Cold. So fucking cold. I don't like this. Not one bit. What happened? Why am I so bloody cold? In fact, where am I? Really don't like this. At least I'm not dead. It hurts too much. Not supposed to feel pain when you're dead. Can't open my eyes. Shit! Oh shit, shit, shit. I can't move. Fuck! Oh fuck that hurts. Where is that? Arm? Shoulder? No. Chest and Stomach. And Head. Thinking too much. Gotta stop thinking...
...Pain. Shaking myself awake. Can't stop thinking. I might sleep. That's bad. Might never wake up. Try again. Can't move. Fuck. Pain. A lot. And Cold. So fucking cold. Why am I cold? I've asked that before. Didn't get an answer. No one else fucking here is there? Ow. Laughing really hurts. Even sarcastic laughing. And Breathing. Fuck. I suddenly remember. I was in the car. Driving. Carefully as well. Well carefully for me. I mean there was. Ouch. There was snow and ice. The tree. I hit a tree. Explains the pain. I can hear glass crunching and grinding when I try to move. Not sure if I'm actually moving. Hurts enough. Except my legs. Can't feel them. Panic then. Sheer Panic. I know why I can't move.
What about him? No. No. Calm down. He wasn't in the car. I was gonna pick him up. Driving back from Hereford. Go to that horror film. What a way to spend Halloween. I'm not stupid. I know I'm not gonna make it. Its gotta be in the minus degrees out here. I can't move. Probably won't again even if I do make it. Definitely bleeding from somewhere, have to be. Broken ribs, something wrong with the lower spine. Not gonna think about that. Can't believe I'm being so bloody calm about this. Ha. I'm getting sleepy. And I know this is it. Go to sleep now and I'm not waking up. This godforsaken piece of road is gonna be the last thing I see. Or it would be if I had the energy to open my eyes. In the middle of nowhere. Not gonna be found for ages. Coughing. Hurts like fuck. S'pose I would be coughing. Its cold and icy. Damp as well. How long have I been here? Eternity. Feels like it anyway. Can't remember this morning. Can't remember what I was doing in Hereford either. Oh yeah. Cowley. He sent me on a job. Watchdog.
Some one should tell Cowley he's gonna be a man down tonight.
Some one should tell the poor bugger sitting at home waiting for me too pick him up too. There's gotta be some bird he can take.
Or another guy from work.
Wonder if I have my R/T.
I feel around.
Nah. That'd be too easy wouldn't it? Oh god that hurt.
Did I put the tracer on in the car?
Nah. Probably not.
Never really do.
Cowley hates that.
Partner keeps telling me off as well.
Sorry Mate. Going to the movies on your own tonight.
Where are you?
I'm off. I can tell.
I'm scared now.
Don't like this at all.
Why is it so bloody cold? Oh the snow. Right.
Where's my bloody partner when I need him?
I can hear a chopper.
Its landed somewhere nearby.
Hurried and frantic words.
Footsteps running on tarmac towards me.
Too little, too late boys.
I smile.
And give up.
The party mood is gone as soon as I get the call. I only remember bits of it. Car hasn't moved for half an hour. Secluded road. No reason to stop. Cowley phoned himself. That's always bad. I look out the car window. Is it snowing out near Hereford? He's gonna be so cold. Want to know what happened. Car crash? Ambush? I mean the tracer was on. Not something he normally does. I'm always having a go at him for it. With a start I realise I'm at the chopper pad. Cowley greets me gravely and we climb in along with a medic. He tells me that he phoned an ambulance, but apparently all the ones in Hereford are out. Been a lot of injuries, the snow hit them pretty hard. So he borrowed a helicopter from London Ambulance Service. And a paramedic. I look across at the old man. I'm struck by how old he actually looks. He always takes it bad when his men are in danger. Doesn't let it show of course. But you can tell. He knows better than to tell me I can't come. He knows I'd just find another way. I almost grin at the memory of the countless times I've refused to back off a case after my idiot of a partner went and got himself hurt. Almost grin. I can't quite muster it up. What a way to spend halloween.
I look out the window. My eyes widen and Cowley must have seen because he taps the pilot on the shoulder and points to where I'm staring. The Capri is a write off. I can see that from how ever high we are. It's buckled round a tree. As we circle, looking for a landing place, I can see the windscreens gone. Little shards poke from the corners. We are low enough to see the damage to the drivers seat. My heart skips a beat as I realise that he isn't in the car. Maybe, just maybe he's gotten out and walked somewhere. I turn my head slightly and realise I was wrong. Cowley sees at the same time A dark, human shaped silhouette in the snow. Unmoving. No response to the helicopter. I swallow apprehensively and Cowley puts a hand on my shoulder. For some reason this makes me feel worse.
As soon as the copter touches down I'm wrestling open the doors. I jump to the ground and I'm running towards him, feet hammering on the frozen tarmac. I skid down next to him. He's pale, too pale. He's been out here too long. I shiver involuntarily as I reach out to turn him over. The paramedic barks at me to stop. Could have spinal injuries. Of course. What was I thinking? I look around. I'm closer to the car now and I can see blood glistening on the remnants of the windscreen. There's blood on a nearby tree too. A great big oak tree. I feel sick to my stomach as I imagine him hitting that. I look hurriedly away, back at him, but images keep coming. Cowley and the paramedic are bent over him, someone has his hands at my mates neck.
Found a pulse.
Upon hearing those words I hear the rush of blood in my ears and I know I'm about to pass out. I'm vaguely aware of Cowley coming towards me. His voice distantly saying my name and someone catching me as I fall
I wake up in a hospital bed. For a split second I am really, really confused. Then I remember. Everything. I try to sit up but the room won't stop spinning. I heave and chuck up into the bowl that some nurse has put by the bed for me. A nurse bustles over and helps me to sit up on the pillow. I try to ask after him but she ignores me. It occurs to me that I'm probably not making much sense at the minute. Images jump at me. The car. The tree. My partner lying there, motionless and pale. The last thing I remember is someone, the paramedic, saying he'd found a pulse. I remember Cowley moving quickly towards me Then I passed out. I assume Cowley caught me and got me into the air ambulance. They must have taken us to the same hospital. I wonder if he's ok. He should be out of theatre soon right? How long have I been out for? Can't answer that.
I see movement out of the corner of my eye. Cowley is standing in the doorway. He comes further into the room. And again I'm struck by how old he looks. He clearly hasn't slept. I don't think he ever does when something happens to one of his lads. Specially this bad. He's watching me. I'm not sure what that expression really is. Concern? Sadness? I'm not sure I want to know. But there is something I have to know. I'm terrified but I have to know.
"Bodie?" I croak.
He doesn't answer.
Oh God, he can't answer.
Eventually he slowly shakes his head.
"Sorry laddie" he says. "I'm so sorry."