(I'm not narrating, it's this stereotypical narrator you hear in movie trailers on TV. Specifically the narrator in Honest Trailers by Screen Junkies.)
*static*
Honest Shu trailer
From the video game company that loves to make thousands of games about dead Chinese men, they now to bring you the kingdom that promotes...
(Showing Ma Chao)
Justice
(Showing Liu Bei)
Virtue
(Showing Jiang Wei)
BE-NE-VO-LENCE
...But without actually doing it
Shu
Meet Liu Bei, a benevolent man who along with his brothers from other mothers end this chaos
By...
Throwing babies on the ground
Leaving his family behind
Caring for his brother from other mothers than his actual family
Letting millions die because his brothers from other mothers die
But these are all part of getting rid of chaos, right? Right?
He meets Zhuge Liang. A guy who looks strangely like Jesus and has a French-sounding name.
Together, they make a plan to have England take a third of China, Russia taking the top, and that red kingdom that no one pays attention to until Chibi taking that last piece. Just like if you were to share a giant pizza between three friends or in this case, rivals/enemies.
Meet Zhao Yun.
A handsome, strong, athletic, loyal, fast, possibly gay, gravity-defying, selling out poster boy foot soldier that is super exaggerated in fiction. Watch as he...
Perform long jumps and stay in the air for a certain period of time
Cool!
Knock millions of foot soldiers like him off the ground in a CGI flame
Awesome!
Has very close eye-to-eye contact with guys he clashes with
Um...?
Sonics his behind through millions of CGI flaming arrows
Unrealistic!
Kick horses in the faaaace
Whooooa! Animal abuse! This guy does everything!
When - SPOILER ALERT- Liu Bei dies, he entrusts everything to his son, who is stupid thanks to his awesome parenting. He also leaves the stuff to Zhuge Liang, who has been with him since that bridge stage, and didn't even prevent Liu Bei from throwing his baby. So supportive.
Now that Zhuge Liang has the kingdom, he too is sick and has to leave things to a guy he just met on a battlefield rather than his own son. As you watch, he struggles against...
(Showing Sima Yi.)
Is that my dad who is going through a Prince and Abraham Lincoln phase?
Starring...
Discount Buddha (Liu bei)
Duck Dynasty (Guan Yu)
Alcoholics Anonymous (Zhang Fei)
Chinese Jesus (Zhuge Liang)
Female Buddha (Yue Ying)
Liu Kang (Zhao Yun)
Jiang Wrong-Wei (Jiang Wei)
Ninja-kung fu-sombrero-cowboy (Pang Tong)
An extra (Xu Shu)
Hulk Hogan (Huang Zhong)
Puppy Chow (Ma Chao)
The Brady Bunch (Guan babies and Zhangs)
Final Fantasy weapons
And...
Nonexistent benevolence
The Shu kingdom
*static*
Honest Wei trailer
Introducing the kingdom that fucked up your shit worse than M. Night Shyamalan fucked up the Last Airbender
This is a melting pot of warriors that work for a man that can rock two cow licks.
Such as...
(Showing Zhang He)
This homosexual stereotype
(Showing Zhang Liao)
This French stereotype
(Showing Li Dian)
That guy you think is coming to the workplace with a shotgun
(Showing Zhen Ji)
Lady who can slap me any century
(Showing Wang Yi)
My ex-girlfriend
(Showing Xu Chu)
This fat people stereotype
(Showing Cao Pi)
A prince that doesn't sit on a throne of swords or any throne for that matter
(Showing Sima Yi)
Not suspicious AT ALL. I mean...haha! Those hats! He's not threatening! What? He's not in this? Then why does he appear in both stories though? Still not suspicious at all.
Wei
Join Cao Cao and his cousins who you eventually lose track on who's related to who. Wait.. are they brothers? And those are cousins? No? Those two are brothers and THOSE are cousins? Argh! So confusing!
Follow him as he...
Chases after little girls
Chases Liu Bei off to the border of China
Chases random warriors to make them work for him
Says ambition every ten minutes
And...
Stand or sit on a horse dramatically in flashbacks and dreams
He had a long run, and then he dies, leaving his pompous douchebag son to the throne who happens to have the name of cow urine. Phht! Hahaha! Cow Pee! Remember when they used to call him that?
He does just as good while sticking his face in his wife's enormous beewbs. Then he dies of lung disease. Toxic bewbs! His son, a guy you don't even see until the narration. So, you just ignore him since he's not pretty. Then he dies.
Wow, they all have such short life spans. Then this guy...
(Showing Sima Yi rape-facing)
Not suspicious at all still. Haha! That hat! How is that not falling off when he bows down? Those eyelashes though...
Starring...
