This takes place in the honeymoon between Edward and Bella in Breaking dawn (so if you haven't read it I strongly recommend you to stop now), the POV of Edward in their first night and first time.
None of the characters belong to me.
My bliss, My sin
One hundred years of life couldn't prepare me for this. I could have lived a thousand years and this new experience would have been as new and as incredibly indescribable as it was. As I keep remembering, as I somehow continue regretting.
I stared at the moon, the pale wise goddess that made my skin ghostly white, so unnatural and repulsive. What was I thinking, and more importantly, what was she thinking. The ocean´s waves kept hitting my icy skin. I watched my hands before going completely underwater, my skin was like ice, impersonal hurtful ice, with some luck the ocean's temperature will warm it up, even momentarily, only to not make her flinch when I touched her.
I remained underwater, she was now in the bathroom, taking a bath, it's been so much since I was human that I really don't see how she feels like washing herself so frequently, I couldn't understand how could she being so self conscious about her body, she was perfect, on the other hand I was not and somehow it didn't bother her.
I resurfaced, not because of the lack of air, I don't need air, at least I didn't use to until I met her, then breathing became a necessity, to taste the air around her became as important as blood for me. I heard her footsteps and paid special attention to them, she was walking on wet floor, and I've heard that most of the accidents happen in the bathroom. It frightened me, more than anything. They were so frail, all humans; but she, she was like a porcelain doll, a really breakable one. She could slip in the bathroom and hit her head, she could die in a car crash, she could choke while eating, catch a really weird disease, food poisoning, she could even been stung by a jellyfish. There were so many things that I panicked, every one of her days could be her last, every day of her life brings her closer to her last, and therefore my last.
If I had a heart I'll be having a stroke.
I heard her come closer but I didn't have the bravery to look at her, her scent lingered in the air intoxicating me, numbing my mind. She timidly came even closer; I could hear the waves caressing her fair skin, I could hear her wild heartbeat and in my skin I could feel her warmth, even when she hadn't touched me yet.
She took my hand, her soft blazing hot skin sent shivers down my spine, or at least I felt so even if maybe that's physiological y unlikely,
"Beautiful" she said looking at the moon
"It's alright" I said unimpressed and turned to look at her slowly.
I opened my eyes beyond my proper manners yelled me to, I eyed her so intensely and probably in such a lustful way that she blushed in a darker shade that anything I've seen before. I tried strongly to take my gaze off of her, to be the gentleman I was raised to be but it was like her whole body screamed to me, like a mermaid to a sailor I was entirely at her will.
""But I wouldn't use the word beautiful" I continued."Not with you standing here in comparison." I added sincerely
She half-smiled, then raised her free hand and placed it over my heart. I shuddered at the sensations of her warm touch as my breath came rougher now.
"I promised we would try" I whispered tense again "If... if I do something wrong, if I hurt you, you must tell me at once." she nodded seriously, keeping her eyes on mine. She then took another determined step through the waves and leaned her head against my chest.
She was braver than I was, fearless, it couldn't be like this, it shouldn't be.
I could kill her. With her in front of me radiating perfection I was most than uncertain that I would be able to restrain myself. I felt like I could lose control and more than frightened I realized a great part of me wanted to lose control. I'm such a repulsive monster.
"Don't be afraid," she murmured. "We belong together." I wrapped my arms around her, holding her against me
"Forever," I agreed still afraid of myself, and then pulled us gently into deeper water.
Her hand begun tracing the hard and dead muscles in my arm, and I felt like they came to life at her burning touch, I knew she had a pretty good idea of what was in my mind, of what troubled me, she was a intelligent woman. Besides, unfortunately Jacob Black had been awfully graphic about it in the wedding reception.
"I trust you" she reassured again into my ear before tracing little shy kisses down my neck, I tried to bite back a growl that embarrassingly came out as a purr, she chuckled and continued her kissing, my hands begun moving against my mind's command, I felt her shiver when I grabbed her by the waist so I drew my hands back and clenched them into hard fists, I repulsed myself so much. I looked at her apologetically and I saw her pouting
"I apologize" I said to her, she was upset, angry and I couldn't blame her. She kissed me in the lips, her sweet aroma all around me, her soft warm body pressed against mine; still I obliged my hands to remain immobile. Her kiss was getting fiercer, more impatient with every one of her breaths, she parted my lips with her tongue and unintentionally my throat produced a soft moan, I felt her smile and deepen the kiss.
I have never been able to resist her, and probably I will never be able to.
I began to kiss her back, my hands leaving stillness and entwining in her hair, tracing her back. She threw her arms around me and I lifted her from the warm ocean making her gasp but still not breaking the war our lips were committed to, I felt her hands playing with my hair as I reached the front door of the house, I had to leave her a human like moment, I would walk her to the bed in a human pace, letting her enjoy every moment. Besides it was extremely pleasant for me as well, her hands were no longer in my hair but going up and down in my back, her lips had given up and were picking a battle with my earlobes. For the first time in a century I was afraid to fall down so I focused really hard on every object in the floor or every stair.
When we reached to the big white bed I laid her down softly, she felt like crystal in my hands, so breakable. I took a step back and as a reflex she got up and sat in the edge of the bed as to invite me to lie next to her. I felt my eyes wonder again in awe, the white surrounding the room made her look even more stunning, I allowed my eyes to detail her and memorize every aspect of the way she looked like now. Her cheeks were the most beautiful shade of pink, her dark hair cascaded past her shoulders framing her angel like face and contrasting perfectly with her fair skin, her body perfectly proportioned, her curves flawlessly pronounced and her chocolate eyes shining more than anything I've seen. I felt unworthy, so little compared to her, so self conscious that I fought back the urge of covering up.
