Ashes to Ashes
Hey everybody! Don't know if you remember me. Real life got in the way, and the CF writers frustrated me with their lack of bromance. However, the lovely Pallada opened my eyes to a potential in some of the latest episodes! I hope you like it! This oneshot is inspired by elements of 5.05 and 5.06 episodes, so anything you recognize is probably not mine!
Lieutenant Matt Casey felt like he was walking in a haze. The call that morning had been one of the worst kinds. They'd been unable to save the woman. Karen, his mind supplied. It wasn't unheard of; sometimes they couldn't save them all. But it didn't make the loss any less potent. He'd been there; he'd been right there.
"Lieutenant?" a voice broke through his thoughts. Startled, Matt looked up to see Hermann watching him. "Lieutenant, we're heading back to the house now."
"Right," Casey blinked, following his friend out of the charred house. He didn't know how long he'd stood there, staring at the burnt floor. But now, duty called. He had a team to lead, so emotions would have to wait.
Severide watched as his friend slowly exited the still-smoldering building. Casey looked worse than he had in a while, exhaustion more than evident. This had been a rough start to the shift, and Severide knew not being able to save the woman would be yet another ghost for his friend to deal with. Hopefully, it wouldn't be too much for Matt to handle.
The rest of shift passed in a haze. Kelly sat in his favorite chair, slowly watching the house go through the motions around him. Truck scrubbed the bricks clean of the graffiti, Hermann at their head. Ambulance 61 returned a short while later, Dawson confirming what they already knew. Darin's wife was dead; they'd failed when they'd been needed most. But Severide didn't see Casey, not until the blonde brushed past him, looking intently towards the front of the house. Following his friend's gaze, he noticed a blonde woman slowly making her way up the drive. Kelly watched as the woman spoke to Dawson and saw Casey moving to intercept the visitor.
"Ah hell, Matt," he muttered, moving to follow his friend. Families visiting after an incident weren't uncommon, and he had a hunch this woman was somehow connected. The last thing he needed was an emotional relative tearing into an exhausted Matt.
But that didn't seem to be what was happening. Instead, he and the others watched from the bay as she spoke quietly to the truck lieutenant. Shortly after arriving, the woman walked away, clearly upset. Matt was slow to turn back to them, seemingly lost in thought. Kelly noticed tension in his brother's frame and frowned. Maybe the woman had said something to Matt about the fire. Unfortunately, the truck lieutenant disappeared before Severide could confront him. The next time he saw the blonde, they were sitting side by side in a meeting with Bowden and the AI.
Kelly couldn't fully focus on what the arsonist expert was saying, as he was too busy reading Matt's body language. The younger lieutenant was pale, dark circles prominent on his face. The tension had only intensified, inciting Kelly's concern. Suddenly, he realized Matt was talking and tuned back in.
"…Line of char leading to the room the woman was in. The door was open. It's the perfect way to trap someone," The truck lieutenant recited. "And…I know it doesn't mean anything….but the sister came to the house and said there'd been trouble between the husband and Karen. Said she'd moved out of the house. I think this was arson."
Severide barely got a chance to process his friend's words before the attention was on him. He heard Matt's belief that it was arson, but all he saw was the man trying to claw past him to save his wife. "I don't think he did it," he found himself saying, ignoring the look Matt sent him. "I had to hold him back with everything I had. He was more than willing to die trying to save her."
The rest of the meeting went as expected, with the arson investigator promising to keep them updated and Bowden assuring that they'd stay out of the way. But the squad lieutenant could only focus on Matt's words. He thought it was arson? That the distraught man had intentionally killed his wife? How could Matt think that? Kelly had to wrestle with the man, had to physically restrain him. How could Matt think that was faked? Shaking his head, he didn't notice the other lieutenant slip away.
Tension began building within the house following that call, slowly grating on the nerves of the firemen. No one knew what had happened, but the two lieutenants seemed to once again be at odds with one another. They moved through the day to day motions silently, their only interaction coming when Severide tentatively stopped by Matt's office. He frowned as he noted the exhaustion still tinging his friend's frame. However, the reason for his visit proved stronger.
"Hey, I'm off to meet with Darin," he said by way of greeting.
"The husband?" Casey asked, turning to look at him. "Why does he want to meet you?"
"I'm not sure…guess I'll have to see when I get there," Severide defended. "Look, Matt…I'm going to defend what I saw okay? I don't think it was murder."
"I'm going to defend what I saw too," Casey insisted. "I know it was arson, Severide. There was a char line…you didn't see the scene."
