Is something wrong
She said
Of course, there is
You're still alive
She said
Oh, do I deserve to be?
And is that the question? Oh
And if so, if so
Who answers?
Who answers? Alive by Pearl Jam
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The house was just far away from the Kingdom to make her feel safe. Safe from what she didn't know, because in this world you weren't safe from anything. At least if she was alone, she was safe from caring and feelings. Safe from having to do the things she didn't want to do, for people she cared about.
It was better to be closed off from everyone than to have to kill again.
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Morgan and Ezekiel checked on her frequently and brought supplies when they had them, and sometimes she went to the kingdom and spent time with them. She was alone, but not really alone, and it worked. Carol needed this solitude, this time to think and process what she had been through in the past few months.
Three weeks went by before she knew it, and she lived her life of solitude. This was her choice now. This was the way it had to be.
When the knock on the door came that day, she had assumed it was Morgan, but when she looked out the peep hole it wasn't. It was Daryl, and he had been watching the house for days from the woods. He saw the men come and go and he saw her, sitting on the porch in the mornings and sometimes just before the sun went down at night.
She always had the gun slung over her shoulder and to him she looked like a beautiful warrior. He had figured out that she was living there alone, but that the two men were checking on her often. She looked healthy, but haunted and so was he.
She opened the door and hugged him, even as her better judgement whispered to her in the back of her mind that she didn't deserve his company now. She was happy to see him non the less and they hugged for a long time out on her porch.
He was still alive.
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"This is like a dream." He said as they sat together later on the porch. "Almost like it ain't the end of the world."
"Oh, but it is, and we can never forget that," Carol replied.
"You're just a buzz kill." He said knocking his shoulder into hers. Carol smiled at him, a beautiful, glorious smile and it was like they were back at the prison again, in that little bubble they had all created for themselves. She smiled often back then and most of her smiles had been for him, he knew.
But bubbles burst, and they both knew that all too well. They were silent for a while, both looking at the world around the tiny house. Both with questions for each other.
"Merle liked you," Daryl said suddenly, and Carol looked over at him, he never talked about Merle, and she was surprised. She waited for him to continue and he did after a while. "He said you reminded him of our Mom."
Carol looked out over the horizon and listened to him talk. He needed to talk about it and she would let him. She knew what keeping things bottled up did to a person all too well, and she didn't want that to happen to him.
"You don't remind me of her, though, you're too young, first of all, and you are so much stronger than she could ever be."
Carol smiled slightly at those words; she didn't feel strong at all; she felt weak and sad, just sad all the time.
"You miss him a lot don't you?" She asked, even though she knew the answer to that question.
"I do," Daryl replied. "He was the only blood I had in this world." He looked over at her and he knew she was thinking of her blood, that was gone too. Daryl touched her arm, to let her know he knew, without her even having to tell him. He knew what she was thinking.
"Did he ever tell you about our talk at the prison?" Carol asked, and Daryl nodded.
"He said you were a force to be reckoned with; a little spitfire was his exact words."
"I liked him, I really did." She said with a smile.
"He knew that," Daryl replied. "After he died, I didn't want to live for a while…"
"Understandable," She looked over at him and their eyes met, and he knew then that she didn't want to live, didn't feel worthy of life. "Do you still feel that way, sometimes?" She asked.
"Sometimes. But I'm still alive." He met her eyes. "And so are you."
"What if I don't want to be?" Carol whispered.
"What happened to you? After the prison? Whatever it was it changed you." Daryl said. "You've been different ever since."
"I can't talk about it."
"Alright." He said, lighting a cigarette. "But I'll listen, anytime if you want."
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"Wait." He said as they were sitting down to eat that night. Daryl got up and went outside, he returned in a few minutes with the flower that had been growing next to the house, sitting in a beer bottle he had found outside. He placed it on the table between them and she smiled, and then he smiled.
It was the biggest smile he had seen on her since the prison fell.
"There's a legend, about the Cherokee Rose." He started, and she allowed him to tell her again, even though they both knew he had told her before.
