A/N: Okay so I have wanted to write this for a few weeks now and I'm finally getting around to doing it!
Show Me How Big Your Brave Is
"I'm scared, Spock..." choked out Captain Kirk, "Help me not be..."
His eyes searched my own for a comfort that I could not give. After a long pause he spoke again.
"How do you choose not to feel?" he asked, his eye line dropping to the ground.
"I do not know. Right now I am failing." I spoke, struggling to hold back the tears that I so rarely felt the anguish of trying to control. I watched his eyes fight to meet mine once more.
"I want you to know why I couldn't let you die... Why I went back for you..."
"Because you are my friend," I finished for him. My tears were now uncontrollable and I let one run down my face freely. Coughing, Mr Kirk placed his hand to the wretched glass that kept me from pulling him out of there. I placed my own on the other side, it formed a Vulcan salute and he did his best to copy with it with his remaining strength. We found each others gazes once more and he revealed the weakest of smiles as I worked to get my emotions under some sort of control again. The Captain coughed again and his gaze lifted to the ceiling. His body went still. I continued to look at him for a moment as his hand slipped down the transparent barrier before I grew angry.
"KHAAAAAAAAAN!" I shouted with all my strength; with all my worth.
I woke with a start. My sleep had been disturbed by my own temper. I pushed myself forward and leaned on my hands as I looked around for the time. The clock displayed that it was 3:21 a.m. That was the 4th time this week that I had been awoken at an early hour of the morning due to my reoccurring dream. Wiping the sweat off my forehead I laid back down on my pillow to see whether I could regain any sense of sleepiness.
The damage had been done though; I was now wide awake. I sighed to myself and rubbed the encrusted sleep from my eyes. Instead of sleeping I decided what to do with the day. Without a captain the USS Enterprise had been grounded and the entire crew was brought back to Starfleet while we awaited the news on our captain. We had been kept busy however as they decided that they would put us through training exercises every now and then until we could continue on our missions.
Today was our first training exercise, although I had decided to go and visit the Captain first. He is, after all, primarily more important than an exercise of any sort. I did not think that the medical staff would be very fond of me turning up at this early hour of the morning so I turned onto my side and tried to fight my way back to sleep.
After having gained merely 20 minutes worth of sleep since I first woke four hours ago I decided that getting up at half past seven was not an unreasonable time. I stumbled across the soft carpet towards my wardrobe and pulled out my uniform for the day. It was slightly creased in places because I had not had the motivation to iron it since we returned. I simply slipped it on and picked out a pair of socks. I walked back across the carpet barefoot and towards my bed to put them on. They were grey, just like everyone else's at Starfleet and so I luckily did not have to worry about picking out a pair that matched.
Taking a quick glance around my room I scanned for anything I might need to take with me. I settled on the fact that if it was a training exercise no writing would be required and simply set off out the door. Half way down the long corridor of bedrooms I saw Dr McCoy leave his own room, his eyes looking almost as tired as my own in the dim light of the morning.
"Ah, Spock! Are you going to see Jim this morning?" he asked as he locked his door behind him.
"Indeed, Doctor." I nodded in return as I walked in his direction. Not because I wished to speak to him, but because the way to the canteen for breakfast was down there. It was not that I didn't want to speak to the rather demanding doctor but more that I did not have the time, nor the energy to do so.
"Did you see him last night?" he questioned again.
"Of course I did, Doctor." I replied once more, almost determined to walk straight passed him however I was in luck. Dr McCoy went the opposite way towards medical; apparently he was not eating breakfast this morning. I found myself wondering whether that was entirely healthy. A doctor such as himself should know how important breakfast is.
I rounded a corner and found myself in the large canteen and picked up a tray. The system of food at Starfleet was different to that of the one on the USS Enterprise. The Enterprise did seem entirely more practical and easier but nevertheless I joined the queue at the serving counter. I looked up at a clock as I stood there and sighed. I had already spent 20 minutes getting here.
Despite my earlier judgement of Doctor McCoy not eating breakfast I too abandoned my attempt. I left the tray on the side and walked out of the line, back across the shiny tiles of the canteen and out into the corridor. It was then when I was confronted with Lieutenant Uhura in the doorway.
"Good morning, Spock." she said lightly and smiled as she skirted around me slightly.
"Good morning, Lieutenant." I said back in the same tone however forced it was.
"Have you already, eaten?" Lieutenant Uhura tilted her head as she asked. I merely shook my own in head and made to go out of the door once more. She, however, had other ideas. She placed her hand on to my chest and pushed back into the room. I opened my mouth to protest but she gave me one of her stern looks and I felt it necessary to abide by her requirements. I turned around and got back into the queue, drumming my fingers on my tray in impatience.
