Note: Just some angst inspired by my recent rewatch of 2x04 'Partners'...
{*****}
I stay inside my bed.
I have lived so many lives, all in my head.
And don't tell me that you care -
there really isn't anything, now, is there?
You would know, wouldn't you?
You extend your hand to those who suffer,
to those who know what it really feels like,
to those who've had a taste -
like that means something...
Nine Inch Nails, I Do Not Want This
{*****}
It isn't right. It isn't fair. And every last bit of it is her own damn fault...
The words ricochet around Alex's skull as she watches Nikita bolt into the forest with Michael. She can't scream, can't cry, can't do anything that might tell Roan Nikita was there, and everything she can't give voice to settles behind her eyes to become a dull, rusty throbbing in her head - but even that's nothing compared to the stabbing pain in her chest.
It feels like tiny, jagged shards moving around inside her, and she wonders for a moment if maybe she broke a rib or something and didn't know it - it's really just her heart breaking, though, as her one last chance to save herself fades into nothingness. The anger she's held on to so tightly fades away with it, leaving only regret, and sadness, and a soul-deep weariness she's certain will never go away.
She sleeps through the flight back to New York, and even the drive to New Jersey, too tired to feel the expected panic at suddenly finding herself on Gogol's radar. Part of her knows that Oversight will rally every Division resource to protect her - she's their only hope of getting the black box they're so obsessed with, after all - but the larger part of her is just too numb to care.
The numbness - carefully masked by a mixture of fake anger and very real jet lag - holds steady until the moment she finds herself staring into Amanda's oh-so-anxious eyes as Amanda promises to keep her safe. The words are exactly what Alex is so very desperate to hear, but they're wrong, all wrong, and she finally just breaks the way she couldn't allow herself to in Turkey.
Amanda, suddenly all sweet words and reassuring touches, hastens to comfort her - Alex knows it's just honey meant to hide the taste of poison, but she can't bring herself to push Amanda away. The fact that Amanda has apparently switched perfume sometime in the last few weeks only confirms that Alex is about to walk into one of her carefully crafted traps - why else would Amanda start wearing Nikita's perfume? - but Alex has already moved beyond any ability to care.
Giving herself to Amanda is an act of despair and self-loathing rather than passion - God knows Alex has never claimed to hold any real desire or even affection for her - but Amanda doesn't seem to mind. If anything, she seems to feed on Alex's mute rage and helpless tears, pushing harder and faster as if she wants more of them - and Alex, for all her defiance, can't keep from obliging.
What finally shatters Alex completely is the too-familiar feel of Amanda's fingers inside her - it confirms a thousand suspicions Alex has harbored about Amanda and Nikita, but never had the courage to verify. Hitting rock bottom somehow lets Alex rally a little, though, and she's able to cling to the thought of Nikita long enough for one final act of defiance - it's Nikita's name, not Amanda's, that crosses Alex's lips as she comes.
Amanda seems amused rather than angry or insulted, but Alex just doesn't have the energy to worry about it like she should - if she did, she'd just get up and leave Amanda there to fume, untouched and unsatisfied. Instead, she does the smart thing for probably the first time that day - she makes herself reciprocate Amanda's attentions when all she wants to do is run, retreating into her memories so that she can pretend it's Nikita there with her instead.
Amanda, blue eyes both smug and triumphant, keeps shattering the illusion on purpose in what Alex can only interpret as a bit of petty revenge, but Alex manages to please her well enough. The real punishment for Alex's defiance doesn't happen until later, anyway - after Alex has escaped Amanda's office and taken refuge in the recruit dormitories - and it's both as clever and as vicious as the woman orchestrating it.
Alex, huddling into herself as she lays crying on the narrow recruit cot, tries to conjure up Nikita's face as she breathes in the last lingering traces of Nikita's perfume - perfume she can't bring herself to wash away, despite its source, because she needs whatever comfort she can find - and sees Amanda's face instead...