The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters has gone out to dinner. Just more madness from my tiny mad little mind.
My Dinner with Archer
"Isn't this nice?" Archer asked as he and Lana sat down at a nice restaurant. "Just the two of us going out to eat alone. Without the Idiot Brigade following us."
"I guess," Lana sighed. She was wearing her nice black dress with the pearls. "We really haven't gone out to eat alone in a long time. And every time we do…"
"We run into the idiots," Archer said. He was wearing a nice gray suit. "Or worse, my mother."
"Speaking of which maybe I should call and check on AJ?" Lana frowned.
"AJ is fine," Archer waved. "She's with Ron. Now let's just relax and have a good night."
"Okay," Lana sighed. "Archer I really do appreciate this. It's just…"
"Good evening," A lovely brown haired waitress walked up to them. "Welcome to the Golden Pelican. I'm Ashley and I'll be your…" She then did a double take. "Son of a bitch!"
"I was going to guess you would be our waitress," Archer quipped. "Guess I was way off."
"Randy?" Ashley looked at Archer. "Randy Archer?"
"Uhhhh…" Archer blinked. "Nope."
"Randy Archer from Pango Pango?" Ashley asked. "It is you! I'd recognize those gorgeous blue eyes anywhere. And that voice…"
"What about my voice?" Archer instinctively tried to speak in a higher pitch. He sounded rather squeaky.
"Oh Randy!" Ashley leapt onto Archer's lap. "Let's pick up where we left off! I know a place that makes really good whipped cream!"
"HEY!" Lana barked. "Hands off bitch!"
"Who are you?" Ashley snapped.
"Ashley this is Lana," Archer gulped.
"Who is?" Ashley asked.
"Tell her Archer," Lana growled.
"My girlfriend," Archer winced.
"Girlfriend or 'girlfriend'?" Ashley made quotes her hands.
"Actual girlfriend!" Lana snapped.
"Ashley no! Down girl!" The Maître D came up and grabbed Ashley. "Down girl!"
"But I just wanted to lick him!" Ashley pouted.
"Ashley we've talked about this," The Maître D' told her. "This little habit you have of throwing yourself to men with black hair and blue eyes?"
"But this is him! Randy!" Ashley protested. "Randy Archer!"
"The Randy Archer?" The Maître D' raised an eyebrow. "Wonderful…So this is the man that ruined you for all other men?"
"Well I don't want to brag," Archer shrugged.
"Could we get another waitress please?" Lana asked.
"If this is the Randy Archer that might not be a bad idea," The Maître D' sniffed. "Come along Ashley…"
"But Gilbert…" Ashley whined as she was led away. "Call me!"
"One of your little friends?" Lana glared at Archer.
"Obviously I'm not going to call her," Archer told Lana. "Don't even have her number so moot point."
"Here's my number," Ashely sauntered over and dropped a napkin in front of him. "Call me!" She sashayed away.
Archer laughed nervously. "Still don't remember her. Don't know why I slept with her. If I did."
"I dunno," Lana glared at Archer. "She seems like your type. Breathing!"
"Oh come on," Archer said. "We weren't even together back then! I was grief banging just to get over Katya's death. But then she came back to life as a cyborg so I admit in hindsight that was a little short sighted."
"A little?" Lana glared at him.
"Lana I don't even remember that woman," Archer protested. "Honest! Half the time I was there I was drunk out of my mind."
"Only half the time?" Lana asked. "That's a step up for you."
"Oh ha, ha..." Archer rolled his eyes.
"Wait I thought that island was called Papuni or...?" Lana began.
"Eh depends on what country you're in," Archer said. "Like some people call Great Britain, England? Technically the island's full name is Papuni Pango Pango but..."
"What does that mean in English?" Lana asked. "Whore Island?"
"Let's talk about something else," Archer said. "Lana you were about to say something…?"
"Yes, I was…" Lana let out a breath. "Archer…"
"Well, well, well…" Another brown haired woman came up to them. "If it isn't the infamous Randy the Bartender from Pango Pango."
"Actually I…" Archer did a double take. "Wait do I know you?"
"You should after we spent a weekend in a hot tub on a yacht which turns out wasn't yours," The waitress glared at him. "I'm Francine by the way. I know you get confused but still…"
"Right…" Archer winced. "Sorry for ditching you back there…Didn't mean to let you get arrested."
"Oh water under the bridge," Francine said. "The guy dropped the charges, yada yada yada…We got married a few weeks later."
"Hey! Mazeltov!" Archer said cheerfully.
"Still pissed about the case of the Archers you gave me," Francine glared at him. "And my husband. Through me obviously…"
"Ooh," Archer winced. "He's not here is he?"
"No, he died due to a reaction to some experimental drug he tried to treat our venereal disease with," Francine said. "On the plus side he was rich and I got all his money."
"So it all worked out?" Archer asked.
