Wynne will give your Warden the talk about Zevran based on his approval, even in the case they haven't invited him to your tent yet. How is that fair? Let someone else suffer, for once. :D
Big thanks to Brelaina, for beta-reading this.
Night Games
Something was wrong. Ever since this morning, Airam was very cold with him, answering him with one or two syllables and throwing curious looks at him whenever he thought Zevran wasn't looking. But everything was fine yesterday evening; what could have went wrong during the night? Tried as hard as he could, he couldn't find the reason and decided to ask the boy about it the first thing when they set camp. If he did something wrong, he at least had the right to know what it was, yes?
But Airam beat him to it. "Zev? I – uh – do you have a moment, please?"
He blinked, surprised – not as much by the words than by how embarrassed the boy seemed to be, blushing and avoiding his gaze.
"Please, go on. I have something to ask you too, in fact."
"Yes… but not here." Airam looked around nervously. "Let's go in my tent."
"Oh? And what is it you cannot discuss in public? Or did you decide to use my offer from three days ago?"
Airam just rolled his eyes. "Of course not. But… it is related to it, in a way. Probably. I hope not?"
He stared at the boy, not knowing what to make of this. What did the crazy kid mean? Three days ago he offered him 'an Antivan massage', which earned him a slap and an angry warning not to 'offer himself' like that ever again. You're not a slave any more, so get used to it finally, was what Airam said. It was both nice to know the boy thought so much of him and frustrating (because he really wanted it, for quite some time now)… So what the boy said now didn't make any sense at all.
"I'm listening," he said when the tent's flap closed behind them. Airam blushed even more.
"Well, I… ah, I realise this is not really any business of mine, and I know I don't have any right to ask, I mean I refused you and I will understand if you don't want to answer it…"
"Air. Whatever it is, just ask it."
"Um, yes… I… will. Ask it now, I mean." He raised his brows and Airam laughed nervously.
"I'm blabbering like an idiot. Sorry. Well, the thing is, Wynne talked to me this morning, and, she asked me… she asked if we could be quieter next time."
"I still don't get it."
"Well, obviously she heard someone… ah, you know… doing that… and for some reason presumed it was us. But – well I know it wasn't me, for one, and I wanted to – as I said, I know it's none of my business, I don't want to pry, but – but I thought –"
He wasn't sure what to think about it. On one hand, it was bit disappointing that Airam thought he would just go to someone else, but on the other hand, it was nice to know the boy cared – and was even jealous, as it seemed.
"I assure you, my lovely Warden, that you are the only man in my life. Whomever Wynne heard, it wasn't me."
"Oh, that's good – I mean I didn't – that's not what –" Airam blushed again, but looked unmistakeably relieved.
"We could still make it true, if you wish," he said with a sly wink, but Airam brushed it aside.
"But Zev. Think about it. If she heard men – and if it was neither of us – who did she hear?"
"Well, besides us, there is Alistair, Sten, and Oghren… well now. This sounds interesting, no? Now I really need to know."
"There are also Bodahn and Sandal… but I think we can rule out Sandal, I don't think any of our friends are sick like that."
"I agree… so we have four candidates… hm…"
"I think we can rule out Sten as well. You know what his answer would be."
"What do you mean?"
"No. It would be against the Qun." Airam's imitation of Sten's booming voice was so convincing it took some time to stop laughing.
"And Alistair as well," continued Airam. "I'm sure just thinking about something like that would cause him a lifelong twitch."
"But then we could also rule out Oghren, because he is always so… manly, no? And Bodahn because he is too decent… And we would be at the beginning again."
"True," sighed Airam. "But I just can't imagine any of them… doing that, you know. Can you?"
"Ah, silent water runs deep, yes? I wouldn't rule out any of them yet. But there is another thing – if, whoever it was, was so loud, how come we didn't hear it?"
"Well, I took a double dose of sleeping potions," admitted the boy unwillingly. "I probably wouldn't have heard it if the Archdemon himself roared in my ear."
"You know you shouldn't do that. It is dangerous to take that much of the stuff. Wynne said an overdose could cause a coma."
"Yes, I know, Zev, don't worry and besides, that's not a point here, right? The point is I couldn't hear anything last night. You, however, I have to wonder. How come that you, such a great assassin, didn't hear it?"
"I have to wonder, as well… it could mean that they were loud enough for Wynne to hear, but not enough to wake up the whole camp."
"That would mean they were in the tent next to Wynne's one? Hm… that's Oghren to the left and Sten to the right."
"See? I told you we cannot rule Sten out yet."
"All right, then. Now I really want to know. You?"
"Most certainly. I'm game." He grinned. This was looking to be too much fun to let it pass.
