A/N: So, uh, happy birthday to superstarultra! :D Wow, I've now been friends with you over a year, and yet it only feels like yesterday you were reviewing Alternate Endings and encouraging me to continue. Really, thanks :') So I've decided to repay you with this crack we cooked up a while back. You already knew this was coming, but whatever. I still hope you'll enjoy it. x3
For those of you who don't know, you remember that chapter of You Got Haruhirolled! - Evil Loves Company? You might wanna refresh your memory if you're unsure of what I'm talking about when we introduce Narcissist Sasaki to infamous Bimbo Emiri from my crack fic, The Alternate Endings of Haruhi Suzumiya.
It's a kooky and weird experiment that we created a while back :D So without further ado, read on, my fellow cupcake-munchers! *shifty eyes*
From Mirror to Mirror
SUMMER
The Student Council President (lets call him Cal, shall we?) was sat at the end of the table, waiting for the other various members of the council to come filing in.
A few were sat with uninterested faces plastered on, while one particularly busty girl was pouring herself some whiskey and giggling hysterically at nothing particularly out of the ordinary.
Emiri Kimidori was no exception to this lack of interest towards what Cal had to say about school policies. Instead, she was peering into what seemed to be a small hand mirror.
At a first glance it would seem that darling Emiri was merely checking whether her make-up covered a blemish or whether her eyeliner was smudged, but if anyone could be bothered to lean in closer and hear what she had to say, they'd be in for quite a shock.
"…Now, my dear, just you sit tight, once we're out of this stuffy school I'll take you down to the nail parlour and we'll get those little pearlies of yours pampered," she said gleefully to her reflection, trying out a signature wink that always seemed to work on Nakagawa, her regular beautician, whenever she didn't have enough money to pay for the Advanced-Mega-Ultra-Crazy-You'd-Have-To-Be-A-Dumbass-Pony-Not-To-Want Facial.
Of course, Emiri had every right to whisper such things - she was, after all, not quite as popular as most of the hooligans attending North High, and if news spread about her secret affair, not only would her reputation be tarnished, but also her puppet master would have quite a few things to say to her.
…Who was she kidding? When her and her puppet master fought they never used their mouths until round three.
"Now, just hang in there a little while longer," she pleaded into the mirror, gently slipping it up her sleeve. "We'll be out soon, I promise. I'll miss you~"
"Now, if we're all here," Cal said, clearing his throat. "I have some important matters to discuss.""You mean like girlfriends?" Extra 1 piped up. Cal scowled."Don't be ridiculous. They haven't showed up in the lives of the council since the series started. I was meaning to talk about-""How many more times Ryouko can rise from the dead before people get bored?" Extra 2 chimed in, hoping to raise an interesting fan debate. Cal slammed his fist down on the table, irritated.
"You are all such FOOLS!" he bellowed, standing up. "ALL I WANTED TO TALK ABOUT WAS RECYCLING, BUT YOU ALL HAD TO GO AND TRY MY PATIENCE UP TO THE POINT WHERE I'M TEMPTED TO JUST END IT ALL NOW! THANKS A FRICKING LOT FOR THAT, YOU CREEPS!" Standing up, he overthrew his chair, smashing the window in the process, and jumped out, landing in a bush underneath.
"YOU'RE NOT SEEING THIS FACE AGAIN!" he screamed in frustration, before climbing up a tree in the courtyard and disappearing from view.
Emiri joyfully sprang up from her seat and skipped away from the scene, happy that the meeting hadn't dragged on for too long that day. Most days Cal just did the polite thing and took his meds.
"Now we're only five minutes away from our glory date, honey," giggled Emiri to herself, taking out her little hand-mirror once again.
And it was around this time, fate decided to be a bitch and place two crack-writers in charge of canon plot (that said, they were already sort of in charge from the beginning). And so, unwillingly, two people with completely… strangely… similar personalities were plucked from their ordinary, boring, self-absorbed lives, and…
"OUCH! WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING! YOU'RE BLOCKING MY DAMN LIGHT!"
Emiri looked up and saw… Well, obviously, a girl who wasn't AS PRETTY as her, but still strikingly beautiful.
And very pissed off.
"Oh, my." Then Emiri came to the realisation of the situation and shot to her feet. "HEY, I SHOULD BE THE ONE YELLING AT YOU! WHAT IF MY BEAUTIFUL FACE IS RUINED, HUH? You'll be getting a call from my hitman!"
