Pray for Me
Sequel to 'Breakaway'. Songfic set to Michael W. Smith's 'Pray For me'. I know it's a Christian song and there are a few references to God, but if you can get past that and catch the meaning of the song, perhaps you'll enjoy it anyway, even though that part of it isn't really appropriate. I heard it yesterday and it had exactly the feel of what I wanted to write.
Set one year after 'Breakaway'. Probably best to read that first, if you haven't already. :)
ooooooooooooooooo
Here is where the road divides, here is where we realize
The sculpting of the Father's great design
He'd tried. The gods themselves knew how hard he'd tried to forget her.
He'd stopped flying, though that was less a deliberate decision than a medical necessity. He'd given up playing triad - told himself it was because it was unbecoming for a Commander to be fraternizing with his crew like that. He'd stopped running - told himself it was because he wasn't able, and that had been true right after the shooting, but he'd never taken it up again. Said he was too busy, and that was true during the time the cylons returned, but he had no excuse for the intervening year. He'd gotten himself a girlfriend - at first someone to fill the painful hole she'd created when she pushed him away for another man. It had become long term, and he'd even married her, though he realized they had next to nothing in common. In the loneliness of space, next to nothing was better than nothing at all.
He hadn't forgotten though. A year later and she was still there - an unseen but very tangible presence. Sometimes he wondered if she was a ghost. He could feel her tsk's of disapproval as he skipped his morning jog yet again; hear her voice coming through the comms laughing as she pulled off yet another hair-raising stunt; feel her cold disapproval as he numbed the loss of her by frakking Dee till he was exhausted enough to sleep every night.
The paths they'd taken may have separated them physically, but they were still very much joined.
Through time you've been a friend to me but time is now the enemy
I wish we didn't have to say goodbye
She still remembered it like it was yesterday. The day she'd left Galactica, left the old man ... left Lee. Saying goodbye to him had been hardest of all. At the time she'd wished he'd taken it better but in retrospect she understood how hard it had been for him to let go.
She never had.
She'd moved to New Caprica with Sam. Learned to live the lifestyle forced upon the colonists - even married him when he'd asked, but she'd never forgotten Lee. He was branded to her more deeply than the marriage tattoo on her arm, not, knowing the past between them, that that should have come as a surprise to her.
She'd taken a different path, changed her life in so many ways, but there were things about her old life that just wouldn't let go and threatened to draw her back constantly. Lee was the first and foremost of those.
She'd heard he'd married Dee, and rightly so - she'd moved on with her life and he should too. She had no claim on him anymore - any she might have had she'd relinquished the night she'd pushed him away, emotionally and physically. But she missed him. Missed the easy camaraderie they'd always shared; missed flying with him; missed teasing him about his lousy shooting; missed playing triad with the other pilots and watching him blush as she threw out innuendo after innuendo at him ... most of all she missed his hugs. They generally only happened when they were making up after a fight, but the warmth that enveloped her when his arms pulled her close stayed with her for days.
There were many things she missed about her old life, but Lee's hugs were the thing she missed most.
But I know the road He chose for me
Is not the road He chose for you
So as we chase the dreams we're after
Pray for me and I'll pray for you
Pray that we will keep the common ground
Won't you pray for me? And I'll pray for you
That one day love will bring us back around
Again
After the initial hurt of her leaving, he'd wished her well. Or tried to anyway. She'd made her choice and no matter how he felt about it, he wanted her to be happy.
He'd listened to the gossip of the pilots returning from supply runs and had heard she'd married Sam, but since then, nothing. It seemed she was keeping a low profile down there - surprising; he figured she'd be one of the most well-known people like she was on Galactica, but it seemed she was keeping herself out of trouble.
He wondered if she'd ever come back, even to visit. She hadn't been to the Pegasus, nor had she been to Galactica. That thought saddened him - he knew his father missed her as much as he did. This time and space between them made the few weeks she was gone on Caprica seem like a holiday. And while he tried to steel himself to the reality that she wasn't coming back, was no longer a part of his life, he couldn't help remembering the old adage he'd heard somewhere - absence makes the heart grow fonder.
