Phanfic part 1
*Dan's P.O.V*
I was just done making a video and was trying to edit it. God I look so fat here or am I just fat. I hope that the phandom won't notice. I was trying my best to make myself look like a human creature, but I could still see every flaw. I was drowning in my thoughts when Phil came in my room and sat down beside me.
"Dan are you still editing" he said with a sigh.
"yeah why are you asking that you knew I was editing" I said because I didn't quite understand why Phil ask me such a question. He knew I was editing right?
"well…" Phil waited a few seconds and got on with talking. "you usually don't take this long editing you even missed dinner for the third day in a row, it is not like you to skip a meal." Phil sounded worried. Of course that was it fat Dan didn't show up for his favorite thing of the day, I thought sarcastically.
"what do you mean? I needed to make this video look good but it just won't work! And you don't need to " I snapped at Phil.
"I-I I'm sorry. I didn't mean to attack you or something." There was a short moment of silent again but this time it hurt. "I will leave you. Sorry-"he walked out of the room.
There I was all alone like always. Why did I do that, I was so mean to the person that is the only light in my dark mind, the only one who could save me…who helps me through every day. It is all my fault. WHY DO I ALWAYS FUCK UP?. I can't think anymore. These thoughts need to stop. How can this stop?
I started hyperventilating. I walked around my room, like I usually do when I feel like this. I was too tired to keep walking I sat down at my desk and saw my pencil sharpener. I remembered that I saw people who cut themselves with it on tumblr, would it really help? Everything is better than these thoughts and feelings. I grabbed my pencil sharpener and the screwdriver that I still had in my room because I needed it last week. I unscrewed the blade, I went to my bed and sat down. I looked at the blade, will it help?
I pushed it against my skin, it hurt. There was no blood so I tried again. I pushed harder and sliced it, my skin broke. First it didn't feel good but then I stopped thinking about everything. it hurt but that was all I could think about. My arm hurts that is where I thoughts about I don't have to worry about Phil liking me or not. I don't need to think about all my bullies I used to have and still. I don't need to think about my disgusting ugly self. I want to slice my arm again and I did and a third time, fourth time, fifth time and a sixth time.
I almost felt some self-pity for the hurt. You deserve this Daniel! You are nothing worth, you have no friend and the ones you got just fell pity for you. You are just so pathetic. Pathetic is my favorite word to describe myself.
I hided the blade in my drawer and stood up I need to clean my wounds, I walked to the kitchen where our first aids kit is. But I saw Phil instead.
"hi Dan… Dan why are you in such a hurry. What is wrong?" Dan hided his arm behind his back and hoped that he would not see his bleeding arm.
"uhm. It's nothing I was just… hungry." I said hoping Phil would buy it. Phil smiled friendly.
"I will put your food on you plate. I was about to throw your food away because I thought you would never come to get it" Phil turned around
"I am going to the bathroom" I slowly walked away. He almost saw, Phil almost saw how pathetic I was.