Hi. I'm not J.K. Rowling, no matter how much I wish I was.
A/N: I adore Sirius and Remus. This is my first fiction with these two. I hope you all like it. It takes place within Order of the Phoenix, just to give you some context.
.oOo.
Sirius Orion Black had always been a ladies' man. He just couldn't help it. Between his 15th birthday and his imprisonment in Azkaban, he had not been single for more than a month at a time. He loved the attention and the women loved his charm. It was a perfect match.
Other men seemed to hate him. Not that he cared what men thought of him. He couldn't give a flying bludger either way. Or at least that's how it seemed to his best friend, Remus John Lupin.
While Sirius himself might attribute this aversion to his ruggedly good looks and superior intellect, it was more probably because of his arrogance and ability to steal their girlfriends with only a sly wink and a cheeky smile.
Sirius was able to steal the girlfriends of anyone he particularly disliked. He would sometimes flirt with a girl, just to annoy her boyfriend. He had used this technique on many Slytherin's he despised. His greatest achievement was to steal Phoebe Greengrass from Lucius Malfoy. At the time, Sirius was only a second year, Phoebe a fourth year and Lucius a seventh year. He was lucky that Lucius hadn't killed him. Thank goodness for the invisibility cloak and the room of requirement.
Sirius had now been single for over 15 years. He had hoped, after escaping Azkaban over two years ago, that he would be able to clear his name, become a hero and get any woman he wanted. Unfortunately, life hadn't gone as planned for Sirius. He was now trapped in the one place he hated more than anywhere else. Luckily, the other Order members would come by for the weekly meetings. And he had Remus.
After one such meeting, Sirius sat in the library, drinking and thinking about all of this. Remus was to stay the night after the meeting. Dumbledore thought Sirius could use the company. So Remus stayed over every now and again, in between secret Order missions. This was Remus' home now too. However, the Order kept him busy and away most of the time.
"Hey, Padfoot. What are you still doing up? You're usually passed out by now" Remus wandered into the room, picked up his book and plopped down on the couch next to him.
"I'm just moping. I'm sick of being stuck here, Moony. I'd give everything I own, every single stupid heirloom, to leave this house. Just for a moment," He sat pouting. His words were ever so slightly slurred.
"Ah... I see. You've got cabin fever" Remus nodded wisely.
"What's cabin fever?" Sirius asked him.
"It's a muggle thing. It means you're sick of being stuck inside with nothing to do" He explained in his teacher voice. Sirius nodded.
"That sounds exactly how I'm feeling. Do you know how many times I've thought of just running away from here? Just putting on a disguise and going out for a night?"
"I don't know. A million?" Remus shrugged as he flipped through his book.
"A trillion million might be closer" Sirius slumped further down on the couch. He took a drink from his glass of whiskey.
"Why would you risk being caught? I know you're reckless and stupid, but do you really want to risk Azkaban? Or worse?" Remus snapped his book shut again. He was concerned. He knew that Sirius liked to live dangerously.
"No" Sirius sighed. Remus looked into his grey eyes, searching for conformation. He saw it and nodded to Sirius that he believed him. Sirius hesitated before confessing "But... If I could just go out in disguise, find a girl, bring her back, have some fun and wipe her memory, I'd feel so much better"
"I can't believe you just said that" Remus shook his head at his friend. Sirius was secretly disappointed that Remus wasn't willing to help him achieve this. Despite knowing the answer before he even asked the question. Sirius hit him lightly on the arm and joked, hiding his disappointment.
"Hey! Not all of us are monk-like like you, Moony. Some of us need that human touch every once in a while. And it's been a very long while since I had it last" He thought back to the last time. His eyes had glazed over and he smiled broadly at the memory.
"You're sick. Seriously sick. Maybe you have finally snapped. I suspected it might happen someday" Remus sighed and looked at Sirius sadly. He pitied the poor dog.
"I'm not sick. I'm just lonely and frustrated. Do you know how sad it is that I've even started looking at Dora? I know I always complained that my parents were second cousins, but how bad could it be?" Sirius tried to joke, but his despair was evident. Remus saw through him easily.
"Very, very bad. Unbelievably depraved. Just like you" Sirius mock glared at him.
