Hi, short story - Own nothing from the Once Universe.
Mature rating, SwanQueen. Character study, angst and tension.
Reviews are very welcome, know this might not be to everyone's taste - but let me know.
Regina turned away. She felt the bitter disappointment rise up through her body and prick at her eyes. She refused to cry. This was stupid, there was no reason to feel like this. Only there was. She didn't think she was being unreasonable or overly demanding. She thought she deserved better than the chaste goodnight kiss and to be dismissed by her lover. She was certain that picking to read a book on the Kindle or a game on the tablet night after night instead of holding her and letting something intimate develop was slowly eroding her confidence and driving her crazy with unresolved need. She was sexually frustrated but more than that she felt rejected by Emma. Her true love. And as it happened more and more she began to wonder if they really were true loves.
They had been once, she knew that, they had broken a curse with a kiss and they had both been so happy in the beginning. There had been dates, laughter, she had been made to feel so special. And she had welcomed Emma into her house, rebuilt her routine round their partnership, made her a massive part of her life. She had loved cooking for her, looking after her, spending time with Henry as a family and when they had committed to it the sex had been mind blowing.
They had spent whole nights worshipping each other until the sun tried to push through the curtains and they had both grudgingly got up and faced a day of work, tired and counting the minutes until they could be together again. Preferably wrapped in each other's arms back in bed.
She had always struggled with sex with other people, she had struggled to let go and find a release, but with Emma it was instinctive. She made the brunette wet from the first kiss, and Regina knew they shared an emotional connection that heightened all the other sensations. Emma had made her feel so wanted, the whispered words telling her how beautiful she was and the way she touched her. It was gentle, reverent to begin with, giving them both time to explore what they liked, what worked between them and for them. No other lover had put her needs first, and it was refreshing, it was new and she quickly became addicted to the blonde's touch.
Regina felt like Emma could read her mind, knew when to allow her touch to become firm, when to change from teasing to forceful and demanding. She had waited until the older woman was comfortable and then ramped up the passion, the kisses more wanton and the touches no longer hesitant. She had allowed Regina the time to become comfortable with her and it meant when the time came she climaxed repeatedly, Emma's name falling from her lips as the blonde worked tireless and selflessly between her legs with her hand, mouth, tongue.
And she had become confident with Emma, they were able to talk about what they liked and wanted, the honesty was something she had never experienced before. And the conversations weren't just about sex and physical need, they talked openly about their hopes and dreams, their desires and fears and Regina had never felt so free. Emma listened to every word, she didn't mock any idea and she'd smile, her face shining with love, brilliant and blindingly beautiful as they snuggled as they planned for the future.
And just thinking back and remembering the good times made the tears threaten to fall. Because things had been great, she didn't understand what had happened between them to lead them here. She still cooked Emma's favourite foods and tried flirting, and they sat on the sofa and watched films, but when she leaned in for kisses the blonde would turn her head so she was offering her cheek instead of the lips Regina so desperately wanted. And if she did get a taste of her lips it was chaste, briefly caressing before she pulled away and it never seemed to be enough for the brunette who missed physical contact with the woman she had chosen to be with. At times she felt ignored and as if the blonde was just going through the motions. It was as if she was doing the bare minimum, trying to placate Regina with small gestures of affection, but Regina felt deeply the absence of real contact, real desire. Frighteningly she admitted to herself when she was alone and had too much time to think, she was beginning to feel unloved.
And that in itself was foolish, because Emma loved her, still spent time listening to her rant about the Town, the Council and everything else her job as Mayor entailed. She cooked the brunette delightful meals and they still laughed and talked together. For birthdays and Anniversaries she put thought into gifts or made something so it was extra special, but they never seemed to end up in bed, pressed closely together and sharing the same breath. Regina wanted more, she guessed she had always been greedy and had issues with self-control and this could be just another example, however rationalising it did little to calm her libido which was raging, and Emma still turned away, saying that the day had tired her out with an apologetic smile gracing her beautiful lips. It meant Regina was left trying to calm her heated body enough so she could sleep. Part of her wanted to scream and she knew she was being unreasonable because she understood what had changed in their relationship.
