Holding on to Faith
Castiel was deep in his thoughts, wandering a corn field just a few miles from the latest no-tell motel the Winchester brothers had decided to stay at. Actually, he wasn't in his own thoughts, but rather in someone else's memory. Trying to find a certain moment, one of vulnerability and abandonment. He needed his 'charge' to be alone, go back to exactly that moment and...
"Brother, wait!"
He turned around, seeing, to his surprise, that it was Gabriel who had called out. The archangel quickly caught up with him, grabbing his arm and giving him a vivid look.
"Are you out of your mind, Castiel?", he asked. "What you're planning... it can't be the answer!"
The other man sighed deeply, a tired look on his face. His eyes seemed dull. He knew that it wasn't exactly the right thing to do and that his father, if he had still cared, would have surely intervened. But this was the only way, because his father didn't care.
Castiel tore away from his brother. "You know why I have to do this. He is doomed, Gabriel."
The other shook his head, a lack of understanding clear in his eyes. With clear disgust, he asked: "If you're already set on killing Sam Winchester, why go back in time to do so? Are you not willing to look him in the eyes when you betray him? At least give him some respect, brother! You know that he is trying, that fate isn't set in stone!"
Castiel titled his head to one side, glancing at the slightly shorter man with confusion.
"We can't take any chances when the whole human population is in greatest peril, you know that. And respect is not the problem, Lucifer is. He would simply bring Sam back if I I were to deal with this here."
Gabriel still couldn't believe how calm his brother talked about this. Even though he had only interacted with the Winchesters on a few occasions, he had grown quite fond of both of them. He actually caught himself believing that they could be able to beat the odds and end all of this. Of course, only with his awesome
help.
Recently he had found a way of dealing with Lucifer, a pretty good plan B as far as he was concerned, in case a direct approach of the problem wouldn't work. But he wanted to tell the Winchesters about that himself, didn't trust any of his brothers to deliver this message. Not even Castiel. Also, he had decided to to take a more active part in the fight against his older brother, Lucifer.
In short, the archangel Gabriel was back. He'd only have to hide for a few days more.
Of course, only if he could keep his brother from making one fatal mistake right now.
Trying to come up with a plan quickly, he said: "So where do you want to go? Prevent Mary from getting pregnant with him in the first place? Maybe kill Mary and John as well so neither of the boys will ever walk the earth?" A bit desperate, he added: "What the hell is your plan, Castiel?!"
The dark-haired angel looked down, not meeting his brother's eyes. Quietly, like he was actually ashamed, he said: "There were plenty of times John and Dean left him out of their sight. Situations where everything could have happened to a small child. I will make it quick, he won't suffer."
"Fine," mumbled Gabriel, clearly upset. He took a deep breath. "How about you let me choose the moment you go back to? Maybe I will still be able to change your mind."
Castiel nodded, though he really doubted that Gabriel would be able to do so.
His brother raised two fingers to his forehead and the last thing Castiel heard before being zapped (as Dean referred to it) was the strange advice to sit in the first pew, whatever that was supposed to mean.
One blink of an eye later, he found himself in a church.
Light fell through the colorful windows, basking the room in bright, friendly warmth. The church was slowly filling with people, slowly but steadily. Apparently, it was just a few more minutes until Sunday morning mass.
-
Jim Murphy was getting ready for his sermon, when a five-year-old Sam Winchester toddled up to him, sitting down on one of the kitchen chairs. The boy had woken up early today and had been bored ever since.
John was still sleeping on the couch, not really up to his youngster's energy level. And Dean liked to sleep in as well nowadays, apparently preferring sleep over the morning cartoons.
So Sam had been trying to entertain himself, make breakfast and get dressed all by himself. The result had been a slightly messy kitchen, second-hand toys all over the living room floor and the youngster wearing a dress shirt over his pajama pants and mix-matched socks. But at least he had been fed and not too unhappy when Jim had woken up.
Now the boy seemed bored again, pouting and looking up at the pastor.
"Where're ya going, Jim?", he asked, not wanting to be left alone with his sleeping family. Jim chuckled, by now the kid should knew the answer.
"Church, Sammy. You know what I do on Sunday mornings, right?" The boy nodded. He answered as if he had learned it by heart, read it in a book somewhere: "You go and tell the people about Jesus, and talk to them about how to live a good life and all..."
Well, he could live with that answer. He smiled at the boy, nodding. "Good enough, son."
