So. Hello Jarlos side of the world.
Here's a one-shot. Realistically, I really, really, really want to continue this, because come on. It's one of those stories that's just screaming to be a two-part deal.
Except. I haven't written a Part Two that I actually like yet, so for now this is complete. But one day. One day, I'll add more. Probably.
Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush or the characters. This is based off of the television show, not the actual band.
Warnings: Swearing, but nothing life-threatening.
Review if you'd like. Would be marvelous.
Flamers, fuck off.
Kaybye.
"You did what?" Carlos shrieked, drawing himself to his full height and towering over the cowering boy before him.
"I didn't think you'd get angry," James whined defensively, curling into a tighter ball on the couch. Carlos's cheeks puffed out and his entire face turned bright red. James gulped; he had never experienced a truly furious Carlos before, and it was rather intimidating. "C'mon, it's not that bad-"
"Not that bad? You readmydiary, you bastard!"
Instead of fearing Carlos's wrath, James let out a tiny giggle. "You're such a girl," he teased, immediately regretting it when Carlos tackled him, sending them both tumbling to the floor. They began rolling around, Carlos throwing poorly aimed punches and James blocking his precious face.
"C-Carlos, cut it out!" James cried, trying to push the temperamental boy off. "It's not like there was anything good in there, anyway!" That actually made Carlos pause. He sat up, straddling the other boy's chest, fists cocked for another punch.
"How much did you read, then?" he asked suspiciously. If James hadn't found anything… interesting… then he couldn't have read more than a few pages. A majority of Carlos's diary was dedicated to his… infatuation, shall we say. If James hadn't read much, then hopefully he hadn't seen those particular pages.
James grinned at the question. "All of it."
Carlos blinked at him, before punching him in the chest roughly. James let out a soft oof and recoiled a little, glaring up at the boy sitting on him. "What do you mean, all of it?"
"That means I read the whole thing, stupid," James gruffed out, rubbing at the spot where he had been hit. Carlos stared down at him, chest heaving and mind absolutely frazzled.
"But… you said you didn't find anything good," he said slowly. James quirked an eyebrow. "You're telling me that you didn't see anything… weird?"
James pretended to think, placing his pointer finger on his chin and tilting his head. "Weird? Hmm… anything weird… no, can't say that I saw anything like that." Carlos lowered his fists, letting out a relieved breath. James grinned evilly. "Unless you're referring to how sixty-two out of one hundred pages have confessions of your undying crush on Logan written all over them."
Carlos froze, eyes widening as he stared in horror at the taller boy. James thought he was about to start crying or something, but faster than he could even comprehend, Carlos whipped back his fist and socked James in the eye.
"Augh!" James rolled over beneath Carlos, slapping his cupped hands to his poor eye and whimpering. He sat up rapidly, shoving Carlos off and digging around in his back pocket for a small mirror. He hesitantly brought it up to his face, and gasped. A dark spot was already forming just under his lower eyelid, and the portion of his nose directly next to his abused eye was starting to swell a little. James let out a small cry of dread, unable to believe that The Face would be donning a shiner within a few hours. He threw the mirror off to the side and glared at Carlos. "What the hell is wrong with you? You hit my face, jackass! Great, now I can't go out in public for a freaking week!" he ranted, staring down Carlos, who still seemed to be staring at him in shock.
James huffed and clumsily pushed himself to his feet, dusting off his pants sharply and glaring at Carlos as he stomped off to the bathroom. If he iced his eye now and used a carefully selected assortment of eye products, he might be able to avoid getting such a noticeable black eye.
He was so intent on fixing his face, slamming the bathroom door pointedly behind him, that he didn't notice Carlos had buried his head in his arms and started to cry.
James was still ticked off at Carlos a few hours later, when their other two band members finally returned home for dinner. They all went to sit around the table, James being the last one to waltz into the room. Kendall and Logan raised their heads to greet him, and James growled at the simultaneous gasp. He yanked out his chair and threw himself heavily onto it, immediately spooning himself food with as much force and noise that he could muster.
"James, what happened to you?" Kendall asked worriedly. The first explanation the blonde thought of was that James had gotten into a fight with another Palm Woods resident, and according to the Bro Code, the other three would have to find the person responsible and show them a thing or two.
"It's nice to see you too, Kendall. And thanks for asking, my day was great," James snapped. Kendall blinked at him in surprise.
"Dude, chill, I was just asking what happened."
