Hole in the 4th Wall Chapter 1: May the Plot be With You
"Come on Pops, we both know how this routine always goes. By now, we're supposed to be fighting. You know, we fight in the damned streets, nothing unusual, just a panda and a girl. I mean seriously, it's an every day thing around here, right. Anyway, people look at us funny, then you conk me on the skull with a sign post and drag me off." The red head looked at the panda through the rain then slapped her right fist into her left palm. "And would you look at that complete and total dumbass typing this shlock up? I mean look at him, he thinks he's being origional and all. Bet he even made up his own characters or something. But really, he's just using someone else's characters and hard work to do his own thing and ruin it. Well I for one have had itwith these super lame, no talent, wanna-be writers, and I'm tired of seeing all these lousy fics start the same damned way! You with me pops?"
The panda in front of her roared in agreement and raised it's right paw into the paused for a brief moment thenlowered it's paw and growled out a question. Of course, in this case the panda was being an idiot, because, humans simply cannot understand panda gibberish. Realizing the error of it's ways, the panda ripped a conveniantly placed wooden sign from the ground and wrote his question quite legibly on the back of it. Where he got the marker to write with remains a mystery that may never be solved. On it's reverse side, he wrote a small thank you note to the so-called idiot who was busy typing this up, for so conveniantly placing a wooden sign within reach. The panda made sure the red-head never saw that side.
Ranma looked at the sign, reread the question, then realized the panda had written it in Pandarian, which was recently ripped off from World of Warcraft, but that's a story for another fanfic. "You dumbass! In Japanese this time!" A moment later, and the sign was properly written in Japanese. So that it's not confusing, it must be pointed out that this fanfic was written in English, and therefore Ranma could not read the Japanese. After a brief bout of yelling, the sign properly had a question, though it was in Al'Bhed, a language from Final Fantasy X, but Ranma miraculously understood it anyway so as to advance the plot. That said, she lost herself in thought, which itself is a suburb of Nerima, though very few people know that. Ranma was of course tired of the same old plots and dances, she wanted to do things her way, which was how Limp Bizkit tried to do it, but the highway won that arguement I believe. Anyways, she finally hatched a plan to go against the wished of the author. Little did the cheeky red-head know, but that was exactly what the author had penned, er typed. Also care of the keyboard, and idea came to Ranma, and it was brilliant. She whispered it softly to the panda, who might have been grinning, or he might have been mortified, but who can tell with pandas?
The panda, after a moments brief consideration (he prefers boxers), nodded slightly and grinned, in-so-far as a panda can grin. Yes, the plan was perfect, which he only believed because the author had a direct route into his brain, and forced him to believe such a foolhardy plan was perfect, despite the glaringly obvious flaw that the author had given said plan to Ranma. If everything went well (which was impossible, of course), they would indeed foil any chance of this fic having real readers, unless of course they managed to make this fic readable, which just might happen. At the very least, they wouldn't be following the same story again, afterall, no one wants to re-read Ranma from the beginning every time, only to discover that one minor detail was changed in the plot. So, in the end, at least they wouldn't be following the same cliches they had followed so very, very often, and so very many times before.
"Okay, seriously, I think we get the idea you moron!" shouted Ranma at the author. "I mean seriously, I think you're assuming too much of yourself. Now, if your reader, if you even have one, has even half a brain, I think he/she/it gets the point. Can we move this thing along already? I mean, usually by now, I've been in a fight or something." Ranma then grabbed her head in dismay. She knew that this was going to be a really, really, long and drawn out fic, she could feel it. And of course, this author was clearly a moron. She glared up at him one last time and shouted again, "Enough you brainless turd! Move the story along already." With that, she and the panda walked off into the next scene, which would reside several paragraphs away, and likely on another page, or not.
"Hey, Akane?" came the voice of a girl, well, more a woman really, but she was at that age where you almost can't tell, that place between adult and child that occurs between eightteen and twenty-two.
Thew black-haired girl, who just happened to be named Akane Tendo, glanced up at her oldest sister, who really wasn't that old afterall. "What is it Kasumi?" she asked with all the where-with-all of someone who already knew what was coming. Afterall, she'd done this fic thing before, and well, once you'd been around the block a few times...
