The Death of Iggy and Gazzy
a Maximum Ride one shot by chanceXinfinity
On a cool fall afternoon, a plan was being devised in the Martinez home. While the rest of the flock carried out their normal daily activities, Iggy and the Gasman were scheming the best day ever. Now if they could just get out without attracting suspicion…
"ME AND IGGY ARE GOING TO WALMART!" Gazzy shouted as loud as he could, receiving the harshest glare he'd ever seen a blind kid give from Iggy.
"Why?" Max called back from the living room, where her and Fang were watching bad TV for the heck of it.
"I need some stuff for dinner!" Iggy lied smoothly.
"Okay! Be careful!" Max replied. It was more like an order, the way she said it.
"Yes ma'am!" Gazzy and Iggy yelled in unison before running out the back door and taking off.
The flight to Walmart was uneventful, except for Iggy momentarily losing his bearings in a particularly thick cloud. Soon the pair was touching down in the convenient strip of pine trees behind the store. They casually walked around to the front of the store and marveled at the wonder that was automatic doors.
The greeter was an elderly lady who looked overly happy to be working for minimum wage. She smiled brightly at the two, as if seeing them were the highlight of her miserable life. "Welcome to Walmart!"
Iggy and Gazzy smiled at the woman and stopped in front of her. "Do you like waffles?" Gazzy asked the woman, whose name plate read GERTRUDE.
"I suppose," Gertrude answered, very confused. Most of the time she received a curt nod or wasn't even acknowledged.
"Do you like pancakes?" Iggy asked in a sing-song tone of voice.
"Er, yes," Gertrude replied. The two boys were starting to creep her out considerably. They were starting to invading her personal space.
Gazzy looked at the greeter as if the fate of the world depended on her answer to his next question. "Do you like French toast?"
"Sure," Gertrude said, trying to smile.
The two boys threw up their arms and screamed, "Do dodo do! Can't wait to get a mouthful!" while spinning in circles. Gertrude was stunned silent with her mouth hanging open. By the time she had formed a response they had run into the store, leaving her wishing she worked Target.
-oOo-
"Do you think this shade of purple will match the dress?" Iggy asked, quirking an eyebrow at Gazzy.
Gazzy shook his head. "Nah, man. It's too dark. Keep lookin'."
The teen girls, women, and one lonely looking man standing in the cosmetic aisle looked at them in various forms of confusion. They were seated in front of the nail polish rack, looking at all the different colors or, in Iggy's case, feeling them.
Our blind pyro turned to the woman nearest him. "Excuse me, miss? I'm getting some nail polish to match a homecoming dress and I'm not sure what shade to get. Which is prettier?" He held up two bottles of nail polish that were the exact same color.
"Actually, those are the same color," the woman replied politely. She was concerned for these two boys looking for nail polish to match a homecoming dress (which she prayed was not theirs) but didn't want to be rude.
"OMG! Iggy! This color will match it, like, perfectly!" Gazzy said, holding up the exact same color of polish in a triumphant manner.
Iggy took the bottle and turned it over in his hand. "It will!" He turned to the woman with a bright smile. "Don't you think?"
"Uhm..." The woman wasn't quite sure how to reply. She began to back away slowly then broke out into a run as she fled the aisle, abandoning her shopping cart and daughter, who was perched in the child's seat.
-oOo-
"Jump, Kirby, jump!" Iggy yelled in the direction of the television, furiously hitting what he thought was the up button on the Xbox controller.
"Ig, that's the down button," Gazzy pointed out in a bored tone, letting out a small sigh.
Iggy shrugged. "I mean duck, Kirby, duck!"
The two had moved into the electronics section and were playing an Xbox demo, with less than satisfactory results. They received looks of annoyance and disgust from the gamers milling around.
"Eat him! Eat him!" Iggy yelled, pumping a fist in the air.
"You just died," Gazzy informed the blind bird-kid. Iggy proceeded to throw himself on the floor in a fit of curses.
"Why can't I win just once! Damn game! Fuck it! Damn the assholes that invented it! It's a fucking cheat! There is no way to win! Piece of shit!" Iggy screamed while beating his fists on the floor. The gamers just shook their heads in amusement or snickered behind their hands.
"Think this is funny, do you?" Gazzy asked one of the guys. "You do it then, if you're so great!"
Iggy pealed himself off the floor as the teenage boy began to play the Xbox demo. Within minutes he had defeated the enemy and a victorious tune sounded from the game.
"Ha! Suckers!" the teen cried in victory. He turned around to see Iggy crying on Gazzy's shoulder.
Gazzy glared daggers at the boy."You made a blind kid cry! You need to apologize!" he ordered firmly.
