My Wish 4 U

by K-stoner

this is my first fanfic & songfic.... really it's pretty much after Fault & after Olivia goes undercover & comes back.... but it will b up to speed here soon... R&R i own nothing & i love this song

MY WISH FOR YOU

Take the damn bottle and drink from it you idiot! It won't take away the pain but dull it for the night, sleep is what you need. "Damn it! Why can't I just drink?" She growled into the darkness of the empty apartment that she had while she was undercover. As the rain pelted the windows and the roof. There sat the bottle and a glass that teased her to drink to relax, to forget him tonight, if she only knew he felt the same way. Reaching for the bottle her lips tap the warm liquid on the rime. Taking the drink long and slow she pulls it away and replaces it on the coffee table. Getting up she walks to the stereo turning the station to a country station which she only listened to when she had a particularly bad day a song came on she knew by heart. That she sang

'I hope that days come easy and moments pass slow,
and each road leads you where you want to go,
and if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
and if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
if it's cold outside,
show the world the warmth of your smile,
more then anything, more then anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it,
to your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more then you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.
I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
all the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
and you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
and you always give more then you take.
Oh More then anything, Yeah, and more then anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it,
to your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more then you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish'

\

Now hearing the song for the first time since she had left, she thought of how she had pushed him away all these years. And how he keeps coming back ready to listen when she was ready to talk. It was her role now to listen and he talk but he wasn't there. The undercover case had hit her like a tone of bricks. Dian had asked her, she couldn't refuse the chance to catch a killer. But Olivia wanted to work on there friendship and partnership. If she only knew that at that very moment standing in her living room. He was crying listening to the same song feeling the same feelings.

The day had been difficult for her one of the men that had been undercover had got shot in the cross fire when it broke out. The guy's partner was in the unmarked van down the street. Mark died two hours after he reached the hospital. She cried because she thought of how it must have been for Elliot when he got short at the court house. He could have died and no one would have known if she hadn't of tried to go down to the court house to have lunch with Casey. It felt so cold and lonely in the apartment as the DJ's voice came through the speakers. Talking of how in New York there was another molester behind bars as the special victims unit solved it with good timing. She missed them; she needed them to be there. To here Elliot in her ear telling her he was there, that he would do anything to keep her safe.

This apartment was filled with things of a woman she didn't know. Of a woman she had no desire to know. As the days passed she wanted nothing more then to be Olivia Benson again. But for the time being she was better off being another woman. To not have to find someone to love her. To not have to think of going home alone or going to the bar and not drinking for fear of the last situation happening. She had picked a nice guy who was fantastic at making her smile. Had dated a few times but when it came down to it she worked too much and the guy was jealous of that. For Olivia though it was about the job the victims mattered. That and the guy wasn't Elliot, soon she would be going home to see him. They would have to work through this.

His head in his hands he sat feeling sorry for himself on the same couch they had fought on two days before she left. It had been a cold night that night for August but none the less it was a bitter night inside as well. She had knocked on his door, not plastered but buzzed. He couldn't be mad at her; she was the woman he wanted to love to show how to love. The talk had been about the kids and how they where and how bachelor life was treating him.

"Liv what happened to us?" He asked almost scared of the answer she would give. She could tell he was shaking

"I don't really know, all I can say is that we have both done our part. I'd push you away and then you would push me away. Talking isn't in our relationship anymore. That and Kathy I don't want to hurt her. Cuz she already thinks we are sleeping together." She sighed feeling the need to leave. Olivia had become accustom to leaving when things would get rough since the hospital. Her form moved before her brain could tell it where to go.

" what the hell your leaving again with out so much as an explanation. You came to me Olivia." His anger was in full force

" No Elliot I'm leaving your apartment because you obviously don't want me here! " she gave a calm smooth sentence through her clenched teeth.

