Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note, obviously.

Warnings: Heavy emotion, potential triggers (including suicide), character death, convoluted-ness.

Characters: Matsuda, Ide, Mogi, Aizawa, Yamamoto, Sayu, Sachiko, Female OC (plot device), male OC (plot device), New-Kira, Near, SPK members.

A/N: See at bottom.

Without further ado I now present Broken: a Death Note Fanfiction.

Matsuda hadn't broken when Chief Yagami died. He hadn't broken when Yagami Sayu retreated into a silent world of her own creation. He hadn't broken when the other Task Force members railed at him for being an idiot, again and again…

Again and again and again…

He'd just squared his shoulders, forced a sheepish grin or a solemn expression on his face, depending on the situation and kept plodding on; his own personalized version of the trials of Sisyphus. He just kept pushing his boulder up the hill.

He hadn't even broken when Light, sweet, deceptive Light, the NPA's own personal Lucifer, had finally revealed himself as Kira. He'd come very close. The bonds of his sanity had stretched perilously close to actually snapping. But, as the saying goes, "bones bend before they break." If the others in the Yellow Box Warehouse hadn't forcibly stopped him from shooting Light in the head, his sanity wouldn't have just broken. It would have shattered into a hundred thousand pieces, and all the king's horses and all the king's men wouldn't have been able to put Matsuda together again.

Some days, like today he wished that, that were exactly what exactly what had happened on that day.

He and Mogi had responded to an urgent distress call about a woman jumping from the top of the Tokyo Bridge. She'd been dead as soon as she'd hit the ground, her neck snapped. Her skull shattered. Every bone in her frail body crushed. Blood staining the few strands of blond hair peeking out from under the towel, which a well-meaning bystander had draped over her face, a deep crimson. A crimson so dark that the strands looked nearly black.

St. Valentine's Day. A day for lovers, and he and Mogi were spending it stooped over a quickly cooling corpse.

Mogi gently peeled the towel away from her face and Matsuda couldn't hold back the gasp that wrenched itself from his lungs. The fall had barely damaged her beautiful face, an oddity if there ever was one. Though the once sweet, open features were contorted into a silent scream, her blue eyes were calm and accepting, as if the kiss of the concrete was the gentle caress of a lover.

Matsuda threw his hand over his mouth, barely aware of the low, keening groan escaping his throat.
"Misa-Misa…No." He turned away, unable to keep looking at the shell of the once vivacious woman. "Mogi…I can't do this. I'm sorry."

"It's alright Matsuda-san. I'll finish up here. You take a cab back to the station. You'll need to inform the Chief and Ide, see if they can meet to discuss this…development." Mogi's calm, deep bass barely registered in Matsuda's ears as he made his way past the yellow tape and out onto the main road. He hailed a cab moving slowly, an old man suffering the debilitating effects of old age more keenly than most as he entered the cab.

Numbly he gave the cab driver an address in a dead voice, images of Misa flitting through his mind like a heartbreakingly cruel hummingbird. His fingers trembled as he pulled his mobile phone out of his pocket. He dialed the number once…twice…three times, before snarling in frustration and slamming the phone shut so hard that the screen cracked, flickered, and went black.

Just like Misa…

"DAMMIT!" the curse erupted from Matsuda's mouth so viciously, it made the cab driver swerve into oncoming traffic for a moment, just a moment, before correcting himself and pulling off to the side of the road. The driver glared reprovingly at Matsuda, his expression softening slightly when he saw Matsuda's expression. Matsuda's face was pale, he was shaking, and the lines around his eyes and mouth stood out in stark relief against the paleness of his skin. His hands were clenched into fists and his breath was coming in quick, short pants.

"Sir. Is there someone I can call for you? You don't look so good." The driver's voice was low and soft. Matsuda took several deep, albeit shaky, breaths and forced his fists to unclench.

