This is my first story for Knigdom Hearts, so reveiw and enjoy!
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Roxas groaned. He hated cooking. Xemnas had changed his own name on the chore wheel to Roxas' for 'his own good'.
Own good my ass… Probably just wants to spent more time with his precious Kingdom Hearts… Roxas frowned and bent down to the press to get all the cooking ingredients.
A thought hit him. He couldn't cook, let alone even being allowed to be in the kitchen.
Roxas sighed. What should he make? Something simple. And didn't involve too much work.
Maybe he should just give everyone Sea-Salt ice cream. It was his favourite, and everyone else seemed to like it too.
Yes, because everyone likes sea-salt ice cream for breakfast, lunch and dinner Roxas, you idiot.
Roxas pondered. Maybe he could steal someone else's food ideas?
Number I, Xemnas, The Superior, could not cook to save Kingdom Hearts. He couldn't even make toast, let alone know what a toaster is. So maybe it was a good thing that Xemnas changed his name to Roxas's. And than there was that time when Xemnas tried to make soup. That went out the window (Literally).
Roxas decided not to pull off Superior's cooking style.
Number II, Xigbar, was King of the microwave… and the barbeque. Anything that was microwaveable was sent to Xigbar. But, when it came to the oven… Well, let's just say it involves Axel, Demyx's water clones, a chicken, Larxene's bra and Xigbar's sharp shooters. It was... unpleasant for everyone to say the least. Xigbar's meals consisted of Microwave meals, and, if you were lucky and you convinced Demyx to make it stop raining in The World That Never Was, you might get burgers, sausages, chicken legs or… microwave meals. Xigbar was one lazy ass when it came to cooking.
Roxas glanced at the microwave. It looked as if it was ready to bite him and then replace him in the organization. Roxas decided he should firstly stop reading Zexion's weird books and secondly, he wasn't going to let some microwave out-rank him!
Maybe Xigbar's cooking style didn't suit him.
Xaldin, Number III, was the Over-Lord-Supreme-Dictator-God-of-The-Kitchen-of-Empty-Stomachs (Thanks to Luxord for that one). Maybe it was because he needed a hobby, or had the tendency to stab things uncontrollably, or maybe he was slowly poisoning them all… Whatever the reason was, Xaldin was the best cook in the Organization. Hands down. Roxas would eat anything that weirdo made and ask for seconds. You might think Xaldin would stab you if you asked for more, the truth was, everyone believed that at first and it wasn't until Larxene came along and asked for some more. She did in fact get more and now was the apple of Xaldins' eyes. Larxene now got the best of Xaldin's meals because she was A) Under Xaldin's training course and B) needed 'fatting up' because she was 'only sink and bones'. Roxas wanted seconds but when he asked all he got was 'Oh, you liked that now? I should put it on a list saying things that Roxas actually eats' add laughter from the whole Organization and you got a very embarrassed Roxas.
Roxas never asked for seconds again after that.
Xaldin made roasts usually, on a good day though, he'd make chicken paprika. Mmmm… Chicken paprika. Roxas loved chicken paprikas.
And to top it all off, Xaldin made pudding. Not the shit kind, the proper ohmygodthisisheavenchocolatefudgeohmygodcake cake. Roxas would gladly take a keybalde to the chest and listen to one of Xemnas rants about Kingdom Hearts if it meant he got one of Xaldins puddings.
But Xaldins meals involved a lot stabbing and complicated recipes. Roxas decided he'd go for something else.
Number IV, Vexen, was banned from the kitchen ever since that potted plant started talking. Vexen could cook though, if you gave him very clear instructions about what to do. If you didn't… Well, that's why the plant started talking.
Anyway, no one ate what Vexen made, as Axel so plainly put it ('There is no way in Hell am I eating what that weirdo makes!')
Also there was a chance that Vexen might of…um... 'Accidentally' put one of his potions into your food or drink. You always found out the hard way if that happened.
Always.
Anyway the only food Vexen liked was ice cream. And cold pizza.
Eww.
Maybe the whole 'give-everyone-Sea-Salt-ice-cream' was a bad idea.
Lexeaus, Number V, (To everyone's surprise- or as close as Nobodies could get to 'surprise') was. A. Huge. Health. Freak. And Roxas did not enjoy eating what he assumed to be rabbit food. Roxas was sure, if Lexeaus could, he would make them all go out on jogs every morning around who-knows-where.
Roxas shuddered at that thought. If he had a heart, he would hate mornings. And muesli. Roxas hated muesli as much as he could in his non-existent life.
But, back to the point, Lexeaus only made healthy foods, such as salads and those health shakes. Ugh.
In everyone's defence, they all blamed Larxene, she should have never of mocked the hero about his build. Now them all had to suffer.
Curse her.
Roxas would definitely not go with number V's cooking style.
Number VI, Zexion, to everyone's (non)surprise, had a huge sweet tooth. He'd make muffins, cakes, cookies, biscuits or anything that tickled his fancy really. Only problem was; Zexion didn't know how to make any proper food.
So Zexion did the next best thing.
Zexion made,
Wait fot it..
Wait for itttttttt....
Zexion made Sandwiches.
He made everyone sandwiches, morning, noon and night. For every-frigging-MEAL. When Zexion's month of cooking was over, everyone was sick to death of sandwiches.(1) In fact, Xaldin went as far as banning the word, if you did mention 'sandwiches' in Xaldin's presence, you were a dead nobody walking. And you'd get stabbed at more than once.
Roxas shuddered; he never wanted to see another sandwich again in his non-life.
Roxas was so not going with Zexion's cooking style; it would only hurt him in the long run.
Saix, Number VII, second-in-command, crazy-ass-bitch-with-no-sense-of-humour, could-go-berserk-on-your-ass-any-second, major suck-up, the-moon-loving-freak… Well, let's say that Saix meals were more… fresh to say the least.
