Disclaimer: I do not own Glee or its characters, darn. They all belong to a person more successful than I am...
Notes: A fic that I churned out while suffering with writers block for my work-in-progress fic atm. Nothing like a one-shot to get the creative juices flowing. Based on a prompt at the LJ glee_fluff_meme. Un-beta-d so any silly mistakes are mine. Any feedback is appreciated! Enjoy!!
Drinking. It has a different effect on each person, gives everyone a different face. You have the mean drunks, the sleepy drunks, the giggly drunks, the emotional drunks, the slutty drunks, the funny drunks and the one that is involved in this case the bad-judgement-regret-what-you-did-the-next-morning-drunks.
A drunken Kurt was not a pretty sight for anyone to behold. The "April-Rhodes-gave-me-alcohol-and-I-puked-all-over-Ms-Pillsbury's-shoes" incident was more than enough proof of that. After that day, Kurt swore to never drink again. Ever.
Well teenagers say the silliest things, and Kurt eventually deemed himself worthy to drink again at Brittany's house party. Kurt rationalised, how could the same thing happen twice? Kurt just happened to forget that history tends to repeat itself. Maybe there were no decontamination showers on the horizon, but there was something equally as mortifying. Unfortunately.
Rachel Berry prided herself on her judgement, whether it was considerate to others or not, she always trusted herself to do right by her (someone's got to right?). She could always count on her judgement to lead her to make sound decisions, and it allowed her to reverse the ones that weren't so sound. Drinking herself silly was not one of her more astute decisions. In layman's terms, after the fifth wine cooler she should have stopped. She didn't, unfortunately.
Now when two sober people engage in friendly conversation, it tends to go a little something like this.
A polite, obligatory greeting, "Hello."
Then a polite answer with a question on the others well being for good measure, "Hey, how are things?"
"Fine, Haven't finished that English paper yet though. It's a tough one." An answer is given, and then an appropriate subject is brought up one that can be developed into further conversation (usually something that relates to both parties).
Unfortunately, for the two drunken people, their conversation was a different story. For poor Rachel and Kurt, both completely hammered and filled with a burning animosity for one another over the whole "Finn Ordeal", it was a different story entirely. It followed the basic greetings.
"Hi –hic --Kurt," chirped a very buzzed Rachel.
"Hullo, Rachel," slurred Kurt. "How are things with dear Finn?"
It was this inappropriate choice of conversation that led the pair into a night of embarrassment. Kurt knew very well that Rachel had been trying, and failing, to grab the dopey quarterbacks attention all night. However, Finn was busy trying to get back into Quinn's good books after a slightly insensitive comment (something about likening Quinn's current pregnant state to a whale or penguin).
"We are making progress," Rachel replied haughtily, trying to convince both her and Kurt. "All the signs are there. He and I will be together soon enough."
"Is that so, Princess?" Kurt snapped back, a fire in his eyes. "Then why has he been with Quinn all night?" Rachel opened her mouth to respond but Kurt cut her off, intent on making her feel as heartbroken as he felt, "Because he likes her, not you." Or me, he thought to himself.
Rachel looked down and began to cry, noisily. The drinking wasn't really helping her keep her emotions in check. "I thought he liked me before tonight," she sniffled loudly. "Why doesn't he like me?" she wailed.
Kurt was beginning to feel a little bad for making Rachel cry like this. He wanted to make her feel bad, but only because she was more likely to have a chance with Finn than he would in a million years. How could one guy be so perfect, and yet so unobtainable at the same time? It just wasn't fair for either of them. Kurt decided that making Rachel feel bad about herself wasn't going to help his chances with Finn, so he quickly backpedalled, "He is just an oblivious dolt, a handsome one - I'll give him that - and he just cannot see the two better options sitting right here in front of him."
Rachel looked up at Kurt and gave him a tentative smile, "Yeah, we are pretty amazing aren't we?"
"Pretty amazing?" Kurt questioned in mock outrage, "We are the most amazing, talented people here in this room and Finn is a moron to not realise it and instead go after that nasty Quinn Fabray."
Rachel nodded enthusiastically, "We are fabulous. You and I are attractive, talented, smart people and we deserve someone who has the ability to acknowledge that fact." Her enthusiasm faded slightly, "I just wish Finn would see it." Rachel's expression fell and she began to resemble a lost puppy, now looking at Finn across the room as he continued to moon over Quinn.
Afraid that Rachel would be on the brink of tears again he began to list, any and all, of her redeeming qualities. "I think he does," Kurt started, "He is just intimidated by your confidence and strength with who you are--"
Kurt was cut off when a pair of lips crashed onto his, he was either desperate enough or too drunk to care and returned the kiss. At the time it didn't matter that it was Rachel Berry he was kissing, but that he was kissing someone and it was nice to receive any attention. He opened his mouth as the pair's tongues began to entangle. He was definitely too drunk to care.
The activities of the pair did not go unnoticed by any other members at the party. Sitting on the other side of the room Artie, Tina and Mercedes watched on in shock horror at the duos drunken display of affection.
