You Are My Sunshine
Disclaimer: I sadly profess that I do not own anything in relation to Gossip Girl.
Note: I was watching youtube recently and found this haunting version of "You Are My Sunshine". Growing up, I thought this was a fun song, but after reading the lyrics I realize that there is so much more depth to the song. So after a long time debating about my next story I've decided to make this one a song fic.
I know that Chuck's mother was supposed to have died during childbirth, but for the purpose of this story lets pretend that she hasn't died…at least not yet….
Pairing: Chuck and Blair, obviously. Sort of.
POV: Blair Waldorf
You are my shine, my only sunshine.
I was five years old when I first remember hearing this song. It was my first day of kindergarten, and I was terrified to leave the protective arms of my loving father. All the kids, Serena, Nate, and Chuck, included, were dancing around in a playful game of musical chairs.
"It's your turn!" Serena shouted at Chuck.
"No! Girls are supposed to sing! Not boys!"
"Sing! Sing! Sing!" chanted Nate and Serena.
"You are my sunshine/my only sunshine/you make me happy, when skies are gray/you'll never know dear, how much I love you/please don't take my sunshine away" Chuck sang quietly.
Both Serena and Nate were paralyzed. Neither knew what to do or say. It was a beautiful song. Only I had the courage to say what everyone was thinking.
I backed away from my father's embrace and into the circle with Chuck.
"That's beautiful," I said, genuinely.
Chuck shoves me to the ground, "What do you know? You're a girl!"
"Hey!" my father shouted at him.
I started to cry. "Baby, its okay," he said as he scooped me into his arms. "He's just mean. It is a beautiful song," he said as he rubbed my tears away with his thumb.
As he set me on the ground to leave for work I started to wail. "Don't leave me!"
"Sweetie, your mom will pick you up in four hours, okay?" he whispered in my ear.
"We'll have lots of fun, right Blair?" asks my teacher, Ms. Holden.
"No! I want Daddy!" I scream.
Ms. Holden had to hold me back as I screamed for "Daddy!" I watched in pain as he disappeared out of the classroom and down the hall. It took me an hour to calm down.
I saw Ms. Holden talking to Chuck. He reluctantly approached me afterwards. "Blair?"
I ignored him. "Blair?"
"I'm sorry," Chuck said, genuinely.
I can only speculate that this was his first and only genuine apology.
You make me happy when skies are gray.
I never realized back then, but my parent's tenth anniversary party was the first date that I had with Chuck.
"Chuck! Chuck!" I shouted at him through the crowd.
"Blair, ladies never shout," scolded my mother.
I rolled my eyes.
"Stop giving me attitude," she sighed as she smacked the back of my head.
"Ow!" I screamed.
"Blair," my mother hissed, "Stop calling attention to yourself. It's unbecoming."
Even at the tender age of seven I knew what unbecoming meant.
I found Chuck holding hands with Clara Cabot, the biggest whore of the second grade class. She spent hours chasing the boys trying to kiss them. The disgusting thing was that Ms. Holden did nothing to stop her. I was heartbroken. Chuck was my best boy friend and my better half.
How sad is it that I knew that he was my better half, even, back then?
"Chuck?" I choked back tears.
He immediately let go of her hand and came to my side. He led me onto the dance floor and I knew he would never let me go. This was the happiest day of my young life.
"How sweet," I heard Mrs. Archibald tell her husband. "Little Blair and little Chuck Bass. They're adorable."
You'll never know dear, how much I love you.
Before fifth grade, Chuck and I were inseparable. Our parents were practically planning our wedding.
I remember hearing our mothers talking on the phone.
"Our kids are inseparable," giggled my mother.
"Uh hmmm," she said to something in response to his mother. "Oh."
In class, Chuck pulled me off to the side.
"I'm leaving," he told me seriously.
"Leaving?"
"To Australia. Dad wants to be closer to his estranged younger brother, Jack."
"Leaving?" I ask again, incredulously.
I couldn't believe that he would actually consider leaving me.
"At the end of the school year," shrugs Chuck.
"You're not taking this seriously," I told him. "What am I going to do without you?"
"You have Serena and Nate," he said.
"They aren't like you," I whispered as he walked away. "I love you."
Please don't take my sunshine away.
I was only a few feet away from Chuck and Nate at fifth grade graduation. Chuck was supposed to leave a week later.
"We are going to be like brothers," Chuck swore.
"I know," breathed Nate.
I later learned that Chuck didn't spend all summer in Australia with his parents, but had a carefree one, courtesy of the Archibalds.