Nearly two years ago Emma had lost her Mother. Complications had occurred during child birth and it had torn at Regina as well, putting an unbearable strain on their relationship. Snow was too young to die, and Regina felt that injustice as much as anyone. Over the last years Snow had reached out to her, reassuring her that Emma was the one, to trust in love and believe in her heart. They had developed a new relationship where they firstly didn't hate one another, then grew tolerant and finally became friends, talking easily about old times – not the times Regina had tried to kill her obviously – but of the old world, hobbies they had enjoyed, sharing details of the past the other didn't know.
Charming had understandably been devastated. Regina thought seeing him every day was the hardest thing. He had lost his spark, he looked so much older and it was obvious he was broken without Snow by his side. He had also gone from the Man of the House, the Deputy Sheriff to a single father and Regina saw him struggle with the change daily. She wanted to reach out to him, give him advice she had learned with Henry, but while Snow had accepted her easily as Emma's lover Charming had always remained guarded around her and she didn't have the words to help him. She knew his pain, so like herself when Daniel had been killed, but she knew nothing would ease his suffering except time. And Emma and Henry loved him, they were there to support him and try and heal his broken heart, so Regina stood back and watched, feeling helpless.
And Emma, well she kept herself busy with Henry and her job, which she carried on with after only a handful of days off. She was sad, so very sad and Regina tried to be there for her but Emma had shut everybody out. Regina knew about walls and Emma had put hers up trying to deal with the pain and loss. She had stood by Emma's side at the funeral, she was strong for her lover, wishing she'd cry and breakdown and start to grieve but Emma had just silently stared as her mother was put to rest. When Regina tried to hold her she had pulled away muttering about wanting to be alone and Regina had respected that, given her time and space to come to terms with another loss, another abandonment.
And she had been patient and understanding, working through her own grief alone, still wanting nothing more than to help Emma with hers. She understood Emma's pain, sympathized that for 28 years she had been looking for a mother and when she had finally found her that she had only been given a few years with Snow before she was taken away again. It was unfair, life handing out another bitter pill to swallow and Regina just hoped Emma could recover from this. She still had her Father, she had Henry and she had Regina and slowly, but eventually Emma did come back to her. In time she laughed more and cried less and became talkative and interactive. Regina recognized how much of a shock it was to everyone and how it would change all their lives, Snow had been such a major part of their family. She wished she could do more, knew her sympathetic smile did little to detract from how tragic it had been and all she was left with was giving Emma as much love and support as she could. And in the end she knew that ultimately it was the grief that had destroyed Emma's sex drive.
But understanding why did little to help as after two years and only a handful of deeper kisses and one night after Emma had drunk far too much and they had had sloppy sex which was nothing like the tender or passionate way they used to be when they were so very involved with each other's pleasure, Regina was frustrated. She had tried to give Emma time and space. She had tried to make Emma feel wanted and give her comfort, whispering words to build her confidence and reassure her she was beautiful. She had tried to tell her she was still sexy, still gorgeous and still very desirable, hinting at how horny she still made the brunette. She had cooked romantic meals, initiated date nights, she had dressed up in revealing Christmas underwear and brought a strapless dildo for their last anniversary present which was still sitting in its plastic covering in a bedside drawer unused. Nothing sparked any interest in the blonde and about 3 months ago she finally cracked and had mail ordered a vibrator.
She had never felt the need before, but Emma had woken a sensual part of herself and now she missed the physical side of their relationship. She wanted to cum, and it was developing into a driving need which was getting worse by the day. And Emma was gently but firmly repelling her advances, so she was taking matters into her own hands, literally.
