The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters is lost somewhere. Just some random madness from my tiny little mind that came into my head. This time it's…
The Legend of Charlotte Caesar Tunt The Second.
"And I thought we had a lot of downtime last year when we were spies," Lana sighed as she sat down in the break room. Pam, Ray and Cheryl were at the table doing various things. "There's even less work now thanks to the Double Indecency Incident."
"Well we're all taking advantage of the downtime," Ray said as he looked through a magazine. "I'm taking an online bartending course."
"An online bartending course?" Lana asked.
"It's surprisingly more informative than you think," Ray shrugged. "But for me it's very easy."
"Well considering the history of this agency you probably have a leg up on your classmates," Pam snorted as she worked on a letter of some kind.
"Tell me about it," Ray said. "Did you know a Rusty Krieger was an extra credit question on a test? Aced it."
"That is disturbing on so many levels," Lana sighed.
"I'm also thinking of taking a language class," Ray said. "It's either Spanish or French."
"I thought you knew some French," Lana gave him a look.
"Only enough to get by in a restaurant," Ray admitted. "Then again Italian is interesting."
"Sounds more interesting than my days at work," Lana groaned. "Paying bills with money I barely have. Making calls for doctor's appointments and other things."
"Hey how did that parenting class go?" Pam asked.
"Don't ask," Lana groaned.
"You brought Archer to a class, didn't you?" Cheryl snickered as she made paper cutouts of deformed heads.
"Huge mistake," Lana groaned. "Not only was I demoted to the remedial class I got kicked out of that when my check bounced."
Pam shrugged. "Hey as long as you learned something and didn't have to pay for it, you came out ahead."
"Trust me," Lana sighed. "I paid for it. And what are you doing Pam? Paying bills?"
"Oh I'm sending my sister Edie some pictures of me at Venice Beach and on Rodeo Drive," Pam said happily. "I love sending my sister pictures of places I've been. Really pisses her off."
"So you can drive home the fact that you've actually seen the world and done something with her life and she hasn't?" Cheryl asked. "Yeah I totally get that."
"I thought you would," Pam grinned. "Best of all she hasn't called me since her groom ran off with her maid of honor last year."
"And I assume you use that term loosely," Ray said. "Considering the fact that she gave him a blow job behind the sundae bar."
"You assume correctly," Pam snorted. "God it was worth being kidnapped by Barry the bionic bozo to see her second attempt at marriage end up in the crapper."
"Second attempt?" Lana asked.
"Yeah," Pam said. "She tried to marry this one guy who knocked her up but…My uncles made sure he didn't live to see his wedding day if you get my drift. Long story. Long racist hate filled story."
"Ooh! I have a long racist hate filled story!" Cheryl grinned. "About my great aunt Charlotte Caesar Tunt The Second!"
"And you're going to tell it to us whether we like it or not," Lana groaned.
"She's kind of a legend in our family," Cheryl nodded. "Part of it was because she was black."
"What?" Lana did a double take.
"A quarter black technically," Cheryl shrugged. "Her mother was a half white slave. My Great-Great-Great Uncle Caesar Tunt had an affair with her. Well he kind of had an affair with pretty much every female slave on his plantation. Except for the ugly ones of course. But he really loved Charlotte the most. Even more than his own wife."
"And I'm guessing Charlotte got knocked up by your uncle," Pam said.
"You guess correctly," Cheryl nodded. "He decided to make their child his heir. So he came up with a plan. He murdered his first wife and blamed it on a slave rebellion. See he was having trouble with his creditors and he found this clause in his insurance policy that paid double if his plantation and his wife were killed in both fire and slave rebellion."
"So he figured why not kill two birds with one stone?" Ray raised an eyebrow.
"Technically it was his wife, two servants and his business partner," Cheryl explained. "So he got a ton of money, took Charlotte the First to another state where nobody knew them and pretended that they were husband and wife. Charlotte the First looked more white than black so she could pass easily."
"And they had a daughter which they named Charlotte the Second," Pam connected the dots.
"Right!" Cheryl nodded. "Charlotte Caesar the Second. Charlotte the First died in childbirth. But Great Uncle Caesar was devoted to his daughter and sent her to the best schools and gave her everything. Except for the knowledge of her background. Because you know? People were…uh…"
"Racist?" Lana asked.
"That's the word," Cheryl nodded. "Anyway Caesar became a pillar of the community. Well known and loved. Blah blah. And Charlotte the Second was well loved with many admirers. Up until she was seventeen when her father died at her coming out ball. He got into a duel with some other father and they blew each other's brains out."
"God damn," Ray whistled.
"Yeah it created a huge stain on the carpet," Cheryl nodded. "But the real stain on Charlotte's life was yet to come. See…not everyone died in that plantation fire all those years ago. Caesar's wife's most loyal slave pretended to be shot dead, and then made her escape to her mistress' family where she told them everything."
"I sense a change in the plot," Pam remarked.
"Oh yeah," Cheryl nodded. "They were pissed. And they swore revenge on Caesar Tunt and his family. It took them years to track him down. Mostly because they had a few other family problems to take care of first."
"But they eventually found out about Caesar and got their revenge, right?" Lana asked.
"Oh yeah. They got their revenge all right when my several times great Aunt Tully Tunt crashed the funeral and spilled the beans," Cheryl said. "Charlotte the Second's history and the murder of her sister by her husband Caesar. That was one of the top five scandalous funerals in Tunt history!"