"Edward" no sound was as blissful as her voice calling at me –even when it was a little impatient-, all insecurities gone I grinned
"Calm, calm my love, you can't expect someone to run into the most sublime picture and don't admire" she blushed darker and her heart began to pound harder.
"Look who's talking"
I leaned over her, taking her slowly down to the bed again, I begun to kiss her delicately on the lips, then I had fun tracing ways on all her body feeling her shiver and moan softly, the little sounds from her awakened feelings I never knew, urgencies that clouded my judgment and that I couldn't control, my hands wandered through all her body, memorizing her, enjoying the heat of her skin against me. Everything was a tornado of sensations, her hands and kisses on me, her blood racing on her almost translucent skin, her scent and her heavy breaths. It was too much, I begun to feel impatient, and I knew she felt it too, but could I control myself? So far I've proven that I couldn't
"I love you" and smiled to me, as giving me permission, as knowing what I was afraid of
"I love you too, I've always have, I'll always will" she kissed me lightly, positioned herself and closed her eyes. I sighed and doubted, seeing her, smelling her, sensing her and tasting her, could I be able to finish this so called expression of love without killing her?, I felt like I was going to get a migraine and I heard her sigh again, pursing her lips in anticipation and I fought back the urge of taking her. I breathed slowly, trying to tame my own needs, at least enough to control my strength. I entered her slowly, calculating every move, she gasped and I stopped feeling my whole body go colder
"Bella, are you fine?" she opened her eyes and it pained me terribly to see tears clouding her gorgeous brown gaze, she nodded and I know that if I could cry I would be doing it for her to forgive me
"it's normal you know?" she said in a gentle voice, I remained still, not wanting to hurt her any further, of course I knew the first time is painful for women, but was this pain normal or did I overdid it. She moved against me, adjusting, sending waves of bliss trough all my body and I clenched my fists fighting the urge of keep going, but she moved again and my thoughts were blurry, she did it one more time and I followed her, not able to resist her anymore, as always.
If I could ever go to heaven, it'll be like this, like her. Isabella Marie Swan, or even better, Isabella Marie Cullen all over my cold skin sending waves of fire through all my body, her heart, breath and moans were the most exquisite melody the gods could have composed, her sweet fragrance like a drug, like a substance I needed to live. If I have a soul I can only beg to heaven to be like this.
She yelled my name and I felt her reaching ecstasy, I smiled and lead her to the heaven she'd been kind enough to show me, to the heaven she was entitled to more than I was; then she was there, in that heaven with me, our little moment of eternity in the mist of her mortality.
I watched her sleep as I always did, the feathers of the now destroyed pillow all over her dark hair, her face tranquil and her lips adorned by the prettiest smile; I caressed her cheek removing a feather that lingered lazily there noticing happily that the cold of my skin relaxed her. Maybe she wasn't that used to warm weather. Then I looked at her, really looked at her and I felt unworthy again, monstrous, unconsidered and furious.
As an immortal being time becomes meaningless, seconds, minutes, hours, days months and years are the same to me. So my new way of measure time was by her breaths and heartbeats. I listened to them until the sun rose, and then long after sunrise, she didn't wake up. I was growing impatient, I could hear her breathe and her heart sounded unharmed, but why didn't she wake up? Absentmindedly I trailed down the contours of her spine when I felt her breathing pace change; she was awake still she remained in my chest without opening her eyes, so I continued drawing patters on her milky skin. Her stomach was uneasy, and she laughed at the evident hunger
"What's funny?" I tried to say casually, I didn't succeed and a shade of red covered her pretty face and neck, as it had life of its own her stomach growled
"You just can't escape being human for very long." I didn't laugh, I couldn't and then she became suspicious, began to move in order to get a better glimpse of my face, I couldn't look at her, The guilt prohibited my eyes to look into hers, what would I say to her?, what pathetic excuse could I come up with?. There was no excuse, no possible explanation to justify her bruises.
"Edward" she said "What is it? What is wrong?" What is wrong I repeated in my head letting it stab me, letting it sink and hurt me, I deserved it
"You have to ask?" didn't she understand? Didn't she see the terrible danger I was to her, the selfish I had been, I looked at her, her forehead showed her concern, I wish I could read her mind, bet she's taking all on herself, that pained me even more
"What are you thinking?" I said softening my tone as much as I could as I smoothed the worried lines on her forehead.
"You're upset. I don't understand. Did I... ?" I couldn't let her finish, I felt my eyes tightened as I asked her straightforward
"How badly are you hurt, Bella? The truth – don't try to downplay it."
"Hurt?" she asked in honest surprise, so honest that it upset me, she begun checking her muscles moving her arms, stretching her body
"Why would you jump to that conclusion? I've never been better than I am now." She said offended; I couldn't bear to see her, I felt so guilty that I closed my eyes
"Stop that." I said embarrassed and culpable, everything from that moment made my mind, I was not to put her in danger ever again, I was supposed to protect her, I took an oath to be her guardian, I've fought too hard against everything and above that against myself to keep her sound and safe, I wouldn't put her in peril, that would mean to avoid intimacy with her again, even when in this moment of anguish and guilt I want to taste her body and hear her enjoyment one more time. I can't allow the monster to resurface, even when it pained me now, pained me more than when I couldn't resist the temptation of her blood. This urge was stronger than thirst, and it will hurt to ignore it, but I had no choice, no option.
Yes, last night was the best night of existence, of my life, and it would remain as a memory, as a blissful fantasy. No matter how much that hurts.
Hope you liked it, and I hope you leave reviews with your opinions.
See you in the next chapter :D