A/N - I wrote this years ago for NaNoWriMo and then promptly forgot about it. Just read it tonight and thought it wasn't half bad. It was written during season 3, I think, if that is the season that Bill was thinking about marrying Ana.
At 23, Heather Tuttle was a model Latter Day Saint, with one exception: she had yet to be married. She'd been courted, of course, but no boy had ever held her interest. She had never even been on more than three dates with a boy (group dates, of course. ) She studied Swahili in college and requested to be allowed to go to Africa for her missionary work, even though it wasn't at all traditional or even allowed for a woman to go to such exotic locales. It was finally decided by her ward leader to send her to Germany where she would work in the Munich temple, guiding tourists and doing office work. It bored her and lacked most of the adventure she yearned for. Her dreams had been of walking across the scorched earth of Africa, looking for hidden tribes to whom she could teach Joseph Smith's prophesy.
She learned to love Germany, and became almost fluent in the language. But a girl's missionary term was much shorter than a boy's and she was soon being sent back to her parent's home in Salt Lake City. Now having graduated with her degree in nursing, there was a lot of pressure on her to marry. Not a week went by without her mother mentioning at least one single boy she knew.
Her older sisters Karyn and Melody were all married, as was her oldest brother Orson, and her younger sister Maree. Only the two youngest, Bradley and Anna, who were still in high school, had yet to be married, and everyone expected Bradley to marry his current girlfriend in a few years after his mission. Heather already had eight nieces and nephews. The pressure was on. Her mother recruited all of her married siblings to speak to her individually, and when still Heather did not budge, her mother arranged an intervention of sorts, with all of her siblings, her father as well, and a bishop from their ward. They prayed together and the bishop talked of the importance of marriage. Heather was mortified by the attention and agreed to meet some of the young men from a neighboring ward.
The first boy, Tyler, was decent, but Heather could see why he wasn't married – he had no sense of humor. Nothing seemed to amuse him, and everything seemed to annoy him or insult him in some way. Heather was certainly not a cut up, but she couldn't take his sensitivity and feared that he would only become more stodgy as he grew older.
The second boy was Davin, who was 30 years old and divorced. His wife had left the church, and consequently him, and had taken their three children as well. They now lived in Oklahoma and he only saw them twice a year. He was definitely torn up about it and Heather pitied him greatly, but she sensed he wanted to get married as soon as possible and to start having kids as soon as possible not because of love or even commitment, but to set his life back on the path he'd had it on before his ex-wife derailed everything. Heather did not want to be his band-aid.
Vaughn, Holden, and Tom were no better. Again, she found herself not interested in seeing them more than a couple time. Her mother asked for permission from the ward leader to let Heather see the boys in a more intimate setting and was granted it and so Heather found herself being taken out to a fancy restaurant on the arm of a thirty-five year old man named Matthew, another divorced man, who seemed slightly more tolerable than the others, until the second date when he revealed he really wasn't into her or even dating at all and that she shouldn't think it was her and that it was him and then, in a moment of pent-up anxiety, confessed that he was afflicted with same-sex attraction, and begged her to help him fight it, and then asked her to marry him because he could see that she was honorable and devoted and religious enough to guide him from his terrible addiction and weakness.
Again, as with Davin, she found herself placing her hand on his and offering up words of solace. Except that the words coming from her mouth were not the words she had been taught to say. Instead of telling him that he could be strong, that God already gave him the strength he needed to get through this and that he only needed to find it and use it… instead of all that, she found herself telling him that God loved him no matter what, that she couldn't believe that God would purposely test him like this if God truly wanted to fill the world with new spirits. Why would God make it harder? Especially to a man who wanted nothing more than to make his God happy and follow his word. "You really think I am ok?" he asked.
"I don't know. But I also don't know if the church is right on this one either. God makes some couples barren and no one tells them they are just not trying hard enough. Eventually they go on to adopt and the church sanctions that as well. They may not personally be bringing children into the world, but they are seeing that the ones who were brought in and abandoned are taken care of and taught the way. And so why isn't it ok for you to love a man and marry him and then adopt tons of children and give them love and teach them the prophet's words?" She finished with a touch of hysteria that shocked her. They parted way quickly thereafter, a bit shamefaced, and never saw each other again.
