Love 101
By Lessa Soong & Takara Soong
Chapter 1
In the lounge, Will Riker, Geordi La Forge, Data and Haley Foster were laughing and talking. Will was just describing the new female technician who had came aboard with the latest in crew rotations, and how he felt about her "qualifications".
"If males didn't have sex to think or talk about, would you guys ever think of anything or would you be completely silent in conversations?" Foster, who sat between Data and Geordi, teased Will with a quick grin.
Both Geordi and Will looked innocently upward, grinning like wild men, but Data only looks confused. Soon all eyes turn to the android, who seems to object to this generalization.
Geordi nudges Haley with his elbow, sporting a conspiratorial grin, before turning his gaze back to Data.
"What is it, Data? Upset at being lumped together with us-"
"-depraved humans?" Will finished. This brought more laughter. But while Data seemed to reluctantly smile at this, he still looked unsettled.
"Okay, Data, what is it?" Geordi asked, now concerned.
After a moment, Data finally spoke. "May I ask a question first?" Everyone nodded. "What would be considered the norm for a human male to think about sex in an average day? In terms of a percentage, how much time, on average, would be spent in contemplation of sexual matters?"
The three around the table sensed this could be trouble. Ever since the installation of his emotion chip, Data had been even more determined to be a normal human male, even if that was still impossible.
Will decided to take the plunge and answer this one. "Okay, I'm not sure if I am considered normal..." He paused here to wait for the two in the background to stop snickering and heckling. "...but I guess on average I spend about 20% of my waking hours thinking about or pursuing sexual matters." Will had to work very hard not to break into laughter just from the expressions on Geordi and Haley's faces, but he gave in at the end, grinning broadly. When everyone looked back at Data, they noted his expression had turned from concerned to downright maudlin.
"There must be something wrong with the chip again. I do not even think about sex more than 1% in a week at the most." He looked quite upset over admitting this.
Haley reached over, patting his arm consolingly. "Don't worry, Data. You're still young and handsome. You just need to find a sweet young thing who will MAKE you think about sex...hopefully more than think about it," she said with a smirk on her lips.
Data looked at Haley with that still puzzled look on his face.
"Are you suggesting there is a correlation between thinking about sexual matters and engaging in sexual activity?"
"Yes." Haley, Geordi and Will responded together before starting to laugh.
"Hmm, can you elaborate further, please?" Data asked.
The three looked at each other as if deciding who drew the imaginary short straw and would have to answer.
"I'm not sure how to explain this, Data, but I'll try," Haley finally replied. "Once you have experienced the feelings of pleasure usually associated with a sexual encounter, it's very difficult to stop thinking about wanting to experience it again. A person who is in a relationship may think often about sexual matters in terms of the intimacy of being with someone they care about. Or someone who has been sexually active but is having a dry spell may crave that pleasure and think of sexual matters a lot more...say up to 20% of their waking hours," Haley teased.
It took Will a moment, but he caught on and moved to kick Haley playfully under the table.
"I am NOT having a dry spell," he defended, perhaps a little too loudly.
To everyone's surprise, even Data tittered at this, since the second officer of the Enterprise was not so blind that he could have missed Riker's talent with the fairer sex. Even before his chip, this had been a fascination of Data's. To the android, Riker seemed to flirt as easily as he drew in breath.
"Prove it," Haley challenged. "When was your last date?" she asked, leaning over the table towards the tall first officer.
"I won't tell you that, but I will tell you when my next one will be." Will's eyes gleamed with the familiar glow.
"Okay, I'll bite. When?"
Reaching across the table, Will took her hand. "As soon as you agree to go out with me, you beguiling temptress."
Haley blushed and pulled her hand away, smacking Will playfully as Geordi and Will laughed and Data grinned.
"Better watch out, Commander. She'll throw you in the brig if you're not careful," Geordi warned, tilting his head to the side and grinning at Haley.
"That would not be in accordance with regulations, Geordi," Data corrected. "However, seeing our newly promoted chief of security strong arm Commander Riker into a cell in the detention area would be quite amusing."
"If you helped, I just might get that done, Data," Haley said with a laugh.
"You better be careful, Lieutenant, or I may have to write you up for insubordination," Will laughed.
"Oh, please sir, not that," Haley purred at Will as she took his hand in hers and began to gently stroke it. "I'm sure we could come to some sort of understanding. I would do anything not to be written up...almost anything...aaahhh just write me up!" She laughed as she dropped Will's hand, abruptly on the table.