"Well, consider my current options. The only people who know that I'm innocent and that I have access to. There's Dora, who for obvious reasons is off the table. McGonagall, who was our teacher and is old enough to be my gran..." He trailed off, feeling ill.
"Oh, please no. Thanks for the mental images. I'm never going to sleep again" Remus said sarcastically.
"You're welcome, buddy" He smiled his cheekiest smile at his best friend "Then there's Molly, who is only ten years older than us,"
"She's also married" Remus interjected.
"Exactly" Sirius nodded "And while I like her, she's been run ragged by having so many kids and looking after them. Especially the twins. Boy are they a handful. Hilarious though. Last time they were here, I saw them following Snape around and making noises behind his back. He had no idea what was going on. He was fuming. Ended up hexing a hole in the wall" Sirius giggled.
"They remind me of you and James in your prime. Only they're smarter. They make money out of their mischief" He smirked at Sirius, who frowned.
"Thanks very much, Moony. Feel free to make me feel even worse" He took another drink, finishing his glass and pouring another.
"Thank you, I will..." He paused "You sick dog" He added in a whisper, but loud enough that Sirius could hear.
"Ouch" He rolled his eyes "Anyway, she's not my usual type"
"Your usual type being..?" He raised an eyebrow.
"Supermodel. Long legs and big boobs" He gestured with his hands.
"Of course. How stupid of me" Remus rolled his eyes at him.
"Then there's Hermione and Ginny who are both beautiful young women. Hermione almost of age..." He raised his left eyebrow at Remus, who looked disgusted.
"They're girls for Merlin's sake. Don't even go there. Touch them and you will be killed. By Molly, or Harry and Ron, or all of them together. You'd never know what hit you. They're young enough to be your children... In biological age at least" He added the last bit as an afterthought.
"Meaning?" Sirius looked at him, questioning.
"Maturity-wise, they're both way too mature for you" Remus smiled at him and poked his tongue out.
"Are you saying that they're out of my league?" Sirius acted offended.
"Yes, I am"
"Yeah... You're probably right" He conceded, shrugging. He finished his glass of whiskey and poured another.
"I always am. Don't you know that by now?" He acted exasperated.
"Shut up, Moons. Do you see my dilemma? I just need something or someone" He was suddenly serious again. He almost seemed sober... Almost. So he took another sip.
"Yes... I do. I'm kinda feeling the same too" He confided sadly.
"Moony gets horny? I'd never have thought it. Saint-like Remus would never feel anything sexual" Sirius was shocked, but laughed it off. Remus didn't usually talk about this type of thing. He usually just listened to Sirius' exploits with patience and kindness.
"You saw me as a hormone addled teenager, Siri. You know I'm no saint" He shrugged and opened his book, hoping to finish the conversation. Sirius wasn't going to let it drop that easily though.
"That's true. But I'm begging you; please don't ever bring up those memories again. Some things are best left unremembered" He thought back to all their teenage adventures and shuddered at the thought of some of the more embarrassing moments. Looking back at Remus, he could tell his thoughts had taken a similar turn as he stared off into space with a strange look on his face. Remus felt his stare looked back at him.
"You're right" Remus laughed as he shook the thoughts out of his head again.
"As you can see, there are very slim pickings to be had, my friend" Sirius said, laughing awkwardly.
"True. Our prospects are looking dire" He laughed lightly too.
"'Our'? You're not the one confined here. You're welcome to go and pick up a girl at a bar. And 'prospects looking dire'? Are you living in Victorian times?" Remus blushed as Sirius joked.
"It's at times like these when I feel you don't know me at all, Paddy"
"I didn't say you would pick up a girl, Moony. I was just saying that you could. If you got over your crippling fear of rejection" He elbowed him in the ribs.
"I don't have a crippling fear of rejection. It's only slightly debilitating" He giggled nervously. He took a deep breath and looked down at his book intently before adding "Despite that, I might not wanna pick up a girl..."
"Why on Earth not? You just said you were lonely too" Sirius furrowed his brow and studied Remus, as he blushed furiously.
"Because... I'm bi, Sirius" He said quietly. Sirius barely heard him, despite the silence in the rest of the house. The only other noise was the fire, which crackled quietly. Christmas was fast approaching and the cold had set in.
"Oh. Really? Okay... Fair enough. I guess" He was reeling. Why hadn't he told him before?