"And you didn't have to hold a man as he lost everything," Kelly argued. "Not everything's murder, Matt. Not everything's like your parents."
Not waiting to see the hurt in the younger man's eyes, Kelly stormed off, emotions out of control. He knew what he'd said had been out of line. Matt hadn't done anything to deserve that, but at that moment, all he could remember was trying to help a man as his world fell apart. Maybe if Kelly hadn't been the one to hold Darin back, he'd be more open to Matt's reasoning. But right now, he couldn't bring himself to turn back. Right now, he needed to get out of the house and clear his head.
Casey, meanwhile, felt himself spiraling slowly out of control. He hadn't slept, as every time he tried, he saw Karen reaching for him, felt her grip on his arm. It was a nightmare he couldn't seem to escape. So many people he'd failed to save, families he'd let be broken. Kelly was right; it had started with his own family. But maybe, if he could help prove Karen didn't have to die, maybe then he'd feel better.
Following his meeting with the husband, Kelly decided to take a walk. He still needed to clear his head, and physical activity seemed to be a good option. Walking along the sidewalk, he let his mind wander. Meeting with Darin had done little to improve his mood. The man, while emotional, seemed far more concerned about his lack of alibi than his wife's funeral that afternoon. Kelly was beginning to feel doubt about the man's intentions, but the determination the day of the fire had been real. Confusion now clouded his emotional brain, joining the concern, guilt, and self-anger. He never should have snapped at Matt, especially when the other man was just as upset. He also should've taken the time to hear Matt's side of the story.
"Damn, Severide," he muttered. "Shay would kill you if she saw you acting like this. You kicked the puppy…"
Suddenly his phone rang, drawing him out of his thoughts. Frowning when he saw it was Gabby, he accepted the call. "What's up, Dawson?"
"Severide," she greeted. "Is Matt with you?"
"Uh, no…" he replied, mind beginning to race. "Why?"
"He didn't come home, and he won't answer my calls. That usually happens when he's with you," she explained. "He isn't taking the woman's death very well. He said he might go to the funeral."
"You didn't try to stop him?" Kelly asked incredulously, concern mounting. "God, Dawson…"
"Matt really only listens to you, Kelly," she insisted. "Look, I'm calling because I don't know where he is. I'm sure you'll be able to find him, but I have to go in for an extra shift, so I thought I'd let you know. We may not always agree, but I know you love Matt. So please, take care of him today, okay?"
"Yeah," the firefighter agreed. "Yeah, I got him. Take care of yourself today."
Feeling his concern mounting, Kelly pocketed his phone before digging for his keys. He needed to find Matt before he was too far gone. First stop, the cemetery.
Matt sat hunched in his truck, watching the funeral with bleary eyes. He could barely make out the people standing around the fresh grave, but he knew they were for Karen. He knew they were offering each other what comfort they could, bracing for a life without her. They were imagining the holidays without her, wondering if they'd ever be okay again. But Matt knew better. Matt knew that life would never be the same for those poor people, and it was partially his fault.
Kelly pulled into the parking lot of the city cemetery, frowning when he spotted the familiar truck. Cutting of the ignition, his frown deepened when he spotted the slouched form of his friend. Matt looked like he was barely hanging on. Cursing under his breath, Severide moved to the other vehicle, knocking softly on the window. Casey jumped at the sudden noise, spinning to look at Kelly, blue eyes bloodshot.
"Ahhh hell, Matty," Kelly muttered, opening the truck door.
"Kelly? Why…" the blonde started, scrubbing at his face.
"Here for you, you idiot," he interrupted. "What're you doing, Matt?"
"I just…" he hung his head. "I wanted to be here I guess. Know what they're going through."
"Look, I know we fought this morning, and I was way out of line…so far out of line," Severide admitted gently. "But I'm sorry Matt, and I'm still here for you. I'll always be here for you…you know that right?"
"Yeah, yeah I know that," Casey confirmed. "I just… I don't know what to do, Sev."
"What do you mean?"
"I think it was arson. But I know you don't…"
Severide frowned as he noted the dazed look his friend had. Matt was spiraling out of control quickly, exhaustion evident. "Look, Matty…we don't have to argue about that okay? If it's arson, it's arson. If it's not, it was still a horrible accident. Nobody wins, so let's just let AI handle it for now, okay?"
The younger man nodded, turning back to look at the funeral once more. Kelly's eyes darkened as he followed his gaze. "Matt, this isn't your fault…"
"It's always my fault," the blonde muttered, weariness loosening his tongue.
