Present Day Thanksgiving 2001
Another Geller-Bing Thanksgiving has come to a close and now the six friends were sitting in Monica and Chandler's living relaxing, all stuffed from their meal. Well, actually, just two. Monica and Phoebe were in the kitchen with Joey as he continued on his promise to finish an entire turkey and Ross had left to go to Carol and Susan's to pick up Ben, so it was just Rachel and Chandler sitting, Chandler in the big chair and Rachel on the couch, glancing through her old high school yearbook. It had been an interesting Thanksgiving to say the least. Monica, Ross and Rachel's old high school classmate, Will had joined them and it was revealed that he and Ross started a rumor about Rachel having both female and male genitalia. This angered Rachel and now hours after Will left, she was still a little mad. Chandler kept watching her. He had heard the rumor when he was in high school and despite having run into Rachel three times in 1988 and now being friends with her for the past seven years, he had for some reason never really put it together that she had been that girl. the girl he and his friends had wanted find all those years ago.
"What?" Rachel asked. She had noticed Chandler staring at her like he wanted to say something and she was getting a little annoyed.
"Nothing," Chandler said, wondering if he could tell her this story.
"Hey, Chandler," Rachel said as she looked up from her yearbook and over at him. She too has been wondering about Chandler, more importantly about something he had mentioned during dinner."Is it true?"
"What?"
"That your high school had heard the teeny weenie rumor?" Rachel asked.
Chandler's grin grew broader, he may have to tell and he did love that story even if there was a possibility Rachel might not although the story did end in Rachel's favor so maybe.
"Yep."
"How? You lived like almost an hour away from Long Island."
"I heard it...and-and that's not all."
"What? And why are you beaming like you just had sex...or you just passed gas."
"Well...I have a story but...you may kill me," Chandler said.
"I've been thinking of doing that for years. But I like Monica too much," Rachel said. Chandler let out a snort as he shook his head.
"We visited Lincoln High to find out," Chandler said.
"What?" Rachel asked.
"You did what?" Monica asked, looking at him from the kitchen table.
"A bunch of my buddies and I heard there was a cheerleader in Long Island who had two parts and we wanted to see so we drove out there," Chandler said, the grin on his face becoming so wide his jaw began to hurt.
"Wh-how...what?" Rachel asked.
"How did you even know?" Phoebe asked.
"Well, Rachel you went to high school with a girl named, Nancy Branson? Right" Chandler asked.
Rachel's mouth dropped opened as she looked at her yearbook again, furiously flipping through the pages until she reached what she was looking for.
"Yes, her," Rachel said, holding up the yearbook and pointing to a picture. Chandler got up and walked towards her, looking at it. He nodded and returned to his original seat.
"That was her."
"That bitch stole my boyfriend and...you knew her?" Rachel asked.
"Well, not well. I only met her once. I had a good buddy in high school named, Tyler Branson. Tyler had a cousin who lived in Long Island who went to Lincoln High-"
"And was named, Nancy Branson. Oh my G-d and you came looking for me," Rachel said.
"We were seventeen...it was actually a pretty good story," Chandler said.
"Let me be the judge of that and Mon, you might end Thanksgiving as a widow," Rachel said.
"Oooo, goodie. More room in the bed for me," Monica said.
"I wanna hear this story. Turkey break," Joey said.
As Monica, Phoebe and Joey got up from table to walk towards the living room area, Ross walked in, carrying a sleeping Ben. He looked curiously, wondering what was going on and after being told it was now story time, he put Ben on the bed in the guest room and came out to join the rest of the group. Chandler could not stop smiling and Rachel's angry glares in his direction only spurred him on.
"Alright, alright...it was 1986. I was seventeen..." Chandler began his story as the group hung onto every word.
Flashback 1986
It was lunch time at Westbury High School, a boarding school for boys nestled in a forest in New York. Chandler was sitting in the dining hall, glancing through a comic book and eating a sandwich. His hair was in the Flock of Seagulls stage and looked very much like the epitome of any 80's teen.
"Okay, dude...guess what," Tyler Branson said.
