Blue Flame
By spheeris1
Pairing: Linna x Priss
Warnings/notes: Shifting POV's, angst, sexual situation(s)
(barely beta-ed)
*******
It was humid. I leaned against the metal bar that ran along the
quiet highway and Priss sat on her bike, the helmet hanging
precariously from one handle. I glanced at my watch. Nine
o'clock....we have been here for two hours now, saying nothing.
I feel as if we have been fighting for days, waging a silent battle
of emotions with each other, neither of us giving in to the other. I
wanted to say something though....something that could give us the
chance to be together. But it isn't up to me. It is up to Priss. I
silently laugh to myself. Not silent enough, I guess, because Priss
looks over at me.
"What is it?" She asks, her voice low and almost husky-sounding. I
smile sheepishly.
"I was just thinking of something funny." I answer softly. She turns
her gaze back to the distant ocean. Priss always looks that way to
me, forever looking off...as if there is somewhere she is suppose to
be yet she cannot get to it.....a longing I can never fill.
I want to cry. But if I did, I know Priss would feel guilty.
"I don't mean to keep hurting you." She says suddenly. I look at her,
my breath catching in my throat. Did she read my mind? Or are we just
going around the same circle in our minds?
"I know. But...it isn't your fault....I fell in love with you, you
didn't have to hold a gun to my head." I tell her and she gets off
the bike....
Then I feel dizzy as the sea air blows softly onto my face, warm air
filtering into my hair. Priss stands beside me, strands of her
chocolate-brown hair caressing her lips,....her eyes look at me
slowly and I know it is coming, her mouth on mine, my hands holding
her closer to me.
We will try to burn the questions and worries, the guilt and
longing...torching it with desire, turning pain into ashes.
At least until morning.
Then it will all be the same. I awake, Priss is gone.
But I never stop it from happening. I want it, I want to forget the
past that molded us and the uncertain future, I want to leave the
here and now to rot.
I could live in her arms
***
I enjoy being alone. The only time I seemed to connect with people
was on stage, my voice some sort of lifeline to the real world....I
was no longer that cold and removed person...and everyone else merged
into a warm pulse below me as I sang. It was perfect. Perfection
doesn't last. Once the show was over, I left.
Then I met her.
Something about her face or her eyes sucked me in...reluctantly. I
fought it every inch. I tried to push her away, but she stayed like a
shadow. Always there yet not in my way. How did she know how to get
past my walls like that? I never showed her the way in, I cut her off
at the knees before she could take the first step.
And she did it anyway. Talented to say the least.
Slowly, I let my barriers drop. A small chat in passing. Or watching
her laugh at something and *not* hiding the fact that I looked at her
so openly.
One night, sitting on opposite couches, she asked me about my past.
I couldn't find the words to tell her about myself...I felt like a
mystery in my own mind. Instead, I sipped my beer. She leaned over
the glass coffee table and grinned at me.
"It can't be that bad, Priss....we all have skeletons in our
closets..." Then Linna took the can from my hand and took a large
sip. She giggled and held it back to me.
"You're getting drunk." I stated. She laughed.
"I *know* that....come and get your drink back before I take the
rest..." She dangled it in front of my face.
As I reached out, our fingers touched, mine on top of hers. I froze
in place as an unbearable heat dissolved into my body. I forced my
senses to return and started to let go, but Linna stopped me. She
lightly caught my fingers and held them.
We just sat like that for endless seconds...her eyes looking at me
with sad want...and me? I tried to swallow. I couldn't. Then I jerked
my hand away and got up, leaving her behind.
I rode all over Tokyo that night, way into morning. But the whole
time I thought of Linna. It was so hard for me to admit my attraction
to her...it still is sometimes, even after all this time.
The next time I saw her I avoided looking into her eyes. I didn't
want to face the pain I had caused. It isn't wonderful to find out
how easily you can hurt those you care for.
Or how you choose to hurt them instead of helping them.
*****
She asked me to give her a ride into the city's downtown. It would be
silly to refuse. I focused on the speed and the wind...not her arms
about my waist. She didn't try to talk. I started to think I had
really pushed her away....that's what I wanted right? Then why did I
feel like shit? So, for the first and only time, I felt fear.
Fear of losing her forever. So many times I have felt my stomach
clinch when we faced boomers and Linna was in the crossfire yet did
not know why it troubled me....now I figured it out.
I pulled onto a side road. The engine idled. I got off my motorcycle
and paced.
"You're nervous, what's going on? Is something--" Linna started her
questions but I cut her off. I kissed her, at first awkward because
she wasn't expecting it, but then her lips parted and welcomed the
kiss. I shut down the voices inside telling me to run away.
All I could feel was how soft her lips were and her fingertips
lightly grazing my cheek. I didn't want to stop. I needed her...I
wanted her...I loved her....That thought shocked me and I backed away
from her a few steps, dazed.
"Priss...?" Linna was breathless. I'm sure she could see the anxiousness on my face, the urge to flee. She reached her hand out
and asked me to take it.
And I did.
******
Somehow we ended up back at my place. Priss parked her bike and
followed me inside. I unlocked the door and wandered to my kitchen. I
could feel her eyes watching my every move.
"Want something to eat?" I ask. She shakes her head no. I pick at a
bowl of rice cracker mix. As I bite into a reddish crisp, it dawns on
me: Priss kissed me. On the lips. I can't help it, I smile...a wide
and relieved smile.