James shot him a glare. Well, he shot him a somewhat less intimidating one-eyed glare. His bruised eye had swollen pretty badly, and he could only see a sliver of the world through it. "Some asshole punched me." He turned his gaze sharply to Carlos, who was sitting at the other end of the table, staring down at his plate. James rolled his eyes, wincing at the immediate pain the childish action brought.
"Who, James?" Logan asked softly. "Surely there's some explanation for why they punched you," he added, watching the taller brunette curiously. James shot Carlos a scathing glare.
"Why don't you ask your boyfriend?" he bit out. Carlos's head shot up, and although he looked like he had been crying for a few hours, his stare was piercing.
Logan followed James's line of vision, eyes widening when he realized that he was staring down Carlos, who was glaring back just as furiously. "Wait, Carlospunched you?" He backtracked a second, James's previous statement fully clicking in. "Boyfriend?"
Carlos scowled. "Shut up, James," he seethed. Kendall and Logan exchanged a hesitant glance. They had experienced Angry James plenty of times, and Angry Carlos on a few occasions, especially during hockey games. But they had never dealt with James and Carlos being this pissed off with eachother. Not to this degree.
James scoffed. "What's the matter? Afraid I'll let a little secret slip?"
Carlos fumed, hands fisting on either side of his plate. "I said shutup."
"Worried that I'll tell Logie about some interesting reading I did today?"
Carlos shot out of his seat, leaning over the table. His entire body was trembling with fury. "I swear to god, I will make the rest of your face look like the gigantic, ugly black eye you've got."
James stood up angrily. "Better not touch me; I don't want to get your gay germs on me."
"Says the guy in a boy band who wears makeup."
James lost it. He launched himself across the table, tackling Carlos and sending them both crashing to the ground. Logan and Kendall immediately jumped up, rushing over with attempts to pry the fighting boys apart.
When they finally managed to tear them away from each other, Carlos had a split lip and James had a cut on his cheek. Both had a few bruises scattered around their jaws and cheeks.
Kendall was holding James back by his arms, and Logan had his arms locked securely around Carlos's waist. Kendall, who never really got angry with his best friends, looked ready to kill.
"Mind telling us what the hell is wrong with you two?" he demanded quietly, which was actually scarier than if he had yelled it. James and Carlos stopped struggling, instead choosing to glare at each other, panting and slowly feeling the pain of their fight.
"James invaded my privacy," Carlos finally spat, trying and failing to wriggle out of Logan's grasp.
Kendall raised an eyebrow. "What?"
"He… he looked through my personal stuff!" he tried again. Kendall looked at him expectantly, not quite getting what Carlos meant. James heaved an annoyed sigh.
"I read his diary," he muttered. Kendall's hands squeezed his arms a little, and he had to look away from the blonde's heavy gaze.
"Why would you do that?"
James glanced back at his best friend. "I didn't think there'd be anything worthwhile in it! I mean, come on, it's Carlos."
Carlos's face fell, stung by the comment. Logan saw this and gave him a light squeeze around the stomach. "James, that's not a nice thing to say," Logan chided. "What Carlos thinks and feels is just as important as what the rest of us think and feel."
James sneered. "He punched me first, and just because I read something heleftonthebathroomsink." He glared at Carlos. "Idiot."
Carlos flushed. "I'm not an idiot!"
"You're so stupid!" James replied childishly, egging Carlos on. Everyone knew Carlos hated it when people pointed out that he wasn't the brightest crayon in the box.
"You look like a girl!" Everyone also knew that James was very sensitive about how not masculine his face was (even if he was still attractive). Said brunette audibly growled.
"You're the size of a fifth grader!"
"You own more makeup than all of the girls in this hotel combined!"
"Well, at least I can talk to girls without sounding like a retard!"
"At least I can go out and public and people can tell I'm a boy!"
"At least I don't have a crush on Logan!"
Carlos froze. James realized exactly what he said a half of a second later, and felt a pang of guilt. He had only meant to tease Carlos about having a diary and hiding a secret. Blurting out that secret in front of the person it was about was never part of his plan, and he felt a little bit of regret.
But there it was, and no one spoke for a few minutes. Logan's eyes were wide, and Carlos had to force back tears when he felt the arms that had been protectively wrapped around him slip off. Kendall slowly shifted around James, staring at him in shock. He knew that flawing James's face was more than enough to send the brunette on a fatal rampage, but this… this was out of line.
"What?" Logan finally asked, clenching his fingers in his shirt. No one answered him, though. James looked away in anger and shame, which wasn't helped by Kendall staring at him. Carlos had clenched his eyes shut and pressed his palms to them, trying to both block off the threatening tears and sink into the floor.