On her 24th birthday, she received a call. It was Sarah Hendrickson, whom she had not seen in years, who had left home after graduation to strike out into the world, parting ways with her family. And in some ways, parting with everyone and everything she'd known in Utah. She'd usually stuck to a card or an email or a letter a few times a year, and through that communication, Heather knew that she still kept in touch with her mother and her sister. But she wouldn't speak to her father, who had chosen a new wife over funding Sarah's college education. She barely spoke even to Ben, who at 23 already had two wives, the twins Heather vaguely remembered meeting. Sarah did not say much about it in the letter, other than to point out that she had not attended the wedding. But her silence spoke volumes.
"So, how's your birthday going? Did your parent's wrap up a nice Mormon boy for you to marry this afternoon? Will I have to send you baby clothes in nine months?" she asked dryly.
"No, still single, much to my parent's dismay. They are pretty desperate now. Would you believe they set me up with a homosexual?" she said, whispering the last word.
"Seriously? Don't they know gay marriage is still outlawed in Utah?"
"Haha. I did not tell them. I felt bad for the guy. I am not going to tell anyone."
"That's awful sweet of you. Next thing I know, you will be marching in the Salt Lake City Pride Parade." There was a touch of derision in her voice that made Heather nervous.
"Where are you these days? Are you ever going to come back?"
"I am back, actually. I am only a few minutes away at that little coffee shop, The Salt Lake Java. You want to drop by?"
And so it was that Heather found herself sitting across a table, sipping a hot chocolate. Sarah smiled her secretive, guarded smile. "You do know that chocolate is laced with caffeine, right?"
"Of course I do. And until God comes down and reveals to the president that we should abstain from it, I plan to continue indulging. I figure if chocolate was around back then, and God only took the time to rule out coffee, then He must have had his reasons. Soda pop wasn't around yet for Him to make mention of it."
Sarah smirked in a derisive manner and Heather again felt like she was on the verge of angering her and pushing her away for another five years. "Too much Mormonism for you?" she asked lightheartedly. "How is your faith these days anyway?" She watched Sarah scrunch her nose up in reaction and added, "I mean that out of pure curiosity and not as a way to proselytize."
"Honestly? God and I don't really spend all that much time together anymore."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, I still don't know what to think about all this. But I think about it a lot. I just… Got hasn't shown me the light or anything."
"Do you ever go to church?"
"Not really. I'm just living a secular, sinful life."
"I still have my faith."
"I am not surprised."
"What do you mean?"
"I just mean there are some people who need to believe in the craziest shit."
"Sarah!"
"I mean it. Have you ever stopped to think about it? The gold tablets? The seeing stones? The native Americans being descended from Israelites? The series of Gardens of Eden? It's ridiculous. And you are not the only ones with crazy creation stories or prophet stories. The more you look at it, the stranger it all becomes."
"I… I guess it just kinda makes sense to me."
"Yes, so it would if it's all you've ever known and all you will ever search for."
"Did you go searching? Is that why you've been gone for so long?"
"In a way. I got my degree in religious studies. Nothing turns you against religion faster than studying it."
"And now you are back? Or just visiting?"
"Don't know yet. I am going to see the family."
"When was the last time you saw them? Like, your father and Nicki and Margie? And all the little ones?"
"It's been a long, long time. I mean, I see Mom and Teeny every year, but I haven't seen Dad since I left. Once Margie forced her way into a meeting, which was fine. She brought her baby Nell. Cute little thing, but it was weird having yet another sibling, especially one that wasn't my mom's. It's hard to have to think of Margene as my mother and Nell as my sister and Dad as a decent man following God's word. I just can't do it. But I am going over for dinner tonight. And that's kinda why I called. I was hoping maybe I could convince you to join me. It would make it a little more bearable."
"Sure, of course. I would love to. How many kids are there now?"