"This will be our own private mission. Top priority and strictly confidential. By tomorrow evening, we will know who it was."
oOo
It wasn't that simple, however.
They decided to try talking first. Airam was to try to find out something from Sten and Bodahn, he was assigned Ogren and Alistair. He decided to wait till the dwarf had enough time to get properly inebriated; he figured it would be easier to talk about such sensitive issues with him then. Lower risk that he would get cut in two by Oghren's axe.
Besides, the more he thought about it the more certain he was that it couldn't be Alistair. He couldn't imagine the innocent Chantry boy suddenly able to lie and be subtle like that. Alistair was too honest for that; if he really was one of the mysterious couple, he would be red like beet all the time, avoiding any contact with the other one, and constantly looking around to see if anyone noticed.
Still, he was not going to miss such marvellous opportunity to torment his favourite victim.
Alistair had the first watch that evening, so it was easy to pretend he wanted to clean his daggers before going to bed. He waited till everyone else was gone; then he went sit down next to his unsuspecting victim.
"So, my dear friend, I have been thinking…"
"Wow, really? I hope it didn't hurt."
Predictable, but he chuckled anyway. "Surprising as it might be, it didn't. Not much, at least. Anyway. What I was trying to say is, I have been thinking about you. Or, more precisely, about one of the little conversations you had with our fearless leader that I happened to overhear. Quite accidentally, of course."
"Of course. Who could ever doubt that."
"Do you not want to know which one?"
"Not really. But you are going to tell me anyway, aren't you. So that doesn't really matter."
Oh-ho. Look how confident the Chantry boy became. Perhaps he should tease him more often? "The one about lamppost licking."
Ah. Now this was what he wanted to see – this apparent embarrassment and nice shade of crimson. He didn't bother to hide his satisfied grin.
"You heard that?"
"Quite accidentally, as I said. Now then. I was wondering. It has been some time since that little talk, yes? I have been wondering… here we to have winter again… I am sure by this time you had plenty opportunities to- "
Alistair snorted in disgust. "I'm not licking any lampposts, Zevran. Not literally and definitively not figuratively."
"Oh, I see. You prefer having it licked, yes?"
"Eww. That's just sick."
"There's nothing sick about sex, Alistair. On the contrary, it is very healthy. If you do it regularly –"
"Look, Zevran, I know for you whole world is just about sex. But thanks the Maker, not everyone is like that. There are people who know some things are more important."
"More important than sex? You cannot be serious! What things would those be, hm?"
"Love, for example."
"You mean you will not have sex with the girl you love? I pity her. When she gets fed up with you send her to me, yes?"
"Maker, you can really twist anything, can't you? I didn't mean that at all! I meant it is important to love the person with whom you want to have sex! Damn, I can't believe I am having this conversation with you."
"Why? It is most enlightening for me. So tell me, does it mean if you fell in love you would have sex with that person immediately? Even here, in camp?"
"What? No, of course not! We would have to be married first."
"Ah. I see. But what if it was someone you can't marry? A man, for example?"
"Ugh. No. Of course not. I could never… with a man."
"But why not? If you were in love?"
"Because it's sick. And disgusting. And it's impossible, anyway."
If Alistair got redder, his head would start burning. Time for the killing strike.
"Impossible? I am afraid I don't understand what you mean. Care to explain it to me?"
"Well because men… they don't…. have… I, ugh. I need to – go away for a moment. Nature's call. And you – you should go to sleep. In your tent. Alone, I mean."
Watching Alistair running away in panic, he had to congratulate himself for a work well done. Now then. This proved that the poor Chantry boy was still as innocent as ever… Or the best liar in whole of Thedas.
A loud belch and a stench of rotten fish, stale ale and vomit announced that Oghren was coming his way.
"Ah, my dear smelly friend. Cannot sleep?"
"Nah. Had to puke. Must be that –"
"Definitely. No need to go into details, yes?"
Oghren belched again. "I saw the little pike twirler a moment ago and he doesn't look good. What did you do to him, eh?"
"Why would I do anything to him? We were just having a friendly conversation about the matters of love."
"With you? Heheheh. I can imagine that. Tried to get into his pants, did ya? "
"Your suspicion wounds me so. But you know, you speak of it quite often – is it possible that you want me in your pants? If so, it is enough to say so." He leaned closer, trying to suppress the cramps in his stomach from the stench.
Oghren just farted. "Ass is for shitting. Only elves use it for that. So keep your pants where I can see them."
"Ah, how I love these random racist remarks. You know, I've got a theory about that. They show the inner insecurity of the person who said them in the concerned matter. In this case, it shows your inner insecurity about –"
"Yeah. Finish that and I might shove something up your ass, but you ain't gonna like it." With a final burp, Oghren staggered back to his tent.