"What about the case you're working on, I had to hear from Munch of all people that you could be leaving." He huffed

" See it is always about the job and how I either can't do my job or that I shouldn't do anything with out you. DAMN IT ELLIOT! I'm a grown woman I don't need a knight and shining armor. She took a deep breath and moved forward standing square to him.

"And I seem to remember the fact that I choose you over the job and I had to leave because the feeling wasn't mutual. Quote for quote if we do it again we can't be partners Olivia." She pointed at his chest then pushed in to him moving him back putting the physical distance that had been needed in the relationship instead of the emotional distance.

As she turned he put his hand on her shoulder "Please don't leave…… I'm sorry…. Everything is crumbling around me in smoke here Liv and I-I was trying to save you from going down too but I guess I put you in the path of destruction?" he pleaded with her and himself to work this one out. Olivia bowed her head shaking it wanting more then nothing to believe that he was trying to help them but she just couldn't because if he was he would have backed up her choice for a new partner. But no he was hurt, but she keeps asking herself what about her? "You had the chance to fix this El, hell I had the chance to fix it too but we didn't and now what? Just leave it here, and then go back. Well we can't. We are different people now. How could I be so stupid to believe that you could give this up for me?" With that she shrugged his hand off and walked out. She cried herself to sleep that night. And every night since, he knew it and hated the feeling of not being able to help her and work this whole mess out. Now he was alone in the dark the radio playing some where off in the distance of the living room. It wasn't true he wanted her there more then anything he just didn't know how to tell her. And now he couldn't, what she said had played in the back of his mind Olivia wanted him to give up their partnership for something more, why? Did she love him had he read her body language and heard the defeated sound that hollowed out her heart and mind at the thought of him not wanting her? The real answer was looking him in the face, he loved her and she loved him. But why was it so hard for him to let go and let it happen. Sighing deeply in the darkness pushing into the couch he closed his eyes.

He whispered "I love you, why can't I show you. I promise I will when you come back." With that Elliot fell asleep dreaming of how he needed to show Olivia she was right.

It was like a scene form sleepless in Seattle at that very moment she had fell asleep on the couch as well thinking of how she could fix their problems.

The clock read 3:30am when she checked it. Looking to her cell phone which had been ringing for a few minutes now. She looked at the caller ID who the hell is calling me at three in the morning.

"Hello" she swallowed almost needing to say her name to remember where she was

"Come and meet me we need to talk….. And pack your stuff." The male voice ordered which she recognized as the agent who was working on the case with her.

"Where Jim? It's almost 4am, "she inquired while wondering why she needed her stuff

Packed.

"The coffee shop on the corner down the street from your apartment. And just pack we will get your stuff after we talk." With that the line went dead. She moved slowly grabbing her bags and throwing the few items she had in the bags dressing as she went around the apartment making sure she had everything she wanted or needed from the belongings in the apartment. Opening the door she looked back once more. This is crazy she could just be moving to another group, but this could be it she could be going home. She hoped that was it, her mind switched gears. Olivia was back in the driver seat and need to focus on the task at hand.

A small breeze danced as the autumn night in Oregon draped with stars moved at a southern draw. Pulling her light coat around her middle. Olivia smiled to herself thinking of how it was going to be nice having things back to normal. Drinking coffee with Casey, rolling her eyes at Munch's conspiracy theories and the way him and Fin argued like brothers. But most of all Elliot and how he knew how she liked her coffee the way he put his hand on the small of her back guiding her. The annoying way he always had to open doors for her. As she turned the corner to the coffee shop grabbing the door she sighed as the thought of how things will have changed between the two of them as well. Her brow frowned in determination to make things better and for them to work. Because she loved Elliot and she could feel that he loved her. She knew he did; now she would get the chance to find out just how much. As Liv walked to the table where she saw her intended informant she sat as the waitress came to ask what she would like. Ordering quickly to get to the point of the meeting she waved to the other woman for coffee what else.

"K I'm here what so important you is had to just wake me "Olivia was very happy to be getting her ass out of this place but not wanting to show it and also her distain for the man sitting in front of her keep her good mood at bay.