Chandler looked up to see his best friends, Tyler, Dave, Joel and Matty plop themselves down at his table. When Chandler had first thought of attending boarding school right before ninth grade, he had done it to get away from his family. When he had first arrived, he had been worried because while he was thrilled to be away from his parents, he was worried about his ability to make friends. This was something that was never a strong suit for him but now, at seventeen, he had a pretty good group, a group that seemed to understand him despite his insecurities and sometimes odd behavior.
"What?" Chandler asked.
"Remember that girl we were talking about? The one with two parts?" Tyler asked.
"Yeah," Chandler said.
"I found out where she goes to school," Tyler said.
"Finally, where?" Chandler asked.
"Lincoln High with my cousin, Nancy," Tyler said.
"Lincoln High...that was like the one school we didn't look at. Man," Chandler said.
"I know, I can't believe we didn't think of Lincoln High. I just got off the phone with Nancy-" Tyler said.
Present Day: Thanksgiving 2001
"Wait, wait...hold on...you really sought me out?" Rachel asked.
"We did. My friend, Matty was from Long Island and he had heard from a friend of his that there was this hermaphrodite cheerleader at a high school but no one knew which one...so we had to do some research," Chandler said.
"Mon," Rachel began glaring at Chandler, "did I ever tell you how much I truly liked Richard. I really was rooting for you two."
Chandler glared back at Rachel, "teeny weenie."
"Shut up," Rachel said.
"What school did your friend, Matty go to?" Ross asked.
"He went to Washington Junior High and then transferred to Westbury High after his parents moved to Old Westbury, but he still had family and friends in Long Island," Chandler said.
"Wait, Washington? They were our rivals. How widespread was this...Ross?" Rachel asked, glaring at him.
"I-well...Happy Thanksgiving. Did I mention how beautiful you look tonight," Ross grinned.
"I'm gonna kill both of you," Rachel said.
"I get to be an only child too," Monica grinned.
"You still won't be the favorite," Ross said.
"I know," Monica said, pouting a little.
"Okay, so Matty heard the rumor from a friend of his, I guess that there was a hermaphrodite cheerleader at one of the high schools in Long Island. We didn't know for sure which one so Tyler, Matty and my friend, Dave where the only ones who knew people in Long Island so they made some calls and that was how Tyler found out from his cousin that it was a cheerleader at Lincoln High."
"I can't believe you sought me out." Rachel said.
"Yep," Chandler said, the grin returning as Rachel grabbed a pillow from the couch and threw it at his head. Chandler caught the pillow and laughed.
Flashback: 1986
"According to Nancy, there's a game this Friday night at Lincoln High. The Hermaphrodite is going to be cheering at the game," Tyler said.
"They let hermaphrodites be cheerleaders?" Matty asked.
"Ooo, I wouldn't wanna be there when she does her leg lifts," Dave said.
"According, to Nancy it's really small. The penis is..." Tyler said.
"But...it's still there. We gotta drive to Long Island, this Friday," Joel said. "Bing? You driving?"
"I drive everywhere. I don't know, I feel uncomfortable driving to Long Island to see a penis. I mean...we go to an all boys school. Shouldn't we be driving to look for something else?" Chandler asked.
"Dude, it's Long Island. The girls that live in Long Island all wanna have sex," Matty said.
"Really?" Chandler asked.
"Oh, yeah...they'll even have sex with you if you ask," Matty said.
"They will? Like if I ask them nicely, they'll have sex with me?" Chandler asked.
"Yeah, maybe you'll hook up with the hermaphrodite," Matty said.
"I don't wanna hook up with a hermaphrodite," Chandler said.
"Dude, have you even touched a girl's boob yet?" Joel said.
"I have," Chandler said.
"Whose and it can't be your mom's...although, I would like to touch your mom's boobs," Dave said.
"Really?" Chandler asked, raising an eyebrow, "I have touched a girl's boob and I kissed a girl...sort of once...by accident. Oh, crap...maybe I will hook up with the hermaphrodite. It would fit into my life story perfectly. The son of an erotic novelist and drag queen hooks up with a girl that has both parts. Why not?"