Two Cows (Cao Cao)
The Frog Prince (Cao Pi)
PTSD Vietnam vet (Xiahou Dun)
Beer belly (Xiahou Yuan)
Chef Boyardee (Zhang Liao)
Tamaki Suoh (Guo Jia)
Jack Sparrow (Jia Xu)
Project Runway (Zhen Ji)
Mike Tyson (Dian Wei
The Blob (Xu Chu)
Dancing with the Stars (Zhang He)
Lightning (Wang Yi)
Gundam (Cao Ren)
Optimus Prime (Pang De)
And...
Everlasting ambition
The Wei kingdom
*static*
Honest Jin trailer
From the kingdom who fucked up your shit
Comes another kingdom that will set your shit on fire and piss on it
Jin
(Showing Sima Yi)
Oh wait, didn't I see him before...? Oh come on! He was planning right under our noses! I can't believe this! My money was on the weirdo guy with an almost afro! (Li Dian) Oh well...
This guy was more dangerous than cow urine, that's for sure... Kmph...Hahaha!
Jin
Watch this smart-ass for seventy years, serve three short-spanned men only to take over things after that, say words that mean you're dumb because he can't say "dumbass", and is a father and is a grandpa already, and yet he still looks like he just graduated college. Seriously, does he use a lot of botox or he's like that? That's not natural. He also dresses like a Korean Soul Reaper and has those hats that make you think he could be Abraham Lincoln's ancestor.
(Shots of Sima Yi with all of his hats)
Does he get these custom-made or something? Is there a specialty store for hats in China? Does he design them?
Meet his two sons. Sima Shi, a pretty guy who strangely looks the same age as his father, has a strange obsession with a food that look like bewbs, dresses like he's going to a musical, and if you put one more letter in his name, it will spell out a common swear word.
(Sima Shi holding a meatbun in happiness)
Haha. Boobs.
Sima Zhao, who looks like that Hawaiian lifeguard I lost my girlfriend to. And every hot beach guy in every movie or on every California beach. Looks nothing like his dad, but he can surf on a guy! How cool is that? He dresses like he was lost in America during the 80's and shows off his aaaaabs like some Jersey Shore douchebag.
Those pecs too.
But wait! There's more!
(Showing Zhang Chunhua)
Whoa... who's she? What? SHE'S the mom? Hubba-hubba! Oh, excuse me... Ahem...
Meet this MILF who is happened to be married to that purple wearing lighthouse. Lucky bastard... Who clearly got her dress from Cinderella when she got her dress ripped up by her evil stepsisters. But I am certainly enjoying the view from here. (Shot of her cleavage) Yeeeah... Excuse me, how come that guy isn't tapping this more? If my wife or girlfriend looked like that, I would have DESTROYED her. Oh, there's another one?
(Showing Wang Yuanji)
Oh, was there such a thing as a blonde Asian? Anyway, she is married to that surfer dude and already has kids with him. Damn, they work fast back then... And she also has booobs and damn! Look at that collar!
This family is like a Chinese Addams family or something.
Follow along as they have a family outing by taking down a corrupt official. Aw, I wish my family had us kill a corrupt official as part of our vacation. After they got rid of that guy, the parents retired and left the power stuff to the sons, never to be seen again.
Until the hypothetical stages. That's a long time. They obviously would had some alone time, if you catch my drift.
You now follow that in-the-closet kid only to have him die by him holding his eye. They didn't even put some blood? That's boring... Then that power goes to Brad Pitt and he has to do more stuff that would have bored you to death because he's in your face in every stage. Along with that small blonde girl and this Kiss-reject.
See...
Eye-holding
Evil laughs and the many many synonyms for calling someone dumb, but they can't use dumbass
Zhao rubbing his head
The name Zhao being said a lot
Rebellions made by the kingdom's own characters
Bewb buns
So... in the end, the guy in those funny hats won? How? He's barely in the story! Oh, well, we all know what he was doing... Bow-chika-bow-wow...
Starring...
Aizen wearing a funny hat (Sima Yi)
The Color Purple
Asshole laughs
Ms. Robinson, haha! Just kidding! Bewbs (Zhang Chunhua)
See ma shit (Sima Shi)
Jersey Shore pecs (Sima Zhao)
Miley Cyrus (Wang Yuanji)
Gene Simmons (Jia Chong)
Deng Thighs (Deng Ai)
That Grudge lady (Guo Huai)
OMG Is that a gun?!
Loki (Zhuge Dan)
Anakin Skywalker (Zhong Hui)
Justin Bieber (Xiahou Ba)
and Jeremy Lin (Wen Yang)
The Jin kingdom
*static*
Honest Wu trailer
From all those kingdoms that have already fucked up your shit
Comes this kingdom that just stands there and watch as the others fuck shit up
Meet the kingdom that you see for a bit in other stories then you completely forget about them since they go away pretty fast and/or you getting lost in their pretty boys' eyes.