I didn't hear from Chuck all that summer, or from Nate, who only lived two blocks from Serena.
Instead, when sixth grade rolled around, I was standing beside Serena when I saw Chuck. He was surrounded by girls, but had his arm around the waist of Samantha Fielding (the girl who was willing to try anything). I tried not to show my hurt feelings.
"Hey," Serena said, "Don't pay any attention to Chuck. He'll come around again. He always does."
But even then I knew that wasn't true. He had miraculously felt the Archibald touch and found instant popularity with the ladies.
I remember Nate turned to us, and he shrugs. At least he wasn't ignoring me too. He blew me a kiss. I blushed. But by the end of the year we were dating.
The other night dear, as I lay sleeping/I dreamt I held you in my arms/when I awoke, dear, I was mistaken/so I hung my head and cried.
By seventh grade, every waking moment was about Nate. For his birthday I gave him a green sweater which I had sewed a tiny gold heart on the cuff of his sleeve. He told me he loved it, at the time, and then promptly tossed it to the side in favour of his other, more expensive and exciting gifts. I noticed that Chuck, on the other hand, picked it up and was rolling it over in his hands. I tugged it away and hissed, "This could have been yours."
That night I was sleeping over at the Archibald's house and was staring at the ceiling.
"Do you ever imagine what our lives are going to be like when we grow up?" I asked Nate.
"Not really," he replied, sleepily.
As he began to snore lightly I traced my finger across his lips and sighed.
I whisper, "I imagine that we get married, have the picket fence and three kids. We live somewhere exotic, and don't have to worry about locking our front doors. Money is never a problem because your running some big corporation and we live happily ever after."
God, I wish that were true now. But as fairy tales go, this one doesn't have a happy ending.
When I awoke the next morning I found that he had discretely disposed of my gift in his kitchen's garbage.
Nate was with me at the time and began to shrink out of the room.
"What the hell is this?" I asked him, tears threatening to surface.
"Its just not my colour," he shrugged nonchalantly.
"How dare you!" I screamed. "How dare you!"
In a panic I grabbed the lonely green sweater, stuffed it into my oversized overnight bag and slammed his front door behind me. He never called me back.
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine/you make me happy when skies are gray/you'll never know dear, how much I love you/please don't take my sunshine away.
By the time I reached high school I was the only shunned girl in the history of Constance Billiard's School for Girls and St. Jude's School for Boys. My only friend was Serena, and even that was teetering on its edge.
"I can't believe that you would go to that club with that girl!" I complained to Serena over the phone.
"God, B, jealous much?" she replied.
"I'm sorry," I apologized. "Just nerves."
"You're going to be fine. Just breathe in and out," Serena coached.
"I wish you were here with me," I sighed. "High school is no fun without you. I miss you too much."
"I miss you too."
"Hey Serena!" I could hear in the background. "Come join us for shots!"
"Gotta go B. You'll be fine. Just remember: breathe in and out. Slowly. Bye!"
Then there was a dial tone and I was alone again.
I'll always love you and make you happy/if you will only say the same/but if you leave me and love another/you'll regret it all someday.
I was determined that ninth grade was going to be different. I was going to be crowned the next Queen B and nobody, not even the very absent Serena, could stop me. She had been gone for three months already and emailed me that she wasn't coming back. She was much too happy being groped by total strangers off the coast of Vermont. I was okay with that; this meant I could exact my revenge on Nate and Chuck in peace.
My girls, Kati Farkas and Isabel Coates sat down on either side of me on the steps of the Met during lunch.
"Have you seen the new posting on Gossip Girl?" Kati asked me, excitedly.
"No…"
"It's about Serena," piped up Isabel.
"Let me see that," I made a grab for Isabel's sidekick.
"Good morning Upper East-Siders; Gossip Girl here. I'm your one and only source into the scandalous lives of Manhattan's elite. Top story on my homepage: Guess who's back? The infamous Serena Van der Woodsen, that's who! I see your "vacation" did wonders for your health! Wonder where you've been? You know you love me, xoxo, Gossip Girl."
"Damn it!" I hissed, as I threw Isabel's sidekick as far as I could.
"Hey!" she shouted.
"I'll buy you a new one," I shouted at her as I started to walk towards Grand Central Station.
Chuck slammed the door shut as I had begun to open the doors of Grand Central.
"What the fuck?" I told him angrily.
"You can't go in there."
"And why the fuck not?"
"Because you'll regret it."
"How do you know?"
"Because I do."
"I don't believe you."