She quickly fell into a nightly pattern where she would try to initiate things with her lover and Emma would gently turn her away, as had become normal. So she would wait for the younger woman to fall asleep and would then slip away to the guest room and take care of the problem. She knew she was in trouble because playing with her toys was hardly taking the edge off her need anymore. She had known that pleasing herself either with her own hand or with the vibrator wasn't as good and she missed Emma's lips, missed kissing her and the way her tongue used to dance round her mouth. The heat as the younger woman would lick and suck at her neck, biting, both of them moaning in anticipation. All of that was missing but Regina still finished, riding the silicon as the rabbit ears rubbed her clit faster and faster until she was muffling her moan in the pillow as her body crested and the orgasm she wished Emma had given her shook through her body.
And then last night had been so hard. She had held Emma so close, her body responding to the proximity, nipples hardening and arousal beating strongly with her heartbeat. But she had bitten her tongue as she watched the blonde roll away. She tried not to lose the moment by rolling with her and trying to pepper her face with kisses, hoping that one of them might ignite something in the other woman, but it was no use, her lover was still cold and distant. She was seemingly oblivious to Regina's craving and when Regina finally gave up and let the disappointment show on her face Emma questioned, "What's wrong? You look sad."
"Nothing, Goodnight My Love." Was her only response, as she turned away and curled in on herself.
Regina knew better than to be honest, putting pressure on her lover wasn't fair, she had lost her mother and didn't feel like being intimate. It was Regina's problem and voicing her desire would only make Emma feel guilty. It wouldn't make her want the brunette, no amount of talking seemed to do that and Regina tried not to take it personally and think something was wrong with her. But it was hard, she was becoming more disillusioned with their relationship and struggling with her feelings. She tried not to feel let down but this situation was so far from the plans they used to lay in bed and discuss.
She might not be the Evil Queen anymore, but she did have a selfish streak and it reared its head late at night and whispered that she deserved better. She knew that for the lie it was and was able to feel better about herself knowing there was a time in her past when she would have just taken what she wanted and damned the consequences. She wouldn't take anything from Emma not freely given, she had changed and she was trying, but with a burning need, heated desire pooling between her thighs and a throbbing clit she turned away from the other woman with her heart aching at the lost opportunity.
Now it was morning and she was still upset, whether she had any right to be or not, she was feeling despondent and wanted to pick herself up. She had been thinking about something for weeks now and last night had made up her mind. She pulled the laptop towards her and quickly went online and bought the new vibrator she'd been watching for some time, reading the reviews and deciding she deserved a treat. It was quite expensive but as that seemed to be her only source of pleasure she decided now was not the time to be frugal. She did deserve this. Only there was doubt mixed with that thought. What she deserved was a lover who wanted her, who wanted a full relationship, but in the absence of that was masturbation really a substitute?
She was struggling because it wasn't like either of them were old, they were middle aged and she was certain this wasn't normal. She smiled ruefully, normal in Storybrooke didn't exist, but she didn't think this was right. Two people who loved each other expressed it physically, maybe not every night, but this was an excessively long period to go without any kind of loving touch.
But she was grateful for Emma, the blonde had loved her when she didn't think she deserved it, she had done hideous things in her past and she had accepted her and wanted her anyway. Yes she was trying to redeem herself, but her past would always be there and Emma had made it clear she didn't care about that and the person she was. She only cared about the person she was now, loved her for the good she could see, a protective Mother to Henry and strong woman who continued to try despite the set-backs of life.
So this felt like a betrayal of the blonde and Regina didn't understand how something so good and strong had become dead and unresponsive. She didn't feel comfortable with the situation, but at least it wasn't cheating. She couldn't do that to the blonde, she still loved her, but she needed to find a release. It helped keep her calm, helped her sleep and she always made sure she went back to bed with the other woman, so she was there when she woke or if she had a nightmare which had become a feature since Snow had left her life. Yet she still felt guilty, hiding away in another room and gasping in pleasure as the machine brought her the release she needed. It should be Emma, and Regina wanted to please her as much as she wanted her own orgasm, she missed Emma's taste, the way she would hold her down and buck her hips against her face. She just wished Emma wanted it, wanted her.