"You alright?" He glanced up at him, to gauge his reaction. Sirius was frowning, head cocked to the side, thinking furiously. Remus just waited, knowing he would reply when he'd thought it through a bit. His slightly inebriated mind took a little longer than he would usually.
"Yeah... For how long?" Was the first thing he could think to ask.
"How long have I known? About ten years" It was more like 15, but Sirius didn't need to know that.
"And you didn't think to tell me?" He sounded accusing.
"You wanted to know?" Remus was shocked. Sirius didn't usually care about anyone's love life except his own.
"Of course" Sirius answered without hesitation.
"Why?" Remus looked at him directly now, no longer scared of his response to the confession.
"Because it's part of you. I thought I knew everything about you" He sounded a little hurt. His forehead was still creased and he looked at Remus, reproachful.
"Like I said, sometimes I feel you don't know me at all" He shrugged and fiddled with the book on his lap for a moment. When he looked back up, he had a slight smirk on his face and asked sarcastically "Did you expect me to tell you the second you got out of Azkaban? Or did you want me to visit and tell you?" Sirius barked out a genuine laugh. The air lightened suddenly and they both relaxed again, not even realising that they had tensed.
"Don't be stupid. Anyway, this just means you definitely shouldn't be single. You've just doubled your options"
"So now it includes Dumbledore and Snape? It's hardly better. Besides which, they aren't gay"
"Dumbledore is" Sirius giggled childishly.
"No way!" Remus almost squeaked. His mouth hung open.
"I know. I hardly believed it either, but the more you think about, the more sense it makes" Sirius shrugged, like it was an everyday thing to say. Remus snapped his mouth shut again.
"Anyway, I can't just have any man I want" He said, somewhat sadly. He gazed into the distance.
"Why not? You're a good looking guy" He nudged Remus and winked "And everyone is slightly bi. It's not just gay or straight. There are all shades of grey. We all fit on the scale"
"So you've been with a man, Padfoot?" He was intrigued now.
"Um... No. I'm on the lower end of the scale" Sirius blushed at the fact he had been found in a slight lie.
"So you're just trying to comfort me?" He laughed as Sirius looked guilty and looked down at his drink of Fire Whisky. He took another swig, finishing his current glass. He poured another.
"Yes. Sorry"
"Don't be, Pads. I appreciate it" He patted him on the shoulder lightly "I'm just glad you're not freaking out about it"
"You thought I would?" He was slightly hurt that Remus thought he'd abandon him over something like that.
"My irrational and insecure side thought you would be. But I guess if you could accept my Lycanthropy, how hard could it be to accept my bisexuality?" He giggled slightly.
"True" They both giggled for a moment. They glanced at each other and Remus felt on top of the world and as if a weight had been lifted. He had no more secrets from his best friend. He had only felt this once before, back at Hogwarts. It was the day the other Marauders had discovered his furry little problem and not deserted him. Sirius downed his 7th glass of whisky for the night in one gulp.
"Anyway, it's getting late. I'd better get off to bed. I suggest you do the same. You need to sleep off all that whiskey" He stood and waited for Sirius to follow. But he stayed seated.
"Alright..." He hesitated, a drunken pout on his lips.
"What now?" Remus crossed his arms and sighed.
"I just wanted to say thanks"
"Thanks?" Remus was completely lost.
"For listening to me moan. Not just tonight, but for the last 25 years. And for telling me. For trusting me, despite everything" Remus knew he wasn't just talking about the trust shown tonight. He could have died in the shack over two years ago. But Remus had trusted him enough to let go and to help him explain. Remus still felt guilty that he could ever have thought Sirius would betray James. James and Sirius were as close to brothers as you could get. They were closer than Sirius and Regulus had ever been.
"You're welcome. I suspect it's the alcohol talking now, but I'll take the compliment anyway. And thank you too. For not abandoning me and for forgiving me for not trusting you all the time"
"It's okay, Moony. I'm not that drunk..." His now very slurred speech defied his words "You're my best friend, with James and that traitorous rat gone" They had made an unspoken agreement never to mention his name. Unlike Voldemort, whose name was too feared to be spoken, Peter's wasn't spoken because of the hurt and lack of respect they had for him.
"And you're my best friend too... Hang on... I rated worse than the rat?" He looked shocked.
"Never" Sirius giggled.