"N-No. Just take me to the Police Station please. I'm very sorry for my outburst." Matsuda's voice was surprisingly calm, given the strength of his emotions, just moments before. He closed his eyes, leaned back against the headrest, and said softly, "please." The taxi driver put the car in drive and pulled away from the curb. As Matsuda felt the car lurch into gear, he opened his eyes and stared blankly out the window at the city as it rushed by. Things that would normally have sent Matsuda into an indignant impotent rage, such as the small group of people picketing the police station with pro-Kira signs, barely had an effect on him now. The cab slowed down and parked across the street from the police station. Matsuda paid the cab driver and pushed open the door. He clambered out of the cab and forced a neutral expression on his face as he walked toward the front door. The pro-Kira demonstrators were chanting obscenities at him and one of them jumped forward at him. Matsuda gave the man a death glare and hurried towards the door. He opened the door with a vicious tug and slammed the door shut behind him. Matsuda stalked over to his desk, dropped his files and cell phone in front of his computer and slunk out of the main office area and into the employee bathroom.

He glared at his reflection in the mirror, that gaunt and quivering thing. He shook his head and turned the cold water tap on full blast. He splashed the water onto his face and leaned heavily against the wall.

Time passed…he wasn't sure how much, when the bathroom door swung inwards. Instantly Matsuda straightened up, trying to hide how close he was to falling apart. Ide entered the bathroom, gave Matsuda a quiet nod and proceeded to use the facilities. Matsuda cleared his throat as his friend washed his hands.

"Is-Is Aizawa in his office, d'you know?" His voice was only slightly thicker than was usual. A brief shadow of confusion crossed Ide's face as he nodded.

"At least he was five minutes ago. Why? What's up?" Matsuda gave a shaky grin.

"I only want to explain this once, so you and I need to go talk to him, in private." Matsuda felt a faint swelling of pride that he was able to say that so calmly and unemotionally. Ide's look of confusion changed to one wary trepidation.

"Alright, Matsuda let's go."

Matsuda felt his eyebrows pull together in slight amazement; apparently all it took to get your coworkers to take you seriously was to channel your inner Near.

"Good to know." He murmured under his breath.

He followed Ide, just a few paces behind, looking for all the world like a puppy dog following its owner. The sounds of the office seemed muffled and far away, a relief really. The constant sensory overload that Matsuda had been subjected to since they had first seen Misa's corpse, had been wearing his nerves down to the roots. He was wound as tightly as a coiled spring, his expression watchful and tense. They stopped in front of Aizawa's office door, waiting silently while Aizawa finished up his call. Aizawa waved them in and motioned for them to sit. Matsuda stared at his hands, willing the bile trying to force its way up his throat back down.

"What do you need Ide…Matsuda?" After a few beats of awkward silence, Ide cleared his throat and said,

"Matsuda said he and Mogi had something important they needed to tell us." Matsuda jumped up and closed the door. Aizawa had started at Matsuda's abrupt flurry of movement, nearly sending his coffee cup into his lap. Matsuda remained standing and tensed as he began speaking.

"Mogi and I went out in response to a woman jumping off the Tokyo Bridge. When we got there, we found out that the woman was Amane Misa." Matsuda paused for a moment, pressing his lips together and a slight hiss escaped from Aizawa. Matsuda opened his mouth to speak again, when another voice interrupted him.

"And clutched in her hand was this." A deep voice sounded from behind Matsuda, making him flinch in surprise. Mogi stepped forward and slid an evidence bag forward onto Aizawa's desk. Inside the bag was a single sheet of paper; a heavy sort of paper, sort of like vellum, a type of paper, which was horribly familiar to anyone who had been involved with the Kira Task Force. Aizawa reached forward, his hand shaking slightly, and delicately lifted the evidence bag between two fingers, his movements eerily reminiscent of Ryuzaki's trademark gestures. He read out the words on the paper quietly, disbelievingly.

"Amane Misa. Suicide. 14/2/2011. 13:49:28. Climbs to the top of the South Tower of the Tokyo Bridge. Falls to her death after 47.2 seconds. In her apartment she leaves a note confessing to the worst crimes she has ever committed. She then leaves her most important notebook sitting on her desk next to the note. She then leaves the apartment, without locking it." The room was dead silent for several seconds, as the men stared at each other uncomprehendingly.

"T-this can't be real can it?" Matsuda croaked. "I mean, I thought Near confiscated all the Death Notes." Aizawa closed his eyes, his expression tense.

"Did you go to her apartment to look for the notebook?" Mogi nodded silently.

"There wasn't anything there. That new kid Yamamoto and I went there after Matsuda and I investigated the scene and I sent Matsuda back to apprise you of the situation." Aizawa sighed heavily.