"Well, er, there's this strange looking girl in our kitchen. And well, she's making out with the breakfast I was cooking, and still cooking better then me. She claims she's our cousin, Mary Sue."
No sooner had Akane heard the words, when she slapped her head with the force of an atomic bomb. As she recovered from nearly concussing herself, she glared daggers at the author. And I mean real daggers, the kind that would have been perfect as the teeth of a T-rex. In fact, she'd been perfecting this particular attack for years in other fanfics. Unfortunately for Akane, the author was immune. Finally she snarled at the author -casting him a death gaze- and said, "Seriously? You named her Mary Sue? Isn't that kinda blatently obvious? I mean, those characters are so incredibly bad they make Naruto fanfics start to look appealing. In fact, I'd almost consider a DragonBall Z crossover over that thing. And why, why did you make it so obvious?"
"Akane? Who are you talking to?" asked Kasumi while searching her sister's room for the target of her sister's comments.
Akane turned to look at Kasumi, then said, "Don't worry sis. Just send Nabiki down to help me clean up the giant mess that will soon be in the kitchen. I've got to do something about that Mary Sue before she destroys everything." Just as she got out of bed, Akane let out a gasp. The author had, for the sake of fanservice, forgotten to write in any clothing for Akane. She quickly scrambled around the room in a frantic effort to find some clothing, and dressed in whatever was available. All the while, she cursed the author and everyone around him, not to mention bitching about the lack of talent of the fanfic writers these days. Already, this story was off on the wrong foot.
She rushed downstairs, anger written all over her face. Of course, the author meant this literally, as it seemed to have more of an effect. She fumed as she passed her father, who had been heading upstairs to inform her, as was consistent with the plot, that Ranma was coming today. She knew that. He knew she knew that. Still, it was a common formality all fanfic authors seemed to obey lately, which was unfortunate. There was a time when most of them glossed over that bit of storyline. Ignoring him, she made it downstairs, then burst into the kitchen. Once inside, she grabbed the nearest bladed object, a conveniantly placed meat cleaver, and approached the blonde girl at the stove. This gave her pause, stopping her in her tracks. She turned to the author, and stared at hime with her mouth hanging open. She was dumbfounded. "S-seriously? A blonde Japanese girl? Are you a complete dumbass? Japanese girls do not have natural blonde hair like that! Idiots!"
"Hi!" said Mary Sue, "I'm your cousin Mary Sue! I hope we can be good friends. Although, I am gonna steal your boyfriend, his friends, your dad, and well, every other guy in this story. I hope you're ok with that." Her smile was saccharine, and her giggle was as bubbly as an exploding champagne bottle.
Akane was already in motion before the giggling begain. She'd had enough of Mary Sue. Her charge was as swift as any Ranma had ever done in other fics. Like a seasoned slasher, she shredded into Mary Sue with a vengeance. One cut, two, three, thirty, one-thousand. Repeatedly, for several minutes, she cut and sliced, and maimed. Blood sprayed everywhere, running like waterfalls of red down the walls. The floor was so heavily drenched, that the room appeared to have been a slaughterhouse.
"I hope we can be friends," said Mary Sue, stuck on some freakish, otherworldly auto loop. "I hope we can be friends," she repeated numerous times, prompting Akane to once again slash at her mercilessly. It took several attempts, but finally, the blonde went silent, and dropped to the ground. Akane, soaked in blood and panting heavily, stood over the girl, then said;
"You, are not better then me, bitch."
"Hey Akane, Kasumi said you needed a hand in the kitch- OH MY GOD!" said Nabiki as she entered into the family kitchen to see the scene from a horror movie. "What in the world did you do Akane? Is that... Is that a dead body?"
"It had to be done Nabiki, she was gonna ruin the whole fic."
"It's ok little sister, for one-hundred thousand yen, I'll help you hide the body, no questions asked. Once we clean up, no one will have to know."
"Nabiki!" shouted Akane increduously.
"What? The author wanted me to stay in character," said Nabiki with a smirk. "Fine, let's just get this mess cleaned up, little sister."