"Then, by all means, after you…" he told me as he opened the door.
In the centre of the station stood Serena with her arms around a man. But not any man. Nate. My Nate.
We had only started to date again, but I thought that this time it was going to be forever.
Chuck smirked. The joke was on me.
Serena moved in to kiss him, and my head started swirling. I felt the room spinning and suddenly I'm being rushed to the hospital and my parents are beside me rubbing my forehead and asking if I'm alright.
Chuck, Serena, and Nate stood in the doorway. Chuck was smirking, but the other two looked guilty, and rightly so, I thought.
"Get out!" I shouted towards them. "Get the fuck out!"
"You're too emotional," my mother told me. "Serena's back, dear. Can't you use civilized language?"
"Get out!" I screamed feverishly.
By now the nurses were showing them the door.
"Blair, dear," my father asked, "What's wrong?"
Tears burned my eyes but I refused to tell my parents what my so-called ex-friends had done to me. I was supposed to be the one to exact revenge on them. Hadn't they been the ones to hurt me unbearably? Didn't I deserve a modicum of happiness?
After visiting hours that night, Nate had bribed the nurses into letting him see me. But I wasn't having anything of it.
"If you're here to ask for forgiveness, don't waste your time. I saw you and Serena. You must think I'm really stupid. You must think I don't see your plan. I see it, and I don't like it. You're just as bad as Chuck. No! You're worse than Chuck. Chuck doesn't hide that he doesn't want anything serious. He just wants a quick fuck, and then its over. You," I told him accusatorily, "tell me sweet nothings and then you make out with my best friend!"
I stared at him in disgust. "Get out."
When he doesn't move I screamed, "Get out!"
The nurses angrily escorted him out of the hospital.
That was when Chuck made his move.
"Blair?" he whispered.
"Go away," I sniffled.
"I want to talk to you," he said.
He seemed genuine, so when he moved towards my bed I didn't stop him. He curled up beside me and wrapped his arms around my shivering body.
"Are you cold?"
"A little bit."
"Do you want me to find you some blankets?"
"No. Just hold me."
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine/you make me happy when skies are gray/you'll never know dear, how much I love you/please don't take my sunshine away.
"You are dead to me!" Nate hissed at me and then turned on his heel and walked away.
Tears ran freely down my face.
"But Nate…" I shouted after him. He ignored me.
At school I heard whispers and saw looks. I didn't care so much about what they were saying, but the looks were killing me. They weren't sympathetic looks either. They were death stares from the girls. For the longest time I became known as that slut who ruined the best friendship of Nate and Chuck.
Not even Chuck would talk to me.
You told me once, dear, you really loved me/and no one else could come between/but not you've left me and love another/you have shattered all of my dreams
"I can't believe you're getting married!" Serena squealed excitedly.
"Me neither!" I laughed. "I can't believe that Chuck finally relented!"
As my father took me by the arm to lead me down the aisle, I had tears in my eyes and was shaking with anticipation. I couldn't wait to become Mrs. Chuck Bass. It was weird how things turned out.
I had curled my hair for this occasion and pulled it back in a loose bun, letting tendrils frame my face. My makeup was done soft and elegant letting the real beauty shine. But it was my dress that was the real beauty. My parents bought it for me as a wedding shower gift. It was a beautiful, strapless Vera Wang gown that was made of ivory cotton tulle, had a rouched bust and a back bow with a signature winter garden corsage. I thought I was going to die of happiness when they presented it to me.
I remember smiling as I happily took my father's arm. I was waiting impatiently for the wedding march.
Watching Serena walk down the isle before me calmed my nerves a little bit. I was still out of view of Chuck, but could see him fidgeting beside Nate. I smiled nervously.
"Are you nervous, sweetie?" my father asked.
"A little," I admitted.
"Just remember that this is going to be the happiest day of your life."
How wrong did dad turn out to be, huh?
The dress I had chosen for Serena was a sexy Vera Wang designed, square satin/silk twill with a pleated bubble skirt and empire waist. The bust and straps were dark gray, and the rest of the dress was a deep turquoise. On her right side, along the strap were beautiful gray flowers. I wasn't about to put Serena in a hideous bridesmaid gown. I wasn't that cruel.
