Why Vampires Shouldn't Play RPGs
Disclaimer: I don't own shit. You think I WANT a whiny, pain in the ass vampire rotting in my closet? I don't keep pansies in my garage! Good lord.
"ALICE!"
"What?"
"I did it!"
"Did what?"
"I FINISHED IT."
Today was the day. The ordained day of days. At least, to Edward Cullen. Why was today the day of days? Well, anyone in a fit state to stand inside the Cullen home without being subject to ravenous stares could see, as Edward threw down the controller and scrambled out of the living room, up the stairs, and to Alice's room, the rolling credits of a certain video game on the large TV hooked up to a PlayStation 1 console. The game in question? Well, suffice to say that a one-winged dead man was fading out of focus on the third disk of one of the Final Fantasy games.
Alice was currently resisting the urge to laugh as Edward danced about like a small child, celebrating his victory. Jasper too bore witness, though the video camera in his hand intended to become blackmail could also be considered a viewer of this madness.
"MY LIFE IS COMPLETE," Edward shrieked into the air. "AAAAAAAAH!"
If only he knew…
The next day, while he was in Biology thinking over his next fan fic about the honorable Vincent Valentine, Edward was interrupted by a fell swoop of long, dark hair, sending his world into a psychedelic nightmare of BLOODLUST. Time passed and the two fell in love because that's what happens in stories about angst-ridden vampires, and Edward was strolling along when Bella's life was threatened (again) and he saw both their lives flash before his eyes.
Before he knew it he was having FFVII flashbacks and epileptic fits. "RAWKING FAWKING FAWWWWWK! NUUUUUUUUUU! The honorable Vincent Valentine is a prophecy of my own failure sent to me by the cosmos through a video game!"
"Edward…" Bella was somewhat concerned. Edward having been incapacitated, Emmett had saved her. Hopefully she wouldn't have to tell him that.
"DON'T TOUCH ME."
"Edward, no one's touching you…" Alice said.
"I HATE MY LIIIIFE. I SUCK AT EVERYTHING. I WANT TO EAT MY GIRLFRIEND AND NOT IN THE PERVERTED WAAAAAAY. WHYYYYYYYYYY?"
At that point Edward went into a coma for thirty years.
THE END.