She glided her finger across the back of the receiver. The tan phone sat on the table behind the couch as it always had. She knew his number. She had it memorized. She'd always had it memorized. Sometimes when she was alone, she'd take the phone in her hands and run her fingers across the numbers on the dial pad. She wouldn't actually press down on them. She wouldn't let herself go that far. He had Caller ID. If she dialed the numbers and then hung up, he'd still know she had called. Today wasn't any different. She wouldn't even let herself pick it up.
"Why do I even still have a landline?" she asked herself. The kids and mother had their own phones. Having a landline was just something to have in an emergency. Deep down she knew the answer, though. Deep down she'd never get rid of the number because it was her number. He knew her number. He had it memorized. He would call. Someday, he would call.
She wasn't getting any work done. Not in weeks. She had always worked because it excited her, but now it was not like before. Now it was dull and airy like Swiss cheese. It was work and she loved it, but it wasn't complete. It always felt like something was missing. And she knew it wasn't something, it was someone. The best part about work had always been coming home to him. Like a kid whose favorite part of school was recess. She loved the feel of having her ideas accepted and making that million dollar deal. The icing on the cake was coming home and telling him about it. The celebration they would have as a family together always sealed the deal for her. She loved walking in the door to the smell of great cooking. Well, the food didn't hurt, but it wasn't the only thing. His breath on her neck when he'd hug her always smoothed the edges of a rough day. The foot rubs he'd give after she'd been on her feet all day after a long presentation. Life in everyway would never be the same. Not without him.
She walked around the couch and pulled the phone into her lap. Nothing had changed though. She still couldn't get herself to make that call. Picking up the receiver, she ran her fingers across the dial pad. Sitting alone was nothing new. Well, tonight was a little different. After the craziness of firing Marg and explaining to Mother for the upteenth time about why she was okay alone, she actually found herself sitting in the deserted living room. Mona had left to visit her latest beau and Jonathan was up in his room studying for his upcoming finals.
As she cradled the phone, she looked down at the engagement ring she was still wearing. All that evening she had tried to hide it from Mother. She couldn't take it off, but she couldn't let Mother know he still had such a hold on her. She was good, not great, at denying her feelings but she was losing her touch. She couldn't lie much longer. The pain was starting to show on her face. The glare of the ring staring back at her made sure of that. Ring. Ring. The one on her finger and the one that she was waiting to hear from the phone.
Wasn't Sam there? Maybe she would call and tell her how things were going. Maybe she could give her some kind of comfort. And yet she knew, who was she kidding? They hadn't spoken much since she'd come back to town. The awkwardness between them had been thick enough to cut day old bread, but how could it have been avoided? She and Hank were still living in Mona's old apartment. They passed each other in the drive way at least once a day. But she knew even her time with them would be short. Hank's job was turning out to be so successful that they were looking for a place in town.
Everything was changing. Everything was already so different. Jonathan would be gone in another year and then where would she be? Sitting here yet another night caressing the phone? Enough was enough. She had to do it someday and there was no time like the present. For the first time since she had left Iowa she dialed his phone number. Each number was pushed with care. Definite and firm.
With a nervous giggle in her voice she started, "Hi Tony. I have been trying to make this phone call ever since I walked out of your office. I'm sorry I haven't called sooner. I just wanted to let you know that you have been on my mind constantly and as you knew and I have known, I'm just not the same without you. I've made mistakes. I've been an idiot to think that it had to be all ME with you. There has got to be some way to make this work. I don't know how. I have no idea how, but I want you to know that I love you enough try."
At least that would have been the message she'd left if she had pushed the last number. She sat in silence wondering why she had been such a coward again. She imagine herself hanging up the phone, grabbing her keys and running to the door. She imagined she would . . could be brave enough to catch a flight to Iowa tonight. She could be knocking at his door in a few hours. She could be in his arms tonight.
"What are you thinking?" She asked herself again. She hung up the phone and contemplated what to do next. Self-pity and doubt swept over her like a flood. Maybe he and Sam weren't back yet from that thing they were going to. She wasn't even sure what it was that they were doing. All she knew was that Sam was excited and had left the day before in a hurry. She hadn't seen Hank to ask, but it wasn't any of her business. Not any more. She had made too many mistakes. She was sure by now he was moving on. But then again there was that part of her that still held on to that glimmer of hope to think about calling. Faith to see him. The part that had said it was okay to face her fear and try again. Even if it was just over the phone… for now.
She continued to sit there for a while, wondering what to do next. The only thing she could think of was keeping her mind occupied for another hour. He would be home soon. She could call him soon. She thought about walking into the kitchen, but couldn't even think of eating. The apple fritters from before were still sticking with her. The only thing that sounded good right now was a relaxing hot shower. She needed to relax and wait.
Yes, that was it. She had waited a few weeks to hear his voice. She could wait one more hour. With that thought, she got up off the couch and headed up stairs for a nice long shower. Maybe by then she would have the courage to complete the phone call and say, "Hello."