Kendall was the first one to speak up after that. "James… I think you should go cool off," he said quietly, watching closely as James nodded and shuffled somberly out of the dining room. A moment later, they heard his bedroom door quietly click shut. Kendall turned back to the remaining two boys. Carlos was still covering his eyes, and Logan was still gawking at him, unmoving. "I think you two need to talk. I'm going to go speak to James, okay?" He waited for some sort of reply, but settled with a dodgy glance from Logan and a sniffle from Carlos. Sighing, Kendall left them to themselves and made his way to James's room, mentally preparing himself for the drama he was throwing himself into.
Logan and Carlos stood that way for at least another four minutes, neither daring to move. But finally, Carlos whirled around, uncovering his surprisingly dry eyes. Logan flinched when he took a step closer, cautiously eyeing the other boy.
"Look, Logan… I know how this is going to end. I never wanted you to find out. I know you're not into guys, so can we please just forget James ever said anything?"
Logan stared at him blankly. Deep down, Carlos was praying to every god that existed that Logan would somehow miraculously return his feelings. Carlos didn't quite love him yet, not as more than a friend and crush, but he had been well on his way until James messed everything up.
But life wasn't a fairytale. "I'm sorry," Logan whispered. Carlos's heart shattered. "I can't… I can't return your feelings," he continued, sounding like it hurt him to say it. "I love you, but you're like my brother. I can't… I just…" Logan took a deep breath. "I'm sorry."
Carlos forced himself to nod, using every ounce of his willpower to not cry. But it hurt. He had never experienced heartbreak like this before. "C… can we still be friends?" he asked lowly, keeping his eyes on his feet. Logan bit his lip. This would, of course, put some sort of strain on their relationship, at least for a while. But as Logan stared at his broken friend, he knew that he couldn't cause him more pain than he already had.
"Of course. Best friends forever, right?" he asked weakly. Carlos nodded miserably, choking on a sob when Logan wrapped him in a heartfelt hug. Kendall chose that moment to reappear, standing off to the side momentarily. The other two were hugging, but he couldn't tell if it was a we-feel-the-same-way-and-are-totally-boyfriends kind, or the I-just-broke-your-heart-and-I'm-sorry kind.
Carlos gently pulled out of the hug, swabbing away the several escaped tears with the back of his hand. He glanced hesitantly up at Kendall, who, from Carlos's face, instantly knew what type of hug it had been. He helped Carlos stand up, giving him a sympathetic frown.
"Hey, buddy," he greeted softly. Carlos just looked at him. "You and James have to talk, okay?" Carlos's eyes widened, and he frantically shook his head. Kendall shushed him gently, placing his hands on Carlos's shoulders. "No, you need to do this. You can't just leave things like this, okay?"
Carlos shut his eyes tightly but eventually nodded. He allowed Kendall to tow him towards the room he shared with the taller brunette.
James was sitting on his bed, shoulders hunched and his thick blanket wrapped snugly around himself. Kendall firmly pushed Carlos over towards him, quietly backing out and shutting the door.
The silence that followed was almost as horrible as the one Carlos had previously experienced with Logan. But when he noticed that James's shoulders were shaking, he took a deep breath and went to sit next to him. He cautiously let a hand settle on James's knee, keeping it there even when he could feel him tense.
"I'm sorry for punching you," he said in a small voice. James stopped quaking for a second, and he popped his head out from the blanket hesitantly. Carlos took a shaking breath. This was hard. He had just had his heart broken by his best friend, and now he had to apologize to the person who caused all of this. But he hated fighting, and was desperate for at least part of his life to go back to being okay. "I mean, you were a jerk, but I shouldn't have punched you."
James let the blanket slide down to his shoulders, biting at his lip nervously. "It was all my fault," he whispered, and to Carlos's surprise, a tear streaked down his cheek. "I knew it was your diary, and I should have just left it there, but… I had to know."
Carlos tilted his head a little. "Had to know what?"
James's eyebrows scrunched a little. "Who you liked." Carlos blinked, not entirely expecting that answer.
"Well, now you know. And so does everyone else," he replied, trying his best to hold back malice, but a little might have slipped through. James closed his eyes and buried his head back in the blanket. He seemed to be trying to control his breathing, by the looks of it. A few moments later, he finally lowered the blanket again, and Carlos could see his pained expression.