"Mom said there were 20. I can't even begin to keep them all straight. Mom sends me pictures every year but it's like Margene's had a kid a year since I left. And his wife Ana has three as well. And even Nicki has added a few more. Plus, did you know she actually had a kid before she married dad? It was this huge drama that her father hid. She lives with them now. I think her name is Caroline or something. And then his new wife, Carmelita – "
"Another one!?"
"There's always another one. Carmelita's got the other two. Plus, Mom said that Carm and Margie are both preggers. Big flippin surprise. It's sick. It's sick and wrong and I am disgusted to have to sit at their table. Oh!" she cried. "And that little fucktard brother of mine, Benny, got his twins pregnant at the same time. They had their babies a week apart. One had a boy, the other a girl. Insanity! But he is living the Principle and hoping to get his third wife as soon as the twins younger sister comes of age. I hate my family."
"Will they be ok if I come?"
"Sure. They already know you. And I am sure they will care more that I am there than the fact that my date is a girl."
Heather nearly choked on her hot chocolate. "Oh, I am sorry. I just… joke, I know. Or not that. I just… oh, I've made a mess."
Sarah smiled softly and used her napkin to help clean it up. "Date doesn't mean that. I mean, it can, but if you are gonna spit hot chocolate all over the table then you are just going as my friend. Unless you are too freaked out to do that."
"No, of course not. Friends." She tried to say it in a way that would make null and void the unexpected, nerve wracking part of the conversation. She even held out her hand to seal the deal.
Sarah laughed and shook it. "Still a dork I see. I've missed you, Heather Tuttle." She held her hand a half a second too long to make it known that the word date was still up for definition. And Heather found herself blushing and her stomach flipping and her desire for a husband lessening. Oh Lord, she thought, but couldn't find any more words, instead choosing to follow Sarah out of the coffee shop, into her rental car, and into her life.
The majority of the Hendrickson's still lived in the same place since Heather had last come to visit them. Barb had moved to a smaller house deeper in the neighborhood with only Tancy for company, who was now in her senior year of high school. Nicki still had her place. Margene and Ana were sharing a house, though their friendship was strained through the bonds of a marriage that left them competing for the attention of the same man. Bill moved around from house to house, spending one night with each wife.
But tonight was a special night. Tonight, Sarah was coming home. Everyone would be there, at Margene and Ana's house (Nicki's house was bigger, but she had unfortunately decided to start a long delayed project to paint all the downstairs walls the day before.) And so it was that they were all gathered round.
Heather tried to keep everyone's names straight. She knew Barb and Tancy, but seeing little Teeny all of 18 years old now made her feel very much the old maid. Margene and Nicki seemed little changed – one bubbly and enthusiastic, wrapping Heather into a warm hug as if they were long lost friends, and the other eyeing her skeptically as if she had betrayed them with her absence. Margene had her hands full with six little ones, all under the age of eight… Lester, Aaron and Nell, whom Heather had seen years before, and now Shane, Lana, and Teena. She looked about ready to burst with her next one. Nicki's own brood had obviously given up on her. Preteened Wayne and Raymond were busy trying to light firecrackers with a magnifying glass and the disappearing evening sun. Around them, were Julena and Eliza, who both started chasing their brothers around the pool until the older girl was pushed into the pool and Barb had to come out to break up the ruckus and towel off Julena.
Heather did her best to be pleasant and cordial while not displaying any sign of acceptance as she met Ana, the older Serbian woman, and Carmelita, a woman younger than Sarah who had come from one of the FLDS compounds in Mexico. She did not understand how these women could flock to Bill Henrickson and why on earth they all wanted to have his babies. Ana couldn't even shake Heather's hand, as her arms were full, balancing one of her twins on each hip. A pale toddler clung to her legs and looked up at Heather with her fist in her mouth. Carmelita's infant had just spat up on her, and she giggled as she tried to wipe it off before shaking Heather's hands. Heather shuddered a little at the cold sticky residue left on her own hand. Sarah pointed out the dark, curly haired two-year old fighting to get down from Tancy's grip as Carmelita's older child. "My 15th or 16th sibling, I think."
