A/N: Here is my second venture into the beautiful cosmos Philip Pullman created. This song always makes me think of Will and Lyra so I was forced to write a fic for it. Please, read and review!
Disclaimer: Unfortunately I don't own His Dark Materials, and especially not the lines I took directly from the books. Also "Remember" belongs to Josh Groban.
Fragment Memories
Remember, I will still be here
As long as you hold me, in your memory
Will's eyes burned. He had never felt so exhausted in his life, but he drank another mouthful of tea and continued to scan his notes for tomorrow's exam. Why had he decided to become a doctor? It was well past midnight and the decision to become a doctor seemed to be the stupidest thing in the world.
Right, to help people, he thought to himself all the while rolling his eyes.
After reading for a couple more minutes, he sighed and closed the book.
Rising from his desk, he stretched his arms out over his head and then collapsed onto his bed.
Every bone in his body ached. Life as a medical student was rough. But he liked it. It kept his mind quick and agile but neither was his in danger of bodily harm every moment of the day like he had been when…
Remember, when your dreams have ended
Time can be transcended
Just remember me
"Of course, Dame Hannah," Lyra said, nodding, "I'll have this done by class tomorrow."
The professor in front of her nodded and turned back to the pile of papers on her desk. Lyra picked up the book that she was assigned to read and turned to leave the room.
"Leave it to the hag to give us that much work to do," Pantalaimon muttered, his silky fur rubbing up against Lyra's neck.
"Hush," Lyra admonished, but secretly she agreed and Pan knew it.
She tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear as she walked out into the courtyard.
It was a cold and silent sort of day. She was glad to have Pan wrapped around her shoulders, keeping her warm.
She started to walk back towards her room in Jordan College. Her head was down and she stared at the cracks in the paved path.
"What's the matter?" Pan asked softly.
Lyra shook her head.
I am the one star that keeps burning, so brightly,
It is the last light, to fade into the rising sun
Will sighed again. Why did he have to think about that now? He wouldn't be able to fall asleep.
He pressed his eyes shut and saw a flash of dirty blond. Not now, why did she have to choose now to torture him?
No, he could never call it torture. Every memory of her was sweet. So sweet it felt sinful sometimes. His only wish in this lifetime was that she would be happy in her world. That she would find someone to love her with the same ferocity with which he loved her.
He and Kirjava had made a pact to think of Lyra and Pan at only specific times. Those times were few and far between because when they got caught up in those thoughts it often led to tears of anger and frustration. He did catch himself thinking of her at odd moments though. In the middle of his particle physics class he had once found himself wondering about what she was doing at that very moment. Was she too in class? Or were she and Pan running across the rooftops of Oxford? Did she still have that carefree spirit? Or had she become more studious and grounded now? A small smile had crept across his lips at the very thought. He hoped she still had that spark in her eyes. He wished…He wished so many things.
But he still had those memories to hold on to.
I'm with you
Whenever you tell, my story
For I am all I've done
Ahead of her she could see a classmate of hers, Jane, walking hand in hand with a boy. Usually if the Master or some professor had seen them, they would have been reprimanded for such behavior. But there were no adults around, and the couple was taking full advantage of that fact.
Lyra watched almost ashamedly as Jane put her head on the boy's shoulder. He smiled and kissed the top of her head as they continued to walk. They walked past her and Jane gave her a radiant smile. Lyra felt like there was an abyss growing inside of her. The same abyss she and Will had crept around in the world of the dead.
She turned away from the young couple and continued walking towards her room. Her walk was stiff and purposeful. She just wanted to get to her bed and collapse.
What had she ever done to deserve this? Others fell in and out of love with graceful ease. But she, who had only fallen in love once and would only love once in her life, was cut off. For others, it might be an idea or a person that increased the distance. For Lyra, worlds separated her and Will. Her Will, Will, lived in a completely severed universe…
Tears did not flow down Lyra's face anymore. She had shed all those when they had first separated seven years ago. Now there was only a cold hard pain. Only a bruised piece of her heart was left.
Only fragmented memories existed.
Remember, I will still be here
As long as you hold me, in your memory
Remember me
It was difficult. His mother always asked him about whether or not he'd met a girl yet. The problem was there was no feasible way to tell her that, yes he had indeed already met a girl. It was just that that girl lived in a different universe.
Will often wanted to tell his mother. But he did not think that with her paranoia and other mental problems, that she would be able to handle it properly. Neither could he tell his mother that he would never find another girl that he truly loved. He had found her and then lost her within a few weeks. He could spend his life comparing any woman to Lyra, but he did not think that would be fair to the other woman. So he'd spend his life alone, hoping that Lyra and Pan were happy in their own world.