Except Chibi. That's when you see these guys flood the place.
Follow along with-
(Sun Jian getting shot with the arrow)
He's already dead? He was only twenty minutes into the screen! Ok, then the older son-
(Sun Ce getting shot)
Dead? Alright, then the younger one. (Showing Sun Quan) Eeeh... those two from before looked more interesting...
Follow Sun Quan, a boring, indecisive, boring, emotional ginger that copied Cow Cow's hair.
(Showing Huang Zhong, Lu Bu, Kazuma Kiryu, and Phoenix Wright)
And pretty much everyone else
Also, he's married, let's see-
(Showing Lian Shi)
WHOA! She looks like she came out of Dead or Alive!
Not that shitty movie, of course
(Shots of Lian Shi)
Yeeeeah... Oh! Let me get back on topic! This woman is Ginger kid's wife and personal bodyguard.
(Showing Zhou Tai)
Along with this Chinese samurai. But she's way better since she can protect him with her ginormous beewbs
But wait! There's more!
(Showing Sun Shang Xiang)
There's this girl that kicks butt better than you with a tongue-twisting name and was your third video game crush after Lara Croft and Zelda.
She's part of this right? Then why you see her for a bit, and she goes off to England. She stops wearing the colors! That's a big no-no if you're supposed to be with the red guys!
(Showing Zhou Yu)
This dude that looks like a lady is the brains here along with...
(Showing Lu Meng)
This old guy
(Showing Lu Su)
This guy with a Jewish hat thing
(Showing Lu Xun)
An anime guy?
Together, they are the brain of the whole kingdom along with others, but you don't pay attention to them because they're generics.
You also have the guys that are the fire power here:
(Gan Ning)
This pirate that debunks pirate stereotypes
(Ling Tong)
Another dude that looks like a lady
(Taishi Ci)
A Roman soldier
(Han Dang)
Who?
(Ding Feng throwing a peon in one cutscene)
Aw! Did you see how he threw that peon?
(Huang Gai)
Cool! He uses a boat!
And...
(Showing Two Qiaos)
This otaku attraction that keeps you distracted from the actual story. Seriously, why are they here?
Join them in a quest for...what were they fighting for again? It's hard to tell...
(Hypothetical ending for Wu in DW8)
But in the end, they have a huge-ass party! That's so awesome! Yeah!
Starring...
Quan Chi (Sun Quan)
Ghost Dad (Sun Jian)
Keigo (Sun Ce)
Tigers
Arrows
BEWBS (Lian Shi)
The Last Samurai (Zhou Tai)
Mr. T (Huang Gai)
A L'oreal commercial (Zhou Yu)
A Covergirl commercial (Ling Tong)
Every anime guy (Lu Xun)
Dragonball Z (Gan Ning)
Game of Thrones extra (Lu meng)
Frankenstein's monster (Ding Feng)
Gladiator (Taishi Ci)
Johnny Depp (Lu Su)
Han DAAAAAMN! (Han Dang)
It's a trap! (Xiao Qiao and Da Qiao)
The Wu kingdom
*static*
Honest Other trailer
Now after you finished those kingdoms, you have the leftovers from Thanksgiving dinner as a group called "Other." They're not a kingdom, but we still call them that.
Other
Meet Lu Bu. The Chuck Norris of that era. He is that guy who kills your character so fast, you didn't have time to piss your pants. And rocks those Cow Cow cow licks. But he crumbles when this-
(Showing Diao Chan)
-woman just walks in pieces of cloth sewn together near him, and he wants her just like that. And he does get her.
(Showing Dong Zhou)
After killing this fat guy. Who is FU-GLY! He's fat, he's ugly, he fugly.
These people just appear for a moment and then they all die, except the girl because we don't know what happened to her. Then there are just these leftovers no one looked at or wanted.
(Showing Yuan Shao)
This Asian British guy that you see dancing around like a wacky-waving-arm-inflatable tube man.
(Showing Meng Huo)
Tribal native king that surprisingly speaks perfect English
(Showing Zhu Rong)
Amazon woman that dresses like a Native American
(Showing Zuo Ci)
Fruity magician guy with paintbrush hair
(Showing Zhang Jiao)
Other fruity guy that uses magic and Patrick starfish hair
And you pretty much forget about these guys until you play their individual stories then you forget about them again.
Starring...
Super Saiyan Chuck Norris (Lu Bu)
Red auras
Marilyn Monroe (Diao Chan)
Randy Savage (Meng Huo)
Paula Deen (Dong Zhou)
Downton Abbey (Yuan Shao)
Gay Paintbrush (Zuo Ci)
Jebus (Zhang Jiao)
and Michelle Obama (Zhu Rong)
The Other "kingdom"
These names were usually the first that came to my head or I made references.