"Then I suppose the next step is to call Near and let him know of the situation. The rest of you can go home. I'll take the note down to Forensics to get analyzed and call you as soon as I know more." The men moved slowly as if waking from a dream as they looked at the door.

Matsuda was the first person out of the office. He made his way over to his desk and sagged into the chair, his entire body collapsing. He buried his face in his hands, cursing silently. His hands clenched into fists and he punched the table hard, leaving a slight dent in the surface of the polished wood. With great effort he made his fists relax and rest gently on the surface of the desk. He stared at his hands, his eyes burning holes into the desk, hating himself for the slight tremor that was affecting his hands. He took several deep breaths, forcing himself to calm down. After he had gained more control over himself he looked up. Never in his whole life had he been so grateful that he had requested that his desk was moved after Light was killed. His desk was in a dark, shadowy corner, tucked away from everyone else's desk. No one had been near enough to witness his outburst, not even the other members of the Task Force. He let out a slight wheezing sigh, as he saw Mogi and Ide moving in the direction of his desk. He tried to force one of his typical expressions onto his face, and found that he couldn't.

He couldn't smile.

He was just too tired.

That thought struck him as oddly funny and he started shaking in silent laughter. He laughed until tears were actually streaming down his face and he coughed. He felt a strong hand gripping his shoulder, pulling him out of his chair and leading him down the hallway.

"Calm down Matsuda!" Ide hissed, as Matsuda continued laughing silently. Matsuda struggled to regain control over himself. Finally his laughter subsided and he looked up at the two men who were staring at him with obvious concern. He panted as he tried to make himself meet their worried gazes.

"I-I'm sorry…I'm fine now." He muttered this softly, feeling shame flood him. Ide's expression plainly showed how much he believed Matsuda. Mogi's expression was carefully blank. Matsuda's eyes flickered up to meet each of their gazes, before flitting away to rest on a fixed point at the wall behind them.

"Okay then. Matsuda, Mogi and I were just discussing the case and we were going to go back to my place and see if we can figure out any plausible leads. Do you want to come?" Matsuda shook his head once, before saying in a surprisingly steady voice.

"I can't. It's Monday, I always go to see Sayu on Monday and Thursday afternoons." He avoided their disbelieving stares, before continuing, "She's starting to show real progress. She actually reacted when I showed up with her mother last week."

He was lying of course…Sayu hadn't made any progress, beyond showing a miniscule reaction when she was informed of Light's death. The nurses had told him months ago that there was probably no chance of Sayu ever becoming normal again. Nurse Sakura had told him, in confidence, because she wanted to know if he had any idea of how to break the news to Sachiko. He hadn't of course. Had no idea how to soften the blow for Yagami Sachiko that she would probably be alone for the rest of her life, that her perfect family was destroyed, probably forever. He sighed and faked a smile at them. "Besides I promised Sayu I'd bring her some mochi the next time I visited. If I have time after I'll stop by your place Ide." Ide looked like he wanted to protest, but Mogi's hand on his shoulder stopped him from voicing his complaint. With a silent nod to Ide and Mogi, Matsuda turned and strode away, walking with a new purpose.

Matsuda pulled his car into his usual parking space, at the group home where Yagami Sayu had spent the last year and a half, living in total silence. He turned the key into the off position and slipped his car keys into his pocket. He grabbed the bakery box before he exited the car and walked up the paved pathway to the entrance of the pretty house. He signed in at the nurse's station, wrinkling his nose at the medicinal smell of the building, which was belied by its outside appearance. He made his way down the hallway, before a woman calling his name in a cautious voice, made him pause. He turned to greet Nurse Sakura, but the words were caught in his throat, as her facial expression registered. She looked both serious and excited at the same time, with a whole lot of tension interspersed in her other expressions. His expression turned to alarm.

"Did something happen?" he barely refrained from grabbing her shoulders and shaking her. "Is Yagami-chan okay?" The nurse's black eyes fairly glowed with delight.

"She woke up last night. She's been talking to her mother all morning!" A grin burst onto Matsuda's face. "Himura-sensei will be down to examine her in a few minutes." Her expression grew more serious. "You have to be very careful about what you say to her. She doesn't seem to remember much of anything after the year she graduated from high school. If you say something indiscreet you might cause her to relapse. Just let her direct the conversation. This is the most important thing though, don't mention anything about her father and brother, the shock might cause her to fall back into her catatonic state." The grin that had been fixed on Matsuda's face slipped off of it. Matsuda closed his eyes, the tension rolling off him in waves.

