymore, ok? You just can't, Sel."
"I won't."
And later that night, when Demi was already sleeping next to her on her bed, Selena promised herself she would never do it again. Not because of her, but because of Demi. Demi knew now, and Selena couldn't put her friend to her mess, not now when Demi was going through so much with the kids of her school and her own self-consciousness. Demi needed her to be strong one now.
Too bad she was never too good on keeping the promises she made for herself.
It was just a few months after the day Demi found her sitting on her bathroom floor when Demi again caught her with a blade on her hands.
"Selena." Demi said, not broken like the first time she had seen it. Her voice was firm, strong, but still low, so she wouldn't scare her.
It sounded like a warning, Selena noticed. And she let the razor fell on the floor.
Selena looked away from her, too ashamed she had done it again, too disappointed at herself to even look in Demi's eyes. She just sat there, head on the wall, closed eyes, and waited. She flinched when she felt Demi's hand on her arms, but let the other girl take care of her wrists like she had done before.
"Why are you doing it, Sel?" She asked and by her tone Selena knew Demi wouldn't let it go.
"I don't know."
"Liar." She accused. "You told me you'd stop. I promised you I wouldn't tell anyone because you told me you would stop."
"You can't tell anyone, Dems. You can't."
"You need help, Sel."
"No, I'll be fine." Selena shook her head. "Please, Demi. They won't understand." she begged.
"So explain it to me. Tell me, Sel. I can't just let you keep doing it. I'll help you, but I need to understand it before." She grabbed Selena's chin and forced the girl to look at her. "Why are you doing it, Sel?"
"I don't really know. Sometimes, everything just feels so –so nothing. Like I'm just so numb. And I hate it. So when I do it, it's like I can feel something. I'm not a depressive person, Demi. I am happy, I really am, but sometimes I just wanna feel."
"Oh, Sel…" Demi whispered, her thumbs gently touching Selena's cheeks.
"No, let me finish." Selena interrupted her before she could say anything more. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I shouldn't be doing it, I know. I know that, and I hate that I do it. I hate what I'm doing to my parents. To you. To me. I'm sorry."
Demi just stared at her like Selena had made everything so much simpler than she had expected. Selena honestly didn't understand.
"Demi?"
Demi smiled, like real big, and Selena couldn't help her small grin at the sight of Demi's adorable gap, but before she could say anything, Demi had pulled Selena into the tightest hug ever.
Selena sighed, relieved, when she felt the younger girls arms firmly warped around her shoulders. Selena's mother called them both from downstairs, but Demi didn't move, she just pulled Selena closer. And when Selena tried to move, Demi just pulled her even closer. Honestly, it was getting a little head to breathe.
"Demi, you are kinda hurting me."
"I know." She whispered. "That's the point. Everytime you think about doing it again, you come to me, ok? And I'll hug you like that, really close till it hurts, till you can feel. And you won't have to do it again. I won't tell anyone, but you can't do it again. You have to come to me, ok?"
Selena was too amazed by her friend's solution to do anything other than nod.
They were both too young to really understand all of that.
To: Demi 04:52PM
What the hell are you doing?
From: Demi 00:33AM
I should be the one asking you that.
When Selena found out she was moving to LA, she was thrilled. She thought it could be the beginning of something amazing. But at the same time, she was extremely sad and afraid. She was moving to another state, she would be away from her family. She would be away from Demi.
And when Demi jumped and screamed and celebrated with her, letting Selena know she was extremely happy for her, Selena couldn't help but cry. She knew Demi was happy, but she also knew her friend was just as sad as she was for the time they would spend apart, but she was trying to make it all easier for Selena.
And on the day Selena was leaving, Demi made Selena promise she wouldn't forget about her – Selena just rolled her eyes. That was a promise she had made on the day they met and she knew she would never break it.
"Here I want you to have this." Demi said holding a red guitar pick on her open hand.