For a few seconds there was silence in the room, only interrupted by John's soft snoring. Jim finished buttoning up his cassock and was ready to go when Sam tugged on his sleeve, looking up at him with big eyes.
"Can I come with you? I'll even be real quiet and behave myself. Please?"
Jim sighed. It wouldn't be the first time Sam came with him to church, but he wasn't so sure how John would like that. He would worry a great deal if he woke up and Sammy was gone, and even though he'd probably realize where the boy was in a matter of seconds, he wouldn't be pleased.
"Sammy, listen...", before he could tell the boy why he couldn't accompany him, though, a deep grumble came from the couch.
"'S okay, Jim. Take him with you." Apparently, John had woken up for a second. Knowing that Sam going with the pastor equaled more sleep, he wasn't about to deny the boy his fun. Maybe, going to the sermon would actually be boring enough to take him back to sleep for a while instead of just barely boring enough to make the boy fidgety.
"Sam?", he said, not even turning around but still facing the couch. "You behave yourself, alright? Be a good boy for Jim."
Sammy smiled widely, nodding vigorously.
A few minutes later, Jim entered the church with the small boy clutched securely to his hand. He was now wearing a long-sleeved shirt with red and blue stripes, blue jeans and a black vest along with matching sneakers, all courtesy of the church's clothing collection. He walked up to the first row, knowing that he needed to keep an eye on the boy even during his sermon.
Most of the families which came to church on Sunday were familiar to Jim, there were rarely any travelers or strangers in the small crowd he preached to. But today, there was a new face.
A man, not old by any standards but looking a big ragged with his trench coat and loose tie. He had dark hair, bags under his eyes and looked around like he didn't know what he was supposed to do here. He looked nice enough, though.
Jim decided to put some trust in this stranger and walked up to the spot where he sat. First pew, almost right in front of the pulpit. He smiled at the stranger, sat Sammy down beside him on the bench and gave the boy a serious look.
"Alright, same rules as always. You stay right here, you do not move and you wait for me to come and get you. No running off, okay?"
Sam nodded dutifully, swinging his legs back and forth and seeming still rather happy to be out of the house for a while.
Castiel looked up the moment he sensed Sam Winchester stepping into the church. He averted his eyes form the child when he realized that he was with a guardian, who he identified as Jim Murphy. He had seen the man a few times when going through Sam's memories.
What surprised him was the fact that he willingly placed the young child next to a complete stranger and even gave him instructions to stay where he was, apparently going to leave the child alone.
After that, the pastor turned to him. He introduced himself shortly and then: "I know I shouldn't be asking this of you, but would you be willing to look after the kid for a while? He won't be a problem, I assure you.", he was still smiling and affectionately ruffled the boy's hair. "Say hello, Sammy.", he encouraged him,
laying a hand on his back.
Sam looked up to Castiel. Polite, but a bit shy, he greeted him with a simple 'hello, mister'.
Jim chuckled and looked back at Castiel, waiting for an answer.
Slowly, the angel nodded. "Of course, I will not let anything harm him."
He was a bit shamed of that lie. After all, he was planning to kill the child as soon as he could get the chance. And luring him away from the church wouldn't be very difficult, Castiel could tell. But the pastor wouldn't remember him, he would make sure of that. No one in this church would.
Shortly, he was left alone with Sam and Jim went to the back of the church to prepare the last details of his sermon and then start with the mass.
It didn't take long for him to finish and finally start, and Castiel just sat back and watched. The man was talking about Job, and how he had endured everything that Satan threw his way, trusting that God was just, that he was being punished for a committed sin or being tested. In the end, he was rewarded by God for
never loosing his faith and proving to Satan that the people didn't just praise him when they were doing well. Job was a wise men.
But more than reminding him of the justice of his father, it made Castiel think about the Winchesters. The adult brothers, back in the time where he came from.
They reminded him of Job a bit, only that they didn't exactly believe in God anymore or trusted in him to end their suffering one day. But they were carrying on with their mission, conquering every obstacle which came into their way. And he had a feeling that they wouldn't stop anytime soon.
But on the other hand, there was one thing which was able to halt them, which would weaken them, maybe even enough to give up on everything they had tried to reach. And that losing each other, as time had proven again and again. They were co-dependent. So what would happen if Dean grew up without Sam? If he would carry on his self-set mission and kill the child which was sitting so trustfully beside him?
Would it change Dean? Make him grow up different, maybe not as the righteous man he was today?
No, Castiel berated himself, stop this nonsense. You came here for one thing, now carry through with it. After all, the end would justify the means, right? No
perfect vessel for Lucifer, no fight between the archangels, no apocalypse. He couldn't change his mind now.