Data had watched intently and had noticed how the stroking of Will's hand had affected the commander.
"The way in which Haley was touching Commander Riker's hand, is that seduction?" Data asked.
"Yes, my friend," Will grinned. "And when done by an expert like Haley, seduction becomes an art form. I don't believe there's a man alive who could walk away from such a femme fatale."
"Ha, ha," Haley responded. "I think that's pushing it," she said to Will with a rolling of her chocolate brown orbs. Turning her attention to Data, she tipped her head to the side, staring at him with a questioning expression on her lovely face. "Come on, Data, I can't believe you don't know anything about seduction."
Data shook his head. "I have, in fact, thoroughly studied the mating habits of every known species in the Starfleet database. However, it has been my experience that the words on the screen bear little similarity when compared to participating in the act. I have been able to recognize the act of flirting for a number of years, but it still seems beyond my ability to duplicate the talent."
Geordi sighed heavily. "You're not alone there, Data," he laughed, albeit sadly. "I know you've seen how badly I can mess up in that area. Hell, I even had Worf trying to coach me in the romance department."
Haley's eyes went wide with shock and amusement, Will was belly laughing and Data was shaking his head in sympathy for his friend.
"I did not believe it to be a wise course of action at the time, but did not feel it was my place to interfere. However, your contact with John Doe did seem to have more of an effect on you than anything Mr. Worf had shown you. But I intend no insult to Mr. Worf's methods." Data looked apologetic, but Geordi just waved the look away.
"I know, but what I'm trying to say is that it's also human to be at a loss as far as flirting and women are concerned."
"Quite true," Haley added. "Hell, most of you guys are at a loss as far as what a woman really wants from a man. I could give you all a lesson or two," she said with an evil grin.
"Would you?" Data asked in all seriousness. "I would be most appreciative for any instruction you could provide in these matters."
Haley looked at Data with an expression of surprise on her face, not sure how to reply.
"Data, I think Haley was joking about that," Geordi informed the now disappointed android.
"Don't be disappointed, Data," Will smirked. "I'm sure Haley wouldn't have been able to teach you anything that Geordi and I haven't already."
"Oh, you think so?" Haley said defiantly to Will before turning to face Data. "Data, I would be happy to help you. Lesson #1, disregard all of the research you have done. There are no relationships that go 'by the book'. Lesson #2, disregard everything these two Romeos have told you."
"You realize that I cannot forget anything, Haley," Data reminded her.
"Just store everything you've read or they've told you in a file labeled 'useless information'." With a confidant grin, she boasted, "Follow my advice and you will have any woman you want eating out of you hand in under a month."
Geordi and Will exchanged astonished expression.
"Is it possible to drown in space?" Geordi quipped.
With a controlled laugh, Will imparted, "It's getting too deep in here for me. I think on that note, I'll call it an evening. Good luck, Data. I think you just may need it." Will nodded at Haley and Data and started to rise.
Geordi followed suit. "Just remember, Haley, Data can't swim," the engineer teased as he too rose.
"I do have my emergency flotation device," Data reminded the two officers as they were turning away from the table.
The two men just chuckled as they made good their escape.
"Very funny," Haley said, sarcastically in response to Data.
Data shrugged. "It is true," he assured her.
"You've been spending way too much time with Will. You're becoming a smart ass, just like him." Data gave her his disbelieving and insulted expression, but she did not buy it. "And further more, I think you like it."
Now, Data looked down towards the table. Looking back up at her, his expression was now one of impish guilt.
Haley laughed. "You're being corrupted by them. If you're really serious, we're going to have to start from scratch, Data. Are you in?" she asked him.
After only a moment's consideration, the android nodded. "I am in," Data answered.
"Good. I am very pleased to welcome you to the Foster Institute. I will be your instructor for Sexual Matters 101. The only prerequisite for this course is desire - the desire to learn, the desire to feel and the desire to participate in matters pertaining to sex. Are you up for it...no pun intended," Haley smiled.
Data seemed puzzled by Haley's last remark but still responded in the affirmative.
"If you don't have other plans, would you like to start tomorrow after our shifts end?" Haley asked.
"I do not have other plans so that would be acceptable," Data concurred.
"Great! Now its my turn to call it an evening." Haley smiled and rose from the table.
"May I escort you to your quarters, Haley? I have some questions regarding your qualifications for teaching this course." Data smiled.
"Oh, those two really have corrupted you," Haley laughed.
The two friends walked out of the lounge and headed to the turbolift.