"Alright, let's figure this out. How are we getting to Long Island?" Matty asked as he pulled a map out of his pocket. The five boys leaned in to start planning their route to Long Island to meet this elusive cheerleader who apparently had both parts.
Thanksgiving 2001 Present Day
"Wait, why wasn't I invited?" Joey asked which caused Chandler and Ross to give him a look. Joey let out a sigh and nodded, "oh, I wait...now I know why. I didn't have a car to drive to Westbury."
"Yeah, that's why," Chandler said.
"Okay, so the rumor did not travel to Queens," Rachel said.
"No, I never heard the story. But I was too busy having sex with girls that only had vaginas," Joey said.
"I don't have both parts," Rachel said through gritted teeth.
"Once again, I need proof," Joey said.
"Okay, Joe, I'm gonna take the rest of that turkey and shove it up your-"
"Rach, Ben's in there," Ross said, pointing to the guest room.
"That's strange that Joey never heard it. Queens is right in the center between Long Island and Old Westbury...and if it was that widespread," Monica mused.
"Maybe it skipped a town," Rachel said, now breathing heavily and her friend's laughter just made her angrier.
"Okay, Rach, come on Chandler. Finish the story. I wanna hear how you tried to have sex with a hermaphrodite," Phoebe said,
"I am not a-"
"Shhhh," Phoebe said, looking at Rachel while raising a finger to her own lips. Rachel let out another huff. It was moments like that when Rachel wondered what it would have been like had she stayed with her old life. She was pretty sure the friends she had had while dating Barry would never be interested in such nonsense.
Flashback 1986
Chandler was in the Driver's Seat, Tyler in the passengers seat and Joel, Dave and Matty in back. His hands gripped the steering wheel as he listened to his friends talking about Long Island and going out to Lincoln High to see this cheerleader with two parts. He grinned as his friends talked about directions and shook his head. This was interesting way to spend a Friday to say the least.
"Let's do this," Tyler said.
"What are we even gonna do when we get there? We're sure this game is at Lincoln High, right?" Chandler asked.
"Yeah, that's what Nancy said. She said it was at Lincoln High. Nancy's gonna be at the game. We just need to look for her."
"Turn on your car man, let's go. I want some half and half," Matty said.
"Alright, Hermaphrodite Cheerleader from Long Island...here we come," Chandler grinned as he turned the key in the ignition. As the car turned on though, suddenly Barbra Streisand's voice filled the car and "The Way We Were" began blaring from the speakers. Chandler slammed his foot on the brake and reached for the radio, pressing the button to eject the cassette tape. He grabbed it and put it next to him. His friends were all looking at him, giving him strange looks.
"Um...that was my mom's. I don't know how that got in there. Let's listen to The Who. Prince. Culture Club. Oh G-d, help me," Chandler said placing his head on the steering wheel. Tyler patted his back.
"It's alright man. It's a good thing you're funny," Tyler remarked.
Chandler let out a snort as Tyler began playing with Chandler's radio. He backed out of the parking lot as the group of five guys made their way down the highway towards Lincoln High. For seventeen year old Chandler Bing, he loved driving even if he was usually the guy chosen to drive his friends around. For him, driving meant freedom.
About a half hour or so later, the group of five boys pulled into the parking lot of Lincoln High School. Lincoln looked like any other typical school, very different than the boarding school Chandler and his friends had called home for four years. Chandler parked the car as the guys got out of the car.
"Now what?" Chandler asked.
"Nancy said the field was in the back...come on," Tyler said walking off as the others followed him, walking into the building and down a long hallway. Chandler took a look around as he walked, wondering what it would have been like to go to a public school. He had chosen not to go to one after a particularly brutal day in junior high when he was beaten up by some kids in the locker room because of who his parents were. He felt it would get so much worse when he got to high school so he chose boarding school so that no one would know who parents were.
They finally reached the football field. Lincoln High was playing some other team. Chandler noticed a group of girls dressed in short red and white pleated skirts and in a huddle and a group of guys in tight spandex running back and forth. Chandler smiled a little to himself as he thought of how much his dad would have enjoyed that.
"Tyler," Nancy said as she walked over to them, hugging her cousin.