He focused back on Jim's speech and on Sam, who had grown still beside him, absorbing the pastor's words.
After the sermon was over, pastor Jim took his time to talk to a few of the people who had visited the church and catch up with a few friends from one town over. Castiel decided that this was his chance, most people were leaving and no one would notice him walking out with the child, even if he had to drag him kicking and screaming. Now he reprimanded himself for losing so much time. If he hadn't let Gabriel talk him into choosing the moment himself, he would already be down with his deed. It was not like he enjoyed this.
He rose from his seat and, when Sam looked up at him, motioned him to follow. "Come with me, son. I... have to show you something. Something important."
Sam bit his lip, knowing that he wasn't supposed to leave his spot. But after all, Pastor Jim had asked the man to look over him, so it should bee alright. On the other hand, his Daddy always told him to never talk to a stranger, let alone go with one. But then again, how bad could this man be when Jim clearly trusted him? And he seemed nice, even though he never seemed to smile.
After debating with himself for a while he finally stood up and walked with the man. They stepped out of the building, leaving the animated chatter and general noise behind. No one to see them, no one to hear them.
Castiel led them to a little group of trees, providing shade in the up building heat. Once there, he stopped and turned towards the boy, who looked at him expectantly.
He was just about to open his mouth, in a vain attempt to explain to a little child why he couldn't continue on with his life (though he wasn't sure why he suddenly felt that he had to justify his actions) when the boy beat him to it.
Upper lip slightly sticking out, eyes wide, he asked: "Mister, do you believe in God?"
Castiel, surprised by the sudden question, nodded. "Yes, yes I do. Why?", he asked confused. Why would the child ask such a question? Personal believes were often considered a private matter among humans. Maybe children had problems to grasp such concepts. He could relate.
Sam just shrugged, averting his eyes as if he knew he had asked an improper question. "Dunno... you looked like you were thinking about something very hard, back in the church. And Jim said that people sometimes start doubting God when their life got hard, and that this is the reason that Dad doesn't believe in him..."
Well, he surely hadn't expected this answer. The child was apparently more observant than he seemed, or more than he should be.
"What about yourself? Do you have faith, Sam Winchester?", his voice was soft, but sincere.
This time, the boy nodded. "Yes, mister. I even pray every day, if I don't forget it... Pastor Jim showed me how."
"Even though your father is not religious?", Castiel frowned. Didn't children usually copy their parents? Or at least someone they looked up to, so maybe Dean prayed as well?
"No, he isn't but he doesn't know that I pray." Quietly, as if he didn't want anyone but Castiel to hear, he added: "I think it's like when you wish upon a star, you can't let anyone know about it or it won't come true."
Well, that wasn't true, technically, but telling him that would probably only confuse him. Castiel kneeled down so he could speak with Sam at eye-level. He had planned to get this whole situation over with quickly, but now he was curious. The younger version of Sam intrigued him, so different and yet exactly like his 26-year-old self. He seemed so innocent, and yet burdened and somehow tainted at the same time.
"What do you pray for, son?"
Sam thought about the answer for a while, furrowing his brows and biting his lips. Hesitantly, he started: "I... I just want my Dad to get better again, like he was before Mommy had to leave. He never talks about her and neither does Dean. He's my big brother and sometimes, it's really hard for him to take care of me and himself because Dad's at work or just doesn't want to be bothered. Dad can be mean sometimes, but then Dean tells me that he doesn't mean it like that and that he wasn't like this before Mommy went away. He says that she's with the angels now and that she can't come back.
"I was really small when she left, so I don't know how Dad used to be. I want to see him smile more often and to not yell at us or get annoyed so easily. That's what I pray for..."
Before Castiel could speak up, shocked by how easily the boy opened up to him and how moved he actually was, Sam went on. His eyes were glittering with tears now and he was sniffling a bit, but he held it together: "And sometimes... sometimes I think that it's all my fault. That Mommy left and Dad changed because of me, because they didn't want me or something... what if it was all my fault? I try to behave real' good for Dean and Dad, but sometimes I'm just not good enough and maybe that's why Dad leaves us alone all the time."
Now Castiel understood why this little boy reminded him so much of the adult-Sam, even though there were more than twenty years between them. Even at such a young age, the boy had apparently been good in blaming himself for something he had no control over and wanted to make up for his mistakes.