"Must be good." She says, her voice hinting at humor. I struggle not
to blush or, at least, not to let her notice me blushing. Priss walks
closer to me and takes the bowl from my hands. I hold my breath,
waiting....waiting....I even closed my eyes. I must have looked
stupid, letting a minute slip by before I opened them.
Priss was looking at me, just inches from my body. Should I do
something? Do I wait for her?
"I should get going." She said, turning away. What? I stood there,
dumbfounded. She was *leaving*? After *she* kissed *me*? My whole
body was....*ready* for her. I snatched at her arm and spun her
around. For a moment, she looked angry then her eyes seemed to dull
and become calm again.
Okay, Linna, you've got her attention...time to take action...
"I don't want you to go, not tonight...stay with me."
Priss looks away, almost shy...well, shy if she didn't look so
threatening all the time.
I tentatively bring my left hand up to her cheek, sliding my fingers
down to her exposed neck and feel her muscle cords tighten. I pause at the
edge of her shirt collar, wanting to go further. I look to her for
direction and see that her eyes have shut. I step closer.
Her breathing has accelerated. My lips touch her cool skin, just
between the neck and shoulder...my fingers lightly grip the sleeves
of her leather coat.
Then, like a deliciously warm wave, I feel her hands upon my back,
bringing me into contact with her entire body. She places kisses all
over my face and neck as I try to remove her jacket. It falls to the
floor.
It seems so hazy now, thinking back on it...but at the time it was
vivid and raw, perfect.
Her hands on my skin, her lips on my chest...how she explored every
inch of me, her tongue devouring me...Whatever knowledge I felt I did
not have must have been buried in my body and it was released...I
lowered myself onto her, pressing against her and relished the low groan
that was ripped from her throat.
*****
We still stood at the highway. We kissed. Tears hovered in my eyes.
Priss gazed out and sighed.
"I like it here." Priss says.
"I can tell."
We smile briefly at each other. I study her legs in the leather
pants, the smooth curves and feel the familiar ache inside.
"You could...stay for a little longer?" I ask. I don't want to sound
desperate. I think I failed.
She looks at me and then cups my cheek, her thumb brushing under my
eye.
"A little longer, yea..." She says softly.
*****
The wind skims over us. The lights of the city blaze by, a blur. I
hold her tight, savoring her warmth. She'll be gone in the morning,
gone for good. I can never go with her or try to follow. One last
night.
I push her against the bedroom door and jerk her coat off. I can feel
her undoing my pants and I let them fall. I trail kisses all the
way down to her stomach, running my hands over the crotch of her
pants and up her sides. She kisses me, her tongue slipping over my
teeth.
******
The morning is hazy. And hot. I turned the fan on sometime during the
early hours, letting the cool air drift over me and try to calm
myself. It didn't work.
I watched her sleep, her whole body relaxing and softening.
Her hair mussed up.
Tender red lips slightly parted.
Steady breathing.
For the first time, I was awake before Priss. A rare opportunity to
see her without the barriers, the walls that still come between the
two of us.
I do indulge in little fantasies every now and then.
Of climbing onto her bike and holding her forever, riding into distant
lands....
Or Priss staying with me, having a home and a simple life.
Then I come back to reality. I wouldn't love Priss as much if she were
'simple' and I don't really want to travel on that type of speed.
Maybe that's it....
We are too different from each other. It drew us near yet keeps us
apart.
I would fall in love with someone I can't be with.
I stood up and stretched, letting brief images of passion fueled
kisses and desperate tugs on clothing filter in my consciousness.
It all seemed pale now, faded and disappearing.
If this is all I can carry with me, just memories of Priss.....
I left a small note on the seat of the motorcycle.
This time, I'll go first. I'm tired of watching her leave me.
******
I awoke and, much to my irritation, her hand instinctually reached
out beside her for Linna's warmth. Cold sheets met her palm.
I sat up quickly, half expecting there to be trouble. An old
reaction, hard to squash.
It was quiet. No TV or radio. No sounds in the kitchen.
Just the sunlight coming in thin shafts through blinds and my coat
laying by the bedroom door.
My shirt was in a wad by the bed....my pants were harder to find.
Once dressed, I walked around the place as if I were on
eggshells. If felt strange to be here without Linna, like I was
intruding on private property.
Which I am doing, really.
I'm never here, I never call....A flutter of guilt wound it's way
through my body.
I never said I would stay. I ended up in
the bathroom, looking over Linna's meager cosmetics and soaps. I inhaled
the scent of rosewater and remembered it upon Linna's warm
skin as I kissed her.
Don't think about that, not now......especially since I am leaving,
for good....right?
I stepped outside and stared for a few seconds at the piece of
yellow paper that struggled to stay put on the leather seat of my
bike.
'Priss,
Thank you for staying a little longer. I hope when you get to
where you're going, that you'll call or write...or email. I don't want
to upset you, but I didn't want to be there when you got up.
I guess....well,...never-mind. It's too early to write a note anyway.
Don't take this the wrong way or anything, but....
I love you. Please take care.
Linna'
I just stood there, unable to move or just not believing it was
really, truly over. She's gone...Linna is gone from my life.
For a second, before the engine purred to life and the tires tore into
the pavement, I wanted to stay.
I wanted to run to Linna and hold her forever, to tell her that no
one had ever meant more, to give her the world.
To say 'I love you'.
I love you more than anyone or anything, Linna....
I am sorry, more sorry than you'll ever know.
*****
END