A/N: Hey all. I have a new computer, well…a crap-top…you know the kind. The really small ones that don't do much, that's the kind I have. I wanted to test it out, so I figured why not do a little one shot…warning, this is an implied triad pairing between Natsuki, Mai, and Shizuru...

The focus is Mai and Shizuru.

Theme: So I did…

For all of you who don't know, "So I did…" is actually a game that's kind of like "Never have I ever…" the difference is, you start by saying a simple thing, such as: "I wanted to kiss a girl…" And then follow it with "So, I did…" those who have done it take a drink, those who haven't don't.

Since I didn't really want to write about the characters playing this game, I took my writing theme in a different direction. The writing group had a ballast with this… it was a timed project, at an hour tops, so I did what I could in that time. This is just a test to see how well this computer could handle me so to speak, and now that I have it instead of only the desktop, my WIP's can be addressed much more quickly.

I really like the idea that I had for this, so there is a good chance I will revisit this fiction later with another chapter or two to flesh out this obscure relationship. It'll stand as a one shot for now.

Anyway, don't like, don't read…

I don't own Mai HiME.

So I Did

-This is not how I intended to wake up. Now that I have, I realize I may have had far too much to drink…or perhaps not nearly enough. I think I'll assume the latter, but, even if it is the former, it doesn't explain the fact that I'm in the dormitory with Mai sleeping soundly next to me. It doesn't tell of why Natsuki's also in the same vicinity, equally disrobed. I've got to backtrack, there simply must be a logical explanation.

The last thing I recall seems to be…liquor, singing, and costumes…karaoke?

I was at the club last night. Probably somewhere between my second glass of wine and a bucket full of worry. Feeling parched, I remember ordering another, if only so that I looked like I was having a good time…that answers the pounding in my head.

Drinks tend to flow freely at the parties that Mai hosts in the nearest karaoke bar. I figured, if I wasn't drinking, everyone else would catch on. Midori normally insists on it anyway. Truth be told, most of us indulge, or at least turn the other cheek for the sake of added entertainment. Everyone loves Midori's boisterous, if not overly eager personality. It seems only strengthened by the liquor that she guzzles by the glass full. We all readily agree that Midori is the lifeblood to any party...she's just exuberant, overtly so.

I think I even I said as much. I probably did, while speaking with a few of underclassmen, with whom I'd once shared the battle of a lifetime.-

"Midori's truly one of a kind, though I doubt we should allow her to bring another punch bowl." That earned a few laughs, something that eased me a tiny bit. I sipped on my glass again, I recall, the fuzziness getting the better of me as I bitterly retorted my own observation. "Though, I honestly have no idea what that makes me."

"The bump on a log?" Nao asked me with a bored yawn. "Although that's better than to be the stray." She meant Natsuki, surely, and I suppressed my urge to wince. If I'd known when she would call me, I'd be less bothered by her disappearance. Nao saw through my act. "Where's that idiot?" Her voice was dry, and annoyed.

I knew where she was, but, I couldn't tell Nao openly. "Natsuki had a prior engagement." I explained simply, it was the truth. "She wanted to come, truly, but this was a pressing matter."

"I call bull shit." Nao chuckled, as she stretched out, groping around for the glass she had lying on the floor near her. "Natsuki ditched because she hates being forced to sing, and we all know it."

-Why does that ring in my head now? It bit at me last night, hearing Nao say that really got to me. Natsuki has real problems right now. She doesn't need that kind of talk going on behind her back, least of all from Nao, the person Natsuki envies the most in this world. Nao can't see that, or Natsuki's anguish day in and day out, wanting to speak with a person who can't be there for her.

I had to say something…me and my big mouth. Nao can make me lose my good sense, as she did last night. I think, may have said a few things I ought not have.-

"Yes, well be that as it may, Natsuki did have matters to oversee." I paused then, I think, searching for the answer I felt would be the best. "Natsuki's losses are permanent, even if yours were not. You forget so easily what luck you have."

- We all got what we wanted in the end of the battle. Our most important person returned to us, but, that didn't mean Natsuki's mourning would suddenly end…it has only just begun. With the battle over, her rage can finally become grief. She can be normal, and with friends by her side, Natsuki is beginning to allow herself to feel emotion. It also means that she has to learn to deal with it, and that's an uphill climb.

It was a long time coming, but, it doesn't make it any easier for her. I wanted Nao to understand that.-

I could see my retort caused the proper inflicted damage. "Oh, damn." Nao let the cocky smirk fall from her face, taking a deep breath. "Doesn't she know when to quit?"