The Squad lieutenant's heart clenched at the statement, sparking him to pull the other man out of the truck. Hugging his brother to him, Kelly felt Matt practically collapse against him. "It's not your fault, Matty… none of this is your fault. You're exhausted and upset, okay? But I'm gonna take you home…we're gonna figure this out together."
Casey sank into Kelly's embrace feeling his brother's strong arms wrap around him tighter. For the first time in days, he felt grounded. "Can't sleep, Kel…"
Severide frowned at the weariness in his brother's voice. "C'mon, Matt. It'll be okay…"
Leading the other man to his car, Kelly offered the funeral one final glance. How had things gone so wrong?
Parking in front of Matt's house, Kelly looked over at his friend's slumped form. Casey was slouched against the window, blue eyes glazed. The other man hadn't spoken the entire home, but Kelly hadn't pushed him either. Bumping the other man's shoulder gently, he gestured towards the house.
"Let's go, Matty. Get you some food and some sleep, huh?"
The truck lieutenant merely nodded, climbing out of the car. Leading the way to the house, Matt fished keys out of his pocket. He wasn't sure what to do now. He was so tired, but he didn't want to sleep, not if his dreams would be haunted once more. He also didn't want to fight with Kelly. He wanted Kelly to help, to make it better.
Unbeknownst to Matt, he was mumbling all of these thoughts out loud, catching the attention of his surrogate brother. Frowning, the squad member followed the other lieutenant inside the house, making sure the door was closed behind them. "Matt? Why don't you go get a quick shower huh? I'll grab you some food…"
Nodding once more, the blonde disappeared off to the bedroom, leaving the other firefighter to reign in his concern. "Shit Trouble," he muttered to himself. "What's going on now?"
Twenty or so minutes later, Kelly had scraped together tomato soup and grilled cheese, hoping to help Matt relax some. However, the other man hadn't returned yet, inciting more concern. Walking towards the main bedroom, Kelly called softly.
"Matt? Bud, you okay?" No response came from the other man, but Kelly heard soft sobs from the other side of the door. Knocking gently, he pushed the door open. "Matty?"
The man in question was sitting on the bed, dressed in sweatpants and a t-shirt, his still wet hair plastered to his forehead. The most concerning thing, however, were the sobs wracking his frame. Kelly moved to sit next to his surrogate brother, carefully wrapping an arm around him. Matt jumped slightly at the contact, but made no other sign that he even knew Kelly was there.
"Matt," he coaxed. "You're okay, man… this wasn't your fault. There was nothing you could do…"
"…It's always my fault…"the blonde managed, muffled. "I couldn't save any of them…"
Severide's brow furrowed. What was Matt talking about? He was obviously more exhausted than he thought. Any of them? "Matt? Who couldn't you save bud?"
"I was right there, Kel…I held her hand! I…it was just like Andy, like Hallie….I couldn't do anything… I couldn't get the window open! I couldn't get her out! She kept asking me…she begged me! I couldn't do anything…" he sniffed, sitting up finally. "I…I just watched. Just like with Andy and Hallie. I just…I watched…"
Kelly felt his heart clench sharply as his mind raced. That was what Matt had been feeling? Mentally recalling the scene, he felt the anxiety build. "Ah shit, Matt…that's not true! None of that's…you…there's nothing you could've done. Not in any of those cases…You did everything you could!"
The Squad lieutenant wrapped his arm tighter around his brother, hugging the man to him. Matt sank into his hold, content to just be supported by Kelly. Severide's mind raced, sharply recalling the details of the scene he'd previously ignored. Matt on a ladder, Matt reaching towards a window, Matt having to watch, helpless as the fire claimed yet another victim in front of his eyes. He hadn't thought for a second that Karen's death would remind Matt of Andy or Hallie, but now he saw it clearly. Matt had been thrust back into that moment, that tragic moment years prior, being helpless once more. So Kelly held his little brother close, wishing he'd noticed Matt's anguish sooner.
A little while later, Matt was finally feeling a little more stable. After reheating the soup and sandwich, Kelly managed to get some of it into his brother before the blonde was willing to try sleeping. However, Severide could tell Casey was still uneasy about falling asleep and seeing his nightmares once more. So Kelly did the only sensible thing, and climbed in next to Matt, propping himself up against the head board. The blonde fell asleep shortly after, the exhaustion finally overpowering him. Kelly settled himself in for a long vigil, content to watch over his brother. He was going to help Matt conquer his demons. After all, they were brothers first and foremost; nothing else mattered.
Well, there it is! Hope you guys liked it… after watching the episode, I realized that poor Casey has been in similar situations before, so I connected the imaginary dots and played up the bromance. Let me know what you guys think, and let me know if you have any ideas for future fics!