"Hey, Nance. These are my friends, Chandler, Matty, Dave and Joel," Tyler said.
"Hey guys...so you wanna know who the Hermaphrodite Cheerleader is?" Nancy asked.
"That's why we came," Tyler said.
"Do you think she'll show us?" Joel asked.
"More than that...we wanna hook her up with Chan Man over here," Matty said, patting Chandler on the back.
"I am not hooking up with half and half," Chandler said.
"Think of the story it would be. I mean, we're going to college next year. That story would make you a legend," Matty said.
"For some reason, I doubt that my future college roommate will care if I hook up with the Hermaphrodite Cheerleader," Chandler said.
"Come on, let's go," Nancy said, pulling Tyler's arm. The group walked towards the bleachers. As they made there way through the crowds, they found a few empty spots right behind a rather heavy girl with long black curly hair eating what seemed to be a cheeseburger and fries. "These spots okay?"
"Yeah," Chandler said as they all sat.
"You sure? I'm sure we would have a better view if Monicow would just move," Nancy said.
"Monicow?" Chandler asked.
"Tub of lard in front of us," Nancy said, pointing. The girl who Nancy was talking about turned to look at them, hurt evident in her blue eyes.
"I can hear you," the girl said. "And my name is Monica."
"Good...Monicow. Although, I am impressed. I think this is the first time you've sat on the bleachers without breaking them. Fatty," Nancy said.
"That's a little harsh," Chandler said, feeling uncomfortable with how mean Tyler's cousin was being to this girl.
"Whatever. Turn around lard ass," Nancy said.
Chandler looked the girl whose eyes immediately filled with tears. She turned back which Chandler was thankful for. He looked over at Tyler who also seemed a little uncomfortable.
"So which one is half and half?" Tyler asked.
"You see that girl over there with the huge nose and the long brown hair?" Nancy asked.
"Oh, yeah," Tyler said.
"That's her," Nancy said. "She's a total slut."
Monica turned around again and glared at Nancy. Nancy let out an annoyed sigh.
"That's my best friend," Monica said.
"She's not your best friend. She likes to hang out with fat asses because it makes her look cuter and standing next to you makes her nose look smaller. Oh, look Monicow, there's your boyfriend," Nancy pointed towards a tall, skinny guy with curly black hair dressed in a band uniform wearing a keytar around his neck.
"That's not my boyfriend, that's my brother," Monica said.
"Wow, I'm uncomfortable," Chandler whispered to Matty sitting next to him.
"Me too. Hey, look...half and half is starting to do leg kicks," Matty pointed.
"Oh," Chandler said.
The boys began staring intently at the girl who had been rumored to have two parts, seeing if perhaps they could catch a glimpse. Although they never did. Throughout the game though, Chandler became more and more grateful that he had gone to the school he went to. He truly hated Tyler's cousin and felt bad for Monica. He wanted to say more, say anything to stick up for her but he wasn't sure what to say so he kept quiet figuring it wouldn't matter anyway.
After the game, Tyler wanted to meet the Hermaphrodite Cheerleader. The five guys had all debated on who would try to hook up with her and Tyler in the end had won. The guys walked down towards the field where the girl with long brown hair and big nose was talking to a group of people.
"I'm gonna go," Tyler said.
"She's so gonna turn you down," Chandler said. "She's hot."
"How can you tell? She doesn't have a face. Just a nose," Nancy said.
"You have to stop," Chandler said.
"What?" Nancy asked.
"You're kind of mean," Chandler said. "I don't know. What you said about that other girl...just weird."
"Why are you concerned? It's not like you'll ever see her again," Nancy said. "Are you planning on marrying her?"
"Well, no...just..." Chandler started, not really sure what to say next and was grateful when Tyler tapped his arm.
"Here I go," Tyler said as he walked towards the crowd. He tapped the girl on the shoulder. She turned and looked at him. Chandler, Nancy and the rest of the group watched as Tyler tried talking to her, all wishing they could hear when suddenly, the girl raised her fist and punched him square in the face. Tyler fell back onto the bleachers, holding his nose as the girl walked off. Chandler, Nancy and the other guys ran to Tyler side to comfort him.