"Wait, wait back up!" Pam interrupted. "Caesar's wife's sister was a Tunt? That would make his wife…?"
"A Tunt too," Cheryl nodded. "Second cousin actually. The Tunts have been marrying their cousins for generations."
"And another piece of the puzzle fits," Ray said dryly.
"Tally had papers and everything proving that Charlotte was a bastard as well as black," Cheryl said. "Apparently, the slave saved them from the fire. Long story short…"
"Too late," Pam quipped.
"Thanks to some laws and a few bribes Tally and her family took everything Charlotte owned," Cheryl said. "Including Charlotte."
"This does not bode well," Lana winced.
"The plan was to sell her into slavery," Cheryl said. "But as luck would have it that was the week the Civil War ended so they couldn't do that. Plus they were living in New Jersey at the time so there was only one thing they could do. Sell her into white slavery to a brothel in Morocco. Which they did."
"Damn girl," Ray whistled. "Alex Hailey's got nothing on you."
"Fortunately for Charlotte she was very resourceful," Cheryl said. "Within three years she worked her way up from being a slave to running the brothel. And eventually a chain of brothels."
"That is resourceful," Pam blinked.
"It didn't hurt that she seduced and murdered the owners of the brothel," Cheryl said. "However as successful as she was, Charlotte seethed with revenge. And she went about getting it."
"This is going to get very bloody and full of fire isn't it?" Ray sighed.
"It is a Tunt family story," Pam said.
"Duh!" Cheryl rolled her eyes. "Anyway she put her plan in motion. Within two years of owning the chain of brothels she had a network of spies all over. And she put them to good use. The first thing she did was burn down her old school that kicked her to the curb when they learned the truth about her heritage."
"A reasonable response," Ray said dryly. "How did they know it was her?"
"She left a note," Cheryl said. "Next to the corpse of her old headmistress. But before the cops could track her down she was off to her next phase."
"Which was?" Lana sighed.
"She was gathering allies," Cheryl said. "Making deals with other members of the Tunt family that loathed Aunt Tally and her husband even more than she did. And three years after the fire. And a few more murders after that…Her plan came into fruition."
No one said anything as Cheryl continued her tale. "It was the night of Aunt Tally's forty fifth birthday. A party was planned in her honor at Tunt Hall, the home of Aunt Tally's half-brother and business rival to her husband. Everything was going well. Aunt Tally and all her close family allies were there. As well as several of her enemies, so she could lord her family's success over the rest of them."
"Strangely enough someone gave wine to all the servants and guards attending the party," Cheryl said. "Drugging them and knocking them out. By the time Aunt Tally realized what was going on, it was too late."
"BANG! BANG! Gunshots rang through Tunt Hall as the enemies of Aunt Tally revealed their weapons and killed their hated rivals! All but Aunt Tally! That honor was reserved for Charlotte Tunt who strode over the bodies like a conquering hero! Aunt Tally tried to flee in terror but she was captured and dragged to Charlotte on her knees. Her please for mercy were for naught…With one swift strike from a sword she was given as a favor from a former lover…SWISH! Aunt Tally's head fell from her shoulders like ripe fruit."
"God damn girl…" Pam was stunned.
"That's why to this day my family always comes to family events well-armed," Cheryl nodded.
"That does not surprise me," Ray sighed.
"Aunt Charlotte held Aunt Tally's head before her," Cheryl got into the story. "And she and her enemies feasted into the night over the bodies of their enemies. Which honestly only numbered like nine or ten. These were the people in the family most of the Tunts really hated. And they could get their money from in wills…"
"God damn…" Lana was stunned.
"No one ever saw Aunt Charlotte the Second after that night," Cheryl said wistfully. "But many years later one of my family's detectives tracked her down to a small town in Australia. Apparently, she met Robert Alyder the wealthy owner of a fireworks factory and married him. They had two children, both boys before Robert died in a suspicious but very loud firework warehouse explosion."
"And I'm guessing Charlotte got everything," Ray sighed. "Am I right?"
"Yes," Cheryl nodded. "However shortly after that she died when she was attacked in her sleep by a rabid wombat in the middle of the night."
"A rabid wombat?" Lana did a double take.
"Yes," Cheryl nodded. "It sliced her to death using a straight razor. Which her teenage sons killed after it killed their mother. That's what their servants said happened. Who surprisingly came into a lot of money after the brothers inherited the family fortune."
"Oh dear God…" Ray groaned.
"So Robert Alyder Jr. And Raymond Alyder lived on," Cheryl said. "Well until Robert Junior was hanged to death for burning an orphanage down and the murder of several orphans. And a few prostitutes. And a judge. Well the first one who tried him and sentenced him. And the deputy who Robert Jr. stole the gun from at his first trial. They had to have a second one for him murdering the judge and stuff. Only took ten minutes but still..."
"And Raymond?" Ray asked.
"Last he was seen running for his life from his creditors who were chasing him with pitchforks and torches," Cheryl shrugged. "But it is an interesting bit of family history. Imagine having relatives that were Australian? Talk about weird!"
"It boggles the mind," Pam said in a deadpanned tone.
"Well I'd better get back to work," Cheryl got up. "Those papers won't shred themselves you know?"
"What papers?" Lana asked.
"Whatever papers I can find," Cheryl shrugged as she walked out of the room.
"Wow…" Pam blinked. "Cheryl's family has got a river of crazy longer than the Amazon."
"I have a theory," Ray said. "I believe there is a special section of Hell populated only by Tunts."
"I believe you may be right," Lana sighed.