"I'm sorry," he murmured. "How… how did Logan take it?" he asked hesitantly, because Carlos wasn't exactly bouncing around like someone who just had their love reciprocated. Sure enough, the shorter boy opened his mouth to reply, but nothing came out. He tried again, and again, eyes shining with tears of hurt, but he just couldn't vocalize it. James let the blanket drop and slid his arms around Carlos, enveloping him in a crushing hug. Carlos tried very hard to speak once more, but wound up inhaling sharply and then promptly breaking down.
His entire body was shaking, tears pouring down his face as he sobbed into James's chest. As if they hadn't been on the verge of hating each other ten minutes ago, Carlos clung to James's torso like his life depended on it. James snuggled Carlos closer, pretty much pulling the smaller boy onto his lap, and feeling nauseous from the immense guilt swarming his mind and stomach. If he had just controlled his temper, or hell, even minded his own business and not read the diary, Carlos wouldn't be crying his heart out in his arms.
But James had needed to read it, because he wanted so badly to know whom Carlos drew those little hearts all over his homework for. He wanted to know who it was Carlos was thinking of when he scribbled down random verses to love songs he thought up. He wanted to know who it was Carlos dreamed of that made him smile when he slept.
James had prayed it was him.
He had almost started crying earlier, when he stood above the bathroom sink and casually flipped the diary open, only to find thousands of hearts with millions of IloveLogan's on almost every page. But he had swallowed back his tears, instead choosing to confront Carlos about it with the twisted hope that the shorter boy would laugh it off and say it had been a joke. That he wasn't in love with someone else. That James actually stood a chance.
He felt guilty about causing Carlos heartbreak, but it was hard to feel bad when he was going through the exact same thing.
"It hurts, James," Carlos whimpered, and James tightened his arms around him.
"I know, but it'll get better," James said softly, releasing one arm from around the other boy so he could comb his fingers through the dark hair. "It's just a crush, right?" He mentally beamed when Carlos nodded against his chest. "So you'll get over it. I know it hurts, but once a person turns you down, it's much easier to move on."
"I know," Carlos pouted. "It's just… every time I like a girl, she's either completely wrong for me or she thinks I'm an idiot."
"You are an idiot," James teased.
"And when I like a boy," Carlos continued, pointedly ignoring James's comment, "they're always straight and usually have a girlfriend." James didn't say anything. He dug his teeth into the corner of his lip, debating whether or not to say something to Carlos about his own feelings.
The thing was, Carlos might actually go for it. He was clearly into guys, and James was into Carlos, so there was a possibility. But, as much as he'd like the instant gratification, James didn't want to be a rebound, or a replacement Logan. Unlike Carlos, he wouldn't get over it quickly. Unlike Carlos, this wasn't just a crush on his best friend.
James was a million and four percent sure that he was in love.
"Do you really think I look like a girl?" he asked suddenly, that particular thought randomly popping up in front of his internal dilemma. Carlos pulled his head back to look up at James.
"What?"
"Before, when we were… um, when we were fighting… you kept saying things. About how I look. Do I… do people really not know if I'm a boy or a girl at first?" he asked hesitantly. Okay, he was well aware that people called him pretty more often than handsome, but he still didn't think it was so ridiculous that his gender was questionable at first glance. Carlos clamped his lips shut, trying to bite back a giggle. His cheeks puffed out, and just as James was about to ask what was wrong, Carlos blew out a quick breath and burst into laughter. James, realizing that Carlos had been attempting to not laugh at him (and he failed miserably at it), began to sulk, unwrapping his arms from around the smaller boy and scooting back towards his pillows, bending his knees and curling into a ball. Carlos immediately calmed himself.
"I'm sorry, Jamie," he chuckled, scooting forward to reposition himself in James's arms. But the brunette stubbornly used one foot to keep Carlos at bay, initial pout turning more hurt as Carlos conveniently didn't answer his question. "James, come on," Carlos pressed, trying to swat away the foot that kept blocking him from hugging James again.
"Get away from me," James hissed, wrapping his arms around himself protectively. Carlos's teasing grin faded.
"James…" The taller boy shook his head and buried it in his knees, and just seconds later his shoulders began to quake. Carlos immediately shifted closer, carefully clutching James's face in his hands and tilting it up so he could see him. He felt his heart twang when he saw a few wet streaks leading all the way down James's face, and began to wipe away the tears there with his thumbs. Even after all of the tears that had fallen were whisked away, Carlos still stroked James's cheeks gently. "Jamie, I didn't mean to laugh at you."