"YOU ran into ME!" Sasaki yelled, balling her fists. Then something caught her eye.
"…Wow… Your eyes sure are… reflective…" Sasaki breathed, drawn to Emiri's shining orbs. Emiri nodded dreamily, captured by Sasaki's own eyes.
"Uh huh… It's all thanks to KyoAni and their love for shiny eyes…" Emiri replied, eyes never leaving the reflection of herself inside of Sasaki's irises.
And so, in the midst of all the crazy shit that happens in these cliché love stories…
"Lets be best friends forever," gushed Sasaki, taking hold of Emiri's hands the way any straight girl would obviously do. Emiri nodded, still mesmerized by the eyes.
"…Yeah, sure… Would you mind moving to the side? I need to fix my hair slides…"
AUTUMN
…Does the narrator even have to explain how annoying a narcissist ex-god and a bimbo alien are when they're constantly spending time together JUST because they can see their own reflections in each other's eyes?
Trust the narrator on this one. It's very annoying.
"Oh, Emiri," sighed Sasaki, caressing Emiri's supple shoulders sexily. "Remember when we were ugly?"
Emiri turned around, arching one perfectly plucked eyebrow.
"…Never?" Sasaki cracked a devilish grin.
"Exactly~." Both gave the other knowing smiles and cascaded into laughter.
"How long are you guys gonna keep this up?" Ryouko asked, wrinkling her nose in distaste. She, among the other chicks in Kyon's harem, had slowly began to grow sick of the constant swooning every time they looked at a mirror, and the gushing over themselves, and the talking and giggling and trying to out-brag each other.
It was getting somewhat old by this point.
"Come on, Emiri, darling," sniffed Sasaki, watching Ryouko with a look of pure loathing in her eyes, "It seems that we're not wanted here."
"How could we not be wanted?" cried Emiri in shock. "We're gorgeous!"
"I know, I know," sighed Sasaki. She huffed and pointedly stabbed her finger in Ryouko's direction. "Well, we don't want to hang around with her anyway. We don't want to catch her Yandere."
Ryouko looked hurt.
"Hey, now that's impolite," she said, lip trembling. "Just because I'm not a groomed princess who always carries around a mirror like it's my life-preserver…" She let an eerie smile cross her face as she pulled out something long and sharp.
…No, it was NOT Taniguchi's penis. So stop asking!
"…Who needs mirrors when I've got you, Knify?"
AT THE PARK
"Oh baby I surrender to the strawberry ice-creams, never never ending all this love~" Chanted Emiri, clutching her waffle cone with the enthusiasm of a child on Christmas morning.
"Emiri?"
"Yes?"
"…Just shut up and eat yer damn ice-cream."
Emiri curiously licked at her ice-cream, studying Sasaki's creamy complexion. Ah, how lucky I am to have found her, she thought to herself dreamily. After all, one person's pair of eyes is another person's mirror. Right?
"My dearest Sasaki… When was it that you realised you were your own soul mate?" Emiri asked, watching her own perfect face through Sasaki's eyes. Sasaki cocked her head to one side.
"Well, I suppose it was when I first looked into those wonderful pale blue orbs of yours and saw my magnificent reflection," she explained innocently. "How about you, my darling?"
"Oh, that's simple. I was always Big Daddy's favourite - Big Daddy is a cute little nickname I like to give The Integrated Data Entity; his other nickname is Puppet Master, but that's only when he's punishing me. Anyway~" She flicked back a strand of her perfect seaweed hair. "I never used to believe in myself - I used to be really shy, you know! But one day, in maths class, we were studying symmetry… As I picked up my mirror, I caught sight of my reflection and I couldn't stop staring." She beamed. "It feels so good knowing that there's someone out there who feels the same way that I do…"
Sasaki suddenly frowned. Was she imagining things when she saw the bush over there rustle suspiciously?
Shrugging off the feeling of being stalked, Sasaki returned her attention back to her ice-cream (banana and fudge, if you must know). But seconds later, there it was again. The feeling of being watched.
When she looked up she found not only had she been right, but there were in fact six people watching her, and were actually stood beside them. She jumped half a mile."J-J-Jeez!" She squawked. "When did you guys get here?"
