My mind is in a bad phase at the moment.
I feel that my thoughts are now embedded with such negativity that I can't seem to get my mind out of this, this hole. I don't look forward to things anymore, I feel as if I am on autopilot. Complete the task. Complete the day. Repeat.
I find myself looking around Wammy's and finding everything wrong with society within these walls. Captivity, Competition, Distrust, Insecrurity, Immarturity, Prejudice, Peer pressure. Just like any school really, where one would walk around the corridors; Pretending to be nice to everyone they meet, pretending to care about what so-and-so said to what's-her-face, deep down inside just wanting to get away to somewhere quiet and serene.
I look outside and just wish I could pass those domineering bars, lurking at me with fake promises of a better world.
It's sound sterotypical, but I feel trapped.
It's sound cliche, but I have no-one to talk to. I'm not saying I am a loner, or unpopular for that fact. It's just , I have no empathy for these people around me , I don't care about them and vice versa. There is nobody who has the same social standards as me, nobody who can heed my longings or simply stand my behaviour for that matter. I want people to be able to stand me ,though.
It's natural for humans to want people to care or 'love' them. Humans want to be acknowledeged and cared for by the people around them, who also share the same desires. We often pretend to care about others though, we buy false gifts or pretend to be upset when told of a friend you have never heard of passing away, just to show you care. It's natural. People want to be liked. It's a natural thought to think about what might happen after you die, who will actually give a toss about you and attend your funeral. Who will be those people who will grief for you for years to come?
On my list I have: Matt, possibly
Other people will attend my funeral of course, but only for presintation reasons. Rodger and maybe Watari (maybe even L) but only to make it look like the Orpahnage cares.
Why am I thinking about death so easily? I'm not planning on jumping off a building any time time soon. Suicide is just stupid, i have too much pride at stake for such a selfish, immature act. I would just be branding my name for decades to come as, 'that kid who couldn't stand life, that kid who was too weak.' I'm deteremined to die a more heoric and deserving death, when I am ready for 'death'.
If I did die though, Matt would care, i know he would. That makes me feel better for some reason. I don't see Matt that often, but he's always friendly and sencere whenever i do, even when I threaten to bash his fucking head in. He's always positive, always going on with his 'live with it, at least you have this to be happy about..' philosiphies that make me cringe deep down. I may have some things in life to be happy about, but i lack many other things that i can feel miserable about. I like Matt though. Not just because he is labeled 'third' which is lower then my intellectual status (which in all honesty, does create a stronger sense of security for myself). But, beacuse he dosen't care about my personality faults like everyone else. Matt himself, has many personality faults that i deal with too. He's blunt and anti-social. He's tactless and easily bored. He's uncharasmatic and quiet. So on. But I have learned to deal with him, like he did me. I'm impulsive and reckless. I'm agressive and domineering. I'm obsessive and over zealous. He's deals with it.
I don't trust him though. I don't tell him about my dreams and secrets like many close friends may. Nor does he trust me most likely. When i think about that, i suddenly feel depressed. I want to trust him, but i have nothing i want to tell him. I don't want to tell him of my past or even my present for that matter. Yet, whenever I see him, I feel secure, I don't have to talk. I just peer down at his rustic auburn hair and his slacking eyes that entwine with mine and I feel accomplished. I like Matt.
My mind is in a bad phase at the moment, my mind is dark. I want to escape Wammys, yet I do not want to endure the world outside. Even if i succeed in leaving Wammy's, I just know I will hate the world outside, I'm like that. I love wherever I'm not. I want to just sleep aimlessly for eternity or, encounter something close to nothingness within the boundaries of my mind. I don't want to put on an act my whole life.