The line moved aggravatingly slowly that day and I am sure we were moving at a snails pace compared to my earlier years at the Academy. I huffed out a sigh and Lieutenant Uhura patted my back in sympathy. It was not enough though and her hand felt strange on my back, less like a comfort and more like a pitiful gesture. I was not in the mood for pity.
"Lieutenant, I really am going to have to go now. I have other duties that require my attentions." I spoke confidently as I turned around to see her.
"Breakfast is the most important meal of the day," said Lieutenant Uhura in parrot fashion, "Other duties can wait, can they not?"
I thought back to Captain Kirk lying in his hospital room alone and unconscious and simply shook my head.
"I am afraid that they cannot." I replied but at this moment my food was handed to me and I was ushered towards a table.
"Too late now," she said with a small smirk as though she had seen this coming and she sat down opposite me at the table. I frowned and looked down at the brown bag of food sat on the ceramic white plate I had been given with distaste before emptying it's contents. Moments later we were joined by Mr Scott and Keenser who were promptly followed by Ensign. They were each holding a tray of the same food and sat down around the table.
I looked up and nodded my greetings to them as they took their seats. The group started to accumulate conversation topics to which I did not add my opinion.
"What are doing in today's training exercise?"
"I think we're working with some of the new phasers."
"That should be wewy eenteresting."
"I agree, Chekov."
Picking at my food I wrinkled my nose. I just had to stay here long enough to make it seem like I had eaten and then I could leave. Honestly, I was not hungry anymore considering I had been awake since half three this morning and I felt my eyelids growing heavy. The rest of the group clattered their cutlery noisily and scraped up their remaining morsels on the plate. They were obviously hungry enough to eat unlike myself.
I pushed my chair back after another 5 minutes and walked to the near by bin before emptying my plate quickly.
"I will see you during the training," I stated to my group blandly and briskly walked out of the door. I was careful this time to not meet any more members of the crew that would force me into unnecessary activities that would prolong my visit to the captain any longer. I turned back down the corridor and towards the medical bay and made it to the outside of Captain Kirk's door in record time.
Looking in through the small window I could see the pristine machinery and furniture that laced his room so cleanly. Every machine made a tiny part of the background noise that was aggravating in the back of my head. They beeped and whirred and clicked. Frowning I pushed the door handle down and took a step inside.
To my surprise Dr McCoy walked out of one of the nearby walk-in cupboards and towards the captain's bedside. He held up a needle to the light and quickly placed it into Captain Kirk's neck. I had no idea what was in there but I grimaced nonetheless as I figured that it was something that was probably essential to keeping him going.
"Hello again, Spock." spoke Dr McCoy as he worked, jabbing more needles and fluids into various veins across the captain's body.
"Indeed, good morning." I replied as I took a step closer to the captain's sleeping body. "How is he this morning?" I asked, a slight catch in my throat was comprehensible and I tried to cough it out as though it was simply an error of illness not my emotions taking hold of me once more.
"No change from yesterday." Dr McCoy shook his head as I nodded with a sigh and he wiped the tip of another needle with a paper towel before placing it into his neck once more. It appeared to be the last one as once the syringe had been emptied and removed he placed them into a tray and then swiftly into a bin.
"I'll leave you for a bit." he spoke, acknowledging my look of aversion to the medical appliances being applied while I was trying to have one of the only moments I would get with the Captain all day.
"Thank you, Doctor." I responded with a bowed head as he left the room and took up the chair beside Mr Kirk's bed. I sat on the edge of it awkwardly and uncomfortably as I took in the looks of my captain's unconscious profile. I bit my lip in an effort to keep in my emotions and hold in the tears that might threaten to fall again. I was, however, more prepared this time as I kept a hold of my emotions instead of letting them loose the day that Captain Kirk had died.
Eventually I became slightly more relaxed and I sat further back in my chair. It was a good job I was very aware of my surroundings and alert of my emotions as I became slightly more accustomed to his sleeping look I could feel my eyelids getting heavier and sleep threatened to overcome me. This had been, after all, my fourth night in a row of having only 5 hours sleep maximum. It was not healthy and I knew that but still, Dr McCoy was fully aware that skipping breakfast was not entirely healthy either and he still did. At least he had control over whether he did that, my sleeping pattern was very definitely not in my control as I had found out during my time since we were brought back to Earth.
The racket of the machines in the background was enough to keep awake though and about half an hour later I got to my feet.
"It was good to see you, Captain." I nodded to the lifeless body and headed for the door. Just as I left I heard Dr McCoy re-enter the room and sigh heavily. I let out a sigh of my own as well and leaned against the wall outside his room, shutting the door behind me. Rubbing my eyes I told myself to stay awake and headed off down the corridor, my feet trailing behind me in exhaustion.
So, the next chapter will be coming soon! I hope you liked it! I have also been through this chapter and changed any grammar or spelling mistakes that I made. If I missed any then I am sorry!