The Moste Brilliante Saga of Naruto's Nüdlesuppe
penned by the ever sexy Lord Baron von Splurblethwaite
Once upon a time there was a Nudelsuppe. It was a very happy Nudelsuppe, although it had a DEEP DARK SECRET...which was, in addition to being secretive, DEEP AND DARK. How perfectly horrid.
During the intervening time, at the local gay bar - which would've been called Eating the Cream Puff in the Enchanted Forest, but they ran out of sign space, so it was just called The Backdoor's Felcher - it was Snakey Powers night, and thusly there was no cover charge for anyone possessed of 'Magical Lust Pythons'. So it should be no surprise, really, that Clarence - every child between the ages of 6 and 11 from 6:30-7 central every weekday's favourite angry pissed-off Scottish turtle - had shown up, even though he was both devoid of snakey powers and carnal thirstings for mantypes. His journey was by no means an easy one, as he was forced to hijack a small child and his scooter - break his scooter - and then make the child, only about four feet in height, carry him the seventeen blocks to the gay bar. The child collapsed in a corner, utterly out of breath, and was promptly ravished by Orochimaru's singing partner.
"Ach! Y'doon't go touchin' me transport, you! I'll 'ave y' 'anged, drawn' an' quar-erd! Ho sair, what ya all aboot, ya coont! Awa and fuck yersel'!
"Uh...what now?"
"Excuse me," the bartender said, a strange man in a large red hat. "But I spent a year or so in Scotland, and believe that I can translate. 'Aa. Please do not touch my transport, you. I shall have you hanged by your neck, disemboweled, and ripped into four slightly uniform pieces. Sir, I wish for your attention and it may be wise to pay attention to me for I believe you to be a vagina. Take your own penis and insert it in your anus.'"
"LADDIE, YA WANTIN' CHIBBED YA' CUNT?!"
"Do you wish me to assault you with a weapon?"
INTERMISSION
Foxyramenlover: Sasuke? Can I ask you something?
Emodemonthingy: Not really, but you probably will anyway?
Foxyramenlover: Why does this story suck so bad? I'm scared...
Emodemonthingy: I don't...I don't know. Go away.
Foxyramenlover: Can we have sex first?
Emodemonthingy: No.
Foxyramenlover has signed off at 7:43 PM
AND NOW BACK TO OUR SHOW
Meanwhile, Orochimaru was realising that a career of selling balloons to small children at the spring pedophile carnival wasn't really paying off. He was supposed to be making the lives of the childrens happy, but he kept getting distracted by the grotesquely sexy netherbits of Sasuke, as he wanted to make sweet snakey love to him right then and there – but the fact that he was currently spinning about on the tilt-a-whirl - and looking SOOOO sexily bored - was putting a damper on their future escapades and improbable pregnancies.
And in an alternate universe, where Orochimaru WASN'T trying to take over the world or steal little boys, he and Michael Jackson had a rather successful recording career - with top-of-the-chart singles such as "My Anaconda of Love", "Let Me Pet Your Boa" and "It's Not Actually Poisonous, I Read It In A Book".
Sadly, it was actually poisonous, and Michael Jackson died. Orochimaru was very sad. But this is a different universe, and it is here we leave the grieving alternate Orochimaru and return to the real world, where Orochi-poo and Michael Jackson had a rather successful recording career - with top-of-the-chart singles such as "My Anaconda of Love", "Let Me Pet Your Boa" and "It's Not Actually Poisonous, I Read It In A Book".
And then, there was...a giant flash, and a massive cupcake fell from the heavens. And astride this mighty cupcake was a warrior for TRUTH! JUSTICE! AND PANTY SHOTS! Wearing nothing but a rather odd sequinned loincloth, Kakashi dismounted the mighty cupcake, and began to rain his reign of terror upon the world.
It was quite terrible, actually. Amidst the cupcake-related walrusings was Naruto, however his body was so grievously mangled when he was brought in it took the doctors at the hospital two times to identify him, the first time their results came back that they'd just dissected a rather large bowl of ramen. Or, as our German friends call it, Nudelsuppe.
DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUHHHHHN.
"Oh, fiddlesticks." said Kakashi. "But it can't really be helped. THAT IS, REGRETTABLY, WHAT CUPCAKES DO." And stealing the jet pack out of a very drunk and slightly vomitty Clarence, he drifted out the window and onward to freedom.
Meanwhile, Sasuke was smacking himself in the forehead that he didn't have sex with that Foxy Ramen Lover sooner. Oh well. Necrophilia awaited him, and he couldn't wait to see if it was as sexy as the fanfics made it out to be.
It turned out to be not as much, as he couldn't identify between the mushy ramen bits that came from Naruto's stomach and the mushy...other...bits that came from slightly below his stomach. So he gave up halfway through, and went and bought the newest CD from Orochimaru, "It's That Magical Pants Viper, Baby." But, alas, it was too upbeat, so he burned it in his backyard. The smoke drifted upwards and blinded Kakashi, and he crashed into the roof of Sasuke's house, blowing the entire place to bits.
Sasuke stared at the flaming wreckage for about ten minutes without speaking.
"Ehh...whatever." He then turned about and walked off, being sure to step on the bits of the CD as he went.
Kakashi smouldered a little bit, stuck in the crack between the refrigerator and the wall.
"Hey, look! Pickles!"