Rayne Says: Read at your own risk. The following story contains mildly offensive material and mature themes. Read at your own risk! Also, slight Sasuke bashing!

Confessions Of Sasuke Uchiha

Sasuke: "Hello, dear fans and fangirls. As you know, I am Sasuke Uchiha, the last surviving member of the Uchiha clan and the sexiest male in the Naruto world."

Rayne: "I beg to differ. I don't think that you're the hottest guy."

Sasuke: "Your opinion doesn't matter."

Rayne: "Yes it does. People care about what I think."

Sasuke: "They don't. You just think they do."

Rayne: "Whatever. I was wondering what the hell you're doing?"

Sasuke: "I was getting there-"

Rayne: "Before you lied about your supposed "sexiness"

Sasuke: "Stop interrupting me. Anyway, I am here to clear up a few "misunderstandings" about myself for you curious fans."

Rayne: "More like curious about your sexuality."

Sasuke: "What was that?"

Rayne whispers: "Nothing, your supreme emo-ness."

Sasuke: "That's my first topic. I am NOT emo!"

Rayne: "Yes you are."

Sasuke: "Where's your proof?"

Rayne rolls out T.V. and slips in video

Rayne: Ahem, during your fight with Haku, you were smirking. SMIRKING! You were smirking as dozens of needles were poking out of your body! You are always smirking when you're getting hurt! That's masochistic! And-"

Sasuke: "Cutting yourself doesn't make you emo!"

Rayne: "As I was saying- you are EMOtional. Which is what emo stands for. You always appear to be cold and frigid-"

Sasuke: "Nice adjectives."

Rayne: "Shut up. And what makes you more emo is the fact that all girls love the emo boys. Examples: Gaara and Neji."

Sasuke: "But I am so hotter than them."

Rayne: "No, you are not. You have a certain factor of desire to you- I'll admit that- but Gaara and Neji have more powerful factors. Gaara appears to wear eyeliner, which is very, very hot. Neji has a ponytail, which is also hot."

Sasuke: "How does having long hair make you hot?"

Rayne: "Some examples of the "long-haired-factor" are your brother, the smexy Itachi, and Deidara. Due to Deidara's almost girl-like appearance it makes him all the more beautiful (not pretty). Your brother has a danger factor that draws girls to him like ants to sugar water. You have failed, Sasu-gay. Itachi is and always will be hotter than you."

Sasuke: "No! It's not true! I shall grow my hair out and girls will flock to me. I shall defeat my brother in the art of fangirling! And I'm not gay!"

Rayne: "Which brings me to my next point- ahem, Episode 3?"

Sasuke: "That was an accident!"

Rayne: "Sure it was. Keep telling yourself that. But you got awfully red-"

Sasuke: "I was angry!"

Rayne: "You were blushing. Now that's fan-service!"

Sasuke: "Well, at least I've kissed somebody! You've never been kissed!"

Rayne gasps

Rayne: "Shut up! And you kissed a guy! He's been your only kiss in the entire series! And you're Orochimaru's sex toy!"

Sasuke: "Am not!"

Rayne: "Are too! You went to him when all he wants is your body! What? Naruto not giving you what you want?"

Sasuke: "You're such a… bitch!"

Rayne: "Am not-"

Sasuke: "Are too! You're a bitch!"

Rayne: "Do I look like a female dog to you? Are you as blind as Itachi, who's still hot even blind?"

Sasuke: "I'm not blind!"

Rayne: "Could have fooled me with your fashion sense. Been playing S & M with Orochi-kun?"

Sasuke: "How did you- I mean, no!"

Rayne: "You're blushing again!"

Sasuke: "No! I'm just so damn pissed!"

Rayne: "You pissed your pants? Ew!"

Sasuke: "Stop twisting everything that I say!"

Rayne: "Yeah, it's great that you're gay!"

Sasuke does hand seals

Rayne: "Um, Sasuke? What are you doing?"

Lightning forms around Sasuke's hands

Rayne: "Sasuke, sweetie, can't we just talk-"

Sasuke: "CHIDORI, BEEYATCH!!"

K.O.: Raynebow-NinjaChick has been pwned

Sasuke: Finally, the bitch is dead. It should be a national holiday now!"

Clears throat

Sasuke: "Now, where was I? Ah yes, I am NOT gay or emo. I am just purely awesome, and anyone who spreads those rumors is just jealous."

Naruto: "But, Sasuke-kun, I thought I meant something to you! You were- and are- my one and only love! I love you over ramen itself!"

Sasuke: "What's the password?"

Naruto: "What password?"

Sasuke: "Our secret password. You know the one that goes, "When does a ninja fuck? A ninja fucks when the enemy is drugged and unconscious and cannot feel a thing. That is when a ninja fucks! Duh, that's our password!"

Naruto: "Sasuke-kun, you just gave me the password!"

Sasuke: "What- dammit! Rayne's stupidity must have worn off on me!"

Naruto: "I don't think you're stupid, Sasuke-kun. I think you're really smart."

Sasuke: "Really, 'cause you know I have been studying more-"

Naruto: "Maybe we could have some private tutoring sessions at my place."