"Yes. I understand." He sucked in a deep breath and walked down the hallway. He reached Sayu's door and paused as he heard a light musical giggle mingling with the lower tones of Sachiko. He knocked on the doorframe.

"Excuse me?" He peeked around the corner. He sucked in a breath at Sayu's appearance. Her brown eyes sparkled with lively energy and she was sitting upright, holding her mother's hand in her lap.

"Matsuda-kun, come in!" Sachiko's voice sounded ten years younger and more carefree than he'd heard it in years. He smiled quietly as he entered the room.

"I brought you two some fresh mochi cakes." He set the box on Sayu's bedside table and bowed politely. He looked at Sayu's face more carefully, taking in all the details. She'd lost weight, looked paler than normal, and her hair was limp, but she still looked healthier than he'd seen her look in years. "You look much better Yagami-chan." Sayu wrinkled her nose as she looked carefully at Matsuda's face.

"Mom?" She said softly leaning into her mother's shoulder. "Why does Matsuda-san look so old?" Matsuda controlled the flinch that wanted to make its way onto his face at her harsh words. Sachiko looked vaguely uncomfortable for an instant, before laughing gently and saying in a teasing tone.

"He's just been working hard. I think he needs to get more rest!" Matsuda nodded and laughed awkwardly.

"…Yes. I've been working hard recently." A firm knock sounded at the door, and all three turned to look at the door. Standing in the doorway was Nurse Sakura, and standing behind her was Doctor Himura. Matsuda recognized the man from several of his past visits.

"Unfortunately visiting hours are over now Matsuda-san." Matsuda nodded and bowed to Sayu and Sachiko again.

"It was wonderful to see you again. I'll visit again on Thursday afternoon. Would either of you like me to bring you anything when I visit again?" Sayu pursed her lips as she thought.

"Can you bring Misa and Light with you, when you visit again?" Matsuda's smile remained frozen on his face as he turned to look back at Sayu.

"…maybe…" Matsuda turned away before Sayu could see the tears burning in his eyes. He left the room in a hurry, almost running down the hall. He almost made it to the door, before he felt a hand grip his shoulder. He whipped around and saw Sachiko's burning eyes.

"Can you explain the situation to Misa and ask if she can come down and see Sayu." Her voice was soft and pleading. Matsuda gave one short jerk of his head.

"I can't." Her expression grew angry as he refused to look her in the eyes.

"Why not!" He was silent for a moment, then spoke quickly as if that would minimize the amount of damage his words would cause.

"Amane Misa is dead. She committed suicide earlier today."

SLAP! A loud crack issued as Sachiko's hand met Matsuda's cheek. His head jerked around from the force of the slap. He reached up and touched his cheek, wincing at the weal that was already forming. He reluctantly met her hard gaze. She snapped furiously in a low voice.

"Don't come back. Don't come near my daughter again. You bring nothing but death with you. You brought my husband's death to me. You brought my son's death to me. Now you've even brought my son's fiancée's death to me." She hissed venomously, her voice shaking. "Ju-just stay away from me and stay away from my daughter!" She turned on her heel and stalked down the hallway back to her daughter's room, leaving Matsuda holding his cheek and staring bleakly at her retreating form. He bit the inside of his cheek hard, trying to distract himself from the hot tears burning in his eyes.

Matsuda stayed staring for several seconds, before turning away and fleeing the building as if the flames of hell were licking at his feet. Matsuda kept running until he got to his car, he pulled open the door and slammed it shut behind him.

Author's Note: My god, I am just horrible to Matsuda aren't I. In another fic I have him being suicidal, in this one I just keep heaping on torment after torment...oh well! I'm just a bit twisted.

I get Sachiko is a little harsh, but in this universe Matsuda has informed her about all of these deaths. She doesn't really blame him, but she can't help but feel like it partially his fault. She is also acting out of anger and grief, and many people, when they are grieving, say things, which they later regret.

If you liked it and would like to see what else will happen please review. I find reviews do make me write both faster and better. I like con-crit and quite dislike flames. Please hit the purple button just below!