He stayed by the fire for a while, but then he noticed Alistair was standing nearby, eagerly waiting till he was gone. For a little moment he was tempted to stay and see how long till cold broke that resolution, but then he decided to be merciful. The poor guy had enough for one evening. Chuckling, he picked up his daggers and retreated to his tent.
oOo
The next morning Airam sat next to him during breakfast. "So? Found anything?"
"Only that it is very unlikely that it is either of them."
"Same here." Airam was clearly disappointed. "So we're at the beginning again. By the Qun, sex is only allowed for 'producing a child'. Sten's exact words, those. As that is not possible with two men… And we can rule out Bodahn. Sandal is bit ill and he wouldn't leave him alone during the night."
"So… what shall we do now? It seems two of our friends are much better liars than we thought?"
"You don't want to give up, do you?"
"Of course not. It just got more interesting, no? Perhaps we should start watching those three more closely. There must be some sign, however minor…"
"All right, Zev, you do that. I never had – I will talk to the others, instead. Especially to Wynne…"
Spying on other turned out much more boring than he would have expected. Alistair spent the day mostly with Leliana and Morrigan; the only thing he said to Sten was "Watch out, behind you!" when some stupid bandits attacked them. Oghren was almost all the time alone, drinking, farting and belching; the only one who could stand his company more than five minutes was Shale. Probably because she was made of stone and couldn't smell the stench, he thought. Sten was having long philosophical dispute with Wynne – that is, Wynne was talking while Sten occasionally said a word or two.
Airam didn't find out anything interesting, either. Nobody seemed to notice anything strange, and Wynne even thanked him for "keeping the noise down". Apparently there was no action any more.
It could be that whoever it was had realised that they were on the trail and decided to lay low for a while. Or it could be – but he decided not to share that particular suspicion with Airam – that Wynne dreamed the whole thing.
"Any other ideas?" Asked Airam desperately.
"We will continue tomorrow and we will see. They can't hide forever, yes?"
oOo
But it almost seemed they could. Three more days passed and nothing happened. There were no small signs of affection, no secretive looks, no nothing. On the fourth day they had to fight a large group of darkspawn. They were all tired and battered and for a moment, he forgot all about their little plot.
Until he noticed Sten and Oghren together. He moved closer to listen.
"So you will come?" Asked Sten.
"Heheh. Don't worry, ol' pal Oghren will mend you," snorted the dwarf.
His eyes widened in shock. Sten… with Oghren? Is that even physically possible? Looking around camp, he saw Airam laughing on something with Alistair. He quickly went over to them and patted the boy on the shoulder.
"If you have a moment – I need to talk to you."
They both looked up at him. "Zevran? What's wrong with you? You look like you saw a ghost," said Alistair, worried.
Airam's eyes lit up in sudden realisation. "Oh! Of course. Sorry, Al. Urgent business."
Alistair narrowed his eyes. "This sounds rather suspicious, you know. What are you two up to?"
"Take over whole Thedas," snapped Air. "Let's go, Zev."
He chuckled at Alistair's dumbfound look. And just wait when they reveal that to everyone tomorrow morning. Oh, this should be good.
oOo
Once Airam overcame the shock of the revelation, they made a plan.
Sten had a free night, while Oghren had the first watch, as always when it was his turn – for it was not likely he'd be sober enough later. So it seemed very likely that Oghren would go to the Sten's tent immediately after that.
All it would take was for Airam to swap his watch with Leliana, who was supposed to take over after the dwarf. A bit later – so that it wouldn't look suspicious – he would join Airam, as well. They would wait till they heard the noises from the Sten's tent and then they would sneak up on the two and catch them while they were at it.
Piece of cake. What could possibly go wrong?
Everything went as they planned. Leliana and Alistair were both bit suspicious during dinner, but they both acted as usual. He was very proud of Airam, in fact – he knew the crazy must be burning with impatience, but he managed to keep a calm façade almost like a professional.
After dinner, they retreated to their tents to wait. It was times like this that he envied Airam's hobby of reading books. It turned waiting into a pleasant activity, without the nervousness of thinking of how much time had passed already or if they would be successful or not. He even tried to borrow a book from the crazy kid, but it didn't work for him. Perhaps if it wasn't a history of the Free Marches, but one of those dirty Orlaisian novels… So instead of reading, he passed his time mixing some of the simpler poisons of which he was running out of.
Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, he heard soft steps outside his tent and Airam's muffled voice calling him.
He quickly got out. Airam was very nervous; if he could get any paler, he would. "They – are on it already," he said.
And it was true – the moans and groans coming from Sten's tent were not very loud, but they could not be mistaken for anything else.