Thanksgiving 2001 Present Day
The group is now staring at Rachel, who is smiling. Chandler was smiling as well. as well. She did remember this story now. Ross, Monica, Joey and Phoebe all exchanged stunned looks.
"Oh my G-d, I remember this story," Rachel said.
"That's so weird. Chandler you were right behind Monica," Phoebe said.
"I hated that Nancy. She was so mean," Monica said.
"I wouldn't worry about Nancy though. 'Cause I keep in touch with Tyler from time to time and she's apparently been divorced like five times and and gained about two hundred pounds," Chandler said.
"You know this?" Monica asked.
"Yep. He sent me a picture from his kids naming and sent me an email. I'll print out the picture for you. And Rach, what did Tyler say to you because I don't know that. He wouldn't tell us. The entire care ride home, he kept calling you the penis bitch."
"He walked up to me and said that he didn't care what society said that he thought that it was beautiful that I was so comfortable with both my penis and my vagina and would I like to go back to his car and we could get comfortable together," Rachel said.
"Smooth," Chandler said. "And wait...it would have been my car."
"Rachel can knock you out," Ross said.
"That's what happen when you have both parts," Joey said.
"Joseph," Rachel said.
"I remember you punching some guy out at that game. I didn't know he was a friend of Chandler's, obviously. But I thought that was sexy of you," Ross said.
"Of course you did," Rachel said.
"That just strikes me as so odd. You four met before you even met...so strange," Phoebe said.
"You know, Chandler...now, I do remember that game and seeing Monica upset and seeing Nancy sitting next to five guys and I thought one of them was quite cute...the guy with Flock of Seagulls haircut. Do you know which guy I'm talking about? In fact, if that guy had come up to me and talked with me, I probably would have said okay," Rachel said.
"Really?" Chandler asked.
"Really?" Monica asked.
"Yeah, but then I thought he was gay so instead, I just told everyone that Nancy Branson made out with five guys from a boarding school in Old Westbury and one of those guys was her cousin and the other was super gay." Rachel smiled.
Chandler glared at her and grabbed the pillow off his lap and chucked it at her head. Rachel started laughing as she tried to bat the pillow away. The laughter soon died down as the group exchanged looks. Soon, Joey went to go resume his turkey eating, Ross went to go check on Ben and Phoebe went to talk with Joey, leaving Monica, Rachel and Chandler on the couch.
"You alright that I told that story?" Chandler asked.
"Yeah, I'm fine," Rachel smiled.
"And thanks for telling Nancy Branson she was being mean," Monica said.
"You know, I did something else too..." Chandler said.
"What?" Monica asked.
"Well, I though it was kind of mean what she did. I was bullied too. It's why I chose boarding school. You guys know the story. I was beaten up so badly in junior high because of my parents...I don't know, I'm kind of sensitive to that kind of stuff. I know it hurts. So before I left, I asked Tyler what car was Nancy's. Tyler was in pain. So he didn't give a crap. He pointed out her car. I had some shaving cream and silly string in my car from some prank and Matty, Joel, Dave and I-"
"That was you?" Monica asked, staring at him, her mouth dropped opened.
"Yep," Chandler smiled.
"You sprayed her car?" Monica asked.
"I remember that. That was so funny," Rachel said as Ross walked back out and sat at the coffee table. "Did you know that it was Chandler and his friends who sprayed Nancy's car after that game?"
"Seriously?" Ross asked.
"I thought she was kind of an ass. Granted, had I known years later you would cut off my toe then-" Chandler grinned as he pulled Monica on to his lap, giving her a kiss.
"Thank you. I love you, Mr. Bing," Monica smiled. "She really tormented me."
"She was horrible," Rachel said, "thanks, Chandler."
"No, problem," Chandler said.
"Wow. It's like we were meant to be friends," Ross said.
"Really," Rachel smiled as she looked back at Joey and Phoebe. Rachel stood up and walked over to the table, Monica, Chandler and Ross followed her. They gathered around Joey, cheering and watching as he polished off the rest of the turkey.