"Why?" Selena asked, squinting her eyes when the sunlight reflected on the pick's clear surface and hit her eyes.
"Because I won't be there." Demi put the pick on Selena's hand. "And I know it has been some time since you last, you know. " She knew. "But I won't be there, I won't be able to hug you if you need me. So I want you to have this. This way, if you ever feel the need to, you know, you can use this instead."
"Demi.."
"Please, Sel. Don't use a blade, ok?" She whispered. "If you think about it, you grab this and you pretend I'm there, ok? Call me at anytime, I don't care. Just don't do it again."
"Demi, it's your favorite." She cried.
"No, you are my favorite. You. I can replace any picks, I can have one hundred of them. It doesn't matter if one of them is gone or it's broken. But I only have one you." She closed Selena's hand around the red pick on her palm.
And a few weeks later, Selena found herself sitting at the edge of her bed, head between her knees and her right hand pressing Demi's favorite guitar pick against her left wrist. So hard that it would have already cut deeply through her skin if it was anything a little more sharp.
"What the fuck are you doing, Selena? Why are you doing this again?" Demi almost screamed.
"Demi, just let it go." Selena said tired.
"Just let it go?" she repeated, surprised Selena could even consider asking it. "How can I just let it go? This…" She indicated the towel warped around Selena's legs – because she was a Disney star now. She couldn't do it on her arms anymore. "This is not healthy. I cannot believe you are doing it again."
Selena just stared at her, silently.
"What? You don't have anything to say?" Demi threw her hands in the air, desperately.
"What do you want me to say, Demi?" Selena asked, just as mad as Demi.
"Why, damnit? Why are you doing it again? I thought you had stopped it!"
"I did! I did stop it. I don't know why I did it again!" she said, helpless.
"Bullshit! Bullshit and you know it! What is going on, Sel? You know you can trust me! You know I'll try to help you, but I can't do it if you don't talk to me." Demi took a deep breath, like she was trying to calm herself down. "What is it? Is it because you are feeling numb again? Talk to me, Sel."
"No, it's not it. I honestly don't know, Demi." Selena whispered.
"You don't know? So what, you just missed doing it decided to do it again? I don't get it, Sel, can't you see what are you doing to you? Oh, well, fuck you, right? I don't think you care too much about yourself right now." Demi said in contempt. Selena looked up at Demi, clearly hurt, but she didn't cry –she had lost the ability to cry over her own self hurt a long time ago. "Can't you see what you are doing to me? You're hurting my best friend, Sel." She said, her voice a lot calmer this time.
"It's not the same, Dems. I'm the one who is doing it, not someone else doing to me. You don't have to mad because of it."
"I can't believe you said that." Selena flinched at the bitterness on Demi's voice. "Ok, so since my best friend if the one cutting herself I don't get to be mad? Let's see how you would react to that." It was the first time either of them really said it out loud and Selena was filled with consternation to realize what Demi was doing before it was too late.
"What are you doing?" She gasped shocked. "Stop it, Demi!" she yanked the same razor blade she had been using a few minutes earlier out of Demi 's hand, but not soon enough to stop Demi from using it against her own skin. "Demi..."
Selena just couldn't believe Demi had done it. She couldn't believe her Demi, always so giggly and happy, would dare to cut through her skin just she could prove a point to Selena.
Selena kneeled in front of Demi and cleaned the cuts on her wrists like Demi had done with her before. Selena never felt more guilty in her entire life.
"You see now how it feels for me?" Demi asked. "You see why I'm begging you to stop? If you won't stop it for you, do it for me, Sel. Don't make me do it again, because I'll do it. You know I will." Selena nodded, pressing her forehead against Demi's.
To Selena, seeing the blood on Demi's wrists was like seeing her best friend's heart bleeding out.
She had always said Demi wore her heart on her sleeve.
And that's how Demi Lovato got the reputation of a cutter, even though she had never wanted to harm herself.
She just didn't know how to hide it as well as Selena.