He hadn't thought he could be any more fond of Kara than he already was, but he was wrong.
Painted on a tapestry, we see the way it had to be
Weaving through the laughter and the tears
She hated it. Hated the fact that day by day her feelings for him grew stronger instead of lessening with time, the way they were supposed to. She hated loving him because he was miles away, married to another woman, and here she was, married to another man.
Sam was a good man and a good husband. No one could want for more, but she did nonetheless. With the benefit of the time and space she'd put between them, she could look back and see where it had all gone wrong. Where she'd pulled the threads of their lives in the wrong direction and ended up in knots. She too could now see what might have been had she been willing to lose control and let the master weaver weave his plan where he would without her interference. It would have been a better place, for her and for Lee. If she'd listened to her heart instead of fighting, they'd be happy now. Together.
She wondered if it was indeed too late to rectify those bad decisions.
But love will be the tie that binds us to the time we leave behind us
Memories will be our souvenirs
Memories, that's all he had. Good and bad, happy and sad. Things that had been and things that could have been if he'd only been willing to allow life to proceed without his interference. He'd always sought to control things, especially her, and had always found out too late that his father's words of wisdom had been correct - he should have let go and let his instincts take control. If he had, things would have been much different now.
He loved her, there was no denying that, but he hated her as well. Hated that she held the key to his happiness yet seemed to be completely oblivious to that fact when she left and removed it forever. Content was the best he could hope for now. Life on a nice, easy, even keel. There were no ups and downs for him anymore. It was all smooth and straight.
And boring.
And I know that through it all the hardest part of love is letting go
But there's a greater love that holds us
Pray for me and I'l pray for you
Pray that we will keep the common ground
Won't you pray for me? And I'll pray for you
That one day love will bring us back around
Again
"You're leaving," he said flatly, no emotion on his face.
She nodded. "I can't do this anymore Sam. I love you, you know that, but I just can't stay here." The tears trickled down her face.
Sam walked over and pulled her into a hug.
"I love you, really I do, but ..." she began, head buried in his chest.
" ... but you love flying more."
She looked up at him. " This is your life here, not mine. I have no place here, just as you have no place on Galactica." She sniffed and took a deep breath. "Our lives intersected for a time and it was wonderful but maybe they just weren't meant to converge on the same path."
"I understand, but you can't expect me to be happy about it."
"I know," she whispered tearfully.
"I love you Kara Anders Thrace, and I would give my life to keep you here with me ..."
" ... but you can't. You have to live your life and I have to live mine. Yours is here, mine is there." She inclined her head towards the sky.
"Will I ever see you again?" he asked in a husky voice, obviously holding back tears.
"I hope so."
They kissed and Kara could taste the saltiness of her tears on his lips. No matter how much they hoped, she knew it was a kiss of goodbye, not au revoir.
Pray for me and I'll pray for you
Pray that we will keep the common ground
Won't you pray for me? And I'll pray for you
That one day love will bring us back around
Again.
His were the eyes she saw first upon stepping off the transport, duffel bag slung over her shoulder. She was startled for a moment at the look in them. She'd expected anger, bitterness, maybe even hatred, given the way they'd part, but what she saw was hunger.
Their eyes clung to one another's as she crossed the crowded and noisy hangar bay to stand in front of him. Blue and green, usually light, cool colours, now burning with heat and passion as they stared at each other, ignoring everything else around.
"I'm back," she said simply, waiting for the cutting reply she knew Lee would jab at her.
He didn't. He was silent for a moment then he stepped forward quickly and pulled her into his arms fiercely, squeezing her tightly against him.
"Why?" he whispered in her ear, just loud enough for her to hear.
"For you," she breathed, barely speaking out loud.
He choked back a sob and closed his arms tighter around her, turning his head slightly to bury his face in her hair.
She squeezed tighter too, ecstatic in the knowledge that he wanted her back as much as she'd longed to be with him.
"Apollo and Starbuck, together again," she whispered, tears shining in her eyes.
"Forever."
The End