"Do you?" I shot back coolly.

That was when Mai chimed in, having spent the better part of the last half-hour cleaning the room a little. Midori left trash everywhere, as did a few of the others. "She's at the cliff again, huh?" Mai knew.

There was a look in her eyes as she gathered up the costumes that were strewn about the room. It was aimed at me. If there was anyone on this earth I would trust to look after Natsuki in my steed, it would be Mai. I've always trusted her, I can accept her blindly, and I don't know why. I just have, though, she's never given me any reason not to, either.

I gave a small nod. "Every month." The event causes me to worry, I never say anything about it to Natsuki. "She took flowers." I explained, studying the liquid in my glass. "I know that if she had been in better spirits, she would have come."

"Natsuki's always grumpy." Mai laughed, a lilt of sadness hidden there. "I guess it can't be helped though." She's more chipper than I am, and also more open. "If Natsuki needs us, she'll ask. She knows we will always try to help in any way we can."

If only it could be. I'd thought to myself, sipping on my glass of white wine. Her mother will never be returned to her. That single most stirring thought brought me to frown. "She envies you, Nao." I pulled my phone out from my purse, glancing at the lit screen.

No new messages…none at all.

"Hey, it'll all be okay." Mai said then, looking between Nao and I. We were tense, sharing in a contest of wits. "Shizuru, you shouldn't worry." Mai told me, pulling me out of my vexation. "Natsuki will probably turn up later, just like she always does." Having finished making the room presentable, she dusted off her hands. "Why not come back to the dorm with me, you can wait for her there."

-Now that's the point when things turned…there were warning alarms going off in my head, but, I wanted to see Natsuki…I wanted to know she would be alright, and damning myself then and there, I let myself consider the option. At first, I politely declined.-

"It would be an imposition." I said, shaking my head. "I couldn't possibly, I would be a burden. Besides, Natsuki wouldn't appreciate being doted upon like that."

"It wouldn't." Mai returned. "Natsuki won't care that you're a guest of mine, and besides, it wouldn't be good for you to be worrying about her. Not all alone."

"I should return home." I got up to gather my things when Mai's soft hand reached out to grab mine.

"I'd be much more at ease if you waited with me." Mai said, her voice quiet. "You don't have to pretend that you're okay with this." She averted her violet gaze away so that I couldn't see what was plainly written there. I could hear the loneliness in her words. "I know that I'm not…so, why would you be?"

I gulped, hard. "I know Natsuki will return tomorrow morning, if not very late tonight. She will text me as soon as she's safely tucked away in the dorm." That was the routine, and it was what I had grown accustom to. "I have nothing to worry about."

"You have Natsuki." There was frost in her tone. An angry one, and it made me freeze up. Even Nao, who had been far more amused with the carpet lint, looked up from her spot on the floor. "She's enough to worry about."

-I'd gotten the impression that Mai's plate was far too large to handle on her own. Her brother had just returned from rehabilitation, Mikoto clung to her every chance she had, and with Natsuki wandering off so often, I realized, Mai probably felt just as lonely as I did.

Part of me didn't want to follow Mai back to the dormitory, knowing that if I did, I would be inclined to be jovial and in decent spirits, for Mai's sake, even if not for my own. I followed her anyway...clearly, since I'm in someone's bed between the two of them. My, my, this turned into a convoluted mess. Why didn't I just go home?

I hope nobody else walks in...that's right! Oh, Natsuki...I hope I can lay with you like this more often, even if last night was the furthest from my plans.

The university campus offers cramped living spaces, and Natsuki insists on staying in the same room with Mai. She claims that living anyplace else would either be a distraction, or not within her current budget. She's right about that, but, let's be honest here. The only reason she lives with Mai is because she can't live with me...not yet. Natsuki's just not the type of person to settle down so easily. We both know that, and besides, I would be a distraction to her, and not for the right reasons.

It still begs the question...why did I let things get so out of hand last night?-

The room was dark when Mai opened the door to the single room, containing two beds, each with its own brand of ownership. I could tell at a glance that Natsuki's was the rumpled one with the pillow in the center of the bed. She cuddles into things, though, not many people know about that, I suspect Mai does.

We were both quiet for a short time, Mai wordlessly brewing tea while I sat on Natsuki's bed, taking in the controlled mess than Natsuki saw fit to rut in. Half of the sheets were torn off of the bed, while others were tangled in a heap. I sighed, finding a wadded up piece of paper under the pillow…math notes she obviously had fallen asleep while writing. She studies too hard, sometimes. "What am I to do with her?