When Demi left for tour, Selena was too excited for her friend to even think about being sad because she would be far away, again.
The night before the tour kicked off, Demi spent the night on Selena's house and, obviously, they didn't get any sleep. Instead, Selena made Demi pretend her bed was a stage and Demi had sang all the songs she would be performing on tour –most of them had become a special duet, just for that night. Except when Selena was too tired to jump up and down and rather just watch Demi, laughing when she pretended to be jumping off the stage and ended up with her butt on the floor.
The following weeks, Selena found several pictures of her and Demi hugging, always accompanied by a different guitar pick, in random places of her room. All of which, Selena noticed, were before the hiding-places to her razor blades.
Selena was completely honest when she said she was happy. When she said she felt lucky and blessed with her life. But when she said she loved every single minute of it, she lied.
She hated every moment she spent cleaning yet another cut she had made on herself.
The first time she had done it, she was so young she did it mostly out of curiosity. But a few months later, she remember how it had felt and when she felt numb for the first time in her life, even though she barely knew what numbness was at the time, she did it again.
Some time later, she started doing it again. And she didn't know at the time but she had had enough time to think about it over the years, so she knew now it was because everything was changing so fast it seemed almost out of her control. At least, she could control it. She liked to see how it was easy to control the pain and the blood by just she amount of force she put on her own hands.
She never did it for attention –in fact, she had to learn how to hide it very well, so no one would notice it. She had never tried to kill herself. But she had never really wanted to stop it for herself either, but she did it -almost- for Demi.
And Selena was thankful for that, because if she hadn't done it for Demi, she would have never done it for herself. And if it had happened, she would not have the life she had today.
Demi was the only one who ever knew. The only one who realized, without even need to see it – even though Selena was ashamed to admit Demi had seen it more times than she should have.
So when those rumors about Demi started again, when those pictures with her marked wrists were on every gossip website, Selena knew she had to talk to Demi, especially after they had spent so much time not talking.
She bought a plane ticket to the city she found out Demi's concert would be on the only 2 days off Selena would have all month, and she didn't even tell Demi. She got there in the middle of the concert and called Eddie, who quickly and surprised welcomed her and took her to Demi's bus.
She waited for 10 minutes, not knowing exactly what to do, before taking off her Converses and climbing onto the bunk she knew it was Demi's –she always chose the same one. She made herself comfortable under the covers, breathing Demi's scent from her pillow, and closed her eyes for a little bit, not really planning on sleep.
She woke up what she thought it was a few hours later, feeling the bus shaking softly and a warm body next to hers. Demi's face was illuminated by the glowing screen of her iPhone and Selena could hear the songs the girl was listening to.
She carefully took Demi's earphones out of her ears.
"You know, you will go deaf too soon this way."
Demi just smiled.
"Here, I only have a few more minutes before it goes dead, and I have a couple songs I'd like you to listen to." She said, giving one side of her earphone to Selena.
The songs were, obviously, terrible. To Selena, anyway. She could never like all those songs Demi used to listen to. A few more minutes turned out to be half an hour, which Selena spent with her head on Demi's shoulder, complaining about all the songs Demi made her listen to and ignoring Demi's objections when she took her iPhone and chose the songs herself. Selena welcomed the familiarity of the situation. Oh, how much she had missed this.
When her battery ended, Demi simply let her iPhone by the side of her pillow before turning to face Selena.
"I wasn't expecting you, but I don't think I should be surprised to see you."
"You did something pretty stupid, Demi. I can't believe you did it."
"You didn't something pretty stupid too, Sel."
"How did you even know?" Selena asked, honestly clueless.
"I could see the signs. We may not have really talked in a long time, Sel, but I still know you better than I know myself. It wasn't hard to realize you were doing it again. I told you I would always notice it." She sighed.
"But you shouldn't have done it, Demi. People think you are the one cutting yourself." Selena whispered.
It was the first time Demi had heard the older girl saying it out loud.