"If you don't count the excruciating pain my groin went through yes!" Francine snapped. "Just wanted to give your date the head's up! Watch out!"
"Too late," Lana sighed. Francine stormed away. Lana glared at Archer.
"Again, grief banging," Archer winced.
"Archer…" Lana began.
"Lana I swear I don't remember a lot of Pango Pango!" Archer protested. "It all meant nothing to me!"
"This is what I wanted to talk to you about," Lana glared at him. "Archer…"
"Hello…" Another waitress with red hair walked up to the table. "I don't believe it! No wonder Ashley went nuts again! YOU!"
"Me…Uh…" Archer blinked. "Cheryl isn't it?"
"It's Carol," The waitress glared at him.
"Right," Archer said. "Don't know why I was thinking Cheryl."
"You son of a bitch," Carol snarled. "You have a lot of nerve coming here after what you did in Pango Pango! Dumping me for Ashley? Seriously!"
"Still don't remember her," Archer blinked. "You yeah but…."
"But nothing you asshole!" Carol snarled. "I should kick your ass after how you treated me…"
"Not during the dinner hour!" Gilbert stormed up to her.
"Fine! I'll wait in the parking lot," Carol grumbled.
"I'll get you another waitress," Gilbert gave Archer a look as he led Carol away.
"Her you remember?" Lana asked. "Even if you did get her name confused?"
"To be fair it's pretty hard to forget someone who is that good at snorkeling," Archer said.
"Why would snorkeling…?" Lana began. "Forget it! I don't want to know!"
"Okay Lana you know about my past…" Archer said. "But I'm working on it. I've changed."
"Not that much," Lana folded her arms. "Which is ironically what I wanted to talk to you about."
"What do you mean?" Archer asked. "I haven't cheated on you since we started dating again!"
"Two words," Lana glared at him. "Veronica Deane!"
"Oh come on!" Archer snapped. "She came onto me!"
"I still find that hard to believe," Lana said.
"Lana it's the truth so help me…" Archer began.
"And what would you know about the truth?" Another blonde waitress stormed up to their table. "Mr. I'll Call You Later? Spoiler Alert! You never did!"
"Pango Pango?" Archer asked.
"Pango, Freaking Pango," The blonde waitress growled.
"Gilbert!" Lana called out. "We're gonna need another waitress!"
"You don't want to talk now?" The waitress snarled. "Fine! I'll just wait with Carol in the parking lot!" She stormed away.
"Gilbert!" Archer called out. "Do you have any waiters in this restaurant? Any dudes? Seriously?"
"Seriously?" Lana gave him a look. "And you wonder why I worry about you cheating on me again?"
Archer let out an exasperated breath. "And Gilbert! Gonna need some drinks here real soon! Like right now! Scotch! A whole big ass bottle of it!"
"Damn right," Lana glared at him.
Archer let out another breath. "Lana…I get that in the context of this dinner…Which has turned into a copy of one of Carol Burnett's comedy sketches…And that one scene on the Golden Girls. God wasn't Golden Girls the best?"
"Archer…" Lana's tone warned him now was not the time for one of his tangents.
"I get that tonight has you a little worried," Archer said. "Honestly I'm a little worried too. That Carol had a pretty decent right hook if memory serves me correctly."
"Archer…" A blonde woman in a white dress stormed up to him. "I knew I saw you as you walked past the bar!"
"Hey…." Archer grimaced. "You…"
"It's Christine!" The woman snapped. "Remember? The woman who you convinced to ditch her own mother's funeral for a weekend in Bora Bora?"
"Oh right…" Archer winced. "That Christine…"
"Who you also ditched in Bora Bora," Christine snarled. "With the hotel bill. And a case of the crabs to this day…"
"Okay good talking to you," Archer winced. "But as you can see I'm with someone else now…"
"Oh I'm leaving all right," Christine told him. "I just wanted to tell you this!"
She took a glass of water and poured it on Archer's head. "That's for Bora Bora you bastard!" She snapped.
"As for you honey," Christine sniffed at Lana. "Good luck You're gonna need it!" She flounced away.
"Again a long…Long time ago," Archer winced. "At least it wasn't Pango Pango."
A waiter walked up with a bottle of scotch. "Finally!" Archer groaned not even bothering to dry himself. "God I need a drink. So pour me that bottle now!"
"Gladly Sir," The waiter said calmly as he opened the bottle. First he poured a glass for Lana. Then he poured the remainder of scotch on Archer's head.
"AAKKGH!" Archer gasped. "Are you kidding me?"
"Don't worry about the scotch, sir," The waiter smirked. "It's on the house."
"Who did he sleep with that you knew?" Lana asked with a sigh.
"My ex-wife," The waiter said. "On our honeymoon!"
"Dude if you were playing golf or anything like that…" Archer snapped.
"I WAS IN THE DAMN SHOWER!" The waiter shouted.