"Either slap her, or pin her to the nearest wall." Mai said, and for the second time that night, I could feel her frustration was one that we shared. "I haven't figured out which one yet, but when I do, I'll let you know."

I dared to ask her. I lifted my eyes to hers as she stood near me, holding a mug of warmed tea. "Why do I get the feeling that I'm not simply here to wait for Natsuki's arrival?" It was impossible, I couldn't fathom it before, and yet at that moment, I knew what I saw.

Gods help me, if I didn't have a moment of weakness.

"Who." Asking her, it seemed only right, but I could tell by the guilty look on her face.

She gave me a sad smile. "I don't know if I would call it love." Mai began, licking her supple lips as she sat down next to me. "I don't even think I can say that it's anything besides attraction, but it is there, whatever it is." As if she were releasing a breath she'd been holding for a long time, she faced me. "Don't hate me, I didn't want to, trust me." Her voice broke. "It's just…she clicks, you know?"

I knew…if there was anything I knew, it was wanting desperately not to love a person, but yet falling hopelessly in love anyway. "No." I'd said, refusing to admit it. "Mai, you aren't…" Fog drifted into my head. "You aren't gay." I said, almost pleading with myself to come to terms with this. "Chie's gay, Aoi for sure, even Nao's questionable…I go into that category without saying." I swallowed hard, nearly maddened. "You…you can't be."

"I didn't say I was." Mai murmured to me. "It's just that I can really talk with Natsuki." Her voice was calling to me, begging me to hear her out…and it was then I realized, Mai was trapped between her confusion and myself. I was an obstacle who stood in her way. "I can be myself around her. I just seem to laugh more freely, and, I can let my guard down."

"Good Lord." I muttered, rather ineloquently at that. It had to have been a combination of the wine buzzing away in my brain, and the total shock. I don't even know what I was thinking, but, I knew that I wanted to prove that Mai was wrong. "Being with another woman doesn't sicken you?" I prodded, trying to calm my nerves. "It doesn't mortify you at all?" I don't know what got into me, but, I felt as if I had to do something, and all of my usual clarity was stripped away. "Prove it."

-That's how this happened…how I woke up to find myself between the two of them on this midmorning. I caused this…didn't I? Why couldn't I just trust Natsuki? Why did I challenge Mai like that…and…why did she take it? Could she really love Natsuki? Is she going to develop feelings for me? We really did make a mess of things, didn't we?-

"H-how?" Mai asked, her voice still a little shaken.

"You know how." I said softly, yet very firmly as I put my hand on her cheek. "You're indecisive, but that kind of behavior can hurt Natsuki." In retrospect, I'd never chanced the thought that my own actions could do the same. "You've never had any idea of what you've wanted, and now, you tell me that you could feel something for Natsuki." I wanted to protect myself, I think, by proving that it wasn't true. "How can you know such a thing?" I didn't want to admit that anyone else could love her.

Mai grew thoughtful. "I know that we lay awake and talk sometimes." Hearing that struck me hard, even if I knew, logically speaking, that was something roommates did. "I know that she's beautiful, but so reserved." As Mai's cheeks tinged pink, I began to realize, this wasn't a whim. "…I think it started near the end of the carnival. When she was the only one left with me, and I saw her drive away." Mai sighed and shook her head. "The world is so much brighter with her in it."

Awed, I nodded slowly. "You know, Mai, you could be right about that." I'd never really thought of the world as a changing thing, because my eyes were always on Natsuki alone. "You suffered too, didn't you?" I asked, though I knew that we all had, in some form or another. "I took her from you, didn't I?" I knew the answer, and loathe I am to admit it, I was comforted by that.

"It's cold at night, when you're by yourself." She said, as though it was a truth that was plaguing her to this very day. "Even though Natsuki's right there, across the room every single night, she's in a world that I just can't reach." My hand was still on her cheek, and though I wasn't looking at the wetness trailing down across my fingers, I could feel it. "If she notices how I feel, she doesn't say a word."

Natsuki probably didn't suspect a thing, but I did. I could see it so vividly, and the desperation was heartbreaking. I sighed and closed my eyes. "Natsuki hasn't kissed me since that day. Her love is different by nature, she doesn't express it well, but, it is there." I leaned in, just a little. "While it's true that I don't have the capacity to love you, as such a feeling is for Natsuki alone, I think I can offer some measure of warmth."

-I kissed her. I shouldn't have, but I did. May the gods send me to hell in a personally made hand basket for that one…my transgressions didn't end there…in fact, I doubt they have an end now. Mai isn't as confidant as Natsuki, she's not brash, and isn't as quick to anger…though, she startles easily and trusts willingly. I learned that last night, when I pressed my lips to her own, she was hesitant, but she didn't pull away.