"Well its time to go ……" he stopped as the waitress came leaving the coffees at the corners of the table for the two. "Go home Benson" and the conversation moved form there.

It was the middle of the night and he sat at his desk a familiar place to his eyes. Snow was coming down outside the window feet from him. The beautiful scene went unnoticed by him though. He had kissed another woman and it wasn't the one woman he wanted. It had happened days ago but it still burned in his mind. Dani was now flirting with him every chance she got and that was all he could think of. Is how he came to the realization that he loved Olivia and how he knew Liv loved him? Then how Dani was moving in on what Olivia had wanted for so long for him to see how she felt. But was Olivia coming back. That is what he was doing up at the precinct at this hour, was thinking of how Dani had felt to hold and how it should be Olivia. The storm in Elliot's mind had keep him from noticing that Cragen had seen him coming and sit at his desk.

"Elliot what are you doing here? I'm leaving soon after someone stops by my office."

Cragen's voice was soft. He meant that Olivia had called an hour ago and was going to be in as soon as possible to talk to him. "But I'm leaving now because they won't be in telling later. Today so, Elliot goes home get some rest." He had to pause to keep the smile from his face he knew Elliot would be happy that she would be back. "Sure Cap….. I'll go get some rest but this case that Beck left me with is kind of hard to figure with out another brain." Elliot lie he couldn't help but lie, he had been doing that lately. It was a way to keep his feelings barricaded from the outside world. As Cragen put his hat on his head Elliot moved from his chair. The two walked out together

The plain had landed and hour ago, she sat outside the gate in one of the uncomfortable seats what the hell was she doing back here. It was to long of an assignment and she hadn't resolved any of the problems that she and Elliot had. Taking a deep breath lifting the bag on the floor to her shoulder she looked out the big window. It was snowing it was going to take some time to get to her apartment. Her hair blew in the wind as she waved down a taxi. The thought of how her hair grew and she looked different because of the sleep that she had caught up on and that damn food. To be back to eating a few things she missed she liked the weight she was at though. The driver had asked if she was visiting the city for the first time. She explained that she was actually coming home from business across the country. As she grabbed the bags from the back and paid the driver she walked up the steps to her apartment the snow was still coming down the big flakes clinging to her coat. Liv paused for a minute under her breath she spoke to no one and everyone

"Here goes nothing." Closing her eyes she took the keys she played with at night and unlocked the first door, taking the elevator she was feeling the familiarity of the usual.

Olivia was back and ready for a new change. There it was the door and the behind that was her safe place. As she unlocked the door she realized that she was going to need to clean, then get some stuff tomorrow but she needed sleep. Dropping her bags she went straight to her bed.

Elliot hadn't actually gone home to his apartment. He went back in after he saw Cragen leave, with his head lights disappearing in the distance. Elliot went back up to the cribs and sleep as good as he could. The morning had come too soon for either of them. Elliot quickly got up to go home, shower and change. As Olivia got up and cleaned a few things to get ready to go back to work. It was going to be a charged day both could feel it.

Mid morning came slowly as Olivia walked into the precinct looking around not a lot had changed to her which she felt was a nice thing. The other thing she liked was that Elliot was no where to be seen which was a sigh of relief to her. But something caught her eye there at a desk her desk actually was a woman grabbing a few things that where left on the desk. Standing thinking for a moment Olivia moved to the squad double doors to leave but thought against it, she walked straight to Cragen's office.

