Searching, a doctor who fanfic

Summery: The Doctor is desperate; he's searching for a girl he once knew – Rose Tyler.

Authors Note: This is dark and I don't really know where it came from, actually I do, it's born from procrastination. It's also quite confusing, apologies for that. Un-beta'd, therefore all mistakes are mine.

Searching

There are thousands of universes; thousands of her. It will never be the right universe, as the one he wants is definitely gone for good (sealed in a box marked Do Not Touch) but she'll be there, a different person, with the same face.

It takes a day or so to work out the calculation, he simply adapts the one he has but will never use. The code applies to a variety of universes, all of which he knows he shouldn't go to. He should move on, 'get over' her, but he simply can't. All that has happened, and all that he has lost has finally seemed to push him over the edge. He has found himself wishing for the girl that, for the briefest of moments, made him feel that everything would be ok. Surely he is allowed that?

He types the code into the TARDIS' mainframe and sets the console whirring. He'll be there in a matter of moments, back with the blonde haired girl he misses so much.

He finds her using the TARDIS and DNA. Henricks. Its 2006 – she said no, choosing to go back to her life of buses and baked beans. He kicks the console whilst making his decision. It doesn't help, he'll still do it.

She asks him if he needs assistance, all smiles and empathy. He probably looks wild and lost; the last few days will have taken their toll. With no sleep and no food he imagines he looks appalling. It's amazing that she has even approached him, but then again she always was special.

Her smile fades eventually, it's been at least two minutes and he still has not answered her question. It's not a conscious decision to be rude, he just can't stop staring. There's a ring on her wedding finger, small and a little tacky. Mickey the idiot- why settle for him, when you can have so much more?

She shouts for security and he's removed from the shop. Instinct takes over and suddenly he's babbling, laughing as two large men haul him out the door. He catches her eye and sees the look of confusion there. She hears him shouting an apology from outside then turns away. She dismisses his presence as a weird experience she had one day at work, something to tell her mum or the girls when she meets them later. A minute passes and her uncertainties are forgotten.

The second try goes just as badly, except he doesn't even get the chance to approach her. Someone had called security as he had entered the department. They had said he was behaving erratically, waving his arms and muttering under his breath, eyes wide and searching. When in custody later, he tries to come across as foreign so they will just let him go with a caution. They see through his charade instantly and he's left facing blank walls and a door with a grill on the front.

The first one he speaks to is 4, she's in children's wear this time. For the past couple of days she has seen him hang around although she doesn't comment. He's cute, in a scruffy, skinny way. Eventually she gets asked out on date ('A coffee, or, I dunno, chips if you'd prefer'). She declines, politely, with a smile on her face. She'd love to go, honestly, just her boyfriend wouldn't approve.

15 isn't working in a shop, she's at college doing her A Levels. She's a year younger than the girl he knew and different in many other ways. Her hair isn't blonde with dark roots but its natural shade of chestnut brown. He doesn't dare talk to her, so happy does she seem. He leaves a note in one of her textbooks, telling her that she should never settle for something she doesn't whole heartedly want. She finds it the next morning and for some reason can't bring herself to throw it away.

Sometimes he misses the mark and meets her when she's ridiculously young. 22 is just 5 years old when she bounds up to him in the park and asks him why his clothes are so funny. She says no-one wears trainers with suits and asks him if he's from round here. She giggles with delight when he says he's not. Then Jackie Tyler arrives and reminds her daughter to never speak to strangers.

He takes 43 out and it goes better than the encounters he had with 15, 34, 26 and 9. She laughs at his pathetic jokes and blushes when he calls her beautiful. She just can't understand when he says he's an alien.

He saves 72's life. She's at the student union bar, with a group of friends from her psychology class. He sees the guy –Michael, they call him- slip something into her drink. A small white capsule, it fizzes when it hits the liquid in her glass, turning it blue for a fraction of a second. When she looks down, she can tell no difference. It's completely undetectable; the alcohol will cover the taste when she goes to take a sip. Then she'll start to feel drowsy and leave the bar for a burst of fresh air. He sees the whole scene play out in his mind. Michael will be the one to help, leading her away…

He orders a replacement drink and swaps it when she's not looking. She's not careless, he's just undetectable. Michael is the only one who seems to notice but doesn't comment; he's scared of the steely gaze he receives from the man in a ridiculous coat.

115 is so different that he finds himself falling for her all over again. This one may have different mannerisms and personality traits but she still is essentially the same. No matter how she dresses, speaks or styles her hair she is the same girl. So why can he not stop wishing that the other, original her had her fingers locked in his?

Some of them travel with him for a while, 245 was the best as he had learnt from his previous mistakes. 96 had found of a photo of the two of them together that she had no recollection of being taken. They'd never been to ancient Greece, so why the heck was there a framed snapshot of them in togas? She had run for the hills and told him he was sick.

He finally crumbles, after many attempts to find a universe that is merely similar (he knows the exact number but will never, ever say it – it would be admitting just how desperate he has become). So he tears down the barriers he had made and steps out into the universe he promised himself he would never visit.

It's the right universe and yet as wrong as you can get. He's too late. Viewed from afar she looks happy, like she has the perfect life he'd said he wanted for her. 2.4 children, a husband and a house with carpets. No mortgage; Daddy's rich. It's wrong, on so many levels but he wanted her to still want him. To have nothing, to be as miserable as he is. He's disgusted with himself, yet cannot help thinking it would have been tragically romantic.