Roxas was still pretty sure that was Bambi's mother, even though Marluxia had covered his eyes. Thank God for the pink-haired man, he saved Roxas from a lot of sleepless nights.
He remembered seeing Saix's teeth covered in blood as well as his face. Roxas also remembered hearing Demyx cry out, 'MEAT COMES FROM ANIMALS!?!?', Axel ran to the bathroom, and than threw up noisily, Lexeaus cried, for he loved Bambi and vowed to get Saix back, Xigbar passed out from mortal revulsion. Larxene laughed hysterically, but everyone knew she cried that night, Zexion had the pleasure of not knowing what the hell Bambi was, because Lexeaus never showed him the movie, but also pointed out it was still warm. Which lead to Demyx wailing, 'OHMYGOD You-you... YOU EVIL SON-OF-A-BITCH! That's Bambi's mom! And she's still waaarmmm!!'
Saix than pointed out in could have been any deer, couldn't be sure.
Demyx wailed even louder than.
Luxord, being the gentleman that he is, quietly excused himself and booked them all therapy.
And… well, I think that enough for the subject now.
Bambi's mother was now buried in The Garden of Famine and Blight(2), legs sticking out. A very sad day for everyone, but that's another story.
Axel, Number VIII, had a very unique way of cooking. 'Unique' by burning everything in sight. Monday? Ashes. Tuesday? Ashes. Wednesday? Ash casserole. Thursday? Ash soup. Friday?
You get the picture.
Number IX, Demyx, had enough sense to realise he wasn't going to be any good at cooking. Although, on the first night they had 'Miso' soup, which, now Roxas thought about it, tasted strangely like water.
Demyx got take-away food. Chinese food from the land of Dragons, Indian food form Agrabah, Seafood from Atlantica, McDonalds from Twilight Town and Italian food from that place with all the dogs. Yes, Demyx's food was the best. It was greasy goodness warped up in a brown paper bag.
Maybe Roxas should copy Demyx's take-out style. Or maybe not, Roxas didn't have a lot of munny on him to buy all that crap. Anyway, Roxas didn't even know any fast-food places.
Luxord, Number X, made greasy British food. Like everything else Luxord did, it was a 50/50 chance. When he won, Luxord won. The others sorely regretted it when he lost though. What Luxord made had pretty weird names though, like 'Bangers and Mash', 'Toad-in-hole', 'Bubble and Squeak' and most of the time he put rum in instead.
Luxord didn't do lunch; he said 'lunch was only for posh people'.
Marluxia than pointed out than they lived in a castle, and that they have their own world. So didn't that make them 'posh'?
The reply was 'Shut up.'
So, instead of lunch, they had something called 'tea time'. In which Luxord drank tea (read: rum) and ate cake. Even though Luxord had many weird names for his main-meals, his deserts ('No, no Roxas, puddings.') had straightforward names such as, 'Jam roly-poly', 'Treacle pudding' and 'Sherry Trifle'. The sherry was rum.
Roxas thought best if he left Luxord's food to Luxord.
Number XI, Marluxia, grew all his meals. He made salads, fruit salads, vegetable soups and veggie burgers. Nobody wanted to see meat after the whole 'Bambi' incident; so Marluxia's vegetables were welcomed without a second thought.
But Roxas hated anything green, or healthy for that matter. So Marluxia's cooking style was out the window.
Larxene, Number XII, got the month of December for her meals. Larxene's meals consisted of diet pills and TV dinners. When asked if she would make a Christmas dinner for, well, Christmas. The answer was, 'Shaddup and end your damn TV dinner, you're lucky I even MADE that.'
There was only two upsides to Larxene's dinners, 1) They got to eat in front of the TV and 2) They kept in shape during Christmas. And we all know how hard it is to keep our shapes during Christmas.
But Larxene did make a big Christmas dinner. It was nice, everyone was got so wasted that they forgot that they didn't have hearts and were happy. Someone spiked the eggnog, so Zexion got completely out of it. Roxas smiled fondly, Zexion started singing 'Gay Boyfriend'. Demyx and Larxene started saying that they and Roxas were brothers and sister, and Vexen was their dad. Happy, happy times.
But Roxas hated those diet pills., and who knows where Larxene put them. So he couldn't copy Larxene.
Roxas frowned; he still didn't have anything to cook! He sighed and was about to reach to the freezer to get the sea-salt ice creams out when...
"Number XIII, have you started dinner yet?"
Roxas spun around; it was only the loveable crazy hobo that lived down in the lab, Vexen. Roxas could hear the sounds of angels singing.... Or mayb it was just Demyx.
Roxas smiled, now was his chance, "But I thought it was your go to make dinner, Vexen, I was looking for you."
Vexen's eyebrow went up, "I'm not allowed to cook dinner, remember?"
"But the superior said you were allowed back! And it's your go now."
Vexen frowned, "Really…?" He suddenly smiled, "Well, I'd better get started than, shouldn't I?"
Roxas knew that look Vexen had on; he really shouldn't be doing this. He really shouldn't.
But it was worth it.
Too bad for the poor guy who was going to get tested on.
Roxas practically skipped out of the kitchen, "See ya Vexen~!"
Vexen was mumbling to himself, he took a beaker out of his pocket, '…and than I can get that idiotic, Oh, farewell number XIII… yes, this'll get him good…"
Roxas ran down the hall, where was Axel? Oh, and he'd better warn as much people as he could.
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Well, I hope you enjoyed that. So now you must review!
(1) They all have their own months to cook dinner, eg Zexion's month is June, Demyx's moth is September.
(2) Well, they couldn't of buried Bambi's mon in Marluxia's garden, could they?