"Well now I'm going to need a shower and a cleaner's for my expensive suit!" Archer snapped.
"I knew this was going to be one of those nights," Lana sighed and downed her drink in one gulp.
The waiter merely shrugged and walked away. "Hey! Hey! I am talking to you! Can you believe this?" Archer shouted.
"Honestly…?" Lana gave him a look. "Even with your track record…"
"I meant that the service in this restaurant…" Archer sputtered. "And I am using that term loosely… leaves a lot to be desired!"
"I don't know," Lana remarked. "It seems like you didn't have any problem with some of the staff serving you earlier."
"That's it! I want to see the manager or the owner right now!" Archer snapped. "I will not be disrespected by the help!"
"Archer!" Lana hissed. "Calm down!"
"No, I will not calm down!" Archer shot up. "Look at me! My suit is ruined! I haven't had a drink all night! And on top of it all I've been humiliated by waitresses and a waiter! I am not going to take this!"
"Archer, sit down and shut up!" Lana hissed. "People are looking at us!"
"LET 'EM LOOK!" Archer bellowed. "In fact, take a picture! It will last longer!"
Of course several people took out their cell phones. "Nice! Thanks a lot, assholes!" Archer snapped. "I want to see the manager or owner of this dump and I want to see him now!"
"Archer you're embarrassing me!" Lana snapped.
"Oh I'm embarrassing you?" Archer kept shouting. "Never mind how I've been embarrassed, thrown scotch and water on, and pretty much gotten lousy service! SERIOUSLY! WOULD IT HAVE KILLED YOU PEOPLE TO GIVE ME A DRINK BEFORE HARRASING ME?"
"Archer if you don't shut up right now…" Lana hissed. "I will kill you!"
"No, I won't!" Archer shouted. "So come on out whoever is in charge of this dump! So I can berate you until your ears bleed!"
"Starting to wish that the other idiots were here," Lana groaned. "If only to spread the blame around…On second thought, no I don't."
"I swear to god if I don't get the manager, there will be hell to pay!" Archer shouted.
"Oh there's Hell to pay all right!" A tall statuesque African American woman with short black hair, a tight red dress and big gold earrings stormed up to them.
At the sight of her Archer paled.
"Oh God no…" Archer winced. "Oh God…"
"Another friend of yours?" Lana glared at Archer.
"Hello…Randy," The woman growled.
"Hello Rhonda…" Archer winced. "Long time no see…"
"Not long enough," Rhonda growled.
"Is this the same Rhonda that wrote that review on Vacation Guru?" Lana remembered something.
"Yup," Archer winced.
"Of all the restaurants your dumb pasty ass could have sat in," Rhonda growled. "You had to come to mine."
Lana asked. "Was Pango Pango a company retreat or something?"
"Yeah something like that," Rhonda looked at Lana. "Is your name by any chance Lana?"
"How did you know that?" Lana asked.
"Let's just say this one called out your name during some very inopportune moments," Rhonda pointed at Archer.
"Well you can see I was right!" Archer protested. "It was an easy mistake to make!"
"You know I'm going to have to kick his ass right?" Rhonda asked Lana.
"Just let me get out of the line of fire," Lana sighed. "Is it safe to assume that we're banned from this restaurant?"
"Just him mostly," Rhonda asked. "If you want to come by yourself that's completely different."
"That would be nice to have a place away from Archer," Lana admitted.
"What…?" Archer stammered as Lana got out of the way. "You're not going to help me? You're just going to let her…?"
"Yuuupp," Lana said.
"Okay Rhonda…" Archer sighed as Rhonda advanced on him. "Look I'm sorry about that thing with the ice cream, the goat and your new nightgown. And in hindsight maybe sneaking out of that bar and leaving you with the bill wasn't exactly…"
POW!
"Oooh! That's gotta hurt," Lana winced.
Ten minutes later…
"Thanks a lot Lana!" Archer grumbled as he sat in the passenger seat of Lana's car. He had a huge black eye.
"How is this my fault?" Lana snapped as she drove out of the parking lot. "You're the one who picked the damn restaurant in the first place! Besides it was nice seeing Rhonda beat your ass."
"Well obviously I could have taken her out Lana," Archer snapped. "But there were too many witnesses and I didn't want to be seen as some kind of guy who abuses women!"
"Really?" Lana asked. "You don't think people already got that kind of impression back there?"
"Listen I…." Archer began.
WHAM!
"TAKE ME WITH YOU!" Ashley screamed as she jumped on the hood of the car. "TAKE ME WITH YOU!"
"DRIVE! DRIVE!" Archer screamed.
Lana sped up and Ashley fell off the car.
WHUMP!
"I'm okay!" Ashley was heard shouting. "So is that a yes or a no?"
"Okay now I remember her," Archer groaned as they drove away.
"I'm remembering why I broke up with you in the first place!" Lana glared at Archer.