"If you really do have questions about my qualifications, Data, this is your only chance to ask," Haley informed him.
"I do not really have any questions in that regard, however I would appreciate a very honest answer to another question. Do you really believe a woman could fall in love with an android like myself?" Data queried.
"An android, like you? Most definitely Data, most definitely," Haley said reassuringly as they exited the turbolift on deck three and walked towards her quarters. "Good night, Data."
"Good night, Haley."
As Data headed towards his own quarters, he wondered just what his first lesson would entail. In her quarters, moments later, Haley Foster stared at her reflection in her mirror, wondering exactly the same thing.
"What the hell were you thinking, Haley? Teaching your android superior officer about love and sex? If that isn't biting off more than you can chew, I don't know what is," she admonished her image.
As she went to bed, Haley continued to wonder what to do with Data once she had his full attention the next day. She continued to select and dismiss ideas the following day, as she absently stared at the back of Data's head from her station at tactical. Data actually caught her staring at him a couple of times during their shift, and Haley felt her face grow hot.
"Is something wrong, Lieutenant?" Data asked, coming over to her side.
Haley looked down, grinning with embarrassment. "Just thinking about later." She met his eyes, projecting a confidence she did not really feel. "Just planning out your first lesson, Commander."
Data gave her a clipped nod, smiling. "I am looking forward to it with great anticipation." The expression on his face was so endearing, Haley sighed as he turned away.
Data did not have a mean bone in his entire body. Well, he didn't have any bones in his body, but that was beside the point. No matter what she chose to teach him, he would not be rude or hurtful. Data just didn't have it in him. Haley took a deep cleansing breath and relaxed. Everything would be fine.
Who knows, this could even be fun. Suddenly, ideas began to flow. Peace of mind settled over Haley as a plan began to take shape. She could do it. In no time at all, Data was going to be a sex god.
The rest of the day seemed to pass quickly now for Haley as the nervousness she had been feeling eased. It was a quiet day on the bridge as the Enterprise was still four days away from Star Base 53 where Ambassador Varana and her staff were waiting to be transported to Marsella IV to begin talks on allowing the Marsellans in to the Federation. Soon it was 1600 and the next shift arrived promptly to relieve those going off duty. Data hurried up to the turbolift in order to leave with Haley.
"Deck three," Haley instructed the computer before turning to Data. "I thought we could use my quarters as the classroom if that's okay? I wanted some place private where we won't be interrupted by certain individuals who may prove to be disruptive," she smiled.
"You mean Commander Riker and Geordi, do you not?" Data asked.
"Exactly. I don't think they could resist putting their two cents in or making a few jokes, which normally wouldn't be a problem, but for this...well I'm taking this very seriously, Data. You're one of my closest friends and I want to help you experience life to the fullest," she explained.
"I too consider you to be a very close friend. I do not believe I would have asked anyone else for assistance with this matter. I trust you and your judgment. I know you will do your best to teach me about sex and love," Data confided.
The turbolift doors opened on deck three as Data was speaking. The two exited and walked down the corridor to Haley's quarters. Data had felt relief when Haley had suggested her quarters. He had been there many times to discuss ship matters, play poker and to just spend time with his friend. He felt comfortable there and with Haley.
Once inside, Haley ushered Data to the couch where the two sat down.
"I think it would be best if first you tell me what your ultimate goal is in this area," Haley told Data.
"I wish to learn about the different types of relationships human males have. As well, I have always believed one day I would marry. I think I have much to offer a mate." Data spoke sounding a little unsure as to how Haley would respond.
Haley smiled. "I'm very happy to hear you say that, Data. You do have so much to offer and I know one day you'll find that special woman who will want to share her life with you."
Data nodded at this with obvious uncertainty. "I have often hoped for someone to share a more intimate part of myself. However it was not until the installation of my emotion chip that I actually felt there was a more intimate side to me." The places where Data had chosen to stress his words added significance to them and Haley did her best to try to understand this. But trying to imagine not being able to feel anything for 36 years of life was not something any human could easily grasp.
Reaching out to take her friend's hand, Haley smiled reassuringly at him. "I'm not going to belittle the challenge you've endured in attempting to master a lifetime's worth of emotion in the short year you've had them, Data. I've watched you struggle, but just as you had no frame of reference to understand our human emotions before the chip, I have no frame of reference to truly fathom what this has been like for you. It's been all or nothing for you and I can't imagine..." She let her voice trail off.