"Well, I am."
"You know what I mean."
"Yeah." She took Selena's face in her hand and forced the girl to look at her. "I made you a promise many years ago that we would always do everything together. I promised you I'd always be there for you. And I know we haven't been exactly the best of friends for quite some time now, but there is no way I'm letting you go through this again. Alone. And I honestly didn't know what to do to let you know it. I didn't know what to do to make you stop even if we weren't talking, so I did the only thing I knew it would make you at least think about it. I'm sorry if you didn't like it, but it wasn't exactly like I was thrilled to see you had been doing it again."
Selena sadly smile. She grabbed Demi's wrist and gently touched the cuts there. She recognized those types of cuts, the ones made by shaking and unsure hands.
"You never even knew how to hide it." She kissed Demi's wrist, barely touching the skin. "I'm sorry." She said, truly regretted.
"I know." she intertwined her fingers. "How did you hide it this time, Sel? Where?"
"You don't have.."
"Sel." Demi interrupted her. "Let me see it."
Selena sighed before sitting up, unbuttoning her jeans and taking them off. There were small marks where her legs met her torso, most of them hidden by the hem of her underwear. The cuts were so different from Demi's -small, certain, premeditated- and Demi seemed more hurt by looking at them than when Selena had touched the recent ones on her arms.
She hugged Selena by her waist before pulling her down again.
"Why, Sel?"
"You know, it's the first time you ask me that and I have an answer ready."
"I don't want a ready answer, Sel. I want an honest one."
Selena looked in Demi's eyes for the first time in a very long time and she lost herself in her memories for a few moments. But she was brought back to reality when she felt Demi's thumbs gently tracing random patterns over the marks on her legs, like she could erase them all with her soft touches.
Honestly, Selena thought she just might could.
"Sometimes, everything just feels so fake in my life, Dems. People think I'm this wholesome girl, they think I make no mistakes, and it's not true. You more than anyone know it. It's not true, I'm not perfect. I have my flaws, and the biggest one would probably shock everyone. Everytime a mother come to me and say I'm the perfect role model for her kid, I just wanna scream and show all the marks on my body. When I'm feeling completely down, I still have to put a smile on my face. People expect me to be this good girl all the time. It's too much pressure. And even though I mostly am happy and smiling, I hate when I have to pretend it. I hate when I have to suck it all up and act like I'm this perfect girl. I'm always so afraid I'll make even a small mistake and be judged by everyone.
I am happy, Demi. I am grateful, I feel blessed. I'm not lying when I say it. But I can't feel like everything is fine all the time. I am human, I have the right to feel sad. But I can't let people know it, and everytime I have to pretend it, I just get mad at myself and I feel more fake. So I do it, I cut myself. To remember I'm human. To remember I'm real."
She didn't know when she had started crying, if it was when she looked in Demi's eyes or when she started talking, Selena just knew she couldn't seem to control her tears anymore. Demi didn't say anything, she just let Selena burry her face on her neck and cry her heart out, like she hadn't done in many years.
Only when Selena finally calmed down and stopped crying uncontrollably Demi dared to say something.
"Ok, Sel. Here's the thing. This was the last time. The last time ever. I'm serious, Sel. I don't want you to even think about cutting yourself anymore. You will listen to me now, because I'll only say it once and this time it will be enough."
Selena looked at Demi and nodded, hands resting on Demi's chest. She couldn't help but thinking how differently it all was from the very first time they talked about it, when Demi was much more frightened than her.
"You are not fake. Your life is not fake. If you ever think it is, you remember that time our moms took us to the Carnival and we went on that stupid childish ride and thought it was most radical thing on the world. You remember the sand on Puerto Rico when we slept on the beach or when I sang you to sleep that time you were sick when we still lived together. When Brandon threw a Chantilly pie in your face and you ended up throwing up because you licked it all out. The flavor of fried pickles. The amazing feeling when you are on stage and you hear thousands of voices screaming you name. Remember how it feels when you are shooting a scene with a live audience and you make everybody laugh or when a child runs to you and warps her little arms around your neck, crying that she loves you. You remember that and you forget about the fakeness. Remember me. Do you think you can do it, Sel?"