A sullen girl sat apart from everyone in the window seat. Heather recognized her immediately as being Nicki's long lost daughter. She expected her to be more like her mother or even Rhonda, but as soon as they made eye contact, Cara Lynn looked away embarrassed and afraid. The young woman seemed traumatized, and the chaos of the family made Heather wonder if they were completely oblivious to it.
Money was tighter than before, what with four houses, five wives, and 17 dependent children and two on the way. There were five cars and although Teeny never asked, Bill knew that she wanted a car and a college degree, but that it would have to be forsaken, just as it was with his eldest child, Sarah. She had not understood that some things must be sacrificed for the sake of the family as a whole, that he couldn't favor one child above the others. Some would say that he had shown Ben favoritism, but Ben was his oldest son and reminded him of himself. And marrying two girls at the same time when he was 20 was a good enough reason to give the boy a new SUV. And now that he had two little ones at home, Bill thought it necessary to give him a little something extra whenever he could.
Ben was there with his wives and children as well. Sissy and Penny were inseparable and in that way, untrustworthy, as well as insufferable, as Nicki muttered towards Heather upon their arrival. Their babies were even the same age, practically twins themselves – Almost two and strangely identical, with their curly brown hair and big blue eyes. Sherland and Sherelle they were named.
When Sarah and Heather entered, it was a madhouse. With nineteen children aged ten and under, there was nothing but chaos, though it was controlled. But with the excitement of a prodigal sister (they had learned of the prodigal son the night before from their mothers at Bill's request) there was no controlling them. Barb and Margie both came and greeted Heather warmly and chatted with her while Sarah went to speak to her father briefly in another room. They returned still smiling, with Bill's arm around his daughter, so Heather guessed everything was alright. She was an unexpected guest, but when you are making dinner for over twenty, you can always squeeze in another.
Bill had splurged and bought three prime ribs, as well as hamburger meat for the younger ones. There were garlicky potatoes and green bean casserole and corn on the cob, and for dessert, chocolate pudding (which made Sarah give Heather a look, as they had just been discussing chocolate's caffeine content at the coffee shop beforehand) and banana cream pie. The mood was festive and Heather could sense Sarah's ease and quiet joy at being back in the mix, along with her severe discomfort brought on by the excess of immediate family members and her disdain for her family's beliefs.
Eventually, the little ones were all put to bed, up in the nursery, three to a crib, the rest on mats on the floor. Then the big kids were schlepped off to other beds and couches and cots. Finally, just the adults remained and Heather knew that Sarah was reaching the end of her endurance. Heather yawned and apologized, and when asked, said that she'd been up since five for church, and would have to be up early the next morning as well for work. Sarah realized it was an out, and quickly offered Heather a ride home. She hugged her other mothers goodbye, even the ones she had only just met, kissed and hugged her sister and mother, and then meekly accepted a hug from her father. She was instructed to return and even Heather found an invitation from Barb to drop by anytime she wanted. She was always welcome.
Once in the car, Sarah turned to her. "Do you really have to go to work tomorrow morning?"
"Yes, really."
"Damn, I was hoping we could go out on the town. But I guess there's really not a lot to do after 10 on a Sunday."
"No, there really isn't. But maybe tomorrow? We could do something."
"Like what? Dinner?"
"Um, sure. Dinner is fine."
"Great. It's a date. Whoops. Sorry. Forgot you don't like that word. I'll pick you up at 6, ok?"
Heather left feeling a bit bubbly. And she had to admit that she did not sleep much that night. The next morning she was able to reason herself back to a state similar to normalcy. She tried to talk to her mother and father about day to day things, but her mother sensed she was acting strangely and her father was busy telling her about a new young man on the force who was a bit younger than Heather, but unclaimed, and he'd already spoken to him about the possibility of meeting his daughter. "Oh Dad, that's sweet of you, but I think I need to take a breather for a bit, ok? Plus, Sarah's back in town and I want to see her as much as I can before she leaves." She feared that the words would be taken the wrong way and that her parents would read into them and see the truth that she did not want to admit.