Kyouko, Fujiwara, Kuyou, Yuki, Ryouko and, for some reason, The Computer Club President, were stood before them, all with the same expression on their faces: The "I've been through shit today, kiddos, so don't even think about making this harder then it has to be" face.
"H-H-Hey, guys," Emiri said, grinning cheesily. "What's hanging on the grapevine?" Ryouko took a step forward.
"Emiri. Sasaki. I'm gonna be blunt here." She looked straight into their eyes.
"We're gonna separate the two of you, and if you get the hell near each other again there's gonna be a shitload of trouble. You got that?" She reached for her most trusted companion. "And if you don't… Well, I'm sure Knify will be able to teach the two of you a lesson." She turned to her blade. "Isn't that right, Knify?""Uh-huh," Ryouko replied in a poor imitation of the kitchen utensil's voice.
Emiri was the first to react, beginning to blubber hysterically."B-B-B-B-B-But I d-d-d-d-don't want to l-l-leave Sasaki!" she wailed, noisily slurping her ice-cream in between heart-broken sobs.
TCCP began to scribble down something in a small notebook. Sasaki eyed it warily.
"What's that?" She asked. He looked down.
"Oh, this? I'm recording events. You see, the thing is, I'm writing a forbidden romance novel - and, you know, I want to make everything as real as possible…-"
Already bored, Kuyou snatched the notebook from TCCP's hands and ate it. He fell to his knees dramatically, screaming to the heavens.
"WHYYYY? MY TARNISHED DREAMS!"
Sniffling, he pointed a shaking finger to Kuyou, who was having extreme difficulty chewing through the leather cover.
"YOU…! YOU KILLED FORBIDDEN FRUIT!" She eyed him, wrinkling her nose at the title.
"Forbidden Fruit? Come on, _ man. You could've come up _ with something better _ then that."
"WELL IT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER NOW, DOES IT?" He wailed, curling up in the foetal position. "BECAUSE NOW MY STORY OF FORBIDDEN ROMANCE WILL NEVER TAKE FLIGHT AND I WILL NEVER GET A BETTER JOB THEN A CRUMMY COMPUTER TECHNICIAN GUY, FOREVER WORKING AT THIS SCHOOL TO FULFILL THIS EMPTY LIFE I AM LIVING! AND IT'S ALL BECAUSE YOU ATE MY NOTEBOOK!"
MOVING RIGHT ALONG…
"Come on, now, you're coming with me," Ryouko said firmly, dragging Emiri away from the bench she knew now was the most lust worthy bench in all the world.
"Nooooo!" wailed Emiri, reaching out desperately to grasp Sasaki's hand, who was also being forcefully pulled away by Fujiwara and Kyouko. She dropped her strawberry ice-cream and began to cry."Emiri~!"
"Sasaki~!"
"Emiriiii!"
"Sasakiiii!"
"EMIRI!"
"SASA-!" Yuki slapped her across the back of the head.
"Shut up, cracka be givin' Yuki a headache," Yuki deadpanned, reverting to her gangster side.
Sobbing and weeping like upset children, the two were pulled away by their respective colleagues, their cries painful to hear.
And of course, we know how this goes now, don't we? Because the canon couples can never be away from one another. Separate Kyon and Haruhi? You might as well die. Separate Ed and Winry? You get wrench'd. Separate Naru and Keitaro? Foot-in-the-face.
And, of course, our darling Emiri and dear Sasaki are no exception.
"I'LL NEVER FORGIVE YOU!" Screamed Sasaki, shaking her waffle cone threateningly at the people pulling her sweetheart away. "NEVER!"
"I NEED YOU, SASAKI!" Wailed Emiri, snivelling.
And so our two heroines were dragged away, clawing at the ground and yelling death-threats at the other's respective kidnappers.
"YOU'RE SO UGLY!""KYON WILL NEVER WANT YOU!"
"ANYONE HEAR THE EIGHTIES CALLING? THEY WANT THEIR CHEAP-ASS CLOTHES BACK!"
"I HATE YOU, YOU UBER-BITCHES!"
"…Can I have another ice-cream?"
"NO!"
WINTER
"Come on, Sasaki… Put down that tub of Ben & Jerry's and lets get going to school."
"I'M NOT GOING!" Shrieked a pudgy mess sprawled on the sofa of the top-secret headquarters belonging to the Anti-SOS Brigade. Sasaki greedily slurped up another spoonful of the cookie-dough ice-cream, but still the empty ache in her heart was there.
