"I guess I'll miss the man…"

The words had a harsh ring to it. I wonder if it was alright just saying them.

"But I won't miss his moods…"

The declaration was soft and crumbling. My lips shook at the blatant lie and I could no longer control myself.

"I won't miss his horrible temper… His selfishness… cockiness…"

Although the criticisms left my lips with certain clarity and false hope, I still felt my heart imbibing the worst toxins of heartbreak. It was caustic and painful. I pressed my fingers against my chest, feeling for the throbbing heart, the bleeding beats. Instead I felt the cumbersome weight of regret.

I wonder if listing these things will make it any better. I could keep wondering about that, and wait around. Yes… I could do that.

I could keep staring at the ceiling above me, or the floor beneath me, but no matter how hard I gaze, my eyes won't be able to deny the reality of its emptiness. My eyes won't be able to find anything I can find to save what I ought to leave alone. We were broken and that was all.

"He was always so crude… so inconsiderate…"

And then it stopped working altogether.

"Even if he wouldn't say a pleasant thing all day, there were still those other moments when I guess I could miss him. I guess I'll miss the man after all…"

I thought about his intimidating countenance, his abusive behavior, his deprecating remarks, but I would think about how much in him I grew to love. And I couldn't find anything more disheartening. In my loneliness, I'll find the way… I guess…

I heaved. I sighed. I glowered. I scowled. I laughed. I cried.

I thought of the many good men out there. I thought of the countless seas of affectionate arms and longing eyes. I thought of the lustful romantics, and the compassionate lovers. I thought of those empathetic glances I could have from truly caring men.

And I thought about how he wasn't one.

And it came to my head how he rarely smiled. He rarely laughed. He rarely conveyed anything close to loving me. But … on those rare instances when he did, they were the precious jewels I had been waiting for. Buried in the core of the earth, was the most handsome smile; the most luminous of eyes; the most sonorous of laughs.

"I definitely won't miss everything about the man… but I'll remember him when I can… will I love him still? I guess I'll never know, but the world ended that day when I knew I would still miss that stupid man…"

I looked beyond me, out into the window, past the iridescent lights, and the raucous cars. My listless eyes could do nothing but gaze, fixated at the bright and moving colors. They all moved so fast… spinning so quickly… Is this how love would work too?

Maybe loving him wasn't the best thing to happen, but I don't want to stop. I don't want to miss the man just yet!

I could walk a thousand miles, swim a thousand leagues, fly endless skies, and there would still be that lingering thought. I wish he never left. But for now, I guess I'll miss the man.