I took one last look at my engagement ring and sighed with happiness. The ring had belonged to his grandmother and had a beautiful solitaire setting holding a rectangular glittering aquamarine diamond. His grandmother died when Chuck was a young boy and that had devastated him. She was his only family who gave a damn. After pubescence, Chuck's mother fell into a deep depression and died after downing a bottle of vodka and thirty sleeping pills. He had found her lying on the floor of her bathroom, pale as a ghost, with her arm above her head. Even though he had tried to call an ambulance they told him she had died hours earlier. He never recovered. Even with the sad history Chuck managed to survive and his father made him successor to his huge empire.
Now, at 24, Chuck was getting married and I was to be his young bride. He had told me that I was the only one who would put up with his bullshit. He was right about that. He told me before the wedding he had found the perfect wedding rings and was going to surprise me. I happily obliged.
"Whatever makes you happy," I told him.
I started to walk down the aisle. I caught Chuck's eye and smiled. He gave me a tight smile back. Something was wrong. I could have felt it within my soul.
My father stopped walking in front of his pew and kissed my forehead.
"I love you."
"I love you too, dad."
Dad sat down beside his ex-wife and his husband. They were smiling. Everyone was smiling. But I knew something wasn't right.
"Dearly beloved, we have gathered…"
I was watching Chuck nervously glance around the room.
"I can't…" he whispered.
"You…what?" I said anxiously.
"I can't…I can't…marry you," Chuck said in one breath. Then he apologized to the priest and walked calmly down the aisle before I could process what had just happened.
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine/you make me happy when skies are gray/you'll never know dear, how much I love you/please don't take my sunshine away.
A month after the "wedding debacle" (as we Upper Eastsiders have come to call it) I began to throw up every morning.
"I feel nauseous," I told Serena over the phone.
"Are you pregnant?" she asked, concerned.
"No!" I yelled at her, horrified.
"Maybe it's the flu," Serena suggested.
"Maybe," I said hopefully. But in the back of my mind I wondered if I was pregnant.
I could feel the wheels in my head turning as I remembered the last night that Chuck and I were intimate. It was two nights before the wedding and he told me he loved me and couldn't imagine living his life without me. I melted at his words and his touch.
Now I wish I hadn't.
"Would you mind picking me up a couple pregnancy tests on your way here?" I asked.
"Sure thing," Serena said.
Twenty minutes later she showed up with ten pregnancy tests in hand. I remember thinking that I had no idea there were so many options out there.
Serena told me to take my time and held my hand through every one.
But all ten tests came back as positive and I was left at square one.
Nobody knew where Chuck had disappeared to, and I was feeling desperate and alone and with a baby on the way.
In all my dears, dear, you seem to leave me/when I awake my poor heart pains/so when you come back and make me happy/I'll forgive you dear, I'll take the blame
"Push! Push!" shouted the doctor.
I started to squeeze onto the rails of the bed.
"I hate you Chuck!" I screamed in immense pain. "I wish you were dead!"
With one last push the baby slid out into the doctors arms. There was no crying.
"Why isn't she crying?" I shouted at them. "Why isn't she crying?"
"Her blood pressure is rising drastically," one of the nurses told the doctor.
Two days later I wake in a haze and my mother and father are sitting at the edge of my bed.
"Where's my baby?" I asked anxiously.
My mother looked at me in pain. "She was stillborn, sweetie. I'm sorry."
I cried. I didn't care who saw. I cried loudly. I didn't care who heard. I shook as tears streamed down my face.
"Can I come in?" a very familiar voice asked.
I looked up to see Chuck.
"You did this!" I accused him. "You did this to me! And now she's dead! The only part of you I care about is dead! I HATE you!"
Chuck stood calmly in the doorway and asked my parents to leave. They did so reluctantly, but I heard my mother threaten to cut off a certain appendage if he so much as touched a hair on my head.
He approached me with caution, but allowed me to use him as a punching bag.
"I hate you!" I screamed.
Punch.
"You deserve to die!"
Punch.
"I want you dead!"
Punch.
Then, just as I was about to punch him again he grabbed my arms and pinned them to my sides.
"I love you," he whispered in my ear.
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine/you make me happy when skies are gray/you'll never know dear, how much I love you/please don't take my sunshine away.
I married Chuck twenty-five years ago and we have three grown children, and soon we'll have grandchildren.
I love him and he loves me.
I stood by him and I'm glad I did.
Although I'm not sure where he went after our almost wedding, but I don't think I care anymore.
Now, I'm watching Chuck as he is walking our eldest daughter, Audrey, down the aisle.
As he kisses the top of her head, he whispers, "I love you."
It's hard to imagine that we've come this far, but we have, and I'm perfectly happy.
There are no gray skies in sight.
*****
Thanks for reading! I look forward to reading your reviews.