"Zev? You think – should we really – perhaps we should leave them be?"
He raised his eyebrows. "If you really wish, we can stop now. But will you not regret it later?"
"I – yes. Probably." Airam laughed, hesitantly.
"I will look first, if you wish," he offered. "And if it's something too… embarrassing for your innocent eyes, I will warn you."
Ah. The crazy kid didn't like that, just as he expected.
"There's no need to treat me like a little kid, Zevran," he snapped a bit stiffly. "I will go first. Now. Let's not waste more time."
They sneaked to the Sten's tent. Zevran cut a small hole in one side. Then he stepped aside, letting Airam have a peek first. He regretted it almost immediately, when the boy clapped his hands over his mouth to suppress a cry, eyes widening and shaking violently. He dragged him back to the fire.
"Airam, are you all right?" he whispered, so angry he would kick himself. "I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have talked you into this…"
The crazy kid just shook his head. "I'm – fine. Go – see," he gasped, trying hard to suppress – laughing?
Confused, he returned to the tent and peeked through the hole. Sten was laying on the bedroll, only in his smalls. Oghren was kneeling next to him, spreading oil over his hands. What was so funny about that? But then Oghren put his palms on the qunari's shoulders, and started to perform a series of strokes. Sten groaned in response, and turned his head a little – the look on his face was pure bliss.
Wait. So – there was no sex at all? All they were doing was this? A massage? He looked back at Airam, who immediately started silently chuckling again.
"I do not understand. Why such secrecy about a massage?" He asked when he returned to the boy.
"There – was no secrecy," Airam explained, trying to control himself. "Think – it's after a battle – and then, too. But it sounded – and Wynne –" he started chuckling again.
"Did exactly the same thing we did," he added, chuckling. "Jumped to the wrong conclusion without checking the facts. So what now?"
"I had to suffer half an hour of Wynne's preaching over that massage… I demand satisfaction." Airam's eyes sparkled with mischief. "Just wait till tomorrow."
oOo
In the morning, Airam went straight to Wynne, giving him a small wink as he passed by.
"Good morning, Gran! What a lovely morning we have. Did you have a good night?" He asked cheerfully and loud enough for everyone to hear.
"Why are you asking when you know it was not good? I really thought you would have more sympathy with an older person asking you to – reduce the noise a bit…"
"But, Gran. I didn't make any noise. Me and Zev – there's nothing between us, honestly."
"Don't lie to me, child."
"It's true. Isn't it true, Zev? See, he's nodding. I didn't tell you last time, because I wanted to know who it was first. And today I can tell you."
Airam made short dramatic pause, well aware that everyone was watching them by now.
"Those that disturb your nights with all that moaning and groaning are – Sten and Oghren."
If a darkspawn danced into camp in pink lacy dress, it wouldn't have caused a bigger commotion. Leliana thought it was very romantic, a love that oversteps the boundaries of a race and culture; Morrigan was sure Sten was insane and Alistair was plain disgusted. Airam was standing in the middle of it all, with a very satisfied grin on his face.
Oghren was too drunk to care, but Sten tried to protest. "It is not true," he said calmly.
"Now, now, Sten. Isn't lying against the Qun? So tell us. Was Oghren in your tent last night or not?"
"Yes."
"And you were not wearing your clothes."
"That is only partially true."
"And Oghren put oil on his hand and then – did things to you – and you liked it so much you were moaning in pleasure?"
"Yes. But –"
"I am very disappointed in you, Sten," said Wynne and she sounded very disappointed, too.
"Kadan. You know –"
But the crazy kid didn't let him finish. "Yes, I do. I found out last night."
"Sten. Perhaps we should have a talk," said Wynne in a very cold voice.
"Yes, I also think you should. I think it would do him much good." The crazy kid was beaming with satisfaction.
"Kadan."
"And take all the time you need. Don't worry, I'll pack your things, and we'll leave breakfast for you…"
"Kadan!"
Sten's voice was almost desperate now, accusing and pleading at the same time – but it didn't move their leader in the slightest.
"That was bit too cruel, no?" He asked, as he helped the crazy kid pack Sten's tent. "The poor sod was so desperate…"
Airam raised his brows. "Perhaps you would like to replace him? I'm sure Wynne would have a lot to say about cutting holes into tents in order to spy on their sex life… And even corrupting an innocent kid like me to do it…"
He laughed. "I give up. You would really do that, wouldn't you…"
"Well it's you who keeps calling me a 'crazy kid'. I'm just trying to live up to my name."
"Yes, well, you don't have to try so hard all the time," he said, chuckling.
The boy looked at him and smiled. "But you love it."
And what could he say to that? It was true, after all…