Sasuke: "Maybe, when?"

Naruto: "Now!"

Sasuke: "What?"

Naruto: "Fuck me now!"

Sasuke: "N-Naruto?"

Naruto and Sasuke lean in closer and closer until-

POOF!

Rayne: "Kukuku! You are sooooo gay! You totally fell for it! And I filmed the whole thing! This is so going on YouTube and it'll get a thousand hits and all the fangirls will go "Kyah-kyah!"

Sasuke: "How could you do that to me Rayne? I… thought… you understood."

Sasuke starts crying

Rayne: "Sasuke? Dude? Do you need a trip to the emo corner of rainbows and vampires?"

Sasuke nods his head

Rayne picks Sasuke up

Rayne: "Dude, you weigh a hella lot! You're supposed to be anorexic!"

Sasuke: "Well, sorry for not being a stereotypical angsty person!"

Sasuke: "Um, Rayne? What are you doing?"

Rayne: "Take your clothes off!"

Sasuke: "W-W-What?"

Rayne: "You heard me. I have an entire black market of fangirls to supply information to. So give me your clothes- to sell for a ridiculous amount of money. And answer my question."

Sasuke: "I won't tell you anything!"

Rayne: "I have connections you know."

Sasuke: "Yeah? What good will those do?"

Rayne: "Oh, you'll see."

Rayne grins evilly and pulls out a cell phone

Rayne dials a number

Sasuke: "W-What are you doing?"

Rayne: "Nothing- HI, OROCHI-KUN! GUESS WHO'S WITH ME RIGHT THIS VERY MOMENT? YEAH! AND HE'S DYING TO SEE YOU! HE'S FEELING A LITTLE NEGLECTED (IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN), SO YOU SHOULD GIVE HIM MORE TENDER (VERY TENDER) LOVING (LOTS OF LOVE) CARE (WOULDN'T WANT SASU-GAY TO GET HURT, WOULD WE?)! HE'S A LITTLE BUSY AT THE MOMENT, BUT I'M SURE HE'LL BE VERY EXCITED TO SEE YOU! HOW SOON CAN YOU BE OVER? OKAY, SEE YOU IN FIVE!"

Sasuke: "What the hell did you just do?"

Rayne: "I just got you a little play date (more like playmate) with you favorite person in the whole world!!"

Sasuke: "Fine! I'll answer your damn question!"

Rayne: "Okay! Boxers or briefs?"

Sasuke passes out and wakes up about five minutes later

Rayne: "Wakey, wakey eggs and bakey!"

Sasuke: "I hate you! I'm going to tear you limb from limb and kill you a million times over and rape-"

Rayne: "I didn't know you were into necrophilia! I thought that was just Hidan and me! It's so nice to meet someone else who's into that kind of stuff, 'cause-"

Sasuke: "I'm not into that stuff, you freak!"

Rayne: "And yet, you S & M with Orochi-kun. I will not understand that. Ever."

Sasuke: "I'm still going to kill you!"

Rayne: "No, you're not. 'Cause I have an entire army of fangirls who like you both straight and gay and I can be sure to provide them with edited images of you with many characters. And there's the video-"

Sasuke: "Fine, I won't kill you."

Rayne: "Then what did I tie you up for?"

Sasuke finally notices that he's tied to a chair with heavy-duty rope

Sasuke: "Fuck you, bitch."

Rayne: "Ew, in your dreams. I don't want you cooties."

Sasuke: "I don't have cooties!"

Rayne: "Yes you do! It says here in your medical records that you haven't had your cootie shot."

Sasuke: "How did you get those?"

Rayne: "That's for me to know, and you to never ever find out."

Sasuke: "You bribed Tsunade didn't you?"

Rayne: "Maybe, but you have no proof!"

Sasuke: "Hn."

Rayne: "And another thing! Hn and Aa are not words! They are sound effects!"

Sasuke: "What about Deidara? He ends his sentences with yeah and un, doesn't he?"

Rayne: "Yeah, but its part of the package. Your image doesn't suit your word choice."

Sasuke: "What do you mean by that?"

Rayne: "I dunno. But I think I'll torture you until Orochi-kun gets here."

Sasuke: "What are you going to do?"

Rayne: "My worst."

Rayne pulls out a tomato and starts to eat it while Sasuke stares hungrily

Sasuke: "You're evil!"

Rayne: "Thanks, I try my best."

Doorbell rings

Rayne: That's Orochi-kun! I'll go get it!"

Opens door and smiles at Orochimaru

Rayne: He's in the bedroom. Waiting… just… for… you."

Orochi-kun: "Kukuku."

Rayne: "Have fun Sasuke! I need to go stalk some people that are hotter than you! I'll be back when I think you're done- which could be tomorrow or next week! Do everything I wouldn't do!"

Sasuke: "Rayne! Please don't leave me alone!"

Rayne: "You're not alone, you're with Orochi-kun! Bye!"

Rayne: "Today's torture sessions have been brought to you by- The Letter T (which stand for torture and tomato!) and The Number Nine (which is how many days I'm going to leave them alone!) Thank you and good-bye!