Nabiki went off to grab a mob, some chemicals, and Kasumi. Akane, in the meantime, was forced to drag Mary Sue's body out of the house and into the yard. She proceeded to dig a grave -one that went about six meters deep- next to the koi pond, then dumped the body. When she finished covering the site, she turned back to the house, in time to see her sisters finishing up in the kitchen. Akane hurried into the house, rushed upstairs, and proceeded to shower off all the blood, gore, and excess particles of murder. Once again clean, she burned her bloodied clothes, then headed back to her room to get into something clean. Unfortunately, the author had been careful to leave her very little in the way of clothing. With a resigned sigh, Akane dressed in the fishnet bra and panties, as it was all she had to wear, then cursed the dreaded fanservice beast that had been roaming her room recently. She accepted this outfit grudgingly, it was a small price to pay to remove Mary Sue from this crappy fic, preferably before the girl destroyed everything.
Slowly and surely, Akane returned downstairs. She paused for only a moment to glance at the clock. That was strange. This was supposed to be the day Ranma arrived, afterall, this plot was so far consistant with all the others she'd been in. With that information, she was suddenly aware that Ranma was late. She shrugged casually, then headed down towards the family dining room. Her father and sisters were already sitting at the table in anticipation of Ranma's arrival.
"Ooooh, I had no idea you could be so bold, Akane," said Nabiki with a smirk. "I'd never have thought you'd wear something like that. I'm impressed little sister."
"Oh my, Akane. A-are you sure that that is the first impression you wish to make? I know it's your life, Akane, but you look like a-"
"A whore?" raged Soun Tendo, the father of the three girls. "No daughter of mine is going to dress like a harlot in my home! I don't care that you are meeting your fiance. Go up to-"
"Don't we wait until after Ranma shows up before to decide I get to marry him? Anyways, the author sicced a fanservice monster on my clothes. This was all I had left thanks to that bastard." Akane then pointed up at the clock and added, "Besides, Ranma's late. He should have been here an hour ago. That idiot... He's throwing off the entire storyline. What could he possibly be doing?"
"Y-yes. That is indeed quite strange, Akane," said Soun. "I wonder where he and Genma are. It's not like them to be late."
Meanwhile, at an undisclosed temple in another part of Tokyo, ten girls were gathered and in the midst of a heated discussion. Also in attendence were three cats. Ignore the cats, for they are unimportant, but then, so are the girls, but we'll get to that in just a moment. For now, just know that there was a meeting of thirteen beings, most of whom were girls. Presently, the leader -a blonde haired girl who wore it bunched up into two meatball shaped buns- said, "Alright girls, someone's started working on another Ranma fanfic. You all know the routine. So, let's all be at the ready, this is our chance!"
The other nine girls, as well as the cats who were completely unimportant, but mentioned none-the-less, cheered in unison. They were ready to make a grand appearence in this fic, and do something of great import. They were all unaware that this would be their only appearence in this story.
well, most of them were unaware. The one with blue hair was exceptionally bright, and had been watching the autrhor write, and therefore was able to read that last paragraph. She tapped the blonde on the shoulder and said, "Uhm, Usagi? I don't think we're going to be in this fic."
"What do you mean, Ami? We're always in Ranma crossovers." The blonde glanced at the author and then froze. She could see him shaking his head, and she knew that what Ami said was true. "That's impossible."
The other nine began to tear up, then cried as thier hopes and dreams were dashed.
Another, similar meeting was taking place in another part of the galaxy. This particular group was made up of a young man at the center of a rather slutty dogpile of women. Each of the women were obviously infatuated with him, and some were more lustful. All in all, each of them was touching him in some form or fashion and attempting to get his attention. The young man spotted the author, and looked hopeful. The author shook his head as the girls began to turn their attention on him excitedly. It was as if someone turned out the lights as the author dashed all of their hopes of being involved in yet another poorly written crossover.
The scene, an alternate realm of the world Earth. It was somewhere near the beginning of the 20th century. The place was occupied in the real world by a country called Germany. Two brothers, one short and sporting a metal arm and a metal leg, the other tall and stocky, and being made entirely of a suit of armor, stood before a giant, metal doorway. The older brother -the short one- had seen the door once before. The younger -the sentient suit of armor- had not.
"Trust me Al," said the shorter of the two, "this is one fanfic we do not want to be a part of. I've seen this before, and this author is about to butcher something."
The suit of armor looked at his brother and said in a tinny reply, "Ok, big brother."