Dear Tris,
It has been a while since I scattered your ashes, two years actually. I have done a lot in these three years but not as much as I did in those few months I had with you, I do not think I can ever do that much. Around last year or so Zeke tried hard to start those double dates again but they went pretty much the same way they went before I met you, if not worse. Every time I see a girl all that strikes me is how she is not you. I know you might have wanted me to move on, I do not know. All I know is that I miss you, a lot, maybe even more than Chris misses Will. I found out all our birthdays and we still cut a cake on Uriah's and ride the Ferris wheel on yours. Sometimes the others go zip lining, I only went that once to say goodbye to you. I miss you, come back. Caleb says sorry and Zeke is as cheeky as ever but I know that every time he looks in a mirror he sees Uriah, just like every time I see blonde hair I see you. Hope to see you soon but I will not rush it, just for you. Oh! Evelyn has come back and I am a politician. The world is a better place but you, the only one who deserved it are gone.
Love,
Four
I put the letter in an envelope and seal it, before throwing it in the chasm. I know I am not supposed to be here but this place has always been home to me and her, how am I supposed to leave? I come here often; it helps at times and hurts at times too. My memories are fading but I know that I can never forget her because she is a part of me that I cannot survive without. Her memories are what pull me through each day. I sigh as I walk back to my life, unable to leave the old one hurts to call myself Tobias at times. She was the only one who knew the real Tobias. People call me that but no one apart from her knew the broken venerable Abnegation boy. Everyone just knew a softer version of Fur but not Tobias, only she knew the real me. Christina was right; the person I am with her is a person worth becoming. I am so grateful that I did not take the memory serum that day. I think off all this as I walk away from the place I had called home once. I still wonder how Mathew holds up without his girl and can be so happy. I mean I am happy now and Tris's memories keep me going but there are times I feel like giving up or going on a killing spree. The last one becomes more prominent whenever I see David.
A week later
Dear Tris,
I have not visited my fear landscape in years, but I went today. It has changed but not much, the first three are intact but the fourth one is much worse it shows you saying that I killed you. Did I Tris? I do not know. Leaving you with Caleb, I should have known. I am so sorry. Why did you leave me? Did what he say was true? Were those your last words? To me? I have so many questions but no answers. I already miss you so much Beatrice Prior but I want to know if I can change your name in the records to Eaton?
Love,
Tobias
A month later
Dearest Tris,
I am so sorry for have not written in so long but I have had a lot to do. I am still sorry. Zeke was getting on my nerves about moving on and I lashed out at him. We made up later but still. Shauna can walk and run normally now. I feel so happy for her, I know you do too. I refuse to believe that you are gone, I mean maybe you are not with us but you are there somewhere watching us. I am counting on that Tris.
Love,
Tobias
P.S. I changed your last name, I think we would have eventually done it so why not now?
I smile as I throw the letter in the chasm, hoping it reached her. I so badly want to jump but I am not living for myself now, I tell me, but for her. I m living the life she should have. She should have gone to the city and I should have died in the Lab. I think of this as I walk home.
A few days later
Dear Tris,
I have some exiting news! I adopted a daughter. Her name is Marlene Beatrice Eaton. She is five years old and looks a lot like you. Initially I did it to brush Zeke off but in just a span of two days I have come to love her. She is just four but already very strong. She has blonde hair and warm brown eyes. She reminds me so much of you but in a good way. I am going to tell her you are her mother and I her father. I know she must have memories of the orphanage but I can make something up, eventually I will tell her the truth but not now.
Love,
Tobias
A year later
Dearest Tris,
I know I am spacing out but I know you will forgive me. Taking care of Marlene is so hard but it is moving on. Shauna gave birth to two twins a few weeks ago, Zeke named the boy Uriah Will and Shauna named the girl Lynn. Needless to say we all cried. Seeing me Christina has also adopted twins, she has named them Albert and Luke Fernando. The middle name made Cara weep and Chris said that we need to think of new names, causing everyone to laugh. Susan and Caleb have started going out and so have Amar and George but I have a feeling you about them before me. Cara is going out with some guy named Jake whom she met in the fringe and Nita is going out with Robert the boy you hugged of the people. I still cannot stand her. Peter is much better now, he visited few days ago. However, I still like to think of him as stupid. He and Molly are going out. Back to Marlene she is the prettiest kid ever. She likes to read but hates labs. I would blame that on Caleb. However she is totally Dauntless. She has abnegation in her too; I saw her trying to teach Luke to talk a few days back. Say hi to Uriah, Mar and the others from everyone. Tell Will, Chris still loves him.
Love,
Tobias
As the years go by my letters start becoming further and further apart but Tris becomes even more important to me. Everyone has moved on. Marlene, Uriah, Lyn, Luke and Al have become best friends and I wish them a better luck then our group of friends. When she turned sixteen I told Marlene everything that the heroic woman who had died during the war was not really her Mom but she did not seem to mind. She was upset yes but she told that Tris would always be her mom and Caleb her uncle as their stories shaped her. She also told me that before doing anything she thinks of what Tris and I would have done in her position. That was all many years ago. Now she has married Uriah but when they first started going out I nearly got a heart attack. Now as I lay on a hospital old and coughing my life flashed by I see my childhood and adulthood.
I remember Tris's laugh and her smile. I also think of how all our kids are married and how some of our grand kids have nearly reached teen age. I kept Tris informed about our lives but now I know I am going to see her. I tell my kids not to cry but it does not help. However everyone manages a weak smile and I think of how I saw Zeke and Shauna pass away in their sleep a few years back.
"Do not cry for me, I am going to happy now," I say before I close my eyes and when I open them I see her. She is wearing a black strapless dress and when I look at myself I see an eighteen year old instead of an eighty two year old. She too looks eighteen, older than I last saw. I stare into her eyes before pulling in for a kiss and for the first time in decades I feel complete.
"Tris," I say and she smiles in the kiss making me laugh.
"Hey Tobias," she says
"Hello Tris."
"It is Beatrice on special occasions," she says before I kiss her again and it is like the past decades did not happen and we are still alive and I am going to wake up with her in my arms and plan how to defeat the Erudite but that is all gone and I know none is happier than us because it is gone. I watch as Marlene gives me an Abnegation funeral, we did see eye to eye about important things and laughed as Uriah and her spread my ashes over the net in the Dauntless compound. I wish them a lot of happiness and know that Tris does too.
And we spend a long time catching up and talking not only us but the others too. We watch our kids and friends too. She seems awfully proud of Marlene it seems. And when years later she and Uriah join us I watch as Tris embraces her as if she was her own daughter and smile.
Since I was young I have always known this: Life damages us, every one. We can't escape that damage.
I also learned that we can be mended. We mend each other.
But now, I am also learning that we do not need fire kindled with rage and hatred to survive. What we need is the dandelion in the spring, the bright yellow that means re-birth instead of destruction the promise that life can go on no matter how hard our loses that it can be good again.