Ever since Rhonda, the polygamist girl from the compound, who had been sealed to Nicki's father, the prophet, ever since she'd said to Heather that she would tell everyone she was gay for Sarah, Heather had worried about it. At first, after she told her mother in an effort to circumvent Rhonda's vicious rumor, she was just nervous that there would be something to lend credence to the lies that might possibly reach the ears of someone else. But it never happened, and eventually Rhonda was brought back to the compound, and made the 17th wife of Albee in his father's absence (which he himself had constructed.) Still, Heather had a seed of doubt. Perhaps there was something in her behavior which made Rhonda latch onto the idea. Heather tried to distance herself from her few female friends, but she only had so many friends of either gender, and it was looked down upon to socialize with boys, and she soon found herself very lonely.
There was a girl in her chemistry class whom Heather found herself staring at more than was acceptable. And she knew that she sought her out, and for that reason, would barely talk to the girl who was mystified at the standoffish behavior from a fellow Latter Day Saint. But Heather knew she had to do it. And once, something that she tried to block from her memory, she traveled further upstate and met with an LDS counselor to discuss anonymously the evils of same-sex attraction and how to make sure she avoided it. She never told her mother about that, or indeed, anyone at all.
And now, after some years of practice keeping these thoughts far, far away from her conscious self, Sarah had shown up and was bringing it all to head. There was really only one proper thing to do – cancel. She called Sarah's cell, but it went straight to voicemail. "Something's come up and I am afraid I will not be able to make dinner tonight. Perhaps you would like to join my family for dinner tomorrow? We are going to a church function Wednesday night, if that interests you at all. Um, give me a call and let me know you got this. Sorry for the inconvenience."
But Sarah did not call. Instead, she knocked on Heather's door at 6 o'clock sharp. "I thought you said you were busy tonight?" she asked, the look in her eyes saying that she did not buy the excuse for a second.
"I was, I am. Just trying to get out the door."
"And where are you going exactly?"
"Um, to my friend Katya's. She invited me over last week and I totally forgot and I had already promised to see her and so I have to."
"Well, then, let's just go to Katya's and see if she would mind parting with you for one night so that you can hang with an old friend who's only in town for a short while. Or we could just skip that, since I bet Katya would be pretty surprised to have you show up tonight. If there is a Katya."
Heather's cheeks burned with embarrassment.
"You are a terrible liar, you know," said Sarah. "I could always see right through you. You need to learn how to be more assertive. If you had a backbone, you would have called me and simply said, 'Sarah, I cannot see you tonight. You make me uncomfortable. I am afraid that I might be a lesbian and I cannot indulge in activities that stimulate same-sex attraction.'"
Heather's eyes grew wide with terror and she jumped at Sarah, physically covering her mouth. "My mother will hear you. Don't talk like that. Let's just go, ok?"
Sarah sent her a playful smile as they walked to the car, but Heather had to admit that she was angry with the provocation. But Sarah did not mention anything on the car ride over, just bantered about how her father wanted her to stay at Barb's house, but how she refused to do so if he would be there. Things were still tense apparently, despite how peaceful everything seemed the night before.
Sarah took Heather to a simple restaurant in a liberal pocket of the city. There were campaign signs from previous elections for local democrats and even a rainbow sticker on the front window. She feared for a moment that this was a gay bar, but everyone looked pretty normal and most of the couples dining were men and women.
They spent the evening catching up on all the things they'd missed over the last five years. Sarah talked about her adventures in North Carolina, going to school at UNC, getting her degree and working like a dog through the whole thing. She now had a degree but no career plans, and no money. Her father had bankrolled this trip at her mother's bequest. She was hoping to get a little money to put towards her master's but thought it unlikely. She was even willing to go to the University of Utah, if that would help. Heather talked about her missionary work in Germany and about her family.
She noticed that Sarah was keeping the conversation free of any unpleasantries. The Sarah she used to know seemed to enjoy throwing a curveball into the conversation and seeing what happened. Heather kept herself prepared, but nothing ever came of it. Sarah drove her home and gave her nothing but a smile at parting.
Heather found herself confused on so many different levels. And then Sarah did not contact her for several days. Heather most certainly could not reach out and so she pretended like Sarah was just an acquaintance and their visit during Sarah's sojourn was completed.