Data nodded at this. "Having been on both sides, I can provide you with an informed opinion. You do not want to know what I know," he told her, meaningfully. "Haley, I did not come with the intention of discussing the pros and cons of emotions vs. emotionlessness. When I first installed the chip, there was a time when I believed myself ill equipped to deal with the new sensations emotions brought. But now that I have integrated them into my life, I have no intention of going backwards. That is why I am here. You have expressed a willingness to help me move forward, and that is where I wish to go."
Haley gave Data's arm an affectionate squeeze and grinned at him. "Let's do it," she told him eagerly. Sitting back in her seat, she took a moment to collect her thoughts. After Data had waited in silence for twenty-one seconds, she spoke again.
"Let's start with this. Have you ever been attracted to anyone before, Data?" Haley asked.
It took Data no time to come up with the answer to her query, but a moment to convince himself to answer. Honesty would be required for this attempt to be successful. "Yes, but I came to this conclusion too late."
"Too late? What do you mean?" she asked, confused.
"She was killed on an away mission," Data told her, trying not to allow his eyes to fill with tears.
"Oh, Data, I'm so sorry," she whispered, taking his arm again.
"It was many years ago when she was killed. It was only last year when I came to the realization that, had she lived, I would have been attracted to her," Data said slowly. "She is also the only woman I have been intimate with," Data continued. "However it would not have occurred had the crew not been infected with a strain of the Psi 2000 virus brought over from the Tsiolkovsky." Data regained his composure before continuing. Haley, who had been sitting quietly, just held his hand. "As for now, I do not know. There are a number of female crew members I find to be attractive. However I am unsure as to whether I am attracted to them in terms of wanting to be in a relationship with any of them. The women I enjoy spending time with I consider to be friends, such as yourself."
"We won't focus on any one woman to start. Don't exclude a woman though because you consider her a friend. It's not unusual for a man and woman to be friends for months or years before their relationship changes to a romantic one," Haley advised. "Yesterday I told you lesson # 1 was to disregard your research. When you meet a woman and you're getting to know each other it's important to be yourself. If you try to be who you think she wants you to be or what the books say, in the long run, things won't work out. It won't be you she gets to know, but rather that persona you've presented her with. Shakespeare did say it best when he wrote 'to thine own self be true'. Any questions so far?"
Data grinned at her reference to one of his and Captain Picard's favored quotes. "I agree completely with that sentiment," he told her. "And as for a question, I have been myself for all my life, yet I have only had one woman believe, for a short time, that it was myself she wanted. Are you sure I will be able to attract a mate as I am? How am I to know if a woman is interested in pursuing a romantic association with me? What are the most effective criteria for choosing a mate? If I successfully determine that a woman is interested, how do I proceed?"
Haley held up her hands to stop any further questions Data could come up with and, considering the source, she had little doubt he could come up with a lot more if he tried.
"Hold on a minute, Data. Let's not get ahead of ourselves. You can't learn all there is to this in one day, so if that's what you were hoping for, I'm sorry." He only seemed to be waiting so she continued. "To begin to address your questions, I told you yesterday that I thought you could attract a woman and I was not just saying that. You may not realize this, Data, but the fact you're the second officer of this ship and, well...kind of mild mannered, may be why most are unsure about approaching you. Yes, I'm sure your being an android puts off some, but considering the nature of our mission and career choice, I would hope not many. You may also consider that, as cliché as it is, most women still prefer the man to be the one who makes the first move."
Data gave her an amused grin. "That is actually mentioned in some of the research I have done."
"What did I just tell you," she exclaimed, pointing her finger at him.
"Please continue," Data grinned.
"As for attracting a mate, it's pretty difficult to attract someone if they don't know that you're interested in them. The first step is to talk to them. Let's say you're in the lounge and you see a woman who interests you and she's sitting by herself. You would approach her table and ask her if you can join her. If she says yes, sit with her and have a conversation. With time, you'll be able to tell by how she responds to you both verbally and through body language whether or not she's interested. If she appears to be, then you have different options depending on the time of day or the situation. If it's around a meal time, you could ask her if she has eaten yet and, if she hasn't, ask her to have lunch, dinner, whatever with you. If she has, you could ask her if she'd like to go for a walk in the arboretum or some other activity such as a recital or play if there's one on." Haley paused for a few seconds before continuing. "Data, I think it is time for our first field trip. Let's go to the lounge. I'm feeling a little hungry and it will give us an opportunity to observe the human male in his natural habitat."