"I HAD NEVER BEEN SO BEAUTIFUL AS I APPEARED IN EMIRI'S EYES," she sobbed, pulling a blanket over her head. "IF I'M NOT THAT BEAUTIFUL EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE I REFUSE TO STEP OUTSIDE!"
Fujiwara groaned inwardly - last night after Kuyou had finally coughed up that seagull she'd swallowed last week he'd spent the past six hours waiting in the emergency room, so after having not a wink of sleep the last thing he needed was a fat Sasaki trying his patience.
"Sasaki, you've kept this up for nine weeks now," he said, seething. "Do the world a favour and either get off your lazy ass and move on or just end it all to save me the hassle of having to pay for all the takeaways." Sasaki pouted, puffy eyes narrowing as she eyed him through the blanket.
"WELL FORGIVE ME FOR BEING HEARTBROKEN OVER THE LOSS OF THE BEST THING THAT'S EVER HAPPENED TO ME!" she shrieked, throwing her Ben & Jerry's at him. Fujiwara ducked and stared at the carton as it smushed against the wall. He grunted in frustration - now he'd have to clean it up later. He would put Kyouko in charge of it… But after the last time when she tried to drink from the bucket of murky cheese-water he didn't trust her on cleaning duty.
"SASAKI. YOU'RE GOING TO SCHOOL. FRICKING NOW."
"NO!" She snapped, clinging to the sofa as he grabbed a hold of her legs.
"SASAKI, GET YOUR LAZY ASS OFF THIS SOFA AND GO TO SCHOOL!""LET GO OF ME, YOU FRICKING PERVERT!"
"GET UP!""NO! FRIENDS IS STARTING!"
And so the battle commenced.
MEANWHILE…
Ryouko skipped into school, in a happier mood then usual. She'd just found a great new part-time job - working with Taniguchi in his hitman business."The pay's not too good, but that's all right. Just the satisfaction of being able to cut people up…" She stopped and stared at everybody's favourite seaweed-haired high school girl.
"Emiri… Why are you wearing your pyjamas again?" she groaned. "I thought I made it clear that you were supposed to get dressed before coming to school!""What's the point?" Emiri sobbed, scrubbing at mascara-smudged cheeks. "I looked absolutely beautiful in Sasaki's orbs. Without Sasaki, I am absolutely hideous!" She dramatically fell to the floor, wailing and burying her head in her hands. Ryouko felt that awkward vein pop out on her forehead again."Emiri," she said through gritted teeth, "it's been nine weeks. Get over it."
"NEVER!" Emiri shouted, springing to her feet. "I COULD NEVER FORGET SASAKI! How could you SAY THAT, Ryouko?"
The blunette glared at Emiri.
"I KNOW HOW IT FEELS, YOU KNOW. TO DITCH YOUR BEST FRIEND." Emiri stopped crying like a spoilt bitch for a second and blinked.
"…Y-You do?" Ryouko nodded, lighting a cigarette.
"Of course. We've all been there. When I was first created, Big Daddy gave me my first knife. It was a rare breed of knife, the Norwegian Yandere 360 - so small even Peter Pan would laugh at it. But it was shiny, and very sharp. It could slice through just about anything. And it was my first friend."
…SOME TIME AGO…
"Come on, Sharpie," laughed small Ryouko, watching with joy as her knife bounced along beside her like Turnip Head.
Ah, how lucky I am to have someone like Sharpie by my side, she said to herself, smiling blissfully. Then she let a creepy smile cross her face.
The things I can do with Sharpie beside me…
BACK TO THE PRESENT
"So what happened to Sharpie?" asked Emiri, wide-eyed and curious. Ryouko's face darkened.
"That whore we like to call Haruhi Suzumiya."
AAAND, BACK TO THE FLASHBACK AGAIN…
"Unhhhh," young Haruhi Suzumiya sighed to herself. "Honestly… I wish I had something to do. I'm so bored!"
Rolling over, the small girl spotted something beside her. A…magazine?"DAD, WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT LEAVING YOUR PORN LYING AROUND?" she yelled.
"…SORRY ABOUT THAT," her unnamed father replied. "I'LL PUT IT BACK IN THE TRUNK LATER!"
Grumbling under her breath, Haruhi threw the magazine to one side and then saw something advertised on the back cover that intrigued her.