When Sarah and Heather parted ways the night after their dinner, Heather began trying to talk some sense into herself. She hid in the bathroom for several extra minutes, looking in the mirror and thinking, "I am a homosexual." But it seemed absurd. She wasn't a homosexual. She was perfectly normal. She was Heather Tuttle and one day she would get married and have children and all this would be behind her. "I will fall in love with a man," she thought. At first it seemed right, it fit into the image she saw in the mirror. She repeated it a few more times. And then something began to shift. How odd was that, she pondered, loving a man? They were so… different. Like night and day. But that was why men and women belonged in heterosexual unions, to compliment one another. God made them into corresponding shapes. Opposites attract.
She began to think of her parents and suddenly the idea of them together, though she'd known them only in that way her whole life, seemed absurd. Were they really in love? Could they truly know and understand one another's souls? And then to think of Sarah's father and his five wives. Where was the balance there? And dammit, why had God sanctioned plural marriage? she thought angrily. Why had he sanctioned it and then shortly thereafter discontinued it? Why was God so… frivolous? Couldn't he plan accordingly? And why the heck had he put all these confusing thoughts and desires in her when all she wanted was to be a good Mormon without any drama or roadblocks to salvation?
Of course, salvation wasn't supposed to be easy to attain. This was her test from God, and it would make her stronger afterward. Perhaps, she thought, she should call that nice man she'd had dinner with a couple weeks ago, the one who nearly broke down in tears and admitted he was a homosexual. Perhaps they, in their similar struggle, could find a common ground and a bond. She decided she would call him. Perhaps they could marry soon and things would make sense again. Certainly the bonds of marriage would make life easier and would bring God's blessings on them. Perhaps if they married, he would remove the evil desires from their souls.
By the end of the week, she still had not called, and Sarah had not called her. She went to church that morning with her family and smiled at Matthew, the man she had intentions of calling and secret ambitions to marry. When the service was over, she saw that she had received a call. Sarah had invited her over for Sunday dinner again.
Heather wasn't sure she should accept, as Sunday dinners were sacrosanct. She'd already missed her own family night the week before and she asked her mother what she should do. Her mother was no longer indulgent of her daughter spending time with the polygamists, especially given that her daughter was unmarried. She did not trust Bill Hendrickson and was relieved that her daughter escaped and had shown no interest in the family since then. Instead, she suggested that Sarah join them for Sunday dinner. She readily accepted.
She had not been in their home, obviously, in five years. The Tuttles were friendly and hospitable, as was the nature of Mormons. But Sarah did not exactly return the favor. Sure, she was congenial and she smiled and said please and thank you, but when they asked her questions, she had the gall to answer truthfully. Heather spent most of the meal in various shades of red, her stomach too twisted in knots to eat. When they prayed, Sarah did not hold hands or say Amen. When her parents asked if she had found a nice church to attend in North Carolina, Sarah answered that she had not attended a church since her father pulled the family out of the Mormon church when she was 11. They asked her if she had thought of joining one, but she said no, on the grounds that she did not believe in supernatural beings who lived in the sky and arbitrarily sent out pain and suffering to the very beings he supposedly created. She seemed to grow bitterer by the minute. And then came the question Heather knew was coming:
"Why aren't you married yet, Sarah? I see that there's no ring on that finger," asked Mrs. Tuttle, trying her best to remain polite.
"No ma'am. But I have a girlfriend."
That was not the response Heather was expecting, and the look of shock she gave Sarah across the dinner table was severe enough that no one else thought she had an inkling either.
"Oh." Mrs. Tuttle did not know how to respond. At all. She was rather floored. She knew her daughter still volunteered at the LGBT center and feared what it meant now that she was friends with one of them, rather than just a mentor. "Well, who wants dessert?" she asked, even though no one had managed to finish their meals.
"I think I am pretty full, Mrs. Tuttle. Thank you very much for the lovely dinner. Heather, it was a pleasure. Perhaps we can meet up again before I leave. I'll just see myself out." She flashed an impish smile at Heather and then she was gone.
"Mom, I had no idea," said Heather, the moment the door closed. "Really. If I'd known, I would never have invited her."