The Sam he knew blamed himself as well, for the apocalypse and being chosen as Lucifer's sword. For not listening to his brother when he should have and turning to a demon after his brother's death. For letting himself being manipulated and controlled, played to the point where no other outcome than opening the cage had been possible. And though he wasn't innocent, not by any means, the blame wasn't on him alone either. Painfully, Castiel thought back to the moment he had opened the door of the panic room. His own role in the messed up game played by heaven and hell, where everyone but the big bosses seemed to be pawns on a chessboard.
Sensing how shaken the child was, he hesitantly laid his arms around him, softly pressing him to his chest. Despite the fact that he was a total stranger and couldn't even see anything comforting in himself, not usually dealing with human emotions well, Sam leaned into his touch. He even slung his own arms around the angel, seeking the closeness to him.
Castiel sighed. He couldn't do this. Maybe Gabriel was right and there was another way. He was ashamed by his own intentions.
Letting go of Sam, he stood up and ruffled the child's hair affectionately. The boy wiped a hand over his face and smiled up to him. Smiling back, Castiel said: "Listen, Sam. There is one thing I never want you to forget, alright?" A hesitant nod. "Never loose faith. Your faith is what will get you through, so do not ever let go of that. Do you understand what I am asking of you?"
"Yes Sir... I won't, I promise." He was satisfied with that answer. The child would be fine, he was sure of that. Of course, his childhood would still be anything but perfect and the relationship to his father would still get worse and worse over the years. He would still break with his family and go to College, succumb to the demon blood in about twenty years and end up hating himself. But if he turned out he way he already was, maybe everything would be fine in the end.
For the first time since weeks, Castiel felt Hope. He trusted into his brother and into the Winchesters, just as he trusted himself again. If a child thought that he would be able to help his father and brother get over the death of his mother, then he could try to stop the apocalypse and believe in a good outcome.
"Alright, Samuel... I have to leave you now, but you will be okay. One day, I promise you.", of course, he knew that the day wouldn't come any time soon but why not give him some hope as well? He was rewarded with a wide smile. "Thank you, mister."
Just then, they both heard yelling, coming from the church. Castiel knew that it was Jim Murphy, who must have noticed the missing child by now. He sounded worried, probably regretting now that he left him with a stranger in a trench coat.
Sam had turned around, trying to see who was calling for him. He saw Pastor Jim getting out of the church and walking towards him, looking worried sick and a bit mad, but also relieved. When he reached Sam, he hugged him fiercely.
"Do you have any idea how worried I was when you weren't in the church, Sammy?", he drew back, looking the boy in the eyes. Shaking hims slightly, he said: "Didn't I tell you to stay in the church? No wandering off, remember?"
Sam nodded, feeling a bit guilty. "But I was with the man the whole time, I swear. He said he wanted to show me something..."
Now Jim looked really shocked. "What man, Sam? You don't go with strangers!"
Confused, Sam answered: "The man in the coat, you asked him to look out for me. He is standing right... "
Sam stopped when he turned around. Where, seconds ago, Castiel had stood, was now nothing. He was gone. And Sam had no idea where he went. He turned back to the pastor, who looked at him like he was out of his mind. Apparently, he couldn't remember any men in a coat ever sitting in the church.
But Sam remembered, and he swore himself to hold on to what the man had said. He wouldn't loose faith, he had promised.
-
Over the years, Sam did forget the man in the trench coat. But his words were stuck in his head, even now.
Hold on to your faith.
Because even if every angel they met was nothing more than another douche bag, and even if there was no God he could still believe in, he would never lose faith.
Faith, not in some celestial being, not even in himself, but the one thing he could always trust. His brother. His relationship with Dean might be stressed and maybe even broken in a few places, but he would never truly stop believing in his brother and his family, because they were what kept him going.
He would, and he needed to, hold on to this.
.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.
Castiel returned to the field, which was now set in darkness. Gabriel was still there, sitting on the hard ground, waiting for him to return. The archangel looked up when he sensed his brother.
Troubled, he asked: "So? What did you do?"
Castiel sat down beside him. For a moment, he didn't say anything. "I couldn't do it," he finally said, looking at his brother now. He chuckled humorlessly. "I just couldn't. He told me about his father, his brother... that he felt guilty for what happened to his mother. He was only six years old, Gabriel."
Gabriel nodded. "Kids can do that to you, Cas. So, everything's okay now between you and him?"
Castiel thought for a while. Then he said: "Yes, I think so. They will be fine, Gabriel. Eventually, they will be fine. As long as they have each other, I guess."