A/N: I do not own Kingdom Hearts, or the idea for this work. KH belongs to Squeenix and this hilarious idea goes to BlackLillian on DeviantART.
Good day, Fandom of KH. Before any of you ask: "Haven't I seen this thing somewhere before?" You must know a few things:
1) This story is in comic form on DeviantART, by the artist BlackLillian. (PS: This story is actually three comics tied into one story.) Go search for her on DeviantART if you wish to see the comic(s).
2) Sapphirus on ffnet made a similar fanfiction of the same comic. She added her own things to it, but the whole fanfic was never finished. Go look for her Profile if you want to see her version. Or search "Groceries".
3) I got permission from BlackLillian to convert the comics into 99-percent-identical pieces of fanfiction work. I haven't added anything new to it. It's just comics in literature-form for us to read. :)
On with the story!
At the Cheap-E Mart…
A sleek black van skidded to a stop in front of an enormous megamall. The van's doors slid open and four men hopped out. Two blondes, another with long, grey-streaked hair tied up in a ponytail, and a redhead with his hair spiked dramatically. They all wore the same black, hooded robes.
One more man came out of the vehicle with the same uniform. He had long silver hair, short bangs framing his face, and short spikes sticking out to the back of his head. The man stepped off the van gracefully and dramatically.
"Alright, we're here." Xemnas announced. "Xaldin, stay in the car."
"What?!" a voice sounded from inside the black van. "Why?!!!"
"…Because the last time you went shopping," The Superior growled, "furry things DIED."
--
Flashback…
"Xaldin." Xemnas stated monotonously. "The grocery list asks for lettuce, toilet paper, corn flakes for Vexen, tomato soup, Meadow Fresh Deodorant for Marluxia…" He paused briefly. "Oh, and it seems Axel wanted a bunny."
"Yeah…?" Xaldin confirmed, a tad confused.
"This is not Meadow Fresh Deodorant, Xaldin." Number I pointed at the object next to the brown paper bag filled with 'groceries'. "This is a knife."
"We needed knives!" Number III defended. He looked at the paper bag filled with sharp, pointy objects.
"Where are the lettuce, toilet paper, cornflakes, and tomato soup, Xaldin?"
"Um," The other stammered a little. "The store was out. Out of… All that. Right."
"And the bunny?"
"…" Xaldin eyed the growing puddle of blood leaking through the bottom of the knife-filled grocery bag. "You don't want to know about the bunny."
--
Xemnas rolled his eyes and sighed exasperatedly. He waved his hand to the others, signalling them to follow him inside the building. Everyone else followed, but the redhead lagged behind a little.
"Hurry up, Axel." The Superior commanded. He entered the shopping center along with the two blondes and the dark-haired man.
…
BOOOOOM!!!
The black van suddenly exploded into a cloud of flames. With Xaldin still inside the vehicle.
"Comiiing~" Axel sang. He tented his fingers, an evil smirk plastered on his face, and slinked inside the mall.
"That's for Mr. Bunny, bitch."
--
"The grocery list is as follows…" Xemnas droned, "Page one: orange juice, milk, cheese, eggs, tuna, and chocolate."
"Page two: Paper towels, glue, hair ties, bottled water, bandaids, Tylenol…" He paused, squinting his eyes a little. "Oh, I didn't see the last one. Larxene's handwriting is kind of hard to read…"
"T… A… M…"
…
"TAMPONS?!?!" He screeched. The four men behind him cringed in horror and disgust.
The dark haired man, Xigbar, snatched the first page and ran off with the three other men. "Right. Page one. All of us. Mad cool." He hastily summarized, the four men running off.
Xemnas stood in the middle of the aisle, a bit stunned. He blinked and shook his head quickly.
"I hate you all." He hissed, narrowing his eyes at the retreating Organization members.
--
The shortest blonde, Roxas, whistled quietly, picked up a random cereal box off the shelf and examined it idly. Axel snatched a can of tuna off the opposite shelf and threw it in the shopping cart. He then grabbed another can just in case.
Xigbar squinted his eyes at page one of the grocery list, trying to comprehend the Superior's handwriting. "Whoa," He huffed. "Xemmy's one to talk. His handwriting totally bites!" He nudged the taller blonde, Demyx, and pointed at the title. "'Groceries' looks like 'grocones'"
"Hurr," Demyx bit his bottom lip and snorted. "'Grocones'. That's Spanish for balls."
"What? Why would you know--"
"That's 'cajones', dumbass." Axel interrupted and cast a pointed look at Demyx.
Roxas quickly put the cereal box back on the shelf, turned around and stared at Axel. "…Axel," He started. His eye twitched, "How do you know that?!"
"We'll tell you when you're older, little dude." Xigbar threw a pink piece of paper at him and started to push Demyx down the aisle. "Now go find some of these for me, will ya?" Axel hissed a 'don't touch me' at Demyx and walked a bit farther ahead the aisle.