A few minutes later Data and Haley were sitting at a table in what Haley termed a strategic position.
"Okay, Data," she began. "Look over there at Lieutenant Waters. He's been glancing over at Ensign Habib since we got here. It looks likes he's starting to make his move. He's smiling at her, asking her if he can join her and it looks like the answer is yes. We'll check back with them in a few minutes but first it's time to order dinner."
A moment later, Haley was very glad she had chosen a spot in the very corner of the lounge. Will Riker, Counselor Deanna Troi and Dr. Beverly Crusher entered the room just as the waiter had taken Haley and Data's meal orders. Riker did notice them, but he only waved and took a seat with his companions at a table across the room. Haley released a sigh that Data noticed.
"Is something wrong, Haley?" he asked, a touch of concern in his voice.
"No, I'm just glad Will and company didn't join us, but he does give us another chance for observation. He is the king of flirts."
Data raised an eyebrow at her.
"Oh, come on now, Data, he is," she defended.
"I concur the commander has quite a flare in this area, however, if he is the king, then with your assistance, I shall be the prince of flirting."
This caused Haley to giggle. "That's the attitude. Now watch the master at work and quit teasing me," she commanded, poking him in the side with her elbow. Data gave her an exaggerated wink and turned his attention to Riker.
"While we wait for dinner, I wanted to ask you something. What qualities do you think you would like in a potential mate?" Haley asked in a hushed voice.
Data glanced at her briefly before answering. "While I have noted many answer that very question by stating the value of a good sense of humor, I would have to qualify that by adding she would have to have a sense of humor I understand. I know many people whom others believe to be extremely jocular, yet I do not understand their particular brand of humor at all. I would want her to enjoy my humor as I enjoyed hers."
"Okay, that sounds reasonable. How about looks?"
"I do understand beautiful. However, I believe I would prefer her to be neat, rather than aesthetically pleasing. I do not care for things to be untidy. Disorder frustrates me," Data admitted, sheepishly.
Haley gave him a firm look. "Data, one thing you have to learn is not to be apologetic for having a mind of your own. You're allowed likes and dislikes, just like everybody else." When she saw he was accepting this, she went on. "Okay, so she should be your kind of funny, neat and beauty is optional. What else?"
"I would require someone who understands I am incapable of thinking only of her at any given moment, as my positronic brain is capable of performing 60 trillion operations per second. I will, however, give her my full attention when we are together." Data paused for a moment before continuing. "I would prefer someone who is more literal in expressing what she wants rather than saying one thing and expecting me to know she wants the opposite. I do have difficulty recognizing those situations."
"Oh, I hate that too. When I was aboard the Magellan, I had a roommate who did that all the time and it was so annoying. I completely understand your thinking there," Haley concurred. Data could not help but smile and feel some relief that someone else had the same feelings over this practice.
"Over the years, I have learned how to recognize when a person is using a proverb or expression that is not to be taken literally however I am not 100% proficient in this regard."
"So you want someone who is your kind of funny, neat, doesn't play word games, so to speak, and is accepting of who you are," Haley recounted. "That last trait is very important. I've always believed that to have a successful relationship, it's important to embrace a person's limitations and not just love their strengths."
Data and Haley's dinner arrived as Haley was pointing out how to read body language using Lieutenant Waters and Ensign Habib as her example.
"Do you see how Ensign Habib is sitting, how rigid she is?" Haley started. "That's not good. They've been speaking for a few minutes now and she hasn't relaxed yet. And there, did you see how she's not maintaining eye contact with Lieutenant Waters?"
"Yes, she does appear to be rather uncomfortable," Data added.
"Exactly. Now if Lieutenant Waters doesn't read her body language then most likely Ensign Habib will excuse herself and leave very soon."
"What would you suggest Lieutenant Waters do to prevent that eventuality?" Data asked Haley.
She turned to look at him, but shrugged. "Well, if we could hear what he was trying it would be easier to say."
"I can hear what he has said, but to repeat it to you would feel like an invasion of their privacy," Data informed her with regret. Haley looked momentarily stunned.
"I didn't realize you could hear THAT well. No, I agree, don't tell me what they said. Let's just say if Waters was talking about himself, he could change the topic to something he knew she would be interested in. Or he could compliment her by telling her something he finds appealing about her," Haley explained.
Data looked crestfallen. "Flattery. I have not proven to be successful in this area as well," he told her, with frustration creeping into his tone. He told her briefly about the time he had attempted this and, by the end of his story, Haley was shaking her head.