"…Norwegian Yandere 360?" she read out loud, confused. Then she laughed harshly. "Ha! That knife's the puniest thing I've ever seen!" Then, as an afterthought, she added, "It might as well not exist."
SOMEWHERE FAR AWAY
And there Ryouko was, playing innocently the entire time, and suddenly, Sharpie exploded. All that was left was silver ash and dried blood from its recent victims.
"WHA-? NO! NO, NO, NO! SHARPIE! WHAT HAPPENED?" Ryouko clawed at the dust, wailing in agony.
"SHAAAAAAAARPIEEEEEEEEE!"
BACK TO THE PRESENT
"It tore me apart," Ryouko said bitterly, clenching her fists. She could still hear that comforting sound Sharpie made when it crossed paths with someone's warm, tender flesh. "But you have to get over these things. IT'S LIFE."
She reached for Knify and gently stroked its less dangerous side.
"But don't worry, Knify. I love you and Sharpie as equals."
"AGH! IT'S NO USE TALKING TO YOU PEOPLE! I'M LEAVING!" Emiri screamed, stomping away like a toddler after throwing a tantrum.
Storming through the streets of Tokyo, Emiri Kimidori was in a rage. Stamping on coins littering the sidewalk, kicking stray dogs out of her way, swigging from a bottle of whiskey she found in someone's doorway… Yes, the shy and sweet seaweed-haired girl we all used to know and love had long gone - replaced by an angry bimbo out for revenge.
"Why doesn't anyone understand me?" she spat, angrily stomping down the road.
"…IS THAT YOU, EMIRI?" Emiri stopped dead in her tracks. Up ahead of her, a small tubby figure in the distance was waving an ice-cream cone madly.
There's only one person I know who wields an ice-cream cone like that, Emiri realised, spirits lifting.
"SASAKI! MY GURL!" The world around them expanded suddenly, sidewalks becoming grass, skyscrapers turning into giant sunflowers.
"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?" Sasaki yelped, peering around."I ALTERED THE DATA SPACE! NOW WE CAN HAVE A STYLISH REUNION RATHER THEN IN THESE DINGY STREETS!"
Absent-mindedly Sasaki discarded her ice-cream cone, running in slow-motion towards Emiri.
"EMIRI~!""SASAKI~!"
The two ran to each other, tears shamelessly flowing as they passionately embraced.
"Oh, Emiri," Sasaki blubbed. "P-P-Please, show me your eyes!""O-Only if you show me y-yours, Sasaki," Emiri answered, tears dripping down her apple-pie cheeks. Sasaki nodded.
"I'm never letting you go, darling," she whispered, admiring her reflection in Emiri's eyes. Her mouth fell open in horror. "Oh my… I look…""Disgusting? Slobby? Fat?" Emiri put in helpfully. Sasaki's eyes narrowed.
"…Watch it, missy."
SPRING
"…Should we really let this happen a second time?" Ryouko asked disapprovingly, watching Sasaki and Emiri enjoying a vanilla milkshake at the Milkshake Parlour through the bushes outside.
"Unless you wanna keep going with what happened when we separated them before, I'd just let them have this little romance and get it over with," Fujiwara shot back, slurping a chocolate milkshake loudly.
Ryouko rolled her eyes and turned to the Computer Club President, who was vividly scribbling down the scene before them."And what should we do about him?" Fujiwara shrugged, watching as Kyouko body-slammed Kuyou from the corner of his eye.
"…Just let him write his fricking novel. It's hardly gonna kill anybody."
INSIDE…
Sasaki sighed dreamily, sucking the milkshake they were sharing through a stripy straw.
"…Aren't we lucky we found each other?" she sighed, smacking her lips together. Emiri nodded blissfully.
"Of course, Sasaki's Eyes."
"…And I thought for a second there you were talking about me."The two laughed awkwardly.
"My one true love is myself, and always will be myself, Sasaki… But we can still be friends." Emiri and Sasaki beamed.
"Sounds like a plan."
A/N: Ahh, so, it's done. Sorry it's quite short, and also, if the ending was too sappy, I'm sorry about that too. ^^'' I just thought a happy ending was needed, cause, well, there aren't many (if any) fics where either Sasaki or Emiri get happy endings.
So, I really hope that you'll enjoy this, Super :3 Sasaki and Emiri love you all!
Emiri: …But not as much as I love myself.
Sasaki: …Indeed.