"Is that who I think it is?" The trio heard Puck's voice from behind them.
"Yep," Artie squeaked. He was only one of the three with working vocal chords at this point, but even then struggled to get the one word out.
"Damn, I did not see that coming," Puck continued. "I always figured Hummel was batting for the other team, even if he were to switch sides why the hell with Berry?"
"D-d-didn't you see them before?" Tina had regained her voice, "They were both completely off their faces. Rachel was on her s-s-sixth wine cooler and Kurt came over and t-thanked me for saving China by joining the army. He thought I was Mulan!"
Mercedes, who was still looking at the pair, commented, "It's like watching a car crash. I want to look away, but I can't."
Artie was staring at the two of them disgust on his face, "It's like looking at two fish make-out. It's all lips, spit and tongue."
"Eew, gross Artie!" Mercedes said. "Thanks for that wonderfully vivid mental image. As if looking at them wasn't enough."
"Dudes got a point," Puck chimed in. "It's a pretty wet kiss."
"N-no one asked you Puck," Tina snapped, disgust visible on her face. "I wonder if they realise what they are doing?"
"Give it time," Mercedes said.
"I just want to be there when the freak out happens," Puck smirked.
It happened soon enough.
When the pair entered Glee practice the following Monday, it was an understatement to say it wasn't a little awkward. Rachel was discussing new repertoire prospects with Mr Shuester, completely oblivious to the smirks Mercedes and Tina was giving her. When Kurt entered the room he was met with stares, and an abundance of hushed whispers and giggles, from Mercedes and Tina who were sitting in the corner of the room with Artie. Kurt eyed the trio with confusion, as realisation dawned over Mercedes face.
She whispered hurriedly to Tina, "Girl, he has no idea what happened on Saturday. This is just great, should we tell him?"
"No, I don't think that would be a good idea," the ever so wise Artie, cut in. "It would just make everything seriously awkward, and honestly, mentioning it is giving me horrifying flashbacks." He shuddered involuntarily, "I think I might be suffering from some permanent mental scarring. My retinas have been traumatised!"
At that point Kurt had made his way over to the group. "What are you guys whispering about over here?" Tina shifted uncomfortably, she wasn't good under pressure and if Kurt began quizzing her, she would crack like an egg.
Mercedes, sensing Tina's obvious discomfort, jumped in, "We were just talking about Brittany's party. It was fun, no?"
Kurt waved his had flippantly, his hip cocked out to one side, "I wouldn't know," he shrugged. " I actually can't remember all that much. I didn't embarrass myself at all did I?" Kurt flashed them a cheeky grin.
Before she could stop herself, Tina let out a loud, nervous laugh, "No, of course not!" This would have been a completely valid answer if she hadn't had a completely terrified look on her face. Her eyebrows were hidden in her hairline as her eyes widened to the size of dinner plates. She looked like a deer caught in headlights.
Kurt picking up on Tina's jumpy reaction raised his eyebrows suspiciously. He locked eyes with Tina, trying to intimidate her into submission. "What exactly did I do, Tina?"
Tina bit her lip, her eyes traveling around the room, trying to escape Kurt's gaze. She just was not good with interrogations; she was going to crack – like a freaking egg. Just when she was about to snap, Puck entered the room.
"Hey Hummel," he called out to Kurt, a hand up in greeting. "Welcome to the 'I-kissed-a-crazy-chick' club." He sauntered over the group clapping a confused Kurt on the shoulder.
"What are you talking about?" Kurt's brows knitted in confusion.
"You kissed Berry, dude," he smirked. "At Brittany's party."
"I did what!?" Kurt shrieked. Rachel's head snapped around, eyes wide as her jaw dropped in realisation. The boy she made out with at Brittany's party had been Kurt. The obviously gay, boy who's in competition with her, Kurt. That was just fan-freaking-tastic.
Tina smiled and sighed in relief; at least she didn't spill the beans.
"Don't feel bad," Puck was trying to console a now distraught Kurt whose mouth was opening and closing like a goldfish. When Mike laughingly pointed that out, Artie closed his eyes and muttered about "flashbacks".
"I made the same mistake once," Puck continued on.
"Hey!" Rachel shrieked indignantly. "I seem to remember you being quite annoyed when I ended things with you."
"It was a blessing in disguise," Puck retorted. He turned his attention back to Kurt, "Seriously dude, drunken hook-ups are all apart of the teenage experience. You have gotten your first one over with and the future is paved with many more to come."
Kurt just blanched and hid his face in his hands. He let Puck's spiel over the joys of one-night stands wash over him, as he realised that alcohol was the cause of this entire awkward mess. How was he ever going to live this down? He made out with the Rachel Berry, even the thought made him cringe. Fortunately for him, Artie seemed as scarred as he was, so was unlikely to bring it up again. It was going to be a long week, and a long time before he ever touched alcohol again.
And he really meant it this time. Really.