The short Nobody blinked and stared down at the pink piece of paper in his gloved hand. In neat, capital letters it stated 'CONDOMS' with a cute red heart on the bottom.
Roxas blanched.
--
Up further the aisle, Xigbar stood in front of Demyx. Axel was standing behind the tall blonde.
"And you! Shopping Foul: Abuse of a Foreign Language." Xigbar announced dramatically, pointing at Demyx.
"Penalty time?" Axel suggested from his spot.
"Penalty time," Xigbar echoed in agreement. The two Nobodies slowly advanced at Demyx, malicious looks on their faces.
"P…Penalty?" Demyx squeaked, shrinking back from the looming figures.
--
At the 'feminine hygiene' section, Xemnas looked wearily up at the tall, intimidating shelf of tampons.
"Kingdom Hearts, strike me dead where I stand." He said gloomily to himself.
"AAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"
Demyx, blindfolded with toilet paper and uncomfortably sitting in a shopping cart, screamed like a little girl as his high-speed vehicle came rushing through the aisle, just behind the Superior. There was a loud, ear-shattering sound and many items flew as the poor blonde crashed into a shelf. Or two.
"Ow! My grocones!"
…
Xemnas kept quiet and didn't even twitch.
--
Meanwhile…
"They come in sizes?!" Roxas exclaimed loudly, crumpling the pink piece of paper in his hand and staring at the many condoms on the shelf.
--
At the check-out line…
"One word out of you three," Xemnas hissed, his hand covering his eyes in shame. "and I let Xaldin have his stabby way with you."
"I'm not sure which sounds worse," Axel wondered loudly, a gloved finger in the air. "The interpretation of that with innuendo or without,"
Xigbar just stood there, smirking a little. Demyx was too engrossed in a Cosmo! magazine to care. He was on the section: 'How to Please Your Man'.
"Sorry sir," the check-out lady, wearing heavy makeup and a mole on her face, said nasally. "But the price isn't coming up on these." She put a hand on the box of tampons.
"Your parents should have been shot for making you… I'm sorry, what?" The Superior blinked, turning to the lady with a gloved hand on his forehead.
"I'm sorry," She repeated monotonously. "But the barcode on this box of tampons seems to be damaged. Let me do a price check."
"Oh God." Xemnas muttered under his breath. The check-out lady grabbed the handset of a bright blue telephone, punched in a button and started to speak into it.
"Can I get a price check on one box of mountain breeze, quiet package--"
"Ha," Xigbar grinned, turning to Axel and Demyx. "Xemmy's got a quiet package." Axel snorted and Demyx giggled behind his magazine.
"I heard that and I'm killing you all." Xemnas growled.
"--Extra large," Xemnas glanced at the lady.
"--Collapsible," He narrowed his eyes and his lip twitched.
"--Easy application," His eye twitched.
"--Pearl-tip--"
"Look. Here. Ten thousand munny. Keep the change." He hastily interrupted, pulling out a huge amount of cash.
"--tampons." The lady whispered into the handset, staring at the munny with wide eyes. But it was too late; the whole mall heard the announcement.
"…Tampons…."
"…Tampons..."
"…Tampons…"
"…Tampons…."
"…Tampons…." The voice echoed throughout the quiet mall.
…
"YES!" Xemnas burst out, his self-control finally cracking. "TAMPONS! I, XEMNAS, SUPERIOR OF THE ORGANIZATION, MASTER OF ALL NOBODIES, LORD OF CASTLE OBLIVION, AND FINAL BOSS OF KINGDOM HEARTS II, AM BUYING TAMPONS!!"
The Nobody leaned towards the lady, his eyes blazing with lunacy. "LITTLE THINGS LARXENE WANTS STUCK IN HER UNMENTIONABLES FOR NO REASON I AND MY Y-CHROMOSOMES CAN POSSIBLY COMPREHEND. TAMPONS."
He snatched the handset from the stunned lady and screamed into it. "Let's say it some MORE! TAMPONS, TAMPONS, TAMPONS, TAMPONS, TAMPONS!" He took a deep breath, and announced to the world:
"TAAAAAMMMMPOOOOONNNSSS!!!"
The whole mall went quiet. Everything was silent except for Xemnas' exhausted huffing. He finally caught his breath, and started to sob pathetically in public. He dropped the bright blue telephone and covered his face in his gloved hands.
"…There goes a broken man," Axel muttered, slightly breaking the awkwardness of the situation. He grabbed the groceries from the still-stunned lady and passed a bag to Demyx.
"No kidding," Demyx nodded, still in shock of Xemnas' breakdown.
Xigbar plastered a wide smile on his face and put a hand on the Superior's shoulders, leading him outside the mall. "Have a nice daaay-eee!" The sharpshooter waved flamboyantly at the lady, who just stared after the peculiar foursome.
--
Meanwhile…
"They come in flavors?!" Roxas screeched, looking about ready to tear his spiky hair out.
--
End.