Hello, my name is Kagome. Kagome Kamemura.
And I'm a fool, you see.
Why am I fool, you ask? Well, there are myriad answers to this question. I'm a fool because I'm clumsy; because I tend to end up in the most deadly of situations; because I'm not necessarily one of the most intellectual humans on the face of this planet. There are many. But, the fact of the matter is, none of the answers are the true answer to why I'm a fool. Here. I invite you to take a guess. Go on, guess. Did you guess yet? I bet you didn't get it right. In any case, I'll tell you. I'm a fool because I'm desperately, so desperately, so desperately, enamored with him.
Him.
That.. that man. No, not man. Beast. That beast. He knows what he does to me, and yet, he seems so oblivious to it all. I wish I could be oblivious. Just this once in my life, I'd like to apply the teachings of "ignorance is bliss".
Kagome, what drives you to be so captivated with a man that's had the blood of countless men on his hands, I ask myself. Time and time again the answer eludes me. Painfully.
But I don't mind. I don't mind at all, for my logic is slowly starting to betray me. I found that more and more, I've been okay with being so desperate for his affection. It's not okay. It's not healthy.
It's not me.
As I write this, I find my surroundings, though tranquil, do nothing to ease the heaviness in my mind and in my heart. This lonesome part of the forest is filled with the sweet, distinguishable smell of spring. The birds sing a lovely tune and the creatures of this area scurry around, possibly looking for food or exercising their animal legs or trying to get away from me and the waves of confusion and sadness my aura sends off.
You would think that this would be rather peaceful, right? As would I. But it's not. It's not even close. On several occasions, I've felt his presence. Not too close, but close enough to perhaps sense my confusion and sadness as well.
Sesshomaru.
Words echo in my mind, and in this moment, I'm glad that the Feudal Era is filled with demons, witches, warlocks and the like. Not mind-readers.
So many words. So many words. They're suffocating me and, at the same time, caressing my mind like silk. Deadly silk.
Love.
Hate.
Pain.
Desperation.
Desperation.
Desperation..
Over and over they repeat. "Desperation" more so than the others. The word and its synonymous counterparts find a way to etch themselves onto my psyche. It's like a vicious circle that I wish would end. And, at the same time, I need it. I feel like I need these words to sustain me—or my sanity, rather.
Huh.
Speak of coincidence.
The devil himself decides to show up while I'm exploring the nature of my mind further and, ultimately, devastating myself.
I can feel him so clearly, almost as if we're standing right in front of each other. His aura is one of dark, unspeakable malice and superiority that is not to be toyed with. My curiosity arises and I start to wonder what it would be like to make love to a man so dangerous.
Would it be dangerous in itself? Would it be wonderful? I ask these semi-rhetorical questions to myself in my mind, and all I'm answered with is a scene of the two of us in bed, our voices alternating between soft and loud moans and pants while his hips thrust excruciatingly slow into me.
He's still there and I begin to wonder what would happen if I continued my train of thought on these images of eroticism.
In the end, my curiosity won and I decided to explore it. Not because I wanted to, but because I hated feeling curious.
The next scene in my mind was seductive. That's all I can really describe it as. In it, I'm kneeling. Kneeling before him. What bothered me was the way I was kneeling. I wasn't kneeling on my knees more so than I was sitting on the heels of my feet. In a way, I felt so vulnerable—both in real time and in the scene—that I attempted to shift into a different position.
I couldn't; there was collar around my neck and a long leash was attached to said collar. Any time I tried to move without being commanded to do so, the leash was pulled, effectively letting me know that I was not allowed to move unless told to.
In real time, I was uncomfortably fidgeting with my skirt. It was evident that I had become aroused by the scene inside of my mind and, strangely, I didn't mind it. If I had been in my right mind, of course, I would have been protesting against it.
Obviously, I was not in my right mind.
Sesshomaru dropped the leash. Slowly, slowly. It hit the floor in what seemed like minutes, but was actually only a few seconds. He moved behind me and kneeled as well. I wanted to protest, to say that a Taiyoukai of his power should never kneel before or behind anyone, but quickly decided not to.
Was he still there? I concentrated, trying to get a feel for him. Yes, he was. And I'm positive he noticed a change in my scent. If anything I believe he is drawn to it; he's a inch closer than he was when my scent was full of negativity.
In my mind, the scene continued. Sesshomaru slowly ran a clawed hand through my hair, massaging my scalp. Instinctively, my head lolled back in pleasure. In the deep recesses of my mind, while all of this was going on, a rational-sounding voice shouted: "Stop, Kagome! Stop, stop! This is wrong! You know it's wrong. You know.."
The voice was drowned out by the baritone voice of my object of hate, love:
"So beautiful, my darling Kagome. So.. perfect."
Lies. Lies! I knew it couldn't be so; I was so far from perfection that and I wanted him to know that. There were scars on my person and scars on my psyche, but more on my psyche. Knowing that he thought I was perfect, I felt the violent urge to heave up the contents in my stomach. I hated being in the same sentence as perfection, as it is quite obvious that I'm nowhere near it.
"Sesshomaru-sama, I'm not—"
"Silence speaks volumes when words cannot."
I was confused by his sudden response. What did he mean that "silence speaks volumes when words cannot"? While I briefly contemplated this, the hand in my hair moved downward, slowly, slowly. Down to the nape of my neck. It occurred to me that that hand housed poison—deadly poison. A quiet sigh left my lips, but I was sure Sesshomaru heard it, with what his preternatural hearing and all. Didn't I tell you that I was a fool?
In the clearing, I, again, noticed that Sesshomaru had come closer. I never heard it, though. Of course not. He's far too gracefully stealth. I assumed that my scent of arousal had spiked. I definitely felt it, and I'm sure that Sesshomaru had smelled and felt it as well.
I was anxious to see through to this scene in my head, but it had suddenly transposed to a still image. Strangely, I was a little upset. But, why? I hadn't wanted to truly explore this scene in the first place, right? So, why was I so upset? And, on top of that, I still despised Sesshomaru for making me fee this way.
Didn't I?
I wasn't even sure about that anymore. Truthfully, I wasn't really sure about anything anymore at this point. I wasn't sure if I still despised Sesshomaru and his obliviousness to my problem, or whether my feelings toward him were even real. About one thing I was still positive:
I love him.
I loved the killing perfection. I loved him.
Getting up from my place on a fairly sturdy log, I walked over to the hidden path that Sesshomaru had been watching me from.
I stood erect in front of him and looked him straight in the eye. I wasn't intimidated by him, not at all. If anything, I was a bit envious, if not somewhat zealous.
"Do you love me, Sesshomaru-sama?"
Silence.
"Do you?"
Again, silence.
"If you don't, that's fine. But I'm going to make it my goal to make you love me, Sesshomaru-sama. I don't believe you realized how much pain you've caused me. You're terrible, you know that? Horrible. And yet.."
"And yet..?" What was I going to say? I don't know. What was I going to say, if anything? I still don't know.
He raised a perfectly structured eyebrow when I trailed off. And something beautiful, magical, mystical, even, happened.
Sesshomaru smiled. His smile was utterly stunning, and I wished that I could have told him to continue to smile. Still smiling, he turned from me and began walking away, knowing that I would follow him.
And I did. I did follow him. After all, I was determined to make him fall so irrevocably in love with me.
~Owari.