Welcome
How strange it is after all that happened, that today I am more nervous than back then, despite undergoing the ritual with a human, and today with a Minbari, an member of my own people. Or maybe more the people I belonged to once. Is this why I feel this way? Because back then, I was able to pretend that I still belong to them, and because John did not knew who I was? Because now, in direct contrast, I can't hide my alienness anymore and because Lennier knows me?
It began with the ritual of Dreaming, yet I do not know how many more years I could have persuade myself I would be only the one who united the Minbari with the humans, not everything else too, had I never taken the notion to my heart. How long would I have denied who I am, had I just waited and hoped the universe would have already lead me to the right path? And how much of me would have been still left after that time?
I feel Lenniers hand in mine, slender and warm and yet so strong. I lead him, he follows half beside, half behind me. My heart beats so strongly that I can feel every single beat against my ribcage and neck and belly. Every beat resounds in my head.
Lenniers fingers move over mine searching for support, his eyes flutter back and forth and only rest on the floor. But he smiles. I know his smile can mean many things. Most often politeness and expression of his insecureness. Sometimes enthusiasm, hold back trough shyness. Far too often brave attempt to hide the pain behind it. Yet I have seen him smile like this only a few times. There is nothing forced or insecure or shy about it, it is pure happiness.
His light brown-silvern robe, his favorite robe, swings around his slender body.
I lead him past the people who kneel or sit in the room, respectfully quiet. My glance wanders over science attaché Yeestrell, who follows me with her eyes without moving her head, her hands folded in her lap. My other two attachés kneel beside her, already meditating too. Vir sits in the last row near the wall, his hair crest an clear foreign body between all the Minbari. He does seem to feel not quite comfortable. Admittedly, he tries to let his face be blank, but now and then an half shameful, half nervous expression steals into it that reminds me at a teenager who is in the midst of sexual-education-talks with his parents. But he dispels it again and again, and sits upright and still except for nervous movements of his hands. He is here as Lenniers closest friend, an alien at a Minbari ritual, uncommon. Shortly I regret that Mayan is not here. She is, no, was my best friend till the civil war, who accompanied me since the beginning of my adult life. Not even Susan or Mila Shar keep watch here with the priests.
I let my eyes wander further. Minbari of the Religious Caste. And then John.
I did not expect to meet John here at all. Shouldn't he had appointments now? Does he this to himself to prove to himself that its final?
I don't want to look at him, but I have to. I have to see him to really realize what this means. I fear the pain or the furry that must been written into his face.
Yet he looks different than I expected. Anger and pain are present, that too, but above all there is disregard and something that shows very clearly how senseless and antiquated he considers the ritual, even when he would never admit that. He eyes Lennier forcedly nonchalant and I feel how he noticeably slumps. Unlike Vir he doesn't even tries to copy the respectful stance of the Minbari. He sits there cross-legged, leans on his hands and shifts his weight so that it is most comfortable for him. He doesn't even makes the slightest effort to understand the ritual.
Of course this would have been to much to ask in this situation, I scold myself, he has every right to it now, yet it is not the first time that I see this indifference, yes, almost degradation of my culture. It never bothered me even just slightly – how can that be? – but now every piece of empathy lapses. I pull Lennier with me, and close the bedroom door behind us.
A/N: I upload this with the second chapter right behind because alone it would be a bit crass as a start. I'm not sure if it is to cruel to let Sheridan watch, but then, Lennier had to sit watch too and somehow it makes sense to me that he needed that for letting go and truly realizing that the two of them are to different to fit harmonically together.