"Olivia how are you?" Don asked setting the case files down. Leaning back in his chair

"Hey Don, very happy to be home I can tell you that. But Ummm ….. You seem to be busy with a new detective. How is she working out?" she looked through the shades that was drawn. Seeing the woman still sitting at the desk. As she looked over her shoulder to look back at Don. "To tell you the truth Olivia she wasn't working out so she is leaving. But don't think for one second that there isn't room for you in my squad." Standing behind her. She turned her full attention to the scene out in the bullpen Fin and Munch walked through the doors. Olivia smiled there where her family was. " Olivia do you need time off to get things back in order?" she felt so warm knowing that when he spoke soft like he was that she was going to be ok. "Ummm…. No I took care of things before I came to see you. So she's not staying with the squad? You know we could use another woman in the unit." She thought of how it could work if there was another woman in the

Squad. "No she is a flight risk; she has a temper worse then Elliot's. I know you could use another woman in the unit but she isn't it." The statement was simple and she left it at that. Olivia was about to leave Cragen's office when Elliot stormed in the bullpen. It was a furry of excitement in his step. Until he saw Beck packing her few things she had on Olivia's desk. Liv couldn't hear what was being said between the two but she could only imagine the dialogue between them with the way their body language was telling most of the story. Olivia watched as Elliot moved to her side. "Hey Beck what you doing?" it was an over all question. He knew she was leaving but not this soon she wasn't even going to finish the case they where working on. "What does it look like Stabler I'm leaving by request?" He frowned his brow at the tone in her voice. "Who?" it was a whisper from his lips. It wasn't because he wanted her to stay for personal reasons. Or because she should try to stick with SVU and work out what she could as a detective. But because she had promise as one. Elliot wanted Olivia back more than anything it was unbearable. Kathy and he had signed the divorce papers two months ago. Elliot saw the kids but it was different now strained is what Elliot would call it. If Olivia was here he wouldn't have to deal with new partners and with babysitting Beck as it was. He could also not have kissed Beck. Elliot would have kissed Olivia and their relationship would not be in the demolished state it was in. Now in a moment of frustration Elliot stiffly walked in the direction of Cragen's office. Beck moved quicker then Elliot though. Stopping him mid way to the office door. "No El……. I can't do this job, I need to leave, I'm glad that I have you backing me up with my career." With that she went picking up the small box on the way out the squad room door. He just watched another woman walk out of his life with out him being able to stop them or control the situation. Shaking his head scrubbing his hand over his face. He walked toward Cragen's office again. Olivia's eyes went wide at the thought of Elliot knowing that she was there and hadn't stopped to talk to him. As she reached the other door to Cragen's office the tap on the other happened. Waving quickly to Don Olivia left without another word. But Cragen knew she didn't want Elliot to know she was back in New York.

Elliot was now at the door knocking softly; Cragen hesitates to make sure Olivia is gone

"Come in." he says quickly to one if his best detectives.

"Why is Beck leaving? She just took a few days off and now she is leaving the squad. What is the problem? When in the hell is Liv getting back?" he was confused the questions came all at once but he ha more. His patience was wearing thin, he takes a deep breath. "First off Olivia will be back when she is good a damn ready. Secondly Beck left for a few days off cuz this isn't the job for her and thirdly she is leaving the job cuz she can't handle the job and everything in her life." Cragen frowns and gives some what of a half truth. The truth was Dani couldn't handle Elliot and the job. But Elliot didn't need to know that not only could Olivia not handle him neither could a totally new partner. Then Cragen decides to make a little thing happen. "Sit down Elliot I want to tell you something." Elliot sat but felt uneasy. "Elliot ……"

As Cragen weaved a plan to get Olivia and Elliot to get together and talk. Olivia left the precinct. Her cell phone rang it was Simon her brother that she had found before she went under but was only able to get him out of trouble. "Simon where are you? Can we meet I have something to talk to you about?" she smile at the thought of having a new friend and a brother to talk too. "Yea, where….. How about sushi?" "Sure …… I'll see you soon, the same place we went before I left."

"Wait… your telling me that your best friend and partner of eight years is going to have to wait……" Cragen looks at Elliot in shock.

" No….. It's just a lot has changed since we last talked….." he sighs deeply folding his hands together nervously ringing them out to relieve the stress

" What has changed? Just because I thought you two could use some time apart doesn't mean you both have to separate completely I mean what about your friendship?" Don asked looking concerned that his detectives where falling apart