Author's note: Well m'dears, if you have anything against suicide, I honestly don't know why you're reading this. Anyways, I hope you like this story, emo as it is. I plan on putting some kind of pairing in this story but I haven't decided what yet. Anyways, read on.
Disclaimer: The closest thing to a television series I own is a music video me and my friend made in grade nine.
She stumbles into her apartment searching for the vodka. She's no drinker; she's not that kind of person…usually. But tonight is an exception, for tonight she has all the reason in the world to get drunk as hell. It's just a case, isn't it? Things happen, it wasn't her fault, she knows that, but she still feels bad. Her heart aches and her head throbs, she just wants the bloody alcohol.
She searches frantically for her salvation. As her fingers slide around the bottle at long last, she feels relieved. She drinks straight from the bottle, not minding the taste. It feels nice and warm as it travels down her throat. Almost immediately her body relaxes her muscles un-tense. All is well.
She checks her phone messages. There are three messages from Olivia who was asking if she was alright and why she didn't go for a drink with them tonight. All is well though, she has her drink in her hands. Nothing matters, nothing at all. She smiles to herself. The world didn't need her, not really. There would be other ADAs. Perhaps if she left then Alex would return. That wouldn't be so bad, the squad would stop missing her soon enough. The world was moving on its own, she wasn't going to change that.
Her love life was completely none-existent, so she knew that there'd be no problems there. Her friends could move on, they were all strong. She was good at her job, had a fantastic prosecution rate and liked what she did. But she didn't like the pain she saw, some where along the line the pain of the victims had started rubbing off on her. The world didn't need her; the world was already too screwed up for her to do anything about it.
But there's more of course, there's the dark secret she never told anyone. Not even Liv. Perhaps she's ashamed; perhaps she just doesn't want anyone to pity her. Either way no one knows, and as fast as she's concerned, no one ever will know.
And there's this little dark thought in the back of her head, one that's been nagging her for a while now. What if she left it all behind?
The thing is once you've thought about suicide once; the thought doesn't leave too easily. Eventually everything becomes a game of, could I use that to kill myself? What if I jumped in front of that car? Maybe I should blow my brains out…Of course there's more to it than that. Everything bad that happens becomes just another reason to do it. I lost the case; I guess I should kill myself. I called Liv a bitch; I guess I should kill myself. I came late for work; I guess I should kill myself.
She takes another few chugs of vodka. She's drunk and her better judgment is pretty much none-existent right now. So she really ought to kill herself. She'll never find true love, she's a terrible person, she tells herself, and so she doesn't deserve love anyways. The world will go on without her. The world is a dark and evil place, and she can't ever change that. So she better just leave it all behind. And then there's that voice nagging her…I can't believe you let him get away. How could you do this to me? She should have tried harder, she could have done better…and now it's too late. She fucked up and is fucked up.
So really, now it's just a matter of how to do it. She could jump off her building, but that might not work. She could slit her wrists, but her blade's not sharp enough. She could hang herself, but she has no rope. She could take pills…yes, that could work.
She goes through her cupboards looking for anything she might be able to use. She places all the pill bottles on her counter and grabs a bowl. She's got Aspirin, Tylenol, sleeping pills, and some kind of pill for heart burns. She pours some of each into the bowl. As she takes the bowl to her room she plays with all the pills, smiling slightly. She takes the glass of water from her night stand. At first she only takes them one at a time but soon finds that she can take multiple pills at once.
Once she swallows them all she begins to write… I'm so sorry…A few tears drop on the pages, she gulps back her tears, finding an odd happiness in the fact that it's finally over. A few more tears fall, but they're different this time, they're happy tears. For the first time in so long she's happy. Her hair is sticking to her face, her mascara is running, and she's going to die. That's all that matters. She's happy now. So she falls asleep.
It's over.
Thank God.
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"Has anyone seen Casey?" Olivia asks concerned since Casey didn't return her calls.
"No, isn't she supposed to helping us with this case?" Munch complains.
Elliot just shrugs. Fin's eyes narrow. "Where is that girl?" he asks.
Cragen walks in, as if on cue. "Where's Casey? She was supposed to meet me in my office a half an hour ago," he says looking around the room. Everyone sort of shrugs helplessly. Cragen sighs. "Can one of you call her?" Olivia of course agrees and pulls out her phone. She dials Casey's number and waits. Ring, Ring, Ring, Ring, Click!
"Hello, you've reached Casey Novak, I'm sorry that I'm not available right now, please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as possible."
Olivia closes her phone and furrows her brow. Cragen looks concerned. Before Olivia can ask to go check on Casey he just nods and says, "Go."
"Thanks," she murmurs before grabbing her car keys and heading out.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
She arrives at Casey's apartment and knocks on the door a few times. No one answers. "Casey, this is me, Liv!" she yells. No one answers. "Casey if you don't open up the door right now, I'll smash it open myself!" No one answers. She smashes the door open and stumbles through the threshold.
She searches Casey's apartment. She enters Casey's room. She gasps. Casey's lying on the bed lifeless, a few pills scattered around her and letters lying at her feet. Olivia quickly rushes to her friend. She cradles Casey in her arms, whispering words she knows Casey won't hear. There's vomit in Casey's mouth and all over the bed. She checks for a pulse, by miracle it's faint, but still there. She strokes Casey's hair a few times, begging her to magically wake up, but she doesn't, Olivia knew she wouldn't, anyways.
She takes out her cell phone and calls an ambulance. And then she waits. When the ambulance arrives, she doesn't leave Casey's side. Tears stream down her face and burn her skin. She feels as if her throats closing in and all of the sudden she can't breathe. A nurse comes to her aid and strokes her back, telling her to try and calm down.
Olivia screams and smashes her hands against the floor of Casey's apartment. The nurse doesn't look alarmed, she's probably seen this all before. "I need you to breathe, your friend needs you to breathe," the nurse explains. Olivia sobs and falls into the nurse's arms. The nurse pats her back of few times until she's calmed down slightly. Then the nurse helps her get into the ambulance with Casey and soon they're speeding off to the nearest hospital.
Olivia holds her friend's hand until one of the ambulance workers say they need to put a needle in it. Reluctantly she lets go. She sighs and watches at the needle dives into Casey's flesh, and how Casey's unconscious face doesn't even flinch.
And as they drive towards the hospital, even when they get there, with Olivia sobbing all the way, not once does anyone tell her it'll be okay. Not once does anyone say that it'll turn out for the best. Not once does anyone say Casey will survive. And all Olivia can wonder is what went wrong. Why she failed to protect her best friend. Why Casey did it. Nothing makes sense anymore. Nothing at all.
Author's note: Alright, I hope you liked it, tell me what you thought. As the story progresses the reason for what Casey did is going to become more and more clear, you'll see. If you have any specific pairings that you want then tell me, I'd prefer pairings that include Casey and not something totally random lol.