Natsuki's womanly personality is well hidden by her aloof nature, but Mai's is right there, out in the open. When I licked her lower lip tenderly begging for entrance, I found myself taking just the slightest joy at the way she leaned into me. Her large breasts pressed into mine, and I remember thinking that Natsuki would never be so submissive. She would allow me to kiss her, if I tried, but, she would never explore the feeling, or melt into my touch without a fight.

Natsuki's too proud to let herself do that...and that's one reason why I love her. She won't bend to my whims, she won't break under my possessive grip, or allow me to take advantage in times she's unwilling.

Mai's different...if I wanted to, I could easily crush her fragile heart, but, I don't fancy breaking delicate things. That's Natsuki's forte, not mine.-

I felt her sigh, her short tresses of hair tickled my knuckles, and I pushed the strands behind her ear. Her lips were welcoming, and she tasted sweet. I leaned forward, guiding her to the bed and breaking the kiss. "Mai." I wanted to feel more of her and yet, at the same time, I felt as if I was sorely betraying Natsuki by doing so. "What do you expect to happen? What outcome could we possibly gain from this?" I asked, knowing that the glaze in her eyes wasn't because she loved me, but, because I was the willing substitute.

"We've never had anything to gain from this." Mai murmured to me. "I can't bring myself to care." She turned her head away, and watched the window. I followed her gaze to the black clouds in the sky. "I'm tired, Shizuru."

-I was too…

It was a bad idea, and it went against everything I'd ever fought for. It dared to question my innermost soul, my fondest desire, and yet, I still kissed her. Still touched her, and in the face of all I'd ever firmly believed, I cast it into damnation. I don't even know why, but, I didn't think deeply about it either. Instead, my fingers slid under the fabric of her shirt.

I made love to her…in Natsuki's bed of all places.

I won't deny it. I won't pretend that I didn't lose myself in another woman. Mai was soft, she was warm, and through all of my guilt, I didn't stop myself. I kissed patterns in forbidden territories and soaked my fingers in her desire…worst of all, I begged of her to do the same to me.-

"This can't happen again." I'd said, licking my lips, her essence lingering on them. "There's no telling what might happen if we did." She nodded into my chest, and I sighed, weaving my fingers through her short strands of hair. I looked over at the clock, and I could feel the prickling sensation in my eyes. "Natsuki, she could have seen that."

"Let her see." Mai told me. "I almost…I almost want her to see."

"I'd much rather that she doesn't." Things would get complicated, and I wanted to keep things as simple as possible, for everyone's sake.

"Let her realize just what she could lose." Mai told me desperately. "Push her into action, make her see."

"See what, Mai?" I returned, trying to keep the pain out of my voice. "Two women who love her, sharing a bed together?" It was dubious at best. "Most people would find that questionably offensive, Natsuki probably wouldn't know what to do." Beyond that, Mai would have to voice her feelings at that point. I wanted to keep that from happening. "This won't solve anything."

-It didn't have too, I knew that deep down. It wasn't as if we could protect ourselves, because at that moment, Natsuki arrived, opening the door. I thought many things, as I saw her open the door. I felt so many fleeting emotions, but none more so than fear. The frown on her face spoke more than all of the yelling she could have done. The silence was raw, and it cut through everything until she spoke.-

"I should have gotten a hotel room." Natsuki's dull voice murmured as she went over to Mai's bed. "One of you text me next time you want to do weird things in the dorm. At least then I'll know to find someplace else to be." She crawled under the covers, a yawn in her voice. "Oh, and Mai, wash the sheets."

We stared, waiting for the hammer to fall. Natsuki's inaction meant the world to us…it spoke of everything we wanted to be, coupled with everything we knew we couldn't reach. I knew she was livid, but it wasn't her anger that worried me...she was hiding herself again, I could tell. "Natsuki?" I asked, and received not even a sound in reply.

"You don't even care, do you?" Mai's voice shook, and absentmindedly, I reached out to pull her back into my embrace.

Natsuki turned to look at us. "Would it really matter, if I did?" Her eyes were so cold, it was her voice that gave her away. It was heated like a fire. Pain slammed into my gut. Mai was right, Natsuki isn't someone who can be reached. She can't be tamed, she's too solitary for that.

"It does, Natsuki." I said, tears were at the edges of her eyes and I wanted to take them all away.

-So I did...and that's how I ended up here, but, I don't regret it.-