"I've seen this before. You're trying to duplicate or use someone else's words instead of using your own."
"You do not understand. I do not normally think in these terms. I cannot flatter someone using my own words."
"Yes, you can, Data. I know you can, because I've heard you do it. I want you to try it now on me. Just tell me something you have noticed about me that you find interesting. Use your own long-winded, long worded way. Go," she said with a gleam in her eyes.
It was those eyes Data noticed. Since he knew many compliments involved one's eyes, he chose that area. He would do his best, but he was sure she would be disappointed.
"I have observed in humanoids that one's eye color and one's hair color are almost always different. However your eyes are virtually the exact shade of mahogany as your hair, with only a .012% variance. I find this to be most intriguing." Data looked deeply into her eyes as he spoke.
Haley's jaw dropped and her eyes went wide. A blush rose to her cheeks and she absently ran her fingers through her mass of short curls. Slowly she smiled. "Oh Data, that was wonderful," she told him in a shaky voice. Data was stunned.
"Wonderful?" Data repeated.
"Yes," Haley smiled reassuringly. "You surprised me for a moment. I didn't realize how effective your flattery is." She paused for a moment hoping the redness in her cheeks had faded. "And the reason it was effective was you chose a feature to compliment that you find interesting and you used your words to express it. Now are you beginning to see why it was so important to be yourself?"
Data nodded his head in the affirmative.
Haley turned to her dinner and was about to take a bite when she stopped. "It looks like Lieutenant Waters wasn't able to read Ensign Habib's signals and adjust his approach," she said as she and Data watched the young ensign leaving the lounge - alone.
Haley continued to eat her entree as she surveyed the room for another example. By the time she and Data had finished, Lieutenant Waters was ready to try again - this time with Lieutenant MacDonald.
"We'll check on Lieutenant Waters later. Will is heading over to the bar and seems to have his eye on Lieutenant Hedberg. Let's watch the master at work," she smirked.
Riker's methods of seduction were something Data had seen and overheard many time, so this particular event did not interest the android. As Haley watched in fascination, and made the occasional observation, Data decided to do a study of his own. He interjected a joke or funny comment into their conversation, and was pleased to see Haley laugh in all the expected places. Actually, she laughed quite a lot. After Riker had left with Lieutenant Hedberg and Lieutenant Waters seemed to be making progress with Lieutenant MacDonald, Data tried to encourage Haley to tell him some jokes or funny stories. Data was pleasantly surprised to find he laughed at every one she remembered.
Lieutenant Waters proved to attain limited success in the end, as the young lady told him she would have to get together with him at another time, since she was due to meet with some other people just then. When Lieutenant MacDonald left, Waters called it a night.
As Haley and Data had finished their dinners long ago, they too decided to call it a night, but as they headed for Haley's quarters, Data wondered how she would feel about his next concern.
"Okay, Data. You look pensive. What's up?" she asked when they reached her door.
"I am simply contemplating how you will handle a different concern of mine."
"Oh? What's that?" she asked him.
"How to kiss a woman properly," he informed her. "Good night, Haley," Data said with a nod and turned to go.
"Wonderful. And I was nervous about the flirting?" Haley sighed as she entered her quarters.
Haley checked for correspondence before making an entry in her personal log. She was still getting accustomed to her duties as chief of security and spent some time reviewing duty schedules and familiarizing herself further with her personnel. She finally gave up after an hour as her mind kept going back to what Data had said.
How am I going to teach Data how to kiss a woman? she wondered as she changed for bed. She lay there for some time contemplating what to do before drifting off to sleep.
Morning came too quickly for Haley. After being jolted awake from a nightmare, she had problems falling back to sleep. In her nightmare she had been kissing Data to show him how to kiss a woman passionately, but when she had finished kissing him, he had burst into laughter. Haley had never really thought about whether she was a good kisser or not but now she was nervous.
"There's always the holodeck," she sighed as she began to get ready for her shift. "I'm sure I could program a woman for Data to practice on." As it turned out, the holodeck was available, however, Commander Data was not. The following day Haley overheard several conversations Data and Geordi had with Captain Picard, updating the captain on the status of a level three diagnostic. The two lieutenant commanders were involved in realigning or re-crystallizing something else too, but Haley had not caught all of it from her station at tactical. Her attention was focused on ensuring all security arrangements were ready for the upcoming arrival of Ambassador Varana. Data only had time enough to give Haley an apologetic look when he had first headed from his station at Ops to the lift. Haley had just smiled and nodded her understanding - rain check.