James closed his eyes, both loving the way Carlos was running his thumbs over his cheeks, and hating how much he wished it meant something more. "Go away," he pleaded, because if Carlos kept doing this and remained this close to his face, he might do something crazy. Like, for instance, lean forward three inches and kiss him.
"James, you're beautiful." James's eyes opened quickly, staring straight at Carlos in shock. He had not been expecting that answer, or to hear that sentence from Carlos. Like, ever.
"What?"
Carlos flushed a little, but he grinned confidently at the startled brunette. "I mean, no, you're not always the… uh, manliest looking guy. But I didn't mean it when I said people couldn't tell you're a boy. You do look like a boy, but you're just…"
"Girly."
"Gorgeous," Carlos offered cheerfully, stilling his thumbs for a moment and pressing them gently into James's skin.
James swallowed heavily. "You're just trying to make me feel better."
Carlos shook his head seriously. "I mean it. I wish I were beautiful like you. I mean, girls call me cute and stuff, but then they see you, and all of a sudden I'm just average. Jamie, you're the most beautiful guy I've ever met," Carlos said earnestly, beaming as James's cheeks heated up in embarrassment.
"More beautiful than Logan?" he blurted, not at all intending to actually say that out loud. Carlos's thumbs slowed and his bright smile disappeared. James mentally cursed himself for bringing their other friend up when the boy in front of him was probably struggling to just forget about him. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bring Logan up… I know you're still hurting-"
Carlos suddenly tugged James's face forward, crushing their lips together. James's breathing stuttered and then stopped for a few seconds, before he realized that holycrapCarloswaskissinghim and it wasawesome.
Once James began taking in oxygen again, he immediately surged forward, forcing Carlos to lie back on the bed, their mouths still tightly fused together. Carlos slid his hands just under James's ears, still pressing his thumbs into his jaw while the other fingers tangled in soft hair. James tilted his head a little for a better angle, pressing his mouth to Carlos's so hard that it almost hurt. Carlos opened his mouth a little and grazed his teeth over James's bottom lip. Without warning, he nipped at it with his teeth and bit- hard. James moaned, pressing the length of his body to Carlos's in approval. Carlos slid his legs out from under James's, hooking them around the other boy's waist snugly. James inhaled sharply when Carlos arched up into his body, and he reached down to grip the smaller boy's hips and hold him as close as possible.
Whatever miniscule conscience James kept in the smallest corner of his mind chose the next second to make an appearance. Reality sunk in as he realized that this was exactly what he didn't want to happen. Against every ounce of desire in his body, James wrenched his mouth away from Carlos and stared down at him apprehensively. Carlos peered up at him in confusion.
"What's wrong?" he asked breathlessly, twirling a long strand of James's hair around his fingers. James shuddered, having to take a few heaving breaths before being able to speak.
"I… I can't do this," he said scratchily. Carlos stared at him blankly, mouth slightly open. James couldn't help but stare at the lips he had just been kissing. God, he had just been kissingCarlos and now he was about to ruin it all. But for the sake of his heart, he had to stop this before it got too out of hand.
Carlos's face screamed heartbroken. "Y… you can't…? But… I thought you…"
James sighed, removing his hands from Carlos's hips in favor of playing with the shorter boy's hair. "Look, Carlos… I can't be a rebound. I've been there, done that, and it hurts. I can't do that… especially with you."
"But you're not-"
"I'm not Logan. And I'm not some replacement for him, either. And I know that you're still hung up on him, and will be for a while." Carlos shook his head quickly.
"No, I swear! I mean, I still like Logan a little, but I know you're not him! You're James! You're James, and I'm Carlos, and if we start this, we could fall in love," he protested, sliding his hands down to James's shirt and gripping it desperately.
James closed his eyes. "I'm already in love," he said quietly. He opened his eyes to look at the boy beneath him, and found Carlos staring up at him in astonishment. "That's why I can't do this. I can't wait around for you to get over Logan while I stand in as a distraction from him. Carlos, I love you, and I don't want this to hurt more than it already does." He climbed off of the bed, standing and looking sadly down at his friend. Carlos still wasn't able to form coherent thoughts. "When you get over him, let me know. Until then… you're still my best friend." Not wanting to stay and make things worse, James took one last glance at Carlos before turning and heading out, hoping to catch Kendall so he could bawl his eyes out on the blonde's shoulder.
He was so caught up in escaping his own heartbreak that he didn't see Carlos let out a strangled sob, curling into James's bed and desperately clutching the taller boy's pillow to him like his life depended on it.