"You, like, challenged me," the teen said unintelligently.
"You don't have to rub it in!" Gazzy shouted.
"Uh, yeah, sorry," the teen apologized and rolled his eyes. "Sorry you're such an ass," he muttered under his breath as he walked away.
-oOo-
"You are definitely not getting a push up bra," Iggy told Gazzy, exasperated. "You're only nine. You need, like, a training bra."
Gazzy was on the edge of throwing a fit in the middle of the lingerie section. "But I want to look pretty with big boobs like Max!" he exclaimed.
"Max is fifteen, Gazzy," Iggy tried to reason.
Gazzy crossed his arms. "Just because I'm six years younger than her means I can't have pretty boobs?"
"You can have small pretty boobs," Iggy tried.
The boys were standing nearest the aisle, holding different bras in outrageous colors and patterns. They received mixed responses from the crowds passing. A group of teen boys whistled at Gazzy as they passed, waving flirtatiously in a sarcastic manner. A gaggle of pre-teen girls laughed at the pair. An elderly woman ran as fast as her walker would allow. A mom covered the eyes of her mortified son.
"But I want big pretty boobs!" Gazzy wailed dramatically.
"You'll just have to wait a few years until you hit puberty," Iggy said, pressing his hand to his forehead in an attempt to prevent his headache.
"Fine. But when I hit puberty you better watch out!" Gazzy declared with a huff, sashaying away like the diva he was.
-oOo-
"IGGY! I AM YOUR FATHER!" Gazzy screamed as he swiped at Iggy with a plastic light saber.
"You screwed with Max?" Iggy asked, astonished.
"What?" Gazzy said, his eyes widening.
"Max is, like, my mom, and if you're my dad..." Iggy trailed off, waggling his eyebrows suggestively.
"Just don't tell Fang!" Gazzy pleaded.
"I own your soul now. Black mail, father!" Iggy laughed like a mad man and ran off.
-oOo-
"Oh, my Jansen! I'M FLYING!" Gazzy yelled and spread out his arms like a bird.
Iggy pushed the cart faster as Gazzy stood in it.
"DON'TCHA WISH YOUR BOYFRIEND WAS FLY LIKE ME? DON'TCHA WISH YOUR BOYFRIEND WAS A MUTANT LIKE ME?" Gazzy sang loudly. "DON'TCHA?"
Iggy stopped the cart suddenly and Gazzy flew forward onto the hard, unforgiving floor. "Dang, Ig! What was that for?"
"Any more of that singing and I would be deaf as well as blind," Iggy complained and massaged his temples.
-oOo-
"And then I was like, 'No way!'" a girl laughed. All the girls surrounding her laughed too, in that annoying way preppy teenage girls do.
"Hello, ladies," Iggy said and put his arms around two of the girls. He smirked and let his hair fall forward over his face, the way Ella said made him look like a lady killer.
"Hey," they replied, their voices breathy.
Iggy tried to aim his gaze at one girl as he asked, "Are you from Tennessee? 'Cause you're the only ten I see!"
"You call that a pick-up line?" Gazzy interrupted, coming from seemingly nowhere. He turned to one of the girls. "Girl, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?"
"Lame!" Iggy snorted. "Did you clean your pants with Windex? I can practically see myself in them."
"If you were a booger I'd pick you first!"
"Should I call you in the morning or nudge you?"
"I'd marry your cat just to get into the family!"
"My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me any time you want to!"
"There's this movie I wanted to see and my mom said I couldn't go by myself..."
"I spilled something on my pants, and I think I'd look awfully good in yours."
"If you were a chicken, you'd be impeccable."
"I'm with the FBI - the Female Body Inspectors - and I'm going to have to ask you to assume the position."
By this time all the girls were laughing and punching Iggy in the arm every time he said a pick-up line. Gazzy wasn't sure why the girls like Iggy's lines better; they didn't even make sense! So after the girls left he asked Iggy, "Hey, can you explain those pick-up lines to me?"
"You mean Fang hasn't given you the Talk yet?" Iggy asked, fear plain on his face.
"Uh, no?"
Iggy sighed. "Well let's start with the birds and the bees-"
-oOo-
"Uh, Max?"
"Yeah, Fang?"
"Where are Ig and Gazzy?"
"They went to Walmart."
"The one that just exploded?"
"THEY ARE SO DEAD!"
A/N: Simply a random one shot I wrote forever ago out of pure boredom and writer's block. I found it in my documents and decided to publish it, even though its not my best work at all. Just my lame attempt at humor. Reviews and favorites are greatly appreciated!
Chance xx