Alchemical Properties of Loss
A ship in the middle of the goddamned ocean was a rover's worst nightmare. Tiny spaces, too many people, nowhere to go; prime claustrophobia bait if such a thing ever existed. In self-imposed exile from the lower decks, all Lavi could do was pace the top deck; moving from forecastle to aft, silent as a shadow, his thoughts on anything but the situation at hand. Gramps would be furious, but the old bastard had cloistered himself below decks with Lenalee and Timcanpy, reliving Allen's death for posterity. Something about it infuriated him. If anything, Lavi himself should be putting the golems memories down in the records. He had seen them first; he had been there to see the blood. He had been there when that Wong character had all but confirmed the young Exorcist was dead. What value was there in being a primary source of information if he couldnt put it down where someone in the future would read and remember it?
He had flown off the handle and yelled at Lenalee, though.
He had kept the card they'd found where Allen's body should have been. Worse, he had been so careful to keep the others from knowing he had it, afraid they would try and take it away.
And how many times had he been reminded that primary sources were notoriously unreliable? A strangled sound pulled from his throat as he gripped the edge of the rail. Firsthand witnesses were a joke; listened to considerately, precisely recorded, then derided when out of earshot as their accounts went up in flames. No one story ever matched another. Lenalee's account of that bloodstained grass would be vastly different from Lavi's; no matter how hard they tried to keep them the same. Too exact implied collusion, too different implied someone didnt have any goddamned idea of what they were talking about; their emotions and prejudices had taken over and rotted their brains.
Would the panda want to interview him?
Could he stand it if he did?
Lavi looked up at the stars and moon as they passed lazily overhead. He idly wondered if, if he extended his hammer far enough, he could reach them. Anything to be away from here, to have space. Distance.
What the hell was happening to him?
He had looked at Lenalee's face when they had watched Tim's memories and the pain in his chest had been nearly crippling. The girls long hair had cascaded over her beautiful, open face, strands had clumped and stuck to her face as the tears had fallen. She had not even seemed aware, trapped by the vacant eyes and tortured expression in Allens face when that creature had destroyed his Innocence. Lavi saw her face and heard Allens scream when he recalled that moment. He had always been so proud of his photographic memory until then. Now he would give anything to forget.
Even if Allen had somehow survived, he remembered saying, without his Innocence, he was as good as dead to them. Sometimes he made himself sick.
And when had that started?
Hearing trained over a lifetime to catch the smallest sound heard the door to the lower decks close half a ship away, and Lavi turned to see the outline of the old mans hair rise above a stack of barrels. He wondered how much of what Lenalee remembered would end up in the record. Probably not a word. Tims memory was infinitely more valuable. Nothing colored the recollection. As emotive as the little golem seemed, it was in no place to provide grief-stricken commentary. Everything in Lenalees account would be reduced to, at most, six words: body missing when recovery attempt arrived.
When his mentor failed to summon him after several minutes, Lavi turned from his place at the rail and made his way below decks. The old man didnt even seem to notice. The hair on the back of his neck rose as the space closed around him; four walls, a ceiling and a floor made a shelter, but cut off the rest of the world too well. No amount of windows substituted for the outside world.
He paused outside of Lenalee and Mirandas quarters; he didnt even have the luxury of pretending hed become lost. The room he shared with Krory and Gramps was three down on the left hand side; due to the three of them bunking together, theyd been given the captains quarters. The door handle had a peculiar curlicue design that he hadnt seen on any of the other doors. Hed liked it when hed first seen it. The metal had been spit-polished and gleamed like new. Anita told him shed taken it from the house where shed grown up.
Anita herself had chosen the room beside Lenalees, but at the moment, she was one floor down in the mess, discussing rations with the cook. Bookmen noticed these things. Gramps probably knew where Mahoja had wandered off to, and when she had last changed her socks.
Lavi knocked carefully on the door, then listened for sounds of movement. The door opened a crack, revealing a darkly-lined eye peering out at him. "Lavi," Miranda breathed, her eye widening as her face creaked into a smile. The time-oriented Exorcist always seemed like smiling took an awful lot of effort. We thought you might be Bookman, again. She stepped back and opened the door all the way, then moved to sit beside Lenalee.
Out of pure habit, Lavi smiled back at her. The old bastard didnt go too rough on you, did he?
Miranda shook her head very quickly. Lenalee hadnt even looked up at him. Lavi wondered where Tim had got to. He was very gracious, Miranda replied. Her hand had moved to stroke the younger girls hair. Someone had brushed it, and it lay sleek and smooth down her back. He just asked Lenalee to tell him what she saw in the clearing.
His lips threatened to twist, but he checked them with a short laugh. Well, he said instead. As long as he kept his hands to himself. Making a joke seemed almost obscene, but Lavi had no idea what else to do. Yknow how geezers are.
He was a perfect gentleman! Miranda colored, hands fluttering nervously over Lenalees shoulders and her own hair. Really, Lavi, you should be more respectful!
A crease formed in Lenalees forehead; noticing forestalled Lavis response. Her brow furrowed further, until her brows formed shadows over her eyes. Miranda, she said softly, voice completely flat. Could I please talk to Lavi alone?
The older of the two women seemed reluctant; from what Lavi had gleaned from her history, her town in the German Confederation had been somewhat conservative. But a request from the Assistant Head Officer of the Black Order could hardly be ignored outright. Miranda glanced between them, then sighed and patted the hands still folded loosely in Lenalees lap. Ill go see if Mr. Krory is settled in all right. She smoothed her trousers and uniform jacket, giving Lenalee one last sympathetic glance before letting herself out. Sensing it might be better to keep himself as unobtrusive as possible, Lavi made no move to hold the door or close it for her.