The following morning the new toy arrived and she took it up to the guess room and stashed it out of sight, already planning when she could take an early lunch break and use it on herself. She recognized that was a problem, that she was becoming overly dependent on her toys. She had stopped to think about it and she knew in part why. She had very little in life that made her feel good, she worked hard and often pushed herself too hard, becoming tired and irritable. The job was stressful and she couldn't say she took any joy from it. Her Prince, Henry was growing up spending his time more and more often out with friends, he didn't need her anymore and she missed his company. She had Emma, but the harsh truth was Emma didn't make her feel good anymore.
She knew in her heart that was an unfair comment, but when everything was stripped away, the lack of intimacy in their relationship felt like a rejection and Emma was now eroding her confidence. Gone were the times Regina felt safe and warm in her arms, secure and wanted. More and more she felt they had become friends, not lovers, their relationship was becoming more dysfunctional with every day that passed. This brief sexual thrill, chasing the release, made her feel good if only for a handful of minutes as she lay in the warmth of the orgasm, her mind hazy and heart racing. It picked her up when she was feeling the stresses of life weigh her down, and made her momentarily forget her lover didn't want her.
It was beginning to dawn on her that their relationship was in trouble, that she loved Emma and wanted her but as Emma shunned her advances she began to feel resentment and bitterness towards the blonde. And that wasn't healthy, it wasn't even right in a loving relationship. And she didn't know how to fix it. She wished she didn't feel that way, but she did.
As she clicked on the vibrator, the shaft pulsed as well as having rabbit ears to stimulate her clit and she gasped at how intense and how deep the pulsing reached inside her. She leaned back and pressed the toy against the sensitive patch inside her and groaned deeply at the sensation. She was close already and she had only just started, the toy definitely worth the extra money it had cost. She fumbled with the button, pushing it so the next setting kicked in and the part of the toy vibrating against her clit sped up, brushing faster and faster over the bundle of nerves. She pulled it back slightly so the touch was light and teasing for a minute before pressing the toy hard into herself and she didn't have to stifle the moan it caused as the house was empty. She was painfully aroused and she felt how slick she was by the movement of the toy, sliding effortlessly with her natural juices as she fucked herself with it. She was enjoying being alone in the house and gave in to the sensations rippling through her, a curse word falling from her lips as she felt the slow burn, the pull as her muscles began to tense in her abdomen. She felt her legs begin to shake and she clicked the vibrator again, stimulating her clit even faster. She was going to come, she felt it threaten, felt herself teetering on the brink and then she was arching, panting hard as she felt her body convulsed. Her legs snapped shut round the toy, hips still bucking into it as she rode out every pulse and wave until she finally clicked it off and gently withdrew it, seeing how glistening it was with her cum coating it.
Part of her twinged then, she used to love the way Emma would lazily lick her fingers after she had come all over them, the lustful look in her eyes that said she could never get enough of her. And Regina wanted to know where that person had gone, why she was now looking at a silicone covered lump of metal and plastic that had replaced her girlfriend. And to all intense and purposes it had. Regina quickly pushed away the thought that she had come hard and quickly, that the toy really was fantastic. Even more so than Emma had once been. Regina dared not think about that, it couldn't be true. Only it had been so long her memory was becoming blurred and maybe it was true, she really couldn't remember. What Regina did know was this vibrator gave her a level of satisfaction that was better than any of her other toys and she desperately wanted to use it again.
Sighing as she had to go back to the office she cleaned the toy and put it back in the drawer, going to the bathroom to freshen herself up and put on clean underwear. She couldn't get caught up in her own pleasure, she had a job to do and brushing her hair back into place she checked her reflection in the mirror and once happy she left the house. The high from her orgasm was quickly dissipating and she felt life crowd back in, demanding her time and attention.