The following day, it was Haley who had to send one to Data. The ambassador had sent word of a list of requirements a kilometer long and it fell on Haley to see them taken care of. Teacher and student were not able to meet until the day Ambassador Varana actually arrived.
"It got a little more hectic than either of us expected, didn't it, Data?" Haley said, by way of greeting the android at her door.
"So it would seem. You are available for me now, is that correct?" he asked.
"Sure am. Come on in. Our holodeck reservation is not for thirty minutes yet. Want something to drink?" she offered, as they made their way to her couch. Data declined politely as the pair sat.
"The holodeck? What will we be doing in the holodeck?" Data asked.
"I was able to put together a simulation to demonstrate the different types of kisses. I have also included a woman you can practice with, if you want to use her," Haley replied. "Is there anything you want to discuss before we go to the holodeck? Anything about what we saw in the lounge the other day?"
Data thought for a few moments before turning to Haley. "In the holographic simulation you have programmed, will the woman be able to give me the proper feedback on how well I am doing?" he asked.
"Well, no. I programmed her in case you wanted to practice before moving on to a real person. You don't have to use it. I just wasn't sure how to provide you with practical experience," Haley admitted.
"I see. Would you..." Data spoke hesitantly, "Would you allow me to practice with you?"
"If you're comfortable with that idea, Data, I guess I could. Just don't laugh," she replied slowly.
"Laugh? Why would I laugh?" Data was puzzled by her remark as he had never thought of kissing as a laughing matter.
"Forget I said that. I had a bad dream last night and it's still effecting me a little," Haley smiled. The thirty minutes were almost up so the pair made their way to the holodeck to begin the next lesson. Haley was trying her best to hide her nervousness from Data over his request.
Once they arrived, Haley called up the program she had created using the arch. "Maybe I can tweak her responses a bit," Haley told Data as she hurriedly worked at the control panel. "Computer, run program Data Lesson Four," she commanded.
Data looked over just in time to see a striking holographic woman shimmer into being. She was Data's height with blond hair and blue eyes. Data supposed she was appealing, but his uncertainty over employing this simulated female's assistance restrained his enthusiasm. Looking back at Haley, Data could sense her unease. He knew it was his request for her to personally help if this plan failed that troubled her. Sighing, Data moved towards the simulated blond.
"Kiss me, Data," the blond implored him, opening her arms to him. Data turned his head back to Haley, raising a questioning eyebrow at her.
"Hey, my only previous experience at writing holodeck programs is for emergency security protocols. I am NOT a romance writer. It was all I could think of," Haley protested, shrugging helplessly at him.
"She is, at least, direct."
"Smart ass," she threw at him with a sneer. "Just kiss her. Let's see if this worked."
Data chuckled as he moved closer to the outstretched arms of the hologram.
Taking a breath, Haley sighed as Data made his move. With movements that appeared forced and rehearsed, Data took the facsimile by the shoulders and pulled her closer. Eager imitation arms went around him, but his actions still looked mechanical. Data pressed his lips to those of the blond for what seemed like an eternity, but there was no emotion there, and very little of anything else either.
When Data released her, the female cooed at him, but Data turned on his heels and walked stiffly away from her, as she continued to bubble over with praise. Coming to Haley's side, Data order the program paused.
"I wish to hear your evaluation of my performance," he said, flatly.
Haley felt her stomach rise up into her throat. "Data, you showed no feeling in what you were doing," she told him, gently.
"With good reason. While I do appreciate your effort on my behalf, I have no feelings for this creation, so I find it difficult to show feelings for her."
Looking deflated, Haley rocked back on her heels, rubbing her chin. "Good point," she conceded. "Let's take a more voyeuristic approach to this. Computer, run Data Lesson Four A."
A holographic man now appeared and joined the woman, both standing still, waiting further instruction.
"Data, how familiar are you with the different degrees of kissing? Do you understand that the same type of kiss cannot be used in every situation?" Haley questioned.
"Please explain what you mean," Data requested.
"A good night kiss on a first date is different to...say...a kiss before making love. Do you want me to have them demonstrate?" Haley continued.
"Please do," Data affirmed.
"On a first date if you're unsure as to how well it went or felt it was moderately successful, it would probably be best to go with the kiss on the cheek. However, as with other things even the kiss on the cheek has degrees. Computer run quick cheek kiss," Haley ordered the computer.
Data watched as the man gave the woman a very quick kiss on the cheek.