"I should hope so. He always was a whiny, slimy git. I'd like to think I'm better than that"
"Moony, you will never know how good you are. It's like you refuse to see it" Sirius stood on shaky legs and fell against Remus, who had expected it and already had his arms out waiting. Sirius threw his arms around Remus' shoulders. It seemed as if the act of standing had prompted the alcohol to take full effect.
"I'm falling for you, Moony" Sirius giggled. He had all his weight rested on Remus, who tried his hardest to keep him upright.
"Careful, Padfoot. You'll end up tripping through a window and killing yourself one of these days" He adjusted Sirius in his arms, so he could support him better.
"You'll be there to catch me though, won't you, Moony-bum?" Sirius mumbled into his shoulder.
"As long as I'm able, Padfoot. You know that" He hugged him a little closer, but only partly out of affection. Sirius had moved a bit and Remus was worried about a collapse.
"Moony?" Sirius said suddenly. He sounded sad.
"Yes?" He was concerned now.
"Hey, Moony?" Sirius wanted his full attention.
"Yes, Paddy?"He twisted to look down at him. While Sirius was usually a few inches taller than Remus, he was currently bent at a rather sharp angle. His bottom was sticking out quite a way.
"I love you, man" Sirius slurred. Remus' heart sunk.
"I know" Remus sighed miserably. Sirius was drunker than he'd thought.
"Moony?" He said again, this time sounding sulky.
"Yes, Padfoot?" Remus was starting to strain under his weight. He wanted him to stop talking so he could put him to bed.
"Don't you love me too?" He sounded unsure. Sirius was never unsure. It unsettled Remus.
"Of course I do. I always will" He emphasised the words, hoping that he would believe him. He patted Sirius on the back.
"Are you coming on to me?" Sirius said, flirting a little.
"No, I'm not. Just because I like men, does not mean I like you like that. If anything, you're coming on to me. You started this whole 'love' thing" His was on the defensive, but Sirius was too drunk to notice or care.
"I'm coming on to you?" He sounded genuinely unsure. Remus wondered how drunk someone had to be to not know if they were flirting or not. Apparently, they had to be exactly as drunk as his best friend was now.
"No, Pads. You're not" He assured him "Now do I have to drag you to bed?"
"See, Moonshine. You ARE coming on to me" He huffed.
"Look, I doubt that you'll remember any of this in the morning. That's a shame really. I don't want to have to come out twice" He shrugged and Sirius head moved with his shoulders "But luckily it means that you remember when I tell you this. To me, you are everything good. All I look for in a partner is what I see in you. I've known I was bi since I fell for you 15 years ago. So, to answer your question... Yes. I know you don't feel the same and you never will... But Padfoot, I love you too. More than I would ever admit to you sober" He had never admitted that to anyone. He barely admitted it to himself. He waited for a reply, but nothing came. Sirius had passed out in his arms.
Remus sighed and gently lowered him back onto the couch. He levitated him up the two flights of stairs to his bedroom and laid him on the bed. Remus gently brushed some of the soft, thick black hair back from his face. He leant over to gently kiss his forehead. He stood, looking at the beautiful unconscious man.
The sense of déjà vu was overwhelming. How many times had he taken care of Sirius when he was drunk?
He found himself desperately wishing once again that Sirius would flirt like that when he was sober. But he knew it was a vain hope. He knew that Sirius wasn't shy and always went after what he wanted, regardless of the consequences. That was the Slytherin side of him. If he had ever wanted Remus, he would have just told him... Or flirted like crazy. But he never showed a single hint of interest.
Except for tonight. Tonight he had told Remus that he loved him. Of course they'd said that before, but never like that. This was different. Was Sirius just testing Remus, now he knew he was bisexual? Or was he serious?
Remus had learnt a long time ago to strictly control his feelings. He was a very controlled and calm man. Most of the time, he felt nothing but friendly affection for the man. But it was moments like this, when Sirius had once again confused him that he felt the more-than-friendly love creep back in. "Drunk Sirius" always flirted and smiled that smile at him. The smile that he used on women to get what he wanted. It could melt anyone's heart. It had gotten him out of more trouble than anyone could remember.
"He's just lonely and desperate. Nothing more" Remus told himself out loud. Sirius shifted in his sleep and Remus froze. As soon as he knew it was safe, he retreated to his room to think everything over. Again.