That afternoon the time dragged and she found herself thinking more and more about her relationship. Was it over? How could she even be thinking that? Certainly Emma was distant, but what kind of person walked away from a loved one when they were so obviously still hurting and damaged, broken by the loss of their Mother? She wasn't cruel and uncaring and she couldn't hurt Emma like that, leave her helpless and alone in the world. Did she still love her? The answer was definite, Yes. She did, without hesitation. She just wasn't getting what she wanted from the relationship and she understood she was behaving like a child who was sulking when they didn't get their own way.
Admittedly it had been a long time and she missed her lover, and she didn't know if she could maintain this façade forever, but she wasn't a quitter. There was one thing Regina Mills was above all else and it was stubborn. She also loved deeply and she still felt the emotions swirl inside her when she thought of Emma. She missed her smile, missed being close with her, that was all. She would reach inside herself and find that strength, to be patient and to be there for Emma. But she admitted to herself that things did need to change and that the conversation she had been avoiding and putting off needed to be had.
She wasn't going to let their love die over something petty, and she knew she was as much as fault here as the blonde. She should have been true to herself, been The Mayor and The Queen and taken charge long before now. Emma needed guiding, needed to be told some home truths, her wallowing had gone on long enough and Regina needed to sit her down and be brutally honest about it. Emma wasn't living and Regina had got caught up in that cycle, she wasn't helping her lover get better, they were both just slowly getting worse.
She sent Henry a text asking him to stay over with Nick or his grandpa that evening and left the office early to go home and cook for them both. On the way she stopped in to Archie's office and asked whether he would be able to do grief counselling and how many sessions or hours a week he thought he'd need to begin with. She felt better than she had in months, she felt she was finally doing something, there was hope and a light at the end of the tunnel she seemed to have got trapped inside.
She thought about the vibrators, she had been using them as a crutch, a patch that was only covering up a problem and not fixing it. She needed to address the real problem but before she tried to deal with any of that she did however need to know one thing. She steeled herself for the conversation, because she wasn't sure how she'd react if the answer she got to the question, "Do you still want this, me and our relationship?" was a refusal, a No.
She realised Emma was lost, she had continued with things because they were a pattern, easy and didn't require any thought. She was essentially on auto-pilot and Regina had let her. If living with Regina was just another part of that, if their love had died and neither of them had been strong enough to address it, letting things amble along because it would be harder to end it, hurt more to make that decision then Regina would have to force the conversation. Much as it pained her and would break her heart, if things were over this limbo they were living in wasn't helping. She was addicted to masturbation and Emma was closed off both sexually but now Regina thought about it, emotionally as well. She suspected the sex had disappeared because Emma couldn't engage with her, there was something making her pull away, probably the fear of losing and it had taken root at a deep level. It wasn't healthy and if she was the first one to see it then she needed to say something.
She tried not to let the thought this conversation might be the end affect her, she tried to ignore the tears that shimmered in her vision. Because she didn't want this to be over. She thought she had found her happy ending and for several years she had been blissfully happy. Had her heart betrayed her again, or had fate come along and twisted her future, taking away the happy ending just as she had begun to believe she could have it all? She sighed and blinked, the tears falling down her face. How could she not know how Emma felt? They shared the house, shared a bed every night. That showed her how far apart they had drifted, because there was a time when they could practically read each other's minds, finishing the other's sentences and she had seen the happiness mirrored on Emma's features, love filling her heart as much as it did her own.
Regina ducked her head and wiped the tears away as she heard the key in the front door. She turned the heat on the saucepan down and went to check the place settings as Emma walked in.
With a deep breath she took her life in her hands, turning round and greeting the younger woman, "How was your day? I made us a light dinner, I hoped afterwards we could talk?"