"But a kiss on the cheek can be a little sexier as well. Computer run sexy cheek kiss," Haley instructed.
This time the man was looking intensely into the woman's eyes. He slowly raised his hand and gently stroked her cheek before kissing her other cheek much more slowly.
"I understand what you mean by varying degrees now," Data stated.
Over the next thirty minutes, Haley had the holographic images demonstrate a variety of kisses up to a passionate lovers' kiss.
"Computer, end program Data Lesson Four A. Now Data, these are just examples. There are no real rules to tell you what kisses are appropriate to a situation. It depends on what you feel for the woman you are kissing and how she feels about you. The best kiss is a kiss sparked by emotion. If you really care for a woman, she can feel it in your kiss," Haley emphasized. "Okay, let's try this one more time. Computer, run Data Lesson Four."
Data approached the holographic woman again, looking over at Haley with an uncertain look on his face before turning back to the woman. Data again kissed the woman, this time not as forced but still obviously uncomfortable.
"Well, that was better," Haley stuttered. "Our time here is up. Let's go back to my quarters and go over what we've seen."
Once back in her quarters, Data turned to face Haley, blocking her path to the sitting arrangement.
"Your comment that I had improved did not hold much sincerity, Haley. I believe I still need considerable assistance in this area. If I cannot kiss a woman properly, will she not look for someone who can?" he asked in a pleading tone.
Haley reached over to pat Data's arm lightly. "Okay, I admit it was a nominal improvement, but this just may take time."
"How long did it take you?" Data countered.
Haley almost groaned. "Data, I don't know for sure how good a kisser I am. I haven't had any complaints, but I haven't had men beating down my door to kiss me either."
Data considered this for a moment before asking. "Do you wish to be married?"
With a sigh, she looked away and moved to pass Data, making her way to a chair. Once seated, she waited for Data to follow.
"I'm not really sure, Data. The idea is appealing, but I guess he'd have to really knock my socks off for me to seriously consider marriage. But, I think you're straying. This is supposed to be about you, not me."
"Agreed. Since it is obvious I require further instruction, will you allow me to kiss you so you will be able to tell me exactly what I am doing wrong?" Data seemed to turn very serious as he asked this.
Haley had felt this was coming but had been praying it would not. Data was her friend - a good friend. This whole thing suddenly sounded like a very bad idea but it was too late to back out now.
"I really don't see how kissing me will make any difference. You said the problem was you didn't feel anything for the hologram and that is true for me too," she offered, knowing it was weak.
"That is not true at all. I am your friend. I have very strong feelings of friendship for you that I did not feel for the hologram. You can also experience this first hand and better determine where I err," he pointed out.
Haley tried not to look terrified as Data came to a stand. When he stood before her, she forced herself to come to her feet. Data seemed to be making an effort to relax her as he looked Haley in the eyes and gave her a gentle smile. Lifting a hand to her face, Data slid his fingers over her cheek and into her hair. Bringing his other hand around her waist, he drew her slowly closer.
His kiss was still just a pressing of his lips to hers, but nevertheless, there was something about his gentle touch that had an affect on Haley. When Data pulled back, looking at her expectantly, it took her a moment to clear the fuzz out of her brain enough to comment.
Data's concern that his kiss had been a complete failure grew the longer Haley stood silent. Finally he could not wait any longer.
"Your silence suggests I have not done well." Data spoke barely above a whisper, looking terribly disappointed.
The sound of Data's voice jarred Haley enough to clear up the remainder of the fuzziness she had felt.
"No, Data, no. It was nice. A big improvement over the kisses with the hologram. You were much more comfortable. The way you touched my cheek and slid your fingers through my hair was very nice. We'll need to work on...talk about your technique for the actual kiss. There is more to a kiss than just pressing your lips to mine - I mean a woman's." Haley stumbled through the critique the best she could. "Maybe we should continue this tomorrow, Data. It's getting late."
"Of course. I will see you tomorrow, Haley. Good night," Data said with a smile. He walked towards the door to Haley's quarters before stopping and turning to her. "I appreciate everything you are doing to help me. Thank you, Haley." And then he was gone.
Haley collapsed in the chair and just stared at the wall for minutes.
What the hell happened there? Haley thought. As she replayed Data's kiss in her mind, the fuzziness started to return. She waited for it to clear before getting ready for bed. Sleep, once again, did not come easy. She stared at the ceiling of her bedroom for what seemed like hours, thinking about that kiss before she finally drifted off.