MEMORANDUM
WANTED: Agent required to replace man with vital role in British Intelligence.
MI6 is looking for one experienced, Caucasian male agent between the ages of 30-40, to assume the identity of Agent 007 or otherwise known as James Bond, following the sudden departure of the previous person who filled this position (last seen heading to the Caribbean with several married Latino women).
All applicants must have the following qualifications and attributes.
Headstrong and incapable of following most orders
Problem with figures of authority
Charming, Suave and boasting handsome, rugged features
Flashy dresser
Sex drive that would make Charlie Sheen look like a Eunuch
Ego surpassed only by said sex-drive
Already in possession or able to obtain a license to kill
Extensive fire-arms training
Prepared to drive a new, outrageously expensive car like a maniac
Able to keep a cool head in any dangerous situation
Have an impressive knowledge of different types of alcohol, local customs and social practices.
Able to cause a minimum of seven explosions and 5million pounds in property damages per mission
Agents that are prone to witty banter, making terrible puns and double entendres are preferred. Understanding of nifty gadgets optional. Knowledge of how to make a grand entrance/ dramatic escape, extremely helpful. NO FEMALE APPLICANTS ACCEPTED!!!
To apply contact MoneyPenny on:
Phone Number Classified Governmental Information
Reminder to all Agents: Please ensure that all non-combustible gadgets (ie: Communication or Flotation devices) are to be returned to Q Branch after use.
Also all agents who are embarking on missions to the Congo are up to date with their vaccinations.
M
Head of MI6.