"Yeah, I think I can." She said, really believing she could do it. On single tear fell on her cheek and Demi kissed it away. "You don't even like Brandon." She sighed.
"This is about you, not me." Demi didn't even bother to deny it.
Selena just smiled. She made herself more comfortable on the bunk, laying her head next to Demi's. And there, happy with the familiarity of a shared bed and pillow with Demi, and feeling the other girl's fingers still gently caressing the small cuts on her legs, Selena felt more real and alive and light than she had in a very long time.
"I liked your dark hair better." she stated.
And she fell asleep listening to Demi's soft chuckles and feeling like the scars on her skin were already -and finally- fading away.
"I don't know what to do anymore, Sel. I tried to help you in every way that I could think of, and when I think you finally stopped, for real this time, I find you like this." Demi said while she watched Selena careless wiping off the dry blood on her legs.
"I hate when this happens." Selena complained. "I hate when you walk on me like that."
"And do you think I like it? I hate it, Sel. I hate seeing you like that, but I have no alternative. If I don't actually catch you doing it, you deny it when I try to talk to you." Selena was silent, she knew it was true. "You have helped me through so much in my life. You were the one who taught me not to hate myself, but then you go and do something like this. I don't get it."
"I don't hate myself, Demi." She truly didn't.
"I know, and that's why I don't get it. I don't understand why you keep doing it, Sel. Like I said, you help me through so much, and it's not like I feel I owe you something, because that's the thing with us. We don't do things for each other and expect something in return, we just do it because it's who we are, but when I see you like this, I feel as if I've failed on you."
"No!No, Demi! You never failed on me, you have to believe me." Selena said, desperate to cross the room and hug the beautiful brunette standing in front of her, looking as broken as Selena probably looked for her, but she didn't dare to move. "Please, believe me, Demi. You have helped me. I don't know how it all would have turned out if you hadn't been there for me all the time."
Demi sobbed, drying her tears with the sleeve of the hoodie she had stolen from Selena.
"It wasn't enough, Sel."
"It was. I don't do it as much as I think I would if you hadn't been there all along. I swear I don't know why I do it now, but sometimes I just have to. And if you hadn't helped me back then, I'd probably be in a pretty bad shape now, Dems. And even you have to agree with me on this, I barely do it anymore." Till this day, Selena could never say it. "Once or twice, almost never."
"Yeah, once or twice too much."
Selena took a deep breath.
"Can we please not talk about it today anymore?"
"It's your choice, but we will talk about it in the morning." Demi shrugged.
Selena just stared at her, unfairly impatient.
"I don't even know why you are making such a big deal about it, Demi. Like I said, it's not like I do it every single day. I'm not sick."
Demi rolled her eyes.
"You know, sometimes I wonder what would everyone who thinks you are such a mature person would think if they heard you talking stupid things like that."
"You are over exaggerating."
"Over exaggerating? Do you remember what it felt like when I cut myself? When you saw the blood coming out of my veins? I've been feeling like that since I was 12." Selena remembered. She remembered how painful it was to see Demi taking her razor blade and cutting through her own skin. So much more painful than when Selena did it to herself. "What if someone finds out, Sel? You can lose everything you've worked so much for."
"Will you chill out already? It's not like anyone will notice."
Demi was dead silent for a few seconds, Selena didn't even think she was breathing.
"I will notice. Always." she murmured, all of her emotions pouring down with just 4 words.
And Selena fell on her knees in front of Demi, both literally and figuratively.
Never before the line "always there for you" had so much meaning.
When Selena got home two days later, the first thing she did was search on her bag for her razor blade, to throw it away this time.
She found a green guitar pick instead.
Hope you liked it :)