Lenalee lifted her head and looked at him as soon as the door closed. A twinge of that earlier pain fluttered in Lavis chest as he met her half-dead gaze. Bookman asked me about Allen, she told him, still with that voice. And asked about what Tim saw.
He almost pulled the card out of his pocket and gave it to her. Almost. His hand curled into a fist before he could. She would benefit from it far more than he, surely. But he wanted it. Hes just asking to put it down in the record, he assured her, inwardly marveling at how easily the defense-cum-excuse-cum-blatant lie slipped out. Any information he can find about the Noah is priceless.
Her expression clouded sharply, the nearly-empty expression melting into anger. How can you be so calm? she demanded, standing slowly. Lavi had met with her brother a handful of times when the man had actually been serious, and in that moment, she looked just like him. Except for the glisten of tears in her eyes. Allen was your friend, wasnt he?
Already in past tense, Lavi thought, chest hurting more now. The interview with the old panda must have forced her to accept it. Y yes, he admitted, fighting tooth and nail to just say it, and desperate to keep it hidden at the same time. He is
Gramps hadnt given him a chance to accept it. Hadnt realized he needed one. He was very important.
But to whom?
A brief moment of insanity made him feel the weight of the card in his pocket.
His answer failed to satisfy the girl facing him; her expression only sharpened. I dont believe you.
Lavis eye widened. Are you insane?! The protest was instantaneous; reflex. His mouth moving long before his brain had a chance to remind him that speaking without forethought was a very bad idea. I saw the same thing you did! I watched that bastard take him away from us!
He was shouting again.
Then dont pretend everything is fine! And so was she. Dont tell me to just give up and move on! The tears had started to flow freely down her cheeks, now red with her emotion. Lavi wondered how she didnt completely exhaust herself by feeling so damned much. She suddenly moved forward, face buried in his shirt. Lavi froze, staring straight ahead as the pain in his chest took his breath away.
I know we have a mission she hiccupped and her voice broke. One small fist beat harmlessly against his chest. I I know he would want us to keep going
He wanted her to stop talking. Before he broke too. Shh, Lenalee, he murmured, throat tight and sort of feeling as if it were on fire. Itll be all right All the pretty words from every book he had ever read completely failed him now.
It wont! she insisted, second fist joining the first, just as ineffective. Allen her breath caught in a sob. He was
Special. The sound of his own voice, just as cracked, just as pain-laden as hers, startled him. He leaned heavily against the wall by the door, arms winding around her shoulders as he went, pulling her with him even as she soaked his shirt. He was special.
She nodded frantically, hands now open and pressed against his chest. Her shoulders jerked and shuddered as she cried and Lavis own breathing had begun to degrade into sounds that echoed hers, only quieter.
So that was what a broken heart felt like.
Lenalee moved first, hands and face lifting to cup his face and kiss him, urgently, to quiet him. Lavi let her, cradling the back of her head in both of his hands. Her fingernails pressed into the edge of his jaw, trying to pull him closer when there was nowhere to go. He tongued her bottom lip, nudging it open and meeting her tongue the instant it did. Lenalee moaned softly into his mouth, the sound somewhere between genuine want and a plea for distraction. Not knowing what else to do, Lavi kissed her harder, trying to satisfy both.
The pressure on his face eased as her hands slid up into his hair, fumbling over his scalp before settling at the nape of his neck. They broke apart finally, but didnt move far, panting into the same small space, tasting each others breaths.
"Please..."
The whisper could have belonged to either of them, and Lavi couldnt say for sure he hadnt asked. He might have. He probably did. If they made it back from Edo alive, Komui was going to kill him.
Lenalee whimper-sighed and kissed him again, working at the buttons for his trousers as his found the clasps on the back of her dress. The fabric parted easily under his fingers, letting him brush tentatively along her back. Each touch made her shiver, back arching and pushing her hips forward. Her hands divested him of his trousers as he pulled the dress down her shoulders and they paused for a half second, filling the already small room with harsh breaths and a heavy quiet. Lenalee traced his mouth with shaking fingertips, almost shyly meeting his eye. Her fingers drifted upward, brushing at tear streaks Lavi hadnt even known had fallen. He shuddered and refused to distinguish between the power of his grief and her touch.
Oh, Lavi she whispered, and drew his head close and kissed up the line of his cheek, then stepped back, letting the dress slide off her body. Her camisole and slip followed, white silk pooling by her ankles. She was absolutely beautiful. Easily the strongest and loveliest woman hed ever seen, let alone been with. Lavi worked his boots off his feet and pulled his shirt up over his head, dropping it haphazardly on the floor. Lenalee took his hand and pulled him toward the bed, long strands of hair falling over her eyes. He tucked them behind her ear with his free hand, earning a slight shiver and a sigh through her parted lips. She let him lower her on to the bed, holding tightly to his shoulders as he dropped a kiss on her pulse; her hips wriggled beneath his, a shaky moan working its way out of her mouth.
She was quieter than he expected, and no more of a virgin than he; her body moved against his slowly, meeting the rhythm he set with ease. Lavi pressed gentle kisses along her throat as he eased in and out, burying a soft groan in the crook of her neck and shoulder when she shuddered, clenching her muscles around him.
Lenalee came first, whispering a name that wasnt his and Lavi couldnt care less, since he echoed it when he followed. He wiped the tears on her cheek away with his thumb and kissed her forehead, holding her until she fell asleep. Very, very carefully, he untangled his legs and arms; he slid out of the bed and dressed quickly before pulling the blankets up to her chin and draping her dress and underclothes on the back of a chair.
Lavi turned the lamp down and brushed his fingers over her cheek before he left. He stood outside her door for another moment, hand pressed flat against the wood. Taking a deep breath, he scrubbed at his face with the back of his hand and turned toward his own room, fingering the card in his pocket and still smelling her on his skin.