"Now, Heather, that's not polite. But I would suggest you not see her again unless you feel it absolutely necessary. And perhaps you could keep your future correspondence to a minimum."
Something snapped in Heather, like a little dry reed rather than a branch from a study tree. It was tiny and hollow, but it snapped all the same. Hearing her mother tell her to do the things she had only volunteered to do was too much. She asked for permission to go out for a walk to clear her head and her father granted it.
The first thing she did was call Sarah. "Is it true? You have a girlfriend?"
"Yes. I don't lie."
"It's just, wow, I never knew."
"Oh, I think you knew. I always suspected that you could see more into me than anyone else. You were the one always talking about your work with the transgendered or whatever it was back when we first met. I figured you were trying to get info about not just my family but my preferences too. But I wasn't ready to deal with them myself, and certainly not with you."
"I'm not home. Do you want to come pick me up? I am at the corner of Sycamore and Winter Haven. We could go to that coffee shop and talk."
"We could. Or we could go to my hotel room."
"Um, I am not interested in you that way, Sarah."
"If you say so."
Heather had never been so terrified as she was when Sarah finally drove up next to her. "Well, chica, what now?"
"I thought we could talk. Maybe you need a friend."
"I already have a friend, dingbat. And I am not in need of support."
"Ok then."
At the coffee shop, as Heather sipped her hot apple cider, she listened to Sarah talk about Miranda, her girlfriend, how they'd met at a similar coffee shop in Chapel Hill, how they'd both come from Mormon backgrounds, how they were both anti-religious now. She talked about kissing her that night, and she talked about fucking her the next (and she enjoyed watching Heather's eyes grow big as she squirmed with unease.) "I meant what I said, about going to my hotel room."
"But what about your girlfriend?"
"She gave me permission, if you were willing."
"Seriously? I mean, not that I am interested, but seriously? That's not right. You should at least be practicing monogamy."
"We are. You are the only one I would ever seek out beyond Miranda. She knows it. And I know that if any of her celebrity crushes were to grace Raleigh with their presence, she has full permission to pursue them. Along with her sixth grade crush, since she needed a real person too."
"I don't know what to say to that. Other than maybe it's time I headed home. I feel uncomfortable."
"And slightly turned on, eh?"
"No! Would you mind taking me home?"
"On one condition."
"No conditions. I'll just call my dad, ok?"
Sarah stood up and held out her hand. "Come on, Heather, don't be a wuss. I am not going to molest you."
Heather accepted it and stood up as well, but then pulled her hand away. They walked to the car in silence. Only when they were just around the corner from Heather's house did Sarah stop the car and turn to her friend. "I am leaving tomorrow morning. Dad still isn't willing to help me with school and Mom still isn't willing to leave him. But before I go, and as your payment for taking you home early, all I ask is for a kiss. You need it. I know you think about it. I can read it in your eyes. I can see it on your face. You are curious and you are scared. And there's only one way to know for sure what's going on." With that, she leaned over and placed a hand behind Heather's head, pulling her in for her first kiss.
Heather was amazed at the way she forgot to breath, at how her lips seemed so sensitive as to feel like putting them against Sarah's was the same as placing them against an electrical current. Her skin broke out in goose bumps and she shivered so violently that the kiss was broken. Yet she liked it. And she knew that Sarah liked it by the way she smiled. And Heather could not help but smile in return. She got out of the car without a word and walked away.
In the bathroom again, she stood in front of the mirror. It still seemed odd to think of herself as a homosexual, as a lesbian. But whenever she mouthed the words, "I kissed Sarah Hendrickson," she could not fight back the smile that invaded her face. That part was true. "And I liked it." Still true, still smiling. "And I want more." Still true, still smiling.
Her phone rang, announcing a new text message. "How's life outside the closet?" asked Sarah.
She thought for a moment, and finally texted back, "Bright. Too much air. Not enough you."
"Just don't go back in. Promise me that. Call me if you need to talk."
And strangely enough, Heather found that she did not need to call Sarah, not just yet. That there was enough to sort through, enough to process, enough to look forward to and enough to dread. So she closed her phone without responding and went to bed a new person.