After he was finished, and they had eaten, as he told the story, Carol looked up at him with wet eyes. "I have to tell someone." She started.
"Tell me, tell me anything you want," Daryl replied.
"You won't want ever to see me again when I do."
Daryl stared at her for a beat. "Don't you know there isn't anything you could tell me that would make me feel that way."
"You don't know what it is yet, you don't know what I did."
"Whatever it is, I know you had to; I know you had no choice." She was silent, and so he continued. "We all went through shit, even before the turn." He said meeting her eyes. "Terrible things."
The ghosts of Ed and his father might have been in the room at that moment as both man's legacy's manifested themselves in the two people sitting at the table.
"You had to do it Carol, whatever it was." He said, not looking away from her eyes. There was a time when he couldn't look anyone in the eyes, even her. But that was a long time ago.
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They decided to go sit back outside on the porch and watch the sun go down together. They would talk out there and keep watch. Carol was still mulling things over in her head, preparing to say it out loud for the first time.
"I haven't seen another person out here, except Morgan and Ezekiel in weeks." Carol said.
"Ezekiel, the guy with the dreads?"
Carol nodded. "He leads the kingdom."
"The what?"
Carol grinned. "Yeah, I know, it's like…a L.A.R.P society, like a renaissance fair, right here in the middle of the apocalypse."
"I see why you didn't stay." He laughed.
"They're good people though." Carol replied. "Just, sheltered, naïve, they trade with the Saviors, just like the Hilltop. I doubt they have a choice."
"They don't, listen Carol I have to tell you something." She looked at him and she had never seen this look on his face. It was despair, and it was even worse than when they lost Beth. "Glenn is dead and its all my fault."
She let that sink in and she didn't cry. Carol didn't cry any more, for anyone, sometimes she felt like she had no tears left anymore.
"Oh my God, Daryl." She turned so that she could see him and he looked so haunted.
"That douche Negan had us all lined up, Me, Rick, Carl, Michhone, Tara, Maggie, everyone. He wanted to beat us, beat Rick into submission. He told us not to move, then he killed Abraham with the bat." Daryl said softly, his voice cracking with each painful word, and she could tell in his voice that he was reliving it in his head as he told her. She took his hand to offer him comfort, as he always tried to give her. "He said not to move and I punched him."
"Good for you." Carol said as if he was her hero. He was, and she would tell him that before she asked him to go.
"Carol." He croaked out not believing what she said. "If I hadn't fucked up and went off."
"He would have killed him anyway; you must know that." She said and reached for his hand. "You're my hero." She said and looked deep into his eyes. "Always have been and always will be."
Daryl looked at her as if he didn't believe his ears. Of course it was she who accepted him, no matter what. His shoulders sagged in relief, even though Rick and everyone had told him it wasn't his fault, hell even Maggie had said that. But he thought they were just trying to make him feel better.
He didn't want to feel better, but her words? Her words meant something to him.
"I killed Lizzie." She said suddenly and he saw tears in her eyes. "She killed Mika, and was waiting for her to turn and she was going to do it to Judith…" Her voice trailed off then and he was out of his seat and taking her into his arms.
"You did what you had to do, you protected Judith." He said as he ran his fingers through her hair and she started crying. He held her for a long time that night out on the porch, until all of her tears were cried and even then he didn't let her go.
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"I know what he did to you, knew right from the jump, he reminded me of my Daddy," Daryl said quietly. "My father beat me every single day, did it to Merle too."
"I figured as much." Carol sighed, unhappy to have her fears about his past life confirmed. She never wanted anyone to be abused, obviously, but to know it happened to him, as a child, it just made her heart ache. "You don't have to say anymore." Carol said as she reached for his hand again. They sat together holding hands for a long time that night.
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"Promise me, if anything happens you'll go there, to the kingdom, so I can find you. Please." Daryl said as they said goodbye the next morning. "I'll be back as soon as I can but I need to know that you'll be safe, if you don't want me to stay."
"I will, I promise. I'm not ready for you to stay, but I will be."
"You take all the time you need, I'll be back." He said, placing a sweet kiss on her lips and then he was gone.