The only person Will could ever discuss Lyra with was Mary, not that he did that often. He and Mary had grown closer over the years but there was still quite an age difference and well, Lyra was something of his own.
Mary worked at Oxford now. In her lab she quietly did research into the finer details of anti-matter and whether or not it was conscious. Her time with the mulefa seemed to have given her so many new thoughts on the true nature of science. It fascinated Will: that she had such drive.
His motivation came from Lyra. She had taught him how to focus. The first time when he had handled the knife she had been the one to soothe him. His severed fingers had been bleeding like a dam had broken. He had been so dizzy, so weak. But her gentle hand and calming voice and steadied him. She'd shown him how to concentrate and cut into other worlds.
Will did not even understand the person he would have been without Lyra. Before his journey through world after world with her, he had been a simple boy. After the many perils and the final battle for peace in the many universes, Will had become a man. Her ferocity and his silent power had combined into something indestructible.
Her memory now calmed him during long nights of work. He did the work more for her than for himself. He knew she'd be proud of him if she knew what he was doing.
He liked to think that she was proud of him.
I am the one voice in the cold wind, that whispers
And if you listen, you'll hear me call across the sky
As long as I still can reach out, and touch you
Then I will never die
Lyra sat down at the desk in her room.
"Lyra…" Pantalaimon began.
"It's nothing- I'm fine."
Pan stopped talking and wrapped himself around her even more tightly.
Lyra picked up a fountain pen from the surface in front of her and twirled it idly, wishing it were the needles of her alethiometer instead.
"Pan…What did you and Kirjava talk about that day? Tell me now won't you? It has been seven years," her voice held a certain desperation that it never had before.
"I'm sorry Lyra, now is not that time. I told you, Kirjava decided that we would tell each of you when the time was right. But it is not right at this point in time. I am sorry, Lyra."
Lyra nodded slowly. She put her head down onto the desk. The cool wood against her skin sent shivers through her already cold body. Days like these were such cruel punishment for the only crime she had ever committed – falling in love.
It reminded her of Serafina Pekkala and her cold and striking beauty. But more than anything, it reminded her of Will. The way he had stood in front of the Witch Queen and said, "Please be kind to Lyra for as long as she lives. I love her more than anyone has ever been loved before."
She reached for that passion that Will had. But it was gone. It only existed within her now. And what she had learnt from him. His steady power and fighter-like instincts. When she needed to be strong, she only need tell herself, "Be like Will. Be like Will," and she grew more confident by the moment.
His wisdom, even in that young age, stayed with her and always would.
Remember, I'll never leave you
If you will only
Remember me
Remember me...
His favorite memory of her was of their parting, ironically enough. Her tawny hair had been dimmed by the lack of light around but she still shone more brightly than anything else he had ever seen. Her eyes bright with tears, she had whispered farewell. If there had been a way for him to take that pain away from her, he would have. But his body was then in so much pain that try as he might, there was no way.
He had kissed her over and over again until she had shuddered under his touch.
Kirjava nudged him suddenly.
Will showed no sign of having felt her.
"Will, you need to sleep. You have an exam tomorrow."
He closed his eyes for a moment and then opened them again.
"I can't, you know I can't. Tonight, let me remember."
Remember, I will still be here
As long as you hold me
In your memory
There was a knock at the door.
Lyra didn't move from her position at her desk.
Pantalaimon prodded her for a moment and she finally stood up.
It was the Master, "Lyra, I was hoping you'd join me in my study this evening. I have some excellent new books I believe you will enjoy."
Lyra simply was not up for this. As much as she loved the Master, tonight her heart and mind was heavy with thoughts of Will. "I'm sorry Master, I'm not feeling so well tonight. Please excuse me."
"Oh, of course dear. Do call if you need anything," he said concernedly, but he didn't push the matter. Lyra was nearly a grown woman and she did not need to be coddled. Especially after all that she had dealt with those many years ago.
Lyra closed the door and collapsed onto her bed.
She shut her eyes and let her mind wander to her last memory of Will. They had clumsily bumped cheeks and kissed for the last time before Will's fingers had closed the window. His dark hair and intelligent eyes would forever be inscribed in her mind. No man would ever compare to him. Not by any number of leagues. He was perfection in her eyes: his straight black eyebrows, ready mind, and warrior-like passion.
Her memories would have to last her this lifetime. The lifetime in which she had chose this Republic of Heaven, over her Will.
Remember, when your dreams have ended
Time can be transcended
I live forever
Remember me
Remember me
Remember... me...