He leaves, back to his ship and a life without her. As much as it pains him to go, he thinks that somehow it is best. If she saw him, a whole new solar system of possibilities and questions and promises would be unveiled. She's not the same girl he left on that Norwegian beach; he can see that just from the way she is stood, her back turned away from him. She's in control of her life and probably has her whole future laid out for her. He's taken her away from this kind of life before. Yes, she had said that the idea of children, jobs and domesticity had not appealed to her but he knew that deep down, even though she refused to admit it, a part of her did want the life she's now leading.

It's as he turns the corner that he hears her, the soles of her shoes resonant on the hard concrete. She's sprinting behind, desperately trying to catch up with the fast pace he is setting. Eventually he hears her stop and stand still, her breathing heavy and quick.

'Doctor!' she calls.

All she wants to do is talk. Things have changed for her, he can see clearly now that Rose Tyler has become so much more then she was when he last saw her. She's more confident and self-aware, older and wiser. The dynamic between them has changed, where he thought the two of them could slip into their old routine, here they are carving out a new one.

The sexual tension has gone; she doesn't give him any longing glances, instead staring down at the ring on her finger. She says she loves her husband but that his arrival has shaken things up. She tells him it feels as if the rug has been pulled from under her feet and that she's not sure which way is up.

She leads him ('home' as she puts it) to a large London townhouse and promptly starts making them a cup of tea. Some things never change.

Eventually they start talking, she tells him of her life now, of her job and her family. It's not the life she imagined but she loves every element. All traces of wistfulness have gone from her personality, he notes. She's grounded and realistic, not hoping or wishing that the man in the blue box will whisk her away.

She only falters once, her smile drops for a fraction of second when she tells him how long she's known her husband.

'He was one of the first people I met here, after …'. Her sentence is quickly finished and she changes the topic immediately after, taking the cup from his hands and moving into the kitchen to refill it.

When she comes back in, the jovial chat is replaced by her need for real answers and explanations. She can't just pretend that everything is fine and that she's been having a jolly good time here in her parallel world.

She's stood in the doorway when she asks him what the hell he expected to find.

She's screaming at him now and they're both crying. Tears stream down her face, leaving tracks across her cheeks. All he can manage is a few droplets and he feels insignificant compared to her. Her anger and grief overtake any emotions he can possibly verbalise. Humans were always so much better at emotions than his species. Racing through her mind are thousands of feelings, all of which are being projected at him through her words.

'I hated you' she shouts. 'I hated you for leaving me here, for being so pig-headed that even though you could, you wouldn't come and find me. I knew you could, Doctor. I knew that what you had said was rubbish! Mickey said that for you, with a ship that had so much power, it would be easy. The universe wouldn't have collapsed! He helped me, he helped me search. I found a way back to your world but I never ever went. I never went because, because … I thought that if you really wanted me you would come find me yourself.'

She stops momentarily and stares at him, eyes still streaming. Where before he could sense the anger rising off of her all he can now sense is hurt and self doubt. Instinctively he moves towards her, arms outstretched. She backs away, putting further distance between them.

'I thought you didn't want me, that I was another Sarah-Jane'.

The last thing he wants her to think is that he didn't want her, didn't miss her so much that every moment of every day was filled with thoughts of cockney accents and wide smiles.

He talks finally, his lips stumbling over words that he has never said before. He confesses everything, just what he has done to be here. He tells her of the Master and the year that never was. He witnesses the horror in her eyes when he talks of the Daleks and how they're always, always back. He says that no, she's wrong about herself and that she does matter. He screams apologies, saying that the last thing he ever wanted to say to her is what he seems to say to everyone else. 'I'm sorry, I'm so sorry' tumbles from his lips and it feels like a physical blow to the chest.

She's quiet throughout his whole, horrific monologue until finally she has the courage to stand up to him and make him say what he's been hiding from all these years.

'Why are you here?' She asks, hoping that she knows the reply.

'Because I love you!' He shouts, angry that she could ask such a question. The resulting silence that falls between them is thick and neither can look the other in the eye.

'Go back' she murmurs, still unable to look at him, 'go back and find me before this all happened'.

He's uncertain at first as to what she means, he feels hurt initially at her suggestion. He wanted to leave and she was the one that had called him back, pleaded with him for the chance to talk. Yet his feelings change when he hears the rest of her request, feeling instead hurt for her and guilt at what she is asking him to do. To go back would be to re-write history, to rid her of the life she has acquired. No matter how much he loves her, and he's glad that, finally, he's told her, he doesn't know if he can do what she asks. Although she would never remember, he would. He would be stuck with the knowledge of all he took away from her. The images, he's sure, would fill his mind every time he took her hand or ran with her from the face of danger. Her husband and her two beautiful children, can he really be selfish enough to take them away?

She's so far away from him, across the room with no suggestion that she wants to be closer. The space between them is painful and it hurts to be in the same room as her without the ability to grab her in his arms. He keeps his hands clamped by his sides, aware that the impulses he feels are deeply inappropriate. Instead he merely looks at her, willing her to take back what she last said. She nods at him, telling him in the slightest of movements that she knows the full weight of what she is asking. It's the sign he needs and resolutely he turns away from her, exiting the room with all the grace his entrance lacked.

Leaving the house and walking back to his ship he sees her husband once more, walking slowly up the road with his children in tow. There's